Outing of the Heart (44 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
Sidonie tried to sound encouraging in the face of this blow. She would be gone for two whole weeks. No Tenille in her life. Tenille saw a shadow darken her face. Had she said something? Quickly she changed the subject. âWhat do you like to do with your spare time?'
She told her about Volleyball and Softball ⦠and of course, she knew about the gym. âVolleyball is over for the time being, so it's Softball now. We have to start getting serious. Matches will be coming on stream. Skye has made up the leagues already.'
âI've never played it seriously. Just a bit of exposure at school and then nothing. I enjoy watching it though.' Tenille lifted her eyes to the girl. âPerhaps I could come and watch you play?'
The number of dykes on her team flashed into Sidonie's head. Some were really hot stuff, both on and off the diamond. She wasn't too sure she wanted them to meet, although she'd love to show her off. It would be okay if they really were together, but right now nothing was certain.
âEr..r. Yes. I'll let you know when the games start,' she replied in a breaking voice, her color high.
âWhat about one of your practise nights,' she persisted, unaware of the discomfort she was causing.
In a stricken voice she hastily advised: âNo. Don't come to those. We're still too rusty.'
âNo? Well, whatever you say.'
“Phew. That was close. Thought she was going to give me a hard time,”
she mused. “
Lucky she wants to please and isn't stubborn, just for the sake of it. Not like me, thank God.”
When the waitress came to remove their plates it was Gayland. âDo you fancy dessert tonight, guys?' Tenille shook her head.
âJust the bill please, Gay.' She began rummaging through her pockets for her wallet when Tenille broke in: âI'll pay. It's my turn.'
âYou'll do no such thing,' she objected. âAnyway, you paid last time.'
âOnly drinks,' she corrected, but didn't insist. They rose as Gayland returned and she asked where the washrooms were. Sidonie said she would wait at the desk. After Tenille had gone Gayland observed: âShe's sweet, isn't she? What beautiful eyes,' then threw her an inquiring look.
âJust good friends,' smiling ruefully. Next she spoke to Colleen: âQuite a good turn out for a Tuesday, eh?'
âNot bad. We're keeping our collective head above water. The special events help.' When Tenille returned, Sidonie could see she had brushed her hair and touched up her face. She really had the most perfect complexion. Her skin, in this aureate light had the shading of a peach, the bloom just right. Her heart lurched to behold this woman's beauty. She was mesmerized in her presence. Her physical appeal had an elemental pull that drew her. To ignore it was becoming too impossible. She quivered with longing. The light colors she was wearing set off the very dark brown of her hair and piled on top of her head like that, it enhanced the slender silhouette of her graceful neck. She could hardly tear her eyes from the full curves of her breasts, as she came towards her. Man, but she was some chick. The outfit so provocative, yet nothing exposed in an obvious way. As they walked she was tempted to take Tenille's arm and guide her past the tables in a rather proprietorial way, but she held herself in check. Hadn't she just resolved to back-off and see where the chips would fall? Jeez. How was she to handle all this?
Although the night air still met them as hot and humid, it was not sluggish, nor was breathing hard. A recent summer downpour, brief but intense, had laid the dust and left the earth refreshed. Perfumes of the night flowers still hung in the air to delight their senses: Geraniums, Chinese honeysuckle, night-scented stocks.
âIt's a magical evening,' Tenille remarked as they strolled down in the direction of the car. Sidonie looked up and saw the pinpoint stars glittering in the dark void. A half moon lay cradled against pearlized clouds.
âDid you know, the first star we see in the evening isn't in fact a star but a planet?'
âNo, I didn't. You mean the one we see whilst the sun is still up?'
âYes, that one.'
âWhich planet is it?' intrigued now.
In a soft voice she replied, almost reverently: âVenus.'
Tenille said nothing, but the idea glowed in her consciousness as they strolled on in companionable silence. At the car, Sidonie unlocked the passenger door, then walked round to the driver's side.
