P. G. Wodehouse (2 page)

Mr. Chugwater tapped him confidentially on the knee.

"And an uncommonly snug little place, too," he said. "Now, if you will
forgive me for talking business, you, I gather, propose making some
stay in this country."

The prince laughed shortly. So did his aide-de-camp. "Exactly,"
continued Mr. Chugwater, "exactly. Then you will want some
pied-a-terre
, if you follow me. I shall be delighted to let you
this house on remarkably easy terms for as long as you please. Just
come along into my study for a moment. We can talk it over quietly
there. You see, dealing direct with me, you would escape the
middleman's charges, and—"

Gently but firmly he edged the prince out of the room and down the
passage.

The aide-de-camp continued to sit staring woodenly at the carpet.
Reggie closed quietly in on him.

"Excuse me," he said; "talking shop and all that. But I'm an agent for
the Come One Come All Accident and Life Assurance Office. You have
heard of it probably? We can offer you really exceptional terms. You
must not miss a chance of this sort. Now here's a prospectus—"

Horace sidled forward.

"I don't know if you happen to be a cyclist, Captain—er—Graf; but if
you'd like a practically new motorbike, only been used since last
November, I can let you—"

There was a swish of skirts as Grace and Alice advanced on the visitor.

"I'm sure," said Grace winningly, "that you're fond of the theatre,
Captain Poppenheim. We are getting up a performance of 'Ici on parle
Francais,' in aid of the fund for Supplying Square Meals to Old-Age
Pensioners. Such a deserving object, you know. Now, how many tickets
will you take?"

"You can sell them to your friends, you know," added Mrs. Chugwater.

The aide-de-camp gulped convulsively.

Ten minutes later two penniless men groped their way, dazed, to the
garden gate.

"At last," said Prince Otto brokenly, for it was he, "at last I begin
to realise the horrors of an invasion—for the invaders."

And together the two men staggered on.

When the papers arrived next morning, it was seen that the situation
was even worse than had at first been suspected. Not only had the
Germans effected a landing in Essex, but, in addition, no fewer than
eight other hostile armies had, by some remarkable coincidence, hit on
that identical moment for launching their long-prepared blow.

England was not merely beneath the heel of the invader. It was beneath
the heels of nine invaders.

There was barely standing-room.

Full details were given in the Press. It seemed that while Germany was
landing in Essex, a strong force of Russians, under the Grand Duke
Vodkakoff, had occupied Yarmouth. Simultaneously the Mad Mullah had
captured Portsmouth; while the Swiss navy had bombarded Lyme Regis, and
landed troops immediately to westward of the bathing-machines. At
precisely the same moment China, at last awakened, had swooped down
upon that picturesque little Welsh watering-place, Lllgxtplll, and,
despite desperate resistance on the part of an excursion of Evanses and
Joneses from Cardiff, had obtained a secure foothold. While these
things were happening in Wales, the army of Monaco had descended on
Auchtermuchty, on the Firth of Clyde. Within two minutes of this
disaster, by Greenwich time, a boisterous band of Young Turks had
seized Scarborough. And, at Brighton and Margate respectively, small
but determined armies, the one of Moroccan brigands, under Raisuli, the
other of dark-skinned warriors from the distant isle of Bollygolla, had
made good their footing.

This was a very serious state of things.

Correspondents of the
Daily Mail
at the various points of attack
had wired such particulars as they were able. The preliminary parley at
Lllgxtplll between Prince Ping Pong Pang, the Chinese general, and
Llewellyn Evans, the leader of the Cardiff excursionists, seems to have
been impressive to a degree. The former had spoken throughout in pure
Chinese, the latter replying in rich Welsh, and the general effect,
wired the correspondent, was almost painfully exhilarating.

So sudden had been the attacks that in very few instances was there any
real resistance. The nearest approach to it appears to have been seen
at Margate.

