Out of the Blue (11 page)

I couldn’t take it anymore; tears spilled from my eyes as I wrapped the cold towel around his feet and called his name.

Cam jerked awake and sat up, confused and scared, until awareness crossed his features. When he saw me, he slumped against the sofa in relief. Kneeling in front of him, my hands on his thighs, I rubbed the tension from his muscles. It was the first time I had touched him all week. The dream was obviously a bad one; it left his face haunted and pale and he sighed again in relief when he held my hand. Cam closed his eyes and cupped my cheek. I turned my head and kissed his palm.

“I miss you,” he breathed, and the knot in my chest increased in size.

I smiled sadly. “I miss you too. Come to bed, please?”

No more words were exchanged as Cam climbed into bed behind me, his large chest to my back, the entire length of his body pressing against mine like he couldn’t get close enough. He hadn’t held me for what seemed like forever, and I savored the security and warmth only his arms could bring.

It didn’t last.

I woke the next morning to an empty bed.

I didn’t know if Cam was at work or if it was his day off since he’d stopped telling me his roster, and I guess it didn’t matter, he wasn’t home. A heavy weight settling in my stomach, I pulled my running shorts on and went for a run.

When the running didn’t help, I ended up at Caroline’s. She had been out of town for a few weeks working with a client and I hoped she was home; luckily, it was early Sunday morning so the chances were good.

Caroline answered the door in her customary Sunday attire: pink girly pajamas, coffee in hand, and sour look on her face.

“You look terrible.” I tried for light and teasing, but in my current mood I couldn’t carry it off.

“Have you looked in mirror this morning?” She reminded me of Grumpy Cat. “Come on in, I’ve been expecting you after the message I got from Cam earlier.”

Cam phoned Caroline?

“He called you?” My anger returning, I threw my hands up and stomped into the living room.

“Calm down, caveman. I didn’t answer the phone, it was like oh-god o’clock, some ridiculous hour this morning. He was about to say what he wanted, but an alarm went off at the station and he hung up. What happened to you two since I’ve been gone? Cam sounded like warmed-up crap. Keep in mind I haven’t been up long, this is my first cup of coffee and it’s nowhere near finished.”

I should’ve known better. She was useless before her third cup, so anything she said was going to be blunt, to the point, and without much thought.

I dropped onto the sofa. Cam was working today, at least I knew that much now. “Christ, I don’t even know where to start.”

Caroline sat next to me as I went through all the things that had happened in the last month. My stomach twisted as I relived the arguments and the tears, the touches that were no longer there, the frustration and the sadness—it hurt, but I told Caroline everything.

“Can I be blunt?” she asked after I finished telling her about last night’s events.

“Seriously? Do you know
how
to be subtle?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Sorry,” I said, contrite.

“It sounds like PTSD to me, and if it is, he needs to seek some professional help. It won’t fix itself, and it won’t just go away. Surely the fire department has a psychiatrist?”

“PTSD. Isn’t that what military guys get when they come home from war?”

“Yes, but it can affect anyone who has witnessed something traumatic. My guess is, something about that freeway accident was traumatizing to Cameron and he can’t get it out of his mind. He’s moody, right?” I nodded. “He’s withdrawn and sad, then angry and bitching?” I nodded again. “He needs to get professional help.”

“How come you know so much?”

“I dated a Marine. You remember Jason? He had a friend that… suffered from PTSD when he returned from Afghanistan. Jason told me about it.”

I nodded. I remembered Jason and his haunted eyes, but I knew there was something about the story Caroline wasn’t telling me. “I told Cam he needed to talk to someone professionally, but he acted like he didn’t hear me. We
were
in the middle of an argument at the time. Cam has always considered himself a strong person and it would hurt his ego if he thought he needed to see a shrink. He’s not weak, he’s the strongest man I know. The fact that he hasn’t broken down after fifteen years with the fire department proves how strong he is.”

“Fifteen years? I thought he only started when he dropped out of college?”

“He was a volunteer at eighteen. That’s why he dropped out of college, he wanted to be a career firefighter. He loved it, and I’m sure he still does… but this isn’t him… he’s not the Cam I know, and I don’t know how to get
my
Cam back.” The tears I had been suppressing threatened to return, and my eyes burned.