âI'll take you straight home, I think.' Her words fell heavily into the suddenly muted silence of the car's interior.
âThe evening gets late fast,' Tenille acknowledged, trying to stay light. Again no words were exchanged during the drive segregated, as they were, by their own isolating thoughts. The lights of the city and traffic flashed past, unheeded. Driving was automatic, the signals followed by appropriate moves until they were outside #226. She turned off the engine and only then, swung round towards her passenger, her face drained of color.
âHere you are, safe home,' she said emptily, then averted her eyes.
Tenille didn't move to get out and Sidonie didn't reach for her door. She sat still and tense, looking down, hands resting on the wheel apparently relaxed, but inside, wound up tighter than a spring.
Tenille risked a glance at the lowered head and saw her face, intense and forlorn. The sight of such distress, which cut through her agonizingly, overwhelmed her. She felt so much for this girl, it was almost more than she could bear to witness, this degree of torment. Before she knew it she had reached out her left hand and, with the backs of her curved fingers, stroked the smooth softness of her cheek. She wanted so much to give comfort, to ease the pain, but she didn't know how. She felt her stiffen and stopped, appalled. Had she done the wrong thing ⦠again?
Sidonie had felt the merest brush, a feather-light touch across her cheek. She held her breath. Yes. She had been touched. Her heart began to pound, the drumming in her head creating a red mist around her. She would expire from this agony of longing. She saw Tenille's eyes, like dark pools in moonlight, regarding her with tenderness. The message she read in them was not clear, but she could tell she was concerned. She reached up and held Tenille's hand where it lay. Looking at her, she smiled. Tenille saw the most illumined expression on the handsome face. Such anguish had filled her eyes, now their depths reflected a deep indigo and the light from the street lamp put a twinkling star into each. She felt so close at this moment and smiled back, gently. There was no need for words to cement this meeting of their souls.
Tenille felt trembly and soft inside and somehow full of âgiving'. She simply leaned sideways and rested her head on Sidonie's shoulder and brought her other hand to rest on the thigh, just above the knee. She felt a quiver thrill through the girl's body. In response her heart constricted; such a tightness in her chest she could hardly draw breath. So close to this marvellous creature. Her nearness overwhelmed her senses as she took in the smell of her flesh. Her nostrils flared and she involuntarily licked her lips. Acutely aware of the hardness of the muscles where her hand rested, everything else was erased from her mind, so totally focused on this physical presence.
She stayed like this until control over her emotions was regained, then she lifted her head and Sidonie moved in closer, putting her arm around her shoulders and urging her against her body. Resting her head once more she could feel heat through the thin fabric of the shirt.
Sidonie felt such joy within her as she clasped this woman close, reflecting that only an hour ago she had decided to settle for adoring from afar. Now here they were. The mutual understanding, which had passed between them when they had smiled, was the only encouragement she needed. Suddenly her whole world was bright with promise. She reached over with her left hand and rested it against Tenille's curved neck, to cradle her head against her body.
Neither said a word. The physical contact, too long desired, now allowed an easing of tension. Their breathing steadied. They had just passed through the first gate on a long journey. What lay ahead was unknown, but for the moment, the solace their nearness provided was enough. Somehow their destinies were entwined, of this they were sure. There had been so much trepidation. Too scared of rejection on one side, to make the first move; of giving offence on the other, to reveal deep feelings. Coming together like this provided a foundation of trust that would allow them to build for the future. It felt so right, so natural; they could only wonder what took them so long.
âAre you comfortable?' Sidonie's solicitous enquiry.
âMm..m very, thank you. Except my left hip is beginning to feel a bit numb, so I guess I'll have to move, but I don't want to. I'd like to stay here for ever.' Her voice had a lubricious drowsiness to it.
âHow fanciful you are, Tenille,' she chuckled, âbut I love it. I could stay like this for ever too, but truth to tell, just like you, my right shoulder is getting stiff.'