At the time of the arrival of the black warriors which, like the other
onslaughts, took place between one and two o'clock on the afternoon of
August Bank Holiday, the sands were covered with happy revellers. When
the war canoes approached the beach, the excursionists seem to have
mistaken their occupants at first for a troupe of nigger minstrels on
an unusually magnificent scale; and it was freely noised abroad in the
crowd that they were being presented by Charles Frohmann, who was
endeavouring to revive the ancient glories of the Christy Minstrels.
Too soon, however, it was perceived that these were no harmless Moore
and Burgesses. Suspicion was aroused by the absence of banjoes and
tambourines; and when the foremost of the negroes dexterously scalped a
small boy, suspicion became certainty.

In this crisis the trippers of Margate behaved well. The Mounted
Infantry, on donkeys, headed by Uncle Bones, did much execution. The
Ladies' Tormentor Brigade harassed the enemy's flank, and a
hastily-formed band of sharp-shooters, armed with three-shies-a-penny
balls and milky cocos, undoubtedly troubled the advance guard
considerably. But superior force told. After half an hour's fighting
the excursionists fled, leaving the beach to the foe.

At Auchtermuchty and Portsmouth no obstacle, apparently, was offered to
the invaders. At Brighton the enemy were permitted to land unharmed.
Scarborough, taken utterly aback by the boyish vigour of the Young
Turks, was an easy prey; and at Yarmouth, though the Grand Duke
received a nasty slap in the face from a dexterously-thrown bloater,
the resistance appears to have been equally futile.

By tea-time on August the First, nine strongly-equipped forces were
firmly established on British soil.

Such a state of affairs, disturbing enough in itself, was rendered
still more disquieting by the fact that, except for the Boy Scouts,
England's military strength at this time was practically nil.

The abolition of the regular army had been the first step. Several
causes had contributed to this. In the first place, the Socialists had
condemned the army system as unsocial. Privates, they pointed out, were
forbidden to hob-nob with colonels, though the difference in their
positions was due to a mere accident of birth. They demanded that every
man in the army should be a general. Comrade Quelch, in an eloquent
speech at Newington Butts, had pointed, amidst enthusiasm, to the
republics of South America, where the system worked admirably.

Scotland, too, disapproved of the army, because it was professional.
Mr. Smith wrote several trenchant letters to Mr. C. J. B. Marriott on
the subject.

So the army was abolished, and the land defence of the country
entrusted entirely to the Territorials, the Legion of Frontiersmen, and
the Boy Scouts.

But first the Territorials dropped out. The strain of being referred to
on the music-hall stage as Teddy-boys was too much for them.

Then the Frontiersmen were disbanded. They had promised well at the
start, but they had never been themselves since La Milo had been
attacked by the Manchester Watch Committee. It had taken all the heart
out of them.

So that in the end England's defenders were narrowed down to the
Boy Scouts, of whom Clarence Chugwater was the pride, and a large
civilian population, prepared, at any moment, to turn out for their
country's sake and wave flags. A certain section of these, too, could
sing patriotic songs.

It was inevitable, in the height of the Silly Season, that such a topic
as the simultaneous invasion of Great Britain by nine foreign powers
should be seized upon by the press. Countless letters poured into the
offices of the London daily papers every morning. Space forbids more
than the gist of a few of these.

Miss Charlesworth wrote:—"In this crisis I see no alternative. I shall
disappear."

Mr. Horatio Bottomley, in
John Bull
, said that there was some
very dirty and underhand work going on, and that the secret history of
the invasion would be published shortly. He himself, however, preferred
any invader, even the King of Bollygolla, to some K.C.'s he could name,
though he was fond of dear old Muir. He wanted to know why Inspector
Drew had retired.

The
Daily Express
, in a thoughtful leader, said that Free Trade
evidently meant invaders for all.

Mr. Herbert Gladstone, writing to the
Times
, pointed out that he
had let so many undesirable aliens into the country that he did not see
that a few more made much difference.

Mr. George R. Sims made eighteen puns on the names of the invading
generals in the course of one number of "Mustard and Cress."

