Paper Cuts (14 page)

‘So you
do
read my column!’

‘How can I avoid it? There are copies in every room.’

‘Luisa isn’t a man hater,’ my mother says, summoning us back to the table. ‘That’s just her voice for the column. Right, Lu?’

‘I don’t hate them all,’ I agree. ‘Just the ones I know.’

Grace rolls her eyes at my mother. ‘See what I mean?’

‘Well, come on, do you see any good role models around here? Deadbeat father. Unreliable brother-in-law.’

‘Paz has been a lot better lately,’ Grace says, digging into her chocolate cake. ‘Maybe he’ll turn into a role model yet.’

I let this go because it’s the first time in a long time that we’ve spent an evening together without a fight.

My mother raises her glass and says, ‘If you’re really that negative about men, Luisa, I may have to look into cyber romance after all. Someone has to prove to you that there are good ones out there.’

Grace gapes at her.

‘Mom wants us to help her meet men online,’ I explain, grinning.

I pick up my glass, this one filled with milk, and clink it against my mother’s, who in turn clinks hers against Grace’s.

‘Here’s to finding the good guys,’ Mom says.

Rachel is waiting for me outside the old mansion.

‘Hey, Rach,’ I call. ‘Happy Halloween.’

‘Lu?’ she asks. ‘You’ve metamorphosed.’

‘Arachnids don’t metamorphose,’ I say, flapping eight ‘legs’ at her. ‘But stick around and I might molt for you.’

I study Rachel’s costume, but I don’t know what to make of the tiny cereal boxes dangling from her jacket. Each has been pierced by a sharp object and daubed with fake blood.

Before I can guess, a familiar hatchback pulls up to the curb, and Princess Leia, in a white robe and coiled hair, climbs out. Izzy waves a light saber at her father as he drives off. ‘You guys look great. Rachel, you’re a cereal killer, right? And Lu … a black widow?’

‘Tarantula,’ I say. ‘Can’t you see I’m fuzzy?’

‘Well, I make a point of not getting close enough to spiders to know their distinguishing features,’ she says. ‘But it’s a cute costume.’

It is, thanks to my mother’s talent with a sewing machine. I came home with an eight-eyed mask and a couple of black fleece blankets from the dollar store yesterday, and Mom spent half the night stitching two distinct body parts. She even attached three legs to each of my arms with fishing line so that I can move them all.

Jason arrives with a theatrical swish of his magician’s cape, and we line up to buy tickets for the haunted house – the Dunfield men’s latest fundraiser. Since Carson is already inside manning the guillotine, I’ll soon be the only one without a guy, as usual. For a change, however, I am not unhappy about that. On the contrary, I’m relieved; my recent near misses have chased me back to the sidelines. This Luisa Perez is taking a seat in the stands to watch others get trampled in the arena of love.

Not that there will be much of a show today. Because I have to work at the diner tonight, Rachel and Izzy agreed to visit the haunted house with me at four o’ clock on a Saturday afternoon. It’s hardly worth suiting up for, especially since I have no faith that the guys’ team has enough imagination to make it truly scary. Inside there’s probably a chorus line of scantily dressed fairies kicking up their heels for leering goblins.

Jason gallantly precedes us into the darkened house, where we are greeted with recorded screams and echoing evil laughter. A coffin propped against the wall creaks open just enough to allow a hand to dart out and grab Jason. He screams like a girl and jerks away, causing the rest of us to giggle. So far, so cheesy.

Before I can say as much to the girls, however, unseen hands grab me from behind and push me into a chair. I hold tight to the arms while it spins, determined not to scream. After a few moments my captor disgorges me into something like a sandbox. A red light starts to strobe, and I see that I’m in a mock open grave, and a half-decayed corpse is groping its way toward me.

Scrambling to my feet, I climb out of the grave and stumble forward as the room goes dark again. I feel my way to a doorway and step through it. The strobe flashes again, lighting a long corridor. Ahead, someone in a light-colored costume is disappearing through a doorway. Hoping that it’s Izzy’s white robe, I scurry after her.

By the time I reach the doorway, my heart is pounding so hard I can’t breathe. This is ridiculous. I am in a house in downtown Chicago at four in the afternoon. Ten feet away I can see the faint outline of light leaking around a window frame. Still, at any moment, a Dunfield creep could jump out and maul me in the name of Halloween.

Someone taps on my shoulder and I let out another scream. I start to move forward, but the grim reaper has appeared in front of me with his raised sickle. I’ll take my chances with whatever is behind me. Leaping back, I flail against something soft. There’s a grunt, as if I’ve winded someone, followed by a thud.