They both laughed as they separated, feeling unbelievably happy. There was excitement in the air; a promise of better things ahead, a shimmering vision of the future beckoning. Not yet, but when the time was right. For now their world was readjusting to its proper axis. The past few weeks, filled with such desolate longing, born of unfulfilled yearning, were behind them. They felt good; had found each other and were together on this miraculous planet ⦠and they had to say goodbye. Their laughter died as Sidonie checked her watch.
âA six o'clock start awaits. I should make tracks.' Still holding Tenille's hand she gave it a little squeeze. âCan I see you tomorrow.' They needed to be somewhere alone.
âI'm doing Caravan for the next two days,' she explained, regretfully. âHow about Wednesday?'
âOh no' she groaned âIt's Softball practise. No can skip.' She looked crestfallen then rallied. âIt's okay, I'm just being impatient. You would probably describe it as immature, but I will hate a day to go by without seeing you.'
Tenille blushed at the pleasure of these words. That she should want to be with her so much was wonderful ⦠and overwhelming. Devon had never been so forthright.
âThere's always Thursday night,' Sidonie continued, easily. Now it was Tenille's turn to be dismayed.
âI'm doing Caravan again Thursday,' beginning to feel disheartened about ever getting together. How to go from being so happy one moment to being in the depths the next.
âWell, I guess I'll see you when I see you,' Sidonie felt so deflated. Of course there was the gym Friday, but that was too public. Not the same at all. She had heard the disappointment in Tenille's voice, but wasn't yet ready to give up.
âTenille.' looking at her eagerly. âDo you have to go to the gym tomorrow?' Tenille's brows shot up. âCould you go another night and come to Riverdale Park with me? You said you wanted to see the women play.' She couldn't bring herself to say,
me play
.
âBut you said before not to come,' Tenille objected.
âYes. I did, but I hadn't realized we would encounter all these problems.'
âThen that would be perfect.' She didn't mind skipping a night.
“Well, not quite perfect,”
Sidonie mused.
“Too many damn dykes about.”
But really, she couldn't wait to show Tenille off and now they did seem to have an understanding.
âGive me the details and I'll be there.'
âNo, I'll pick you up. I'll call you tomorrow and we can arrange things. I really must go now. Sorry, but that's life,' she observed regretfully.
Opening her door, she swung her feet to the ground. On the sidewalk, they didn't touch, only looked at each other for a moment, then Sidonie turned away saying: âI'll call.'
“
Like before,”
Tenille thought, she was left standing by the roadside, but no desolation this time. Oh no, she had tomorrow to look forward to.
âSee you, darling,' she whispered softly under her breath.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Driving back to the residence, Sidonie had some time to think. She needed to work through this new development; had not expected Tenille to watch her play and certainly not this soon. She needed to figure out if she was lesbian. If so â had she been out long, or only a short time? Also, was she in the gay world or had she been isolated; in other words, was she ready for Lesbians en masse, so to speak? She could hear the jokes and picture the sly looks that would pass around. As she turned into Woodbine she hit on a plan. She didn't trust those butches as far as she could throw them. Although they played together, with a pretty face on the scene, it was every woman for herself, unless she was part of an item. Nevertheless, any hint of rockiness â there was always someone waiting to provide consolation â and anything else that might be needed.
As soon as work was done for the day, she went straight to lunch then back to the Residence, showered and changed. The sweet warmth of the morning air had promised a very hot day and now the dense clouds had fragmented, drifting away, no longer obscuring the sun. She walked round to the phone booth, grabbing an Oasis from the machine as she went. She had Reine's work number. She had to wait a short time for her to come to the desk. With the beguiling warmth of a nascent summer's day, she and her colleagues had taken their lunch outside. She worked at Queen's Park.
âSurprise, surprise,' came the hearty voice down the line. âTo what do I owe this honor? You're not going to tell me you can't make it, are you.'
Sidonie laughed: âNever. Listen Reine, could you and Thea be real pals tomorrow and take care of Tenille for me? Especially Thea, when I'm on?' There was an unmistakable imperiousness to her words.