Mr. H. G. Pelissier urged the public to look on the bright side. There
was a sun still shining in the sky. Besides, who knew that some foreign
marksman might not pot the censor?

Mr. Robert FitzSimmons offered to take on any of the invading generals,
or all of them, and if he didn't beat them it would only be because the
referee had a wife and seven small children and had asked him as a
personal favour to let himself be knocked out. He had lost several
fights that way.

The directors of the Crystal Palace wrote a circular letter to the
shareholders, pointing out that there was a good time coming. With this
addition to the public, the Palace stood a sporting chance of once more
finding itself full.

Judge Willis asked: "What is an invasion?"

Signor Scotti cabled anxiously from America (prepaid): "Stands Scotland
where it did?"

Mr. Lewis Waller wrote heroically: "How many of them are there? I am
usually good for about half a dozen. Are they assassins? I can tackle
any number of assassins."

Mr. Seymour Hicks said he hoped they would not hurt George Edwardes.

Mr. George Edwardes said that if they injured Seymour Hicks in any way
he would never smile again.

A writer in
Answers
pointed out that, if all the invaders in the
country were piled in a heap, they would reach some of the way to the
moon.

Far-seeing men took a gloomy view of the situation. They laid stress on
the fact that this counter-attraction was bound to hit first-class
cricket hard. For some years gates had shown a tendency to fall off,
owing to the growing popularity of golf, tennis, and other games. The
desire to see the invaders as they marched through the country must
draw away thousands who otherwise would have paid their sixpences at
the turnstiles. It was suggested that representations should be made to
the invading generals with a view to inducing them to make a small
charge to sightseers.

In sporting circles the chief interest centered on the race to London.
The papers showed the positions of the various armies each morning in
their Runners and Betting columns; six to four on the Germans was
freely offered, but found no takers.

Considerable interest was displayed in the probable behaviour of the
nine armies when they met. The situation was a curious outcome of the
modern custom of striking a deadly blow before actually declaring war.
Until the moment when the enemy were at her doors, England had imagined
that she was on terms of the most satisfactory friendship with her
neighbours. The foe had taken full advantage of this, and also of the
fact that, owing to a fit of absent-mindedness on the part of the
Government, England had no ships afloat which were not entirely
obsolete. Interviewed on the subject by representatives of the daily
papers, the Government handsomely admitted that it was perhaps in
some ways a silly thing to have done; but, they urged, you could not
think of everything. Besides, they were on the point of laying down a
Dreadnought
, which would be ready in a very few years. Meanwhile,
the best thing the public could do was to sleep quietly in their beds.
It was Fisher's tip; and Fisher was a smart man.

And all the while the Invaders' Marathon continued.

Who would be the first to reach London?

The Germans had got off smartly from the mark and were fully justifying
the long odds laid upon them. That master-strategist, Prince Otto of
Saxe-Pfennig, realising that if he wished to reach the Metropolis
quickly he must not go by train, had resolved almost at once to walk.
Though hampered considerably by crowds of rustics who gathered, gaping,
at every point in the line of march, he had made good progress. The
German troops had strict orders to reply to no questions, with the
result that little time was lost in idle chatter, and in a couple of
days it was seen that the army of the Fatherland was bound, barring
accidents, to win comfortably.

The progress of the other forces was slower. The Chinese especially
had undergone great privations, having lost their way near
Llanfairpwlgwnngogogoch, and having been unable to understand the
voluble directions given to them by the various shepherds they
encountered. It was not for nearly a week that they contrived to reach
Chester, where, catching a cheap excursion, they arrived in the
metropolis, hungry and footsore, four days after the last of their
rivals had taken up their station.

The German advance halted on the wooded heights of Tottenham. Here a
camp was pitched and trenches dug.

The march had shown how terrible invasion must of necessity be. With no
wish to be ruthless, the troops of Prince Otto had done grievous
damage. Cricket-pitches had been trampled down, and in many cases even
golf-greens dented by the iron heel of the invader, who rarely, if
ever, replaced the divot. Everywhere they had left ruin and misery in
their train.