Paradisal Tragedy (4 page)

“Good different,” He clarified.

“Travis, we can’t be friends. We just can’t,” Annabella said. She disappeared, leaving behind a disappointed Travis.

She didn’t go home. She didn’t care where she was going, but she couldn’t face her past being in her home. She’d drive all night if she had to.

Five

“Where have you been?” Jennifer scolded Annabella the second that walked through the door, hours later. It was around seven and after telling Travis to forget about her, she drove for hours as fast as she could down a back road. She wanted to get lost; she wanted to go as fast as she possibly could down a road until there wasn’t any more road left. For a moment, while caught up in the riskiness, Annabella wanted to forget that everything in her world was falling apart, and she wanted to be free, or at least pretend for a little bit.

“I went out with someone I met at the fair. That’s all.”

“Someone who?” Her mom was worried but happy. She hadn’t really gone out much with anyone, she didn’t really have friends here that Jennifer had noticed. Not that they talked very much either.

“Just someone I met, okay? I’m really tired and I don’t want to talk about it. Is that okay with you?” Annabella snapped, walking up the stairs.

“You left your friends here all day long. How could you do that?”

“I just lost track of time. I thought this is what you wanted. For me to make friends? I’m not a child anymore; I can make my own choices. I didn’t ask you to invite them here; you did that without asking me how I felt. Did you ever think for one moment that I wasn’t ready to see them yet?” Annabella shouted at her mother. She’d never yelled at her mom before. They were always so close, but she’d had enough.

“I didn’t think you’d mind. I thought you missed them,” her mom said, clearly worried. She feared she might have even pushed Annabella farther away.

“I do, Mom, but I wasn’t ready to face them. Not yet. Especially not Matt. I can’t believe you, Dad, and Ryan would let me walk into that without letting me know. I needed time to adjust to this, and you didn’t even ask once!” Tears began to prick her eyes and she found herself wanting nothing more than to go hide away in her room and crumble.

“Bella, I’m so sorry. You’ve been dealing with so much, something you won’t tell us about for whatever reason, and we just wanted to help. We had no idea that seeing your friends would upset you so much. Your father and I just wanted to make you happy,” Jennifer said, moving to stand in front of her.

“I know, and I love you for that, but right now I just need space. I’m going to my room. Where is everyone?” Annabella asked.

“Everyone went down to the Heart Attack Grill for dinner,” her mom replied. Annabella felt relief for the first time all day.

“At least I won’t have to deal with Aubrey’s million questions for a while. Did Ryan go?”

“Yes. I think the only one who didn’t go was Matt, but I’m pretty sure he’s in one of the guest bedrooms. You’ll probably be free today, but you’ll have to face those guys tomorrow. You can’t hide forever Bella,” her mom said.

Annabella knew she was running further and further away from what happened, but she wasn’t ready to face them yet. One day, she knew she’d have to face them, face everything, face
him,
but right now she wasn’t ready to do any of it. She just wanted to walk right back out the door, and go stand on the edge of that cliff that Travis brought her to. She had a half of mind to call him up and ask for directions.

“Bella are you listening to me?” her mom asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Yes. I know I have to face them, but I just can’t right now,” she replied “I didn’t even tell them I was leaving, I just left.”

“And they forgave you for that. They just want to spend some time with you.”

“I know. Look, I’m going to go shower. I’ll see you when you get back from Cali.”

“Love you sweetheart. Things will work themselves out,” her mom responded. “They always do. That’s the great thing about this thing we call life, everything happens for a reason and we might not always know what that reason is, but in the end it’s worth it.”

While turning to run up the stairs, Annabella whispered, “I love you too.”

After closing her door and turning around, she almost jumped out of her skin. Matt sat on her bed, looking straight at her. She imagined he wanted to yell at her and tell her how horrible of a person she was for treating him the way she had towards the end of their relationship. After the night in the locker room, she broke up with him. She couldn’t bear to be with anyone. She’d gladly spend the rest of her life alone if it meant she didn’t have to be touched by another guy.

“Matt, what in the world are you doing in my bedroom?” she asked, trying to ignore his brown eyes drilling into her with both sadness and glee.