I spent the rest of the day with Caroline. There was no sense in going home to an empty apartment, but I would talk to Cam again about seeking professional help, just as soon as I saw him.

Cameron

An elderly lady and a kitchen fire meant I never got the chance to call Caroline back. I needed her advice, even though I knew what she’d say.

Talk to Jake.

I knew I needed to, but the timing sucked. I was either working or sleeping. Jake was either working or avoiding my bad moods.

Like a tornado, our relationship was spinning out of control, pulling Jake and me off balance, sending us in different directions, and I was powerless against it. It was never-ending, and I hoped once the storm finally passed and things calmed down, there was enough of us that remained to build on when the sun came out.

Could we rebuild our fragile relationship without the foundations it was formed on in the beginning?

Later that night as I filled in some paperwork at the station, I was called into the chief’s office.

Chief Brett Maloney was a big burly man with more years’ experience than I had hot dinners. Graying at the temples, he wore his age well and was always fair with ‘his boys’, but he didn’t tolerate any bullshit.

Motioning me to shut the door, he indicated the seat in front of him.

“You wanted to see me, Chief?”

“Have a seat, Lieutenant.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his concerned eyes. “I won’t waste your time so I’ll get straight to it. Is there anything you want to tell me?” Leaning back in his chair, he steepled his fingers.

I had no idea what he was talking about, and I searched my brain for what I’d done and hadn’t told him. “Uh, no?”

“I’ve been watching you for a little while, Cameron, and I’m worried. You bark your orders at the crew and your demeanor has been callous. Your normally high professionalism has slipped, and some of the crew refuse to talk to you, even about everyday matters. You’re drinking after every shift and even though you’ve been doing extra work and sometimes pulling a double shift, like you are tonight, you’ve made excuses why you can’t attend some calls. Sometimes you spend your entire shift reorganizing things that don’t need it. You’re moody, sullen, and uncaring, and that is no way to behave if you want to have a career at my station.”

I sat in the chief’s office, shocked to the bone. I had a handle on things; sure, some people had given me a wide berth, but I thought they were just being bigoted assholes. It seemed my acting skills were shit, though. I wasn’t fooling anyone.

“I can see you struggling and you have all the signs of PTSD, so I’ve made an initial appointment with Linda and I am putting you on administrative duty until she clears you.”

Chief Maloney’s back was ramrod straight and I knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, but that didn’t stop me from standing so fast my chair toppled over, making a loud clang when it hit the floor.

Heat flooded my face, blood burning in my veins. I slammed my hands against his desk and got in his face. “You’re making me see the shrink? Fuck that!”

“Sit down, Lieutenant,” Chief ordered loudly.

My breath rushed out of my lungs when I realized what I’d done. Although I hadn’t verbalized it, my body screamed physical confrontation, and I was lucky he didn’t fire me on the spot.

I picked up the chair and sat down, my hands cradling my head. I sucked in a harsh breath.
How could he do this to me?

I needed to work. If I didn’t work, I would have to go home, and to what? More avoidance? More silent treatment?

More nothing?

I couldn’t do it. I swallowed thickly and looked back at Chief Maloney.

“Good. Now, you’re one of the brightest and hardest-working lieutenants I’ve had, and I don’t like seeing you like this.” I opened my mouth, but he held up his hand to stop me. “I don’t need to know what’s going on, but I
am
pulling you off active duty until you’re cleared by Linda.”

Chief’s voice softened. “There is no shame in having trouble dealing with the things we see every day. We all need to be taught different coping skills every once in a while. How do you think I’ve managed to put in over twenty-five years and not go off the rails yet?” Chief had had problems in the past? But he was one of the toughest sons-of-bitches I knew. “You’re screwing up, Cameron, and you know it. You’re putting not only your life in danger, but the crew and the citizens of this city too. I know Kris has been covering your ass, although he denies it, but this isn’t like you. It worries me and it worries some of your colleagues as well. You have an appointment with Linda on Thursday afternoon, and she will determine how many sessions per week you’ll require. You are officially on administrative duty starting Monday. You can show the rookies how to check the hydrants and run routine maintenance. Some of the new recruits need to know how to fill out the permit forms, God knows they graduate these days without knowing how to hold a damn pen. Pass on your knowledge, Cameron, we need more men like you.”

