Out of the Blue (15 page)

“Knock knock,” I said, standing in the open doorway.

Jenny raised her head from the pile of papers in front of her. “Come in, Jake. Shut the door, would you, please?”

Closing the door, I took my normal seat opposite her, and although she frowned, her features softened as she looked at me.

“What’s going on, Jen?”

“Ah, now that’s supposed to be
my
question, Jake. You look tired and you’ve lost weight. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how much you’ve been working,” she said, concern furrowing her brow once more.

“Is my work okay? Because if it isn’t, I can—”

Jenny put her hand up. “Jake, if anything, your work has been exceptional this past month, but you’re not working these hours because you love it here. I’ve known you a long time and I’d like to think we’re friends.” She put her hand up to stop me again. “I know you’ve got something going on outside of work and it’s okay if you don’t tell me, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Jenny was the best boss and we had drinks after work often. She knew I lived with Cam. Slumping in my seat, I twisted a pen between my fingers.

“That obvious, huh?” She nodded. “Cam and I… well, we’re… we’ve got issues, I guess. It’s not an easy time.”

“I understand, Jake, it’s not easy when something happens to rock the house boat, and I’m concerned for you. Your work has been fine, but you’ve been wandering the corridors looking like a lost little boy. Are you okay?”

“I’m… shit, Jen, I don’t know anymore. I only know it’s been going on too long and I’m tired… so damn tired. I was thinking of taking a week off and going out to Aunt Cece’s. Would that cause any client issues?”

“No, absolutely not. I brought you in here to let you know that I’ve handed all your clients to Kelly and that you’ve got next week off.” She smiled sadly at me. “Finish this week and meet with Kelly so she knows what’s going on with your files. Go visit Aunt Cece, relax and recharge, and don’t forget to bring back a bottle or three, okay?”

I handed my files to Kelly and finished out the week. It was late Friday afternoon, and I wanted to stop by the apartment to collect some extra clothes before heading to Napa.

When I walked into our bedroom, I saw Cam sitting on the edge of the bed, his gaze fixed on a small black rectangular box.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Cam was supposed to be at work, not at home looking at what was meant to be our wedding rings. He lifted his head, unshed tears in his eyes, and he smiled sadly. When our eyes met, he didn’t look away. He was unshaven and had dark circles under his eyes, but as disheveled as he was, he was still gorgeous, and my fingers tingled with my need to touch him.
God, I miss him.

I was shocked into silence, my mouth open like carnival clown. My head swam at the same time my throat seized. I couldn’t stay. I wasn’t prepared to face him yet and I needed to leave. Turning on my heel, I headed toward the front door.

“Jake. Don’t go, please,” Cam blubbered as he followed me. “Yes, I will. I will marry you. Please stay.” His words brought me to halt, my anger resurfacing all over again. I turned and faced him, clenching my hands at my sides.

“You’ll
marry
me?” I hissed.

Cam came to a stop a few feet away. His shoulders slumped, his smile faded, and the look on his face said he couldn’t believe he’d said that out loud.

“You’ll marry me?” I repeated, louder this time. “How is that going to work, Cam, huh? How will you say your vows to me? And why would you want to marry someone that you don’t talk to or who you ignore whenever they’re in the same room? How the hell can you say you’ll marry me when you can’t. Look. At. Me!” I yelled.

I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to shake him and wrap him up in my arms. I wanted to punch him in his beautiful face and kiss him until I couldn’t breathe, all at the same time. I was so confused, hurt, and angry, and my whole body trembled.

Cam’s head dropped and he looked at the ring box still in his hand. He looked ruined, but he’d done it to himself. I had tried to reason with him, tried to get him to talk to someone, and I tried giving him space and time. But over the months, nothing had worked, and I was tired of trying.

“They’re perfect, you know?” he said breathlessly, his voice small. “I wanted… wanted to tell you—”

My fury banked at his misery. “Save it, Cam, I don’t want to hear it, not now.”

“I wanted to tell you… I’m seeing someone.”

“You what? You just said that you’ll marry me and you’re seeing someone else? What the hell, Cam?” The roller coaster of emotions was never ending, and I wanted off this ride.