The next flash of the strobe reveals not a terrifying zombie, but Mr Potato Head clambering to his feet. He’s wearing a stuffed beige pillowcase around his torso for the ‘potato’ and
a black hat over his entire head. Mr Potato Head’s features are pinned to the front of the pillow case.

‘Great costume,’ I say.

‘Thanks, don’t wreck it,’ Mr Potato Head replies, his voice muffled by the hat.

‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘Spider reflexes.’

‘Tarantula?’ he asks.

I’m pleased that he could ID my species even in fractured light. ‘That’s right.’

‘They’re carnivorous, right?’

‘Totally veggie-free. You’re perfectly safe.’

‘Not safe enough,’ he says. ‘I’ve been attacked by a vampire, an ax-wielding psycho, and a couple of generic ghouls.’

‘Boo-hoo, Spud. I lost my friends and spent some time in an open grave with a rotting corpse,’ I say.

The strobe has stopped, and my eyes gradually adjust to the gloom. We’re in a grand living room with high ceilings, half a dozen mirrors lining the walls, and a large fireplace. In the center is a large, low, circular object. I nudge Mr Potato Head. ‘What’s that?’

As if on cue, a couple of spotlights come on to reveal a clear, plastic kids pool filled with eighteen inches of green fluid.

‘Let’s take a look,’ Mr Potato Head says.

He walks toward the pool, and I clutch at his arm. ‘Let’s not.’

‘Not so brave now, are you, spider?’

‘The black widows got all the guts.’

Laughing, he pulls me a few steps closer to the pool until we can see that it’s filled with suspicious white globules and long, twisting fibers.

‘Just as I thought,’ he says. ‘Primordial ooze. It’s where we all started.’

There’s a quick movement behind us, and Mr Potato Head jerks me aside just in time to avoid the long-nailed clutches of another marauding vampire. I give a shriek that sends the vampire reeling.

‘Dial it back a little,’ Mr Potato Head says, as the vampire disappears through a doorway. ‘You nearly blew out my plastic ears.’

One of my false arms is snagged on his oversize fedora, and when he bends to give me better access, he knocks my mask askew.

‘Hey, Luisa,’ he says, pulling off his hat. ‘I thought that was you.’ It’s Joey Carella, rumpled and grinning.

‘So you’re my spud in shining armor,’ I say, grinning back at him.

‘At your service.’ He replaces his hat. ‘You’ve got a good set of lungs for a spider in distress.’

‘She sure does,’ Rachel says, coming into the room with Jason in tow. ‘Izzy and I could hear her three rooms away.’

‘You didn’t hurry to my rescue,’ I say.

‘We had our hands full,’ Izzy replies, joining us with a tall, masked executioner.

I introduce Joey to my friends. ‘And unless I’m much mistaken,’ I say, ‘this is Carson Cota.’

‘Great ride at Pimp My Chair,’ Joey says, shaking Carson’s hand. ‘How did you build that motor?’

As the guys launch into an animated discussion, Izzy pulls me aside to whisper, ‘Who’s the hot potato? He seems familiar.’

‘You don’t know he’s hot,’ I say.

‘I got a look at him before he pulled his hat on,’ Rachel says. ‘He’s hot. And it sounded like you knew him.’

‘I’ve served him at the diner,’ I say. ‘He’s a friend of Paz’s.’

Rachel frowns. ‘You mean he’s a Cocoa grad?’

For the first time I really understand why Grace gets so defensive about comments like that. We
are
snobs. ‘No. I mean, yes, he works for Paz, but he also goes to Dunfield.’

Izzy cocks her head to one side. ‘You like him.’

‘Like him? No. Anyway, I’ve sworn off guys. After the run I’ve had, can you blame me?’

‘Speaking of which,’ Rachel says, ‘Frankenstein over there looks familiar.’

Another guy has joined Jason, Joey and Carson. The green makeup and nerdy wig are a clever disguise, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Frankenstein wearing cool glasses. It’s Tyler Milano. Having put Arty FB to rest at last, I’m not eager to talk to him now. Fortunately I’m not the one in his sights.

‘Carson,’ Tyler says, wringing his hand. ‘That ride got my heart rate up, and I wasn’t even driving.’

‘That’s pretty much what Scoop said,’ I murmur to the girls.

‘So people are quoting him,’ Rachel says. ‘Just like they quote you.’