âTenille, eh? Okay good buddy, what's the scoop? Tell all or no can do,' Reine quipped.
She told her about Volleyball and Softball ⦠and of course, she knew about the gym. âVolleyball is over for the time being, so it's Softball now. We have to start getting serious. Matches will be coming on stream. Skye has made up the leagues already.'
âI've never played it seriously. Just a bit of exposure at school and then nothing. I enjoy watching it though.' Tenille lifted her eyes to the girl. âPerhaps I could come and watch you play?'
The number of dykes on her team flashed into Sidonie's head. Some were really hot stuff, both on and off the diamond. She wasn't too sure she wanted them to meet, although she'd love to show her off. It would be okay if they really were together, but right now nothing was certain.
âEr..r. Yes. I'll let you know when the games start,' she replied in a breaking voice, her color high.
âWhat about one of your practise nights,' she persisted, unaware of the discomfort she was causing.
In a stricken voice she hastily advised: âNo. Don't come to those. We're still too rusty.'
âNo? Well, whatever you say.'
“Phew. That was close. Thought she was going to give me a hard time,”
she mused. “
Lucky she wants to please and isn't stubborn, just for the sake of it. Not like me, thank God.”
When the waitress came to remove their plates it was Gayland. âDo you fancy dessert tonight, guys?' Tenille shook her head.
âJust the bill please, Gay.' She began rummaging through her pockets for her wallet when Tenille broke in: âI'll pay. It's my turn.'
âYou'll do no such thing,' she objected. âAnyway, you paid last time.'
âOnly drinks,' she corrected, but didn't insist. They rose as Gayland returned and she asked where the washrooms were. Sidonie said she would wait at the desk. After Tenille had gone Gayland observed: âShe's sweet, isn't she? What beautiful eyes,' then threw her an inquiring look.
âJust good friends,' smiling ruefully. Next she spoke to Colleen: âQuite a good turn out for a Tuesday, eh?'
âNot bad. We're keeping our collective head above water. The special events help.' When Tenille returned, Sidonie could see she had brushed her hair and touched up her face. She really had the most perfect complexion. Her skin, in this aureate light had the shading of a peach, the bloom just right. Her heart lurched to behold this woman's beauty. She was mesmerized in her presence. Her physical appeal had an elemental pull that drew her. To ignore it was becoming too impossible. She quivered with longing. The light colors she was wearing set off the very dark brown of her hair and piled on top of her head like that, it enhanced the slender silhouette of her graceful neck. She could hardly tear her eyes from the full curves of her breasts, as she came towards her. Man, but she was some chick. The outfit so provocative, yet nothing exposed in an obvious way. As they walked she was tempted to take Tenille's arm and guide her past the tables in a rather proprietorial way, but she held herself in check. Hadn't she just resolved to back-off and see where the chips would fall? Jeez. How was she to handle all this?
Although the night air still met them as hot and humid, it was not sluggish, nor was breathing hard. A recent summer downpour, brief but intense, had laid the dust and left the earth refreshed. Perfumes of the night flowers still hung in the air to delight their senses: Geraniums, Chinese honeysuckle, night-scented stocks.
âIt's a magical evening,' Tenille remarked as they strolled down in the direction of the car. Sidonie looked up and saw the pinpoint stars glittering in the dark void. A half moon lay cradled against pearlized clouds.
âDid you know, the first star we see in the evening isn't in fact a star but a planet?'
âNo, I didn't. You mean the one we see whilst the sun is still up?'
âYes, that one.'
âWhich planet is it?' intrigued now.
In a soft voice she replied, almost reverently: âVenus.'
Tenille said nothing, but the idea glowed in her consciousness as they strolled on in companionable silence. At the car, Sidonie unlocked the passenger door, then walked round to the driver's side.
âI'll take you straight home, I think.' Her words fell heavily into the suddenly muted silence of the car's interior.
