Overcoming Fear (Growing Pains #2) (19 page)

He addressed the group, “I know it’s late,
but after party at my house? Food and wine are already there.”

Everyone agreed and started moving toward
the door, herding Krista along like cattle. When they got outside,
they formed a circle, discussing rides and clarifying directions
from that side of town.

Krista, carless and uninvited, stood on the
outskirts of the group like the last kid picked in dodge ball. She
shifted from foot to foot, waiting for the cool kids to figure out
what to do with her, knowing that it would only amount to a big red
ball hitting her right in the face later on. She definitely didn’t
have high hopes.

Suddenly all eyes turned to her.

“What?” she asked.

It was Mary who said, “Are you going to
Sean’s?”

“Oh.” Krista looked around the faces and
landed on Sean, who was not smiling. “Well, uh... I don’t want to
intrude or anything. I wasn’t originally part of the pack,
so...”

Sean turned back to everyone, which
unfortunately meant he turned his back on her. “I’ll take her with
me, then.”

As if by silent dog whistle, the crowd
scattered, everyone heading a different direction. Krista hustled
to catch up with Sean. She was trailing around like a floppy, lost
puppy. Good news was that she would at least get a ride home. The
bus truly did suck at that time of night

He was parked in some lot a couple blocks
away. After he opened the door for her, she clambered in as he
gracefully folded himself into the driver’s seat.

As they started driving he said, “You don’t
have to go, you know.” He sounded guarded and not all that
pleased.

“
Yeah, I honestly didn’t
know about all that. I don’t want to crash the party or anything,
so no big deal, you know?”

“You are of course invited, Krista. But
don’t feel obligated to go. If you have other plans...”

“No, uh, actually I have nothing to do. But
I am totally fine if you have a quiet evening with family planned
or whatever.”

“So you want to go?”

“Christ, I feel like I’m in
high school again. Look, I’ll break it down, I want to go if the
offer is good. Or I am also totally fine with heading home for a
glass of
vino
and
a bath. Either way life is good. No hurt feelings.”

“Settled. You’re going.”

She sighed in relief. She talked a big game,
but if he’d sent her packing it would have sucked more than a
little.

“So...how did you find out about the play?
Did Ray tell you?” Sean asked hesitantly.

This was a fork. She could lie like she lied
to the others, or she could tell the truth. The thing was, the
relationship she had with Sean that she loved was based on truth,
not omission. She hadn’t lied yet, and she didn’t want to start
now.

Then again, so far she hadn’t had to admit
to stalking. It was a tough call.

“Well...it, uh, is a bit...embarrassing. I,
uh...kind of stalked you a little. I always said Pandora ain’t got
nothin’ on me.”

“What do you mean, you stalked me?” his
voice sounded dark.

“Okay, well, uh, a couple times at the
office I was pissed you weren’t giving me your full attention, so I
glanced at your email and saw a logo. I saw the same logo today
when I was shopping, and it was attached to a flyer for a play. I
figured I would just see if you were in it. I had nothing else to
do anyway. So I went.”

“A logo on an email was enough to make you
assume I was in the play?”

He was too clever by half.

“I figured from your email it was a play, I
just didn’t know you were in it. I was hopeful that was the case…
or-rr that you were possibly going to watch a girlfriend in the
play. So, I guess, truth be told, I was either stalking or spying.
Either way, I was up to no good.”

“You believed the rumors, then?” Sean
sounded hurt and disappointed.

“No, actually. The other night I was running
along the path, as I do, and I thought I would pop by to kind
of...uh...clear things up, I guess. Or get on the same page again.
Like we once were, you know? And I saw you were home because your
light was on, so I stopped and crossed the street, and I saw you in
the window. A second later I saw a girl behind you, then you kissed
her, so I walked away instead of knocking. So...it was either you
or her in the play. Stalking or spying. No good.”

“I didn’t take you for either a stalker or a
spy,” his voice was still disappointed.