He finally spoke, moving from the bed to erase the distance that was between them. “I wanted to talk to you. I had this entire speech planned out, but looking at you all I can really do is tell you how beautiful you are. I’ve missed you. God, I’ve missed you so much.” He told her, placing his hand on her cheek.

“Stop,” Annabella told him. The feel of his touch reminded her of
him.
She couldn’t handle any of this.

“Bella I love you, and you just left without any word,” Matt told her, inching his face closer to hers. Before she knew it, his lips were crushing hers.

It was like the locker room over again.

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t stop him. Why was he doing this to her? She had to make him stop. She couldn’t handle someone kissing her because it only made her think of
him.

“Stop. Just stop!” She pushed him off her and walked past him to her bookshelf.

“What is the matter with you?” Matt asked, stepping closer.

“Nothing, I just can’t. I can’t do this, any of it. You need to get out.” Annabella pushed him away, she couldn’t deal with this right now, he kissed her and there was a time where she would have kissed him back, but it felt like a tragedy for her to be kissed by anyone.

“What happened to you? You’ve changed so much,” Matt accused

“Matt,” she started to say.

“I love you, and you couldn’t even tell me you were leaving. Did our six months together mean absolutely nothing to you? God, how selfish can you be?” He was shouting, and she just wanted to cover her ears and hide.

Selfish? But then, wasn’t she? She abandoned everyone she loved because of something that happened to her. She left them all behind without even a simple goodbye. If that wasn’t selfish then what was?

She felt tears prick her eyes as his words hit her heart. She cared about Matt, yes, and she always would. She didn’t love him but months ago she thought maybe one day she could. The chances of that happening anymore were very rare. She didn’t think she could love anyone, and no one could love her. She was dirty, useless. No one could ever love that.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Bella, you’re not selfish. I know you’re going through a hard time, or that’s what your parents told us, but we just want you to know that we’re here for you, we love you and we want you to lean on us,” Matt said. He truly regretted what he said. Of course he knew she wasn’t selfish; she was far from it. He just couldn’t understand how she left without even saying goodbye.

“It’s not that far from the truth. I’m selfish. I left you and everyone else hanging without saying, well, anything. You should hate me for that, but I’m not going through anything; I’m fine. And I really wish people would stop telling me otherwise.” Annabella tried to remain cold an emotionless while she spoke.

“Annabella, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean…”

“Please just go, I just want to be alone,” she said.

“Fine, I’ll go. But this conversation isn’t over; not by a long shot. I’ll fight for you. I don’t care how long it takes,” Matt said, opening the door and shutting it behind him. 

Sitting on the edge of her bed, Annabella felt the loneliness sneak up on her. Here she was, with so many people that cared about her, but she kept pushing them away until she was completely alone.

She wanted to scream until she had no more voice.

***

Dear Diary,

How can you lose yourself in such a short amount of time?

There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything. I never thought anything bad could happen to me. Some people have things handed to them; others earn everything they’ve ever wanted. Some people have good luck but my luck is shit. I get dealt all the wrong cards. I’m a broken shadow of who I used to be.

I wake up each morning only to dread the day, to dread my life, everything was stolen from me and I have no idea how to get it back. I’ve thought about telling someone so many times, but I can’t. I can’t load my own hell on someone else.

His presence still lingers everywhere; it’s like I can’t escape. I feel like I’m drowning in my own memories. He haunts me every single day
.
I can still feel his hand as it touches me
.
I can still hear the sound of his voice, smell his strong scent.

It’s all such torture.

I just want to forget, but the more I try, the more I remember. I can’t remember the good things in life. I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy.

Among everything though, I’m angry. I’m angry at myself. I let this happen. I trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I stayed late in that locker room. My actions set this all in motion.

I’ve cried so much that my tears began to dry. Nothing comes out anymore. I’m just a washed up version of a girl that I used to be. It’s so dark, everything is black, and there was a time when everything was so bright and colorful but it’s all gone.

Where the hell do I go from here? My nights are sleepless, they end in tears.