âThe evening gets late fast,' Tenille acknowledged, trying to stay light. Again no words were exchanged during the drive segregated, as they were, by their own isolating thoughts. The lights of the city and traffic flashed past, unheeded. Driving was automatic, the signals followed by appropriate moves until they were outside #226. She turned off the engine and only then, swung round towards her passenger, her face drained of color.
âHere you are, safe home,' she said emptily, then averted her eyes.
Tenille didn't move to get out and Sidonie didn't reach for her door. She sat still and tense, looking down, hands resting on the wheel apparently relaxed, but inside, wound up tighter than a spring.
Tenille risked a glance at the lowered head and saw her face, intense and forlorn. The sight of such distress, which cut through her agonizingly, overwhelmed her. She felt so much for this girl, it was almost more than she could bear to witness, this degree of torment. Before she knew it she had reached out her left hand and, with the backs of her curved fingers, stroked the smooth softness of her cheek. She wanted so much to give comfort, to ease the pain, but she didn't know how. She felt her stiffen and stopped, appalled. Had she done the wrong thing ⦠again?
Sidonie had felt the merest brush, a feather-light touch across her cheek. She held her breath. Yes. She had been touched. Her heart began to pound, the drumming in her head creating a red mist around her. She would expire from this agony of longing. She saw Tenille's eyes, like dark pools in moonlight, regarding her with tenderness. The message she read in them was not clear, but she could tell she was concerned. She reached up and held Tenille's hand where it lay. Looking at her, she smiled. Tenille saw the most illumined expression on the handsome face. Such anguish had filled her eyes, now their depths reflected a deep indigo and the light from the street lamp put a twinkling star into each. She felt so close at this moment and smiled back, gently. There was no need for words to cement this meeting of their souls.
Tenille felt trembly and soft inside and somehow full of âgiving'. She simply leaned sideways and rested her head on Sidonie's shoulder and brought her other hand to rest on the thigh, just above the knee. She felt a quiver thrill through the girl's body. In response her heart constricted; such a tightness in her chest she could hardly draw breath. So close to this marvellous creature. Her nearness overwhelmed her senses as she took in the smell of her flesh. Her nostrils flared and she involuntarily licked her lips. Acutely aware of the hardness of the muscles where her hand rested, everything else was erased from her mind, so totally focused on this physical presence.
She stayed like this until control over her emotions was regained, then she lifted her head and Sidonie moved in closer, putting her arm around her shoulders and urging her against her body. Resting her head once more she could feel heat through the thin fabric of the shirt.
Sidonie felt such joy within her as she clasped this woman close, reflecting that only an hour ago she had decided to settle for adoring from afar. Now here they were. The mutual understanding, which had passed between them when they had smiled, was the only encouragement she needed. Suddenly her whole world was bright with promise. She reached over with her left hand and rested it against Tenille's curved neck, to cradle her head against her body.
Neither said a word. The physical contact, too long desired, now allowed an easing of tension. Their breathing steadied. They had just passed through the first gate on a long journey. What lay ahead was unknown, but for the moment, the solace their nearness provided was enough. Somehow their destinies were entwined, of this they were sure. There had been so much trepidation. Too scared of rejection on one side, to make the first move; of giving offence on the other, to reveal deep feelings. Coming together like this provided a foundation of trust that would allow them to build for the future. It felt so right, so natural; they could only wonder what took them so long.
âAre you comfortable?' Sidonie's solicitous enquiry.
âMm..m very, thank you. Except my left hip is beginning to feel a bit numb, so I guess I'll have to move, but I don't want to. I'd like to stay here for ever.' Her voice had a lubricious drowsiness to it.
âHow fanciful you are, Tenille,' she chuckled, âbut I love it. I could stay like this for ever too, but truth to tell, just like you, my right shoulder is getting stiff.'