“No. No, god no, that’s not what I meant. I… I’m seeing someone professionally—I mean, the department psychiatrist. I have sessions with her twice a week, and she’s… she’s helping.”

He looked at me, and it was then I noticed he was actually
looking
at me, the way he used to do when we were happy and a couple. Christ, how many times could my heart break in one day?

“You’re getting help? That’s… that’s great, Cam. I hope it works for you, I really do.”

My anger vanished and Cam smiled, tiny and hesitant, but in that small smile I saw a glimpse of the old Cam.
My
Cam, the one who enjoyed a laugh and a lazy Sunday in bed making love and playing hooky. The Cam who enjoyed running in the sun and playing with the food while I cooked. The one that giggled like girl when I pushed him out of bed because he put his icy cold feet on me. The annoyingly loveable Cam.

The one who told me I was his forever.

Images of happier times ran through my head, and Cam’s gaze dropped back to the ring box in his hand. “Sorry. I’m a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way.” His shoulders shook with unshed tears. “Sorry,” he repeated.

“I miss you,” I blurted. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Oh well, since I said it, I should say the rest of what was on my mind. Cam raised his head and looked at me with watery eyes that held a tiny glimmer of hope at my words. “I miss
you.
Not the person you’ve become… but
you
, the real you, but… you’re not him anymore and I don’t know where
you
are—” My voice cracked and died as Cam’s tears spilled down his cheeks. Mine threatened to follow.

“I’m still here.” God, his voice was barely a whisper, and I needed to leave before I broke down in front of him. I had snuffed out the hope in his eyes, and I felt like crap for doing so.

“I thought you’d be at work,” I said simply, needing a change of subject as we stood in the living room. Cam was only an arm’s length away from me, and I could touch him if I just reached my fingers out…

“Shift change. I’m on day shift until further notice.” He fingered the rings, nestled side by side in the black rectangular box, and we stood there for what seemed like an eternity in silence. There was no tension between us, just a heavy sadness I would carry with me when I left.

“I came to get some things to go to Napa and to pick up the car.” I had to say something as the silence was deafening. I had only wanted to get some spare clothes, why was it so hard?

Cam’s breath hitched. “You going for the weekend?” He glanced at me, then looked back to the rings, but I could tell he was trying.

I swallowed past the blockage in my throat. “No, for the week. I need to get away and…” I trailed off, unsure how much I wanted to tell him.

“Okay… I’ll stay out of your way,” he said as he ambled into the kitchen looking dejected.

I went into our bedroom and grabbed some extra clothes for the week with Aunt Cece and Brenda. I hadn’t seen my aunts since Cam and I had gone for the weekend in spring, and the fresh air and peace would be just what I needed.

My bag packed, I made my way to the front door, and I saw Cam sitting by the window, fiddling with the rings absently as he gazed out over the bay. A cup of coffee and a bottle of pills sat on the table next to him. My chest hurt when I saw his vacant and vulnerable look.
He’s on medication?
I pushed the thought away; it wasn’t my business anymore.

“I’m going now,” I said, not wanting to disturb him but not wanting to leave without saying something. I didn’t want another fight, but I couldn’t stay there any longer. It was depressing for more than one reason. I turned to leave.

“Jake?” Cam’s voice was soft and I turned around as Cam twisted in the seat to face me. Tears streaked his gaunt face. “Don’t give up on me.”

My heart broke yet again and I wondered how many times it would break before it gave up altogether. Sighing, I nodded once before walking out the door.

Cameron

I found our wedding bands—they couldn’t be anything else—and when I sensed Jake standing in the doorway, my heart and head went into meltdown. I don’t know what came over me. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move quickly enough.

He was gorgeous, and he was alive. I looked at him for much longer than I thought I’d ever be able to again, and in that fleeting moment, my life felt almost normal, like we’d never argued and he’d never left.

For a second I thought he had come back to me, and the hole in my chest began to close and heal. I felt complete for the first time in months. I smiled at Jake, and then my chest was ripped open once again as he bolted from the room.