I’m turning into my own type of hurricane. I destroy everything I touch. Matt kissed me today, and I pushed him away. Matt kissed my lips but I felt
him
. Matt touched my face but I felt
him
. I’ll never be able to love. Love is for the weak and the naive.

***

Annabella put her journal away. She knew she needed to relax. She was on the verge of breaking down completely. She knew she’d never be able to fully get away from the pain. She would never be able to, but she could escape it for a while.

Going into her bathroom, she drew a bath and soaked in bubbles while listening to her iPod. Closing her eyes, she sighed in relief. It was just what she needed after the day she had. Including the time she spent with Travis.

Travis.

She thought of him and how he wanted to get to know her. Why would he want that? Why would anyone want to get to know a girl with so much baggage? What could possibly be appealing about a girl who wore baggy clothes to hide her body? A girl who kept to herself and never let anyone in? What could he possibly want to get to know?

The best way to keep Travis sane, was to never give him the time of day. She’d push him away just as she did everyone else in her life.

Although, she wasn’t being fair; he didn’t have to go out and buy her that iPod. Nor did he have to apologize for acting like a jerk.

The sad fact was that Annabella, as much as she’d love a friend, she didn’t trust a soul.

                            ***

Waking up the next day, Annabella dressed herself in workout pants and a sweater, and tried heading out for a run. Each morning it was the first thing she always did; she loved to run. It kept her from the memories. It was another escape, even if it only lasted for a little while. As she took each step downstairs, she was met with the wrath that was her best friends.

“Where have you been? Where were you yesterday?” Aubrey snapped, putting her hands on her small hips and narrowing a glare at her.

“I was with a friend. We got caught up. I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Annabella snapped back, walking to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

“We came all this way to see you, Bella. And it’s like you don’t even care,” Chelsea cut in as Annabella finished her water.

“You used to be so calm and collected; happy, even. Now you’re just this girl who’s changed, someone we don’t even recognize anymore. You’ve changed so much, and not in the good way,” Maxie stated harshly. Against her better judgment, Annabella let the words sting her.

What was this, an intervention? She’d changed, was that so hard to accept? She wasn’t the same girl she was back in Tampa.
He
made sure of that.

“What do you want from me?” Annabella snapped pounding her fist on the counter “I’m not that girl. I’m not the one I used to be and I’m not going to stand here and listen to you tell me how much I’ve changed for the worst in my own home.”

“We’re just trying to help you. We just want you to be the girl you were before,” Aubrey told her best friend. If only she could get through to her…

“Yeah, we just want you back,” Maxie added when Ryan and Matt came further into the room.

“You don’t get it; maybe I’ll never be her again. Don’t you get that I’m not that girl I was all those months ago, and if I’m being honest I never will be. But I’m fine and I don’t need you guys telling me what I should be doing or talking to my parents about what is wrong with me. I’m fine. Change is a part of life and sooner or later you need to deal with it.”

“Why are you being so bitchy?” Aubrey asked. A frown sent wrinkles from the corners of her mouth to her chin.

“Hey, there’s no need for all of this,” Ryan said, coming to his little sister’s rescue. “If Bell says she’s fine then she’s fine. The three of you are supposed to be her friends, so start acting like it. Stop being so negative. You shouldn’t be telling her everything you don’t like about her, you should be telling her all the things you love about her. Isn’t that what friendship is?”

“But she’s a completely different person now,” Chelsea whined.

“Change is life; we all change,” Matt defended. He felt like he owed her for everything he’d said last night.

“I don’t have time for all of this, you can either accept me for the person I am now, or you can get the hell out of my house. I’m going for a run.” Annabella left them standing there with confused looks on their faces.

                           ***

Annabella felt like she’d been running for eternity. She just kept running and running; she wanted to escape it all.

Everything from the secret she was keeping, to everyone pitying her, to her best friends basically saying they hated who she was becoming. She didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did when her friends confronted her. She thought she’d already lived through all the pain she’d have to take in, and yet here she was taking in some more. She’d never forget the look in their eyes; it was a hint of disappointment mixed with pity. Annabella hated it.