I need some friends who aren’t always a step ahead of me. They must sense that I almost
want
Tyler to be Scoop, so I’ll have a reason to hate him. It would be easier than wishing he didn’t hate me.

A well-built demon with ghastly white makeup and red-rimmed eyes claps the executioner on the back. ‘Hey, Carson. Great ride.’

It’s Mac Landis, and he too is quickly sucked into the discussion of motors and racing. It’s like a black hole.

‘Carson is a guy magnet,’ I say. ‘He’s pulled everyone I’ve ever dated out of the woodwork. This is turning into Lu’s Hall of Romantic Horrors.’

There’s a sudden commotion in the doorway as the Wicked Witch of Dunfield blows in with her entourage.

‘Speaking of horrors,’ Izzy says.

I lower my mask over my face in the hope that Mariah won’t recognize me. She’s wearing a tall, pointy black hat, but that’s her only nod to tradition. In fact, two-thirds of her costume is missing completely. There are black stiletto boots, but the scrap of material that passes for a skirt starts well below her hip bones and ends eight inches later. Her sheer blouse covers only a black lace bra.

‘Eek,’ she says, looking in my direction. ‘A cockroach! Someone call an exterminator.’

‘I’m a spider,’ I say, lifting my mask. ‘I hope you got a discount for the missing parts of your costume.’

‘I hope you got yours for free,’ she says. ‘Because it sucks.’

The big-eared gray troll glued to her side chuckles. It’s
a laugh I’ve heard often, against a background of televised sports. ‘Russ?’ I ask.

He raises a hand, and Mariah smirks. ‘Oh, that’s right. You two know each other.’

‘Sure,’ I say. ‘I think Mac knows Russ, too. Let’s ask him.’

Mariah casts her eye on the group of guys who are still so deep in conversation that they haven’t noticed the change of scenery. ‘Mac is dead to me,’ she says, wrapping an arm around Russ’s waist.

‘A little louder,’ I suggest. ‘I don’t think he heard you.’

The Understudies, dressed in matching genie outfits, step forward to flank their leader.

‘Are you trying to piss me off, Coconut?’ Mariah asks.

‘Just making an observation. You’re as transparent as your costume.’

Rachel clutches my stuffed thorax as a signal to cease and desist, but I don’t feel like stopping. I may not be into Mac or Russ anymore, but I’m tired of seeing Mariah sweep any guy I’ve liked off his feet with her broom.

Mariah takes a couple of steps toward me. ‘You’re lucky I’m a literacy leader, Coconut. Because today I’m going to teach you how to spell
dead
.’

‘Go ahead. You’ve already taught me how to spell witch with a
B
.’

A gasp travels through her entourage – and mine. Mariah takes two quick steps toward me, and I see a flash of her stiletto boot as it lifts off. There’s a thump in my sternum as the boot connects and suddenly I am staggering backward,
arms pinwheeling. I hit the side of the pool and topple into it.

The green fluid, as it turns out, is not primordial ooze but partially-set lime Jell-O. I know that because I get a mouthful as I go under. Hands immediately grab my arms and lift me out of the pool. I scrunch my eyes to keep out the ooze while someone pats my face dry. When I finally open them, Izzy is scraping Jell-O off me with her robe while Rachel glares at Mariah, who is laughing so hard that her false eyelashes have detached. Russ appears to be trying not to laugh, but the same can’t be said of Mac.

Tyler and Joey are hovering nearby, and judging by their ooze-covered sleeves, they were the ones who pulled me out of the pool.

Reaching over, Joey plucks a few strands from my costume and says, ‘Spaghetti.’ This causes Mac to chortle anew, and Joey adds, ‘Shut your mouth, Jockstrap.’ Surprisingly, Mac does.

Mariah is another matter. Her laughter swells until it’s all I can hear. A wave of fury rolls over me, and I start toward her. Seizing my arms, Rachel and Izzy drag me away.

Several monsters jump us on the way out, but Izzy wields her light saber with such deadly force that we’re on the sidewalk in no time.

Tyler calls after us from the porch. ‘You guys want to come over to my place? It’s not far from here.’

‘I think Lu wants to go home and shower,’ Izzy says, knowing I’m too overcome to speak. ‘Her shift starts in two hours.’

‘She can shower at my place,’ he says. ‘I’ll drive her to work later.’

Rachel answers for me. ‘That sounds like a great idea, Tyler. We’d love to.’

Mac’s head pops over Jason’s shoulder. ‘Watch your seats, man. Jell-O is hell on upholstery.’

I don’t even want to ask how he knows that.