There it was, the proverbial big red ball
right in the face.

“Well, as you can tell by my current
predicament, I’m not very good at it.”

“Coming to my house is a predicament?”

Krista groaned. He was taking her to the
cleaners. Well, hell, she’d already dug herself a hole, she might
as well make herself useful and bury herself as well.

“Look, here it is. I did think you were
seeing someone because you were so content with life. You were
elated, but tired. What else would do that besides a new love? I
didn’t think of acting because it had only been two weeks. I didn’t
realize shows went up that fast.

“So after I saw the girl in your window that
answered that question. And yes, it hurt that you found someone
else, okay? It stung. But I want you to be happy. So I thought I
would stop being such a tool bag and just get back what we had.
Which was easy trust, strong friendship, and no drama.

“But when I was going to make a move in that
direction and talk to you, and I saw you with that woman, well, I
was not about to interrupt your…well, what you were doing. But I
still wanted you to be happy. I wanted the best for you. Still do.
But you were making it really difficult to be friends again. So I
saw that damn flyer and had nothing else to do and hoped against
hope that it was you in the play. But if it wasn’t, then I was
going to face my fears and see you with the girl. And before you
say it--yes, it turned out exactly the same way as the whip
incident, except I am a lot less hung over. Although, tomorrow I
will probably rectify that.”

She fell silent and realized they were at
his house. They were parking in the garage. Krista hadn’t been
paying attention to anything but her lame explanation, which
apparently took a lot longer than she expected. It was extremely
dark and she was extremely glad because she was crying frustrated
tears.

“Are you with someone?” he asked, just
barely above a whisper, effectively side-stepping her whole,
horrible explanation.

“Me?
No. Your sister asked that, too. Where did you get that idea?
Are
you
believing
rumors or something?”

“Guilty, I’m afraid. I have done a little
spying on my own. You were so happy this last week. Marcus said you
must have gotten a man because you had a glow. ‘Morning after glow’
he called it. The lights were never on in your bedroom when I drove
by, and yes, I drove by a few times, so I thought you were probably
at someone else’s house.”

The car was silent for a while before Krista
chuckled in a self-deprecating way. “We are a couple of idiots. I
was trying to be happy and upbeat in order to get it in my head to
stop being a mope over you having someone else. Also, I wanted
people to know I wasn’t a reclusive bitch so Mr. Montgomery
couldn’t win likability votes over me. But mostly to put on a good
face for you.”

Sean sighed and thumped his head against the
head rest. “We are a couple of idiots all right.”

“What I don’t get is why you were so
hostile? Why not just tell me it was acting instead of a new
girl?”

Sean blew out a breath, “When I heard you’d
been gossiping about me…”

“It was brought to me!” she interrupted in
defense. “Since I was on my way to see you, it was brought up. I
only asked for more information because I was, ah…worried.”

It was a hedge. She didn’t want to reveal
all her cards by saying hurt. Not just yet. Or maybe, not ever.

Sean was quiet a second, then said, “I
didn’t know that. I’m no stranger to gossip, as you know. For the
most part it doesn’t bother me; I can ignore it. That’s because no
one knows the real me except Ray. No one can do any lasting damage.
Except now… there’s you. You’re a lot closer than—let’s just say I
was equally…worried. And I handled it badly. Please forgive me for
that.”

Krista shrugged in the darkness, “Hindsight.
I should have explained a little better.”

“
What started all this?
Where did we go wrong?”

“When you said not to tell anyone we were
friends.”

“Oh
.” He snorted. “
That
was the problem. Huh. I remember perfectly. On
the tail end of you mentioning Marcus, I believe what I said was
that I didn’t want anyone to know we spent a lot of time
together.”

“Yeah. Same thing.”

“No. Not the same thing. I
didn’t want people
at work
to know we spent time together because they would
immediately think I was having sex with you. I have a reputation,
as you well know. I didn’t, and still don’t, want you tainted by
that. And it would be a taint, mark my words. But my sister and Ray
know how much time I spend with you. They’re the closest people on
earth to me. They know what you are to me.”

