Out of Heaven's Grasp (21 page)

“And now you’re kicking me out. And I bet none of you guys will even speak to me, right?”

Ephraim appeared at the end of the hallway. “You get yourself cleaned up, and we’ll see. But I’d say you need to stay away for at least a few weeks.”

“Right,” I said. “This is no different than the Life. I broke the rules, and now I gotta leave. Fuck you both.” I picked up my garbage bag of clothes and stormed out of the house.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Jesse

I spent that night huddled in the back of my truck, trying to stay warm. The mushrooms gave me strange dreams. I dreamed about the community and about Ephraim. I dreamed about my father. I dreamed about Erin, about the way her body had felt beneath mine. I dreamed about the warmth of the fire, but woke up to find myself freezing and alone.

The next morning, I went into a gas station and did my best to get myself cleaned up before I went looking for a job.

I didn’t have much luck, though I pounded the pavement for the entire day. I filled out applications at a few places, but the fact that I didn’t have an address anymore was a problem. At least I had a cell phone, so there was some way that they could contact me.

I spent another night freezing in the truck.

I had enough money that I could have sprung for a hotel room, but if I did that, I’d be out of money quick, and I decided it was better to buy food than lodging.

I spent the next day looking for jobs.

By noon that day, I was pretty sure that I’d exhausted all the places that I could go to. Between my job search when I’d first arrived in Lebenet and what I’d done the past two days, I was pretty sure I’d been rejected by nearly every place of employment that I was eligible for.

I waited by the phone, hoping that I’d get a call from the applications I’d sent out the night before.

But as the sun sank over the horizon, and I began my third night sleeping in my vehicle, I began to despair that it would happen at all.

All my fine words to Ephraim and Anthony had felt pretty good when I was saying them, but now I just felt like an idiot. I’d thrown away a place to live over having a new experience—broadening my horizons. At the time, it had seemed vital that I try everything and discover new things.

Well, I was discovering new things now, all right. I was discovering homelessness.

I was so stupid. I should never have challenged Ephraim. I should have just towed the line and done what was expected of me. Ephraim would probably have helped me find another job. And I’d be warm now, safe in a bed, instead of wrapped in blankets in the back of a truck.

Right after the mushroom trip, I’d been certain that I’d had a vision telling me to go back and get Abby out of the community.

But now, I was homeless. I had no job, and I was running out of money fast. I couldn’t bring her here to this life.

Still, as I fell asleep that night, my thought returned to my vision of her. I couldn’t be sure if it meant anything. Maybe it was just a trick of my brain. But if it did, then I thought she needed me.

I curled up in a ball, wishing that I hadn’t fucked up so badly, wishing that I had something to offer her.

* * *

Abby

I tried to get to Susannah’s house before her wedding, but I couldn’t manage to get out of the house. Sally kept me busy watching her children. I went to Bob to see if he’d let me go, but he said no. He hadn’t been pleased with me since I’d told him that I didn’t want to put his penis in my mouth.

Within two days, Susannah was married to Gideon, and I hadn’t had a chance to talk to her.

I figured she’d have a couple days off from teaching, because of the wedding, so I didn’t expect her at the school.

But when she didn’t come in for three days, I began to wonder what was wrong.

I knew that I was supposed to go straight back home after teaching, because there was always something to be done at Bob’s house. If I wasn’t watching the children or cleaning or cooking, I’d be sent out in the fields to help with weeding or watering the crops. But I was worried about Susannah, and I knew that if I asked permission to go see her, I’d be denied.

So, after school, instead of walking back home, I walked to Gideon’s house, where I assumed Susannah would be.

I felt nervous, because I hadn’t been invited, and because I didn’t know Gideon very well. If he was home, I didn’t know if he’d let me in or not.

I got lucky, though, because Susannah answered the door.

I hugged her. “I’m sorry I never made it before the wedding.”

She didn’t hug me back, but she didn’t stop me from hugging her either.

I pulled back to really look at her. She gazed at me with listless eyes.

“Susannah?” I said. “Are you okay?”

She looked down at the floor. “I’m fine.”

“Is Gideon here? Can I come in?”

She swung the door open, stepping out of the way to let me by. But there was no change in her expression. She didn’t seem glad to let me in. She didn’t seem to want to stop me either.

We went into the kitchen of the house, and she sat down at the table. “Gideon and Martha aren’t home, but they’ll be back soon.”

I reached for her hand. “Susannah, what happened?”

She didn’t stop me from holding her hand. “Well, I got married.”

“Something’s wrong. Tell me what’s wrong. Why haven’t you come back to teach at the school?”

She looked blankly down at the table. “Gideon says a wife’s place is in the home.”

“So, you’re not coming back? I won’t see you anymore?”

“We’ll see each other when it’s appropriate. At meetings.”

Something was very wrong with Susannah. She was my best friend, and she was usually bubbly and outgoing, talkative and alive. Sitting here with her, it seemed almost as if her spirit had been burned right out of her.

But then I remembered my first conversation with Susannah after I’d married Bob, how she’d wanted to talk and ask me questions, and I’d just wanted to run from all of it.

I bit down on my lip. “I’m sorry this had to happen to you too.”

She raised her gaze to meet mine, and there was pain in her eyes.

I could see that she wanted to bury that. I understood. I hugged her again.

This time she wrapped her arms tight around me.

We sat there in her kitchen, holding each other close, both struggling not to cry.