They both laughed as they separated, feeling unbelievably happy. There was excitement in the air; a promise of better things ahead, a shimmering vision of the future beckoning. Not yet, but when the time was right. For now their world was readjusting to its proper axis. The past few weeks, filled with such desolate longing, born of unfulfilled yearning, were behind them. They felt good; had found each other and were together on this miraculous planet ⦠and they had to say goodbye. Their laughter died as Sidonie checked her watch.
âA six o'clock start awaits. I should make tracks.' Still holding Tenille's hand she gave it a little squeeze. âCan I see you tomorrow.' They needed to be somewhere alone.
âI'm doing Caravan for the next two days,' she explained, regretfully. âHow about Wednesday?'
âOh no' she groaned âIt's Softball practise. No can skip.' She looked crestfallen then rallied. âIt's okay, I'm just being impatient. You would probably describe it as immature, but I will hate a day to go by without seeing you.'
Tenille blushed at the pleasure of these words. That she should want to be with her so much was wonderful ⦠and overwhelming. Devon had never been so forthright.
âThere's always Thursday night,' Sidonie continued, easily. Now it was Tenille's turn to be dismayed.
âI'm doing Caravan again Thursday,' beginning to feel disheartened about ever getting together. How to go from being so happy one moment to being in the depths the next.
âWell, I guess I'll see you when I see you,' Sidonie felt so deflated. Of course there was the gym Friday, but that was too public. Not the same at all. She had heard the disappointment in Tenille's voice, but wasn't yet ready to give up.
âTenille.' looking at her eagerly. âDo you have to go to the gym tomorrow?' Tenille's brows shot up. âCould you go another night and come to Riverdale Park with me? You said you wanted to see the women play.' She couldn't bring herself to say,
me play
.
âBut you said before not to come,' Tenille objected.
âYes. I did, but I hadn't realized we would encounter all these problems.'
âThen that would be perfect.' She didn't mind skipping a night.
“Well, not quite perfect,”
Sidonie mused.
“Too many damn dykes about.”
But really, she couldn't wait to show Tenille off and now they did seem to have an understanding.
âGive me the details and I'll be there.'
âNo, I'll pick you up. I'll call you tomorrow and we can arrange things. I really must go now. Sorry, but that's life,' she observed regretfully.
Opening her door, she swung her feet to the ground. On the sidewalk, they didn't touch, only looked at each other for a moment, then Sidonie turned away saying: âI'll call.'
“
Like before,”
Tenille thought, she was left standing by the roadside, but no desolation this time. Oh no, she had tomorrow to look forward to.
âSee you, darling,' she whispered softly under her breath.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Driving back to the residence, Sidonie had some time to think. She needed to work through this new development; had not expected Tenille to watch her play and certainly not this soon. She needed to figure out if she was lesbian. If so â had she been out long, or only a short time? Also, was she in the gay world or had she been isolated; in other words, was she ready for Lesbians en masse, so to speak? She could hear the jokes and picture the sly looks that would pass around. As she turned into Woodbine she hit on a plan. She didn't trust those butches as far as she could throw them. Although they played together, with a pretty face on the scene, it was every woman for herself, unless she was part of an item. Nevertheless, any hint of rockiness â there was always someone waiting to provide consolation â and anything else that might be needed.
As soon as work was done for the day, she went straight to lunch then back to the Residence, showered and changed. The sweet warmth of the morning air had promised a very hot day and now the dense clouds had fragmented, drifting away, no longer obscuring the sun. She walked round to the phone booth, grabbing an Oasis from the machine as she went. She had Reine's work number. She had to wait a short time for her to come to the desk. With the beguiling warmth of a nascent summer's day, she and her colleagues had taken their lunch outside. She worked at Queen's Park.
âSurprise, surprise,' came the hearty voice down the line. âTo what do I owe this honor? You're not going to tell me you can't make it, are you.'
Sidonie laughed: âNever. Listen Reine, could you and Thea be real pals tomorrow and take care of Tenille for me? Especially Thea, when I'm on?' There was an unmistakable imperiousness to her words.
âTenille, eh? Okay good buddy, what's the scoop? Tell all or no can do,' Reine quipped.
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