“What I am? You mean, a head case with
terrible past horrors that you don’t want to touch?”

“Who says I don’t want to touch you?” he
asked quietly. So quietly the words were almost lost. When Krista
did hear it, though, it was like a feather tickled her skin.

“The night I told you
about...the
Ex
.
We kissed, but when it could have gotten real, you ran.”

“I had just finished telling you I wasn’t
like your ex-boyfriend. Did you expect me to then take advantage of
you? What kind of a guy does that?”

“You also stayed well clear of me after
that.”

“And now you come to my issues… Instead of
legitimate problems like you have, I have parental issues. I have
parents that basically decided having kids was the pits, and being
with each other was worse. My sister and I were left to fend for
ourselves—except when our parents were using us to throw in each
other’s face for their life going wrong. I am dependable since I
practically raised Cassie, but when it came to relationship role
models, I have nothing but emotional sabotage. All I’ve ever wanted
was stability, but you wouldn’t know it from the whirlwind of havoc
I wreak. I don’t mean to do it, but I am all over the place, and
before I know it, I’ve chased the girl away.

“I’m trying--have been trying--to grow up
and think about my actions. It’s hard, though. Being the womanizer
is so much easier. And it’s expected of me, as I said. So I fall
back into that. Except with you--you wouldn’t allow me to. I lost
that crutch early. So with you I’ve had to be real and truthful. To
you and to myself.”

He fell silent.

Krista shyly looked down, speaking to her
hands busily making knots on her lap, “But you were all ready to go
for it when you thought I’d say no. Then when I would’ve said yes,
you backed away.”

“Well, I got scared, all right?” he
answered, his head back against the head rest. “You gave me an
opening after an extensive trial period, yeah. But the more I
learned about you, the more I liked you. Then suddenly I got scared
that I would dick you around like I always do. Then I would lose
you. I couldn’t bear to lose you. So, I figured, having you as a
friend would keep you in my life, and I couldn’t mess that up. But
then...I did.”

“In all fairness, I helped,” she admitted.
She exhaled a big breath. “In conclusion, I have issues with being
dicked around, and you are the classic dick. So by definition we
are at an impasse. But at least we are friends again. That’s
something, right?”

Sean didn’t laugh. “I guess
so. But for what it’s worth, I
would
really
like to touch you,” he laughed softly. “Have, ever since I
met you. And it’s been getting worse ever since.”

“
Me, too, man. Me, too. Not
in the cards, though. We’ll have to continue being sexually
frustrated, having unfulfilling booty calls, and trying to stay
positive when the other meets someone new.”

“Dismal.”

“Yeah. Dismal. Anyway, sorry for stalking
you. But, since I’m here and it seemed to pay off in the end, shall
we go in?”

“I suppose so.”

The thing about San Francisco houses is that
the size of the garages leaves something to be desired. Krista had
to squeeze out because Sean was obviously used to leaving more room
on his side.

“Good thing I am thin, McAdams, because this
is ridiculous.” Krista was halfway out, horizontal, one leg on the
dashboard and her dress caught.

Sean laughed the whole way over to help.

Chapter Thirteen

Sean helped Krista out of the car, their
bodies close because of the size of the garage. He looked down at
her, his smile withering as his eyes devoured her. Wondering if he
could watch her with another man without going insane. Wondering if
he could ever be happy knowing he couldn’t have the one thing he
was now realizing he’d always wanted. Wanting for keeps.

“We should go in,” he said quietly,
determined not to break her trust by coming on to her yet again. He
would not lose this woman, and he would endure whatever he must to
make sure that happened. It was a truly dismal situation, but it
was better than the alternative. At least if he was in her life, he
could ensure no one ever hurt her again, whether it be him or
someone else. He could at least protect her that much.