Delirious with need and want, I craved to feel him, to touch him. I needed to see if his skin was still as warm as it was before. I couldn’t let him walk out without holding him again, and my arms had a mind of their own as I reached for him.

I needed him to stay and I blurted the first thing that came to mind, which turned out to be the worst thing.

It must’ve been my imagination, but I thought I saw a flicker of the love we once shared in his eyes, but it was replaced almost immediately with anger, which left me questioning what I’d seen. He’d stopped loving me. I couldn’t blame him, but I couldn’t give up either.

Jake was off to Napa for a week without me. Ever since we’d been a couple, we’d always gone together, and it didn’t feel right that he was going by himself. He would drive the car there. My breath hitched when I thought of him driving, but the panic I would normally feel couldn’t get a foothold. It tried, it was still there, but it didn’t have the strength to cripple me. I thought absently that I had to tell Linda.

Jake looked skinnier than ever, and I knew Cece and Brenda would feed him, but he also looked tired and drained and I knew it was my fault. I was such a coward, but I found the courage I needed when I looked at our wedding bands.

Love makes you brave.

Although my need to have him back in my life bordered on insanity, I knew I wasn’t ready. I had come a long way in therapy, and I proved it to myself when the usual panic didn’t surface. Prior to seeing Linda, I would’ve gone off on a tirade with all the reasons why he couldn’t drive that would have left me unable to look at him. That I didn’t was a good sign I was on the right track, but Jake didn’t deserve any less than the full communication and commitment we used to have.

I still had a lot of work to do, and I only hoped that when I was ready, Jake would be willing to listen.

I was a little reluctant to tell Linda about Jake’s impromptu visit during my next session. Although the panic hadn’t fully formed, talking about it was still difficult. As always, though, she sensed a major-to-me event and dragged it out of me.

When did I become so damn easy to read?

“
Cameron, this isn’t the sad event you think it is. You now have clear evidence these exercises work. There are no negatives here. You looked at Jake for a decent period of time, even after he told you he was driving to Napa, without having the same sense of dread. I know you want him back in your life, but did you think it would be that easy to have him walk right back in?”

No. I didn’t.

“To repair your relationship, open and honest communication is just the beginning. I’m not a couple’s counselor, but from what you’ve told me about Jake, he has lost the trust he had in you, and that can be very difficult to get back. I’m here to help you, Cameron, and when you get to that stage, if you need additional help, I can recommend someone.”

Couples counseling?
Not something I thought we’d ever do or need.

“I think this is a good time to introduce another exercise for you. As I set this up, tell me about the hiking,” Linda said, clicking away at her mouse.

“It’s not something I’ve done before, but I bought new hiking boots and I usually go on a Saturday morning to the Presidio Bay Area Ridge Trail. Sometimes I sit on a fallen log and close my eyes, listening to the sounds that aren’t there. There’s this one spot I’ve found where I can’t hear a thing, you know? No cars, no alarms, and sometimes no people, but I can hear birds and squirrels and bugs and other animals that I can’t see, but I know they’re there. I can see why you suggested it and why it helps. It’s just so… peaceful and I wish I’d known about this before.”

The hikes helped a lot; being surrounded by nature calmed my mind better than the medication. Before, I thought hiking was for nature freaks and bug geeks, but now I could see why it was so popular.

“I have a comparison for you. When I turn my screen around, I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind. No hesitation.”

“Okay.”

Linda flipped the screen around.

“They’re Jake’s,” I answered, pointing to the set of eyes on the left of the screen. “But whose are those?”

The screen had two faces side by side, enlarged to show the eyes, lashes, and bridge of the nose. No other feature could be seen.

“Do you remember when I asked you to email me a photograph of Jake?” I nodded even though it was a while ago and I’d forgotten about it. It wasn’t lost on me that she hadn’t answered my question. “Tell me what you see in each set. Study their similarities and differences.”

Both sets of eyes were a captivating blue. Jake’s were as I remembered them with a darker blue around the outside with tiny silver flecks toward the middle. They were more beautiful now than ever, and I forgot to be scared as I studied them.