His eyes were reluctant and sad. “And for goodness sake, talk to Linda. She’s good at what she does. She’ll help you.”

“Yes, Chief.” I understood, how could I not? I didn’t blame Chief, he had to look out for everyone and my mental state meant I was making mistakes, and I knew the price those mistakes could cost. I would’ve pulled me off active duty as well.

“Here are Linda’s details.” He handed me the department psychiatrist’s card with the appointment time written on the back. “Don’t waste her time, Lieutenant. I need you back on duty, you’re one of the best we’ve got. Now go home and I’ll see you here first thing Monday. I’ll run through the things I’ve got for you then.”

“Chief.” I nodded and slunk away, fingering the card.

Entering the locker room, I literally ran straight into Kris as he was coming out. “Hey, steady there, man,” Kris said, grabbing my shoulders. “You all right? You look like someone ran over your puppy.”

“Yeah, Chief’s put me on day shift. Administrative duty,” I said on a sigh.

“Whoa, what’d you do to deserve that?”

Ignoring his question, I rubbed the back of my neck. “And I’m not returning to active duty until Linda clears me.”

“Fuck, man, I knew you were struggling, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I’m sorry.” Kris pulled me into a tight bro-hug. It was so good to feel someone’s arms around me.

I hadn’t been touched in what felt like forever, and swallowing the giant lump in my throat, I melted against him. My need to be held and touched was so fierce my skin tingled with need.

I was falling apart, but Kris’s arms were big and strong, and with his arms around me, I felt a little more together. I breathed him in. His scent was familiar and comforting, but it wasn’t the scent I was used to.

My brain scrambled as a lump shifted inside my chest. I felt the same shift within Kris and the air charged around us with electricity.

Kris’s breath was soft and warm against my skin, his fingers caressing the back of my neck as his lips moved hesitantly against the side of my throat, sending tingles down my spine.

“Kris…” I breathed. Gripping his too-big biceps, I tilted my head to give him more access, and my cock filled for the first time in weeks. I was lost in the sensation of being wanted.

My need for human touch obliterated any thought of Jake as Kris’s lips made their way up to my ear and across my cheek, hesitantly seeking my mouth. I pulled back and he looked at me with shining, glossy eyes, our mouths only inches apart, our breath mingling in the space between us. I needed the warmth, I needed the touch that only another person could give; I was so desperately needy. And for a few moments I didn’t give a thought to whom I was with.

Kris’s mouth descended, and with feather-light touches, his soft lips melted against mine. Caressing the back of my neck, he massaged the taut muscles as he licked the seam of my lips, requesting entry. When I opened my mouth, he swept inside with a subtle, gentle movement, but I sensed Kris was holding back. He was restraining a passion I hadn’t experienced in weeks. He cradled my face with his too-big, too-callused hands, and despite the desperation behind the kiss, his touch was gentle as he caressed my jaw.

But it didn’t feel right. I shouldn’t have to tilt my head up to receive a kiss, I was the one who usually descended. Kris’s erection pressed against my hip, but that wasn’t right either, it felt too high on my hipbone. He deepened the kiss and our tongues dueled, but his taste was spicy, not sweet.

Needing oxygen, we separated. I gripped his arms, but his biceps were too big under my hands, too muscular. His wrong-colored gaze was filled with warmth and affection as he searched my eyes…

Bile filled my stomach, and my blood ran like ice through my veins. My breath hitched loudly as my hand flew to cover my mouth. For a split second, Kris’s brow furrowed in confusion before it dawned on him. He took a step back, eyes filled with regret and a shock similar to my own.

“Oh my god.” Kris’s voice was barely audible. “I’m so sorry. Oh fuck. That wasn’t supposed to… I didn’t mean… Fuck. I’m sorry, Cam.” Kris turned and speed-walked out of the locker room.