Crying didn’t make any difference.

* * *

Jesse

The woman eyed me skeptically. “What do you know about women’s clothing?”

“Well, not a lot,” I said. “But I can learn fast, and I’m a really hard worker. I think if you gave me a chance, you wouldn’t be sorry.”

She shrugged. “Well, I’ll take your application.”

I handed it over.

“We’ll be in touch.”

Yeah, right. I was still no closer to finding a job, and now I was going everywhere I could possibly think of, even into women’s clothing stores. I knew that I didn’t look clean anymore. It had been a while since I’d had a decent shower. Still, I made sure to shave and wash up best I could in public restrooms. I wasn’t making the best impression, though, and I knew it.

I left the store, out into the afternoon sun. It was warm outside now, but it would be cold again that night. My money was dwindling, and I’d be freezing my ass off tonight. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to hold on.

I crossed the parking lot to my truck, feeling despair. Everything was ruined, and I had no one to blame except myself.

“Jesse!”

I looked up and was surprised to see River getting out of a truck. He waved.

I waved back. It was nice to see a friendly face. Even though River had sold me the mushrooms that had sent my life into a tailspin, I still felt like he was a pretty good guy. Or maybe that was just something leftover from the way the mushrooms had made me feel. Maybe I’d lost my mind.

He wandered over. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a job, actually,” I said.

“Here?”

I laughed. “Well, I’m starting to get desperate.”

He surveyed me. “What’s your story, Jesse Wallace? When we were talking, you were saying some interesting things about the things you used to believe.”

I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I, uh, come from the community in Maranatha. I don’t know if you know about it. People call it a cult. They say we’re—”

“Jesus hippies.” He grinned. “Right? You were one of the Jesus hippies?”

“I guess,” I said. “Although, I don’t even really know what that means.”

“Is it true that they’re all polygamous? Like they have a bunch of wives?”

“It’s true,” I said.

He pointed. “And you? Did you leave several sobbing women in your wake?”

I laughed. “No. Not so much. They, uh, want to keep all the young girls for themselves, so they find reasons to kick out us younger guys. We’re competition, you know.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess I can see that. So, you’re saying you didn’t leave willingly?”

“No. They threw me out.”

“No shit. And what are you doing now? You don’t have a job?”

“Well, I was staying with some other guys who’d been thrown out, but the guy who owned the house got pretty bent out of shape because he thought I was strung out on drugs, so I’ve been sleeping in my truck. I’m just…” Man, I sounded pathetic, didn’t I? I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I thought you said you had a bed.”

“I did,” I said. “But not anymore.”

He stroked his chin, looking thoughtful. “So, back in Maranatha, did you work on a farm?”

“Yeah, everyone does.”

“And you’re looking for work?”

“Yeah,” I said, unsure of where he was going with this.

He scrutinized me. “You want to come live with a bunch of actual hippies on my ranch?”

“What?” I said, stunned.

He grinned. “It’s not really
my
ranch. Well, it’s not
only
my ranch. It’s a collective. I live there. I’m a sort of part owner. The bonfire you came to was on our property. And we can always use extra hands this time of year. We usually hire out to get some workers. It’s not great pay, but you can live rent free and the company’s good. What do you say?”

I was speechless.

“Jesse?”

“You don’t… you don’t even really know me.”

“Sure I do,” said River. “We’re all part of the same universe. We’re all part of each other. Besides, you seem like you need help.”

I was overwhelmed. “Thank you.”

“Sure thing.” River shrugged it off.

“No, you don’t understand how much I appreciate this.”

He laughed. “We’ll see how much you appreciate it when I’m getting you up at dawn to get to work, huh?”

“I don’t mind getting up early.”

“Yeah, I think you’re going to work out fine.” He offered me his hand.

I gripped it, and warmth and relief washed over me.

* * *

Abby

As time passed, I began to find ways to avoid having to be with Bob. He was supposed to sleep with me every four nights, but I didn’t like it, and so I became very good at volunteering for things that would keep me away from the home. I went to see Sheila, who was the midwife that delivered most of the babies in the community, and told her that I was feeling strongly led by God to learn how to help deliver babies. I wanted it on record that I felt it was a spiritual leading, just in case Bob ever decided to question it.

Truthfully, I didn’t have a desire to help with delivery one way or the other, but I did know that a lot of women went into labor at night, and that it would get me away from the house during the times when Bob was supposed to sleep with me.

Sure enough, I was soon quite busy. I didn’t miss every night with Bob, but I missed enough to feel triumphant.

When I did have to spend the night with him, I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to my body, but I refused to do anything to him anymore. If he wanted me to stroke him, I refused. Bob didn’t like that, but I didn’t care. I was doing my duty, and he would have to be satisfied with that.

By now, our relations weren’t painful, and I wasn’t even too upset about the fluids and general grossness of it all. It still felt invasive, though, and it was something that I endured, and only when I absolutely had to.

Delivering babies all the time meant that I didn’t get much sleep. That was fine with me, because it made everything seem a little dim and unreal. I walked through my days without noticing much, going through the motions and doing what was expected of me. I went to teach at the school, and I did my best to help the children. Then I went home and did whatever Bob and his wives had for me to do. Whenever there was a baby being born, I dropped everything to leave. Sheila would come by the house in her van and beep at me, and I’d shrug apologetically and say, “Sorry, I have to go.”