Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 (2 page)

“We just now got here.  SHEESH!”

Before they’d even entered the store, he sent her back a smile emoticon.  She smiled to herself, but dropped the phone in her purse without replying.

The girls went their separate ways almost immediately.  They didn’t even have to discuss it.  It was understood.  This wasn’t a normal shopping trip, where they’d stick close and hold up cute tops asking for the other’s opinion.  This was serious business and that approach was way too time consuming.  Each headed off in a different direction, scanning the vast store for racks of promising looks.

Grace found herself gravitating towards everything white.  But she knew that would be so lame.  Trying to portray herself as the bride?  If they talked smack about her then, they’d have every right to.  She forced herself to try on the black thing with the sparkles down the front scoop along the chest.  No good.  She tried the blue one with the really cute cut and the amazing swirly movement.  Not quite right.  The red was too much.  She wasn’t going there. 

This was exhausting! Exasperating!  Lavender?  Blech.  Peach?  Made her complexion look terrible.  She was getting so tired of taking off her clothes and contorting herself into ridiculous poses to pull up the zippers.  She reached for her phone and sent a text emoticon back to Luke.  A sad face.

She felt like she’d looked at every rack.  Twice.  And then, three racks away and peeking out ever so slightly, she saw it.  Not white exactly.  What color, she couldn’t actually put her finger on.  It was not off white, not pink.  It was something slightly other than white, with this ethereal vibe that was so different.  No low cut anything about it.  Not sexy exactly, but enough to make a guy want to look.  She pulled it off the rack and headed for the dressing room.  Luke was texting back, but she was too excited to look at her phone.  She didn’t want to jinx it.

For the last time, she pulled off her clothes to wrap herself up in this amazing dress. 
Holy crap
.  She stood up on her toes to see how it’d look with heels.  She spun, bent over and made sure it was holding everything exactly where it belonged. 

She left the tiny dressing room and peeked around the corner towards that mirror of all mirrors.  There was always and ever only one of them in a place like this.  And girls who used it meant business.  There were three steps up.  And when you got to the top, you could look into three angled mirrors, all designed to show you the fit from every single point of view.  If you looked good in a dress standing in front of
this
mirror, where every curve, line and stitch was revealed, you damned well better buy it.

And that was the one.  She left the dressing room, relief washing over her like a pencil being laid down after the most grueling final exam.  She took a deep breath.  Now she could text Luke. 

But Rebecca was there just then, looking a little panicked.  Grace’s heart melted for her.  There’s always that sort of nervous frenzy before you find the right dress.  She’d found hers, but Rebecca was still in the thick of it.  She draped her dress over her arm and they ventured back out into the abyss, searching for, “the one.”

Finally, success.  Rebecca settled on a little black dress that made her butt look amazing. 

“You better wear some gorgeous jewelry to distract the eyes away from your butt,” Grace joked. 

The compliment was appreciated.  Girls could do that.  Talk about how great your butt looked.  It was totally cool and totally welcome.  In fact, a compliment from a girl about how great your butt looked was every bit as great as one from a guy.  Better in fact, because girls were harsher judges.  If a girl told you had a great behind, you had a great behind.

  They paid for their dresses, still both in the midst of a little bit of an anxiety rush.  Thank God it was over.  They sped up their pace as they walked back to the car.  It was pretty late.  And cold. 

Grace set the heater to max and then headed back to the freeway.  More notifications from Luke.  She hadn’t meant to ignore him.  But now she was driving.  He’d have to wait a little longer.  It was silly, but it tugged at her.  The last message he’d gotten from her was that stupid sad emoticon.  Between then and now, it had all changed.  There would be happy emoticons.  Rows and rows of cut and pasted happy emoticons.

Rebecca turned the radio up a little.  They didn’t talk much.  Why was that whole shopping experience so emotionally exhausting? 

Grace pulled onto the freeway and took up her normal position in the slow lane.  Cars whizzed by her from time to time.  Everybody was in such a hurry. 
Let them pass me
, she thought. 
No point rushing
. 

They were both caught up in the easy rhythm of some new song playing on the radio when a sudden head knocking explosion sent the car skidding.  Rebecca screamed as Grace fought to control the car.  

“Calm down, Rebecca!” 

The immediate impact of the exploded tire made the wheel hard to control.  But then as she let her foot steadily increase the pressure on the brake, the shaking subsided to a degree.  Then there was just the clunk of the rim against the pavement.

“It’s okay Rebecca.  It’s okay.”

Always the calm one in a tense situation, Grace settled enough to pat her friend on the leg.

“We’re going to be just fine.  I’m pulling over.  I’ll call my parents.  And a tow truck.  Don’t worry.”

Blinker on, she pulled off quite easily, set the hazard lights and the brake.  She pulled her phone out of her purse and reached for the door handle.

“What are you doing?”  Rebecca was still looking for reassurance.

“I’m just going to check it out and call my dad.  It’s probably a blowout.”

“Okay, cool.”

Grace turned the key just to the position so that Rebecca could listen to the radio.  “There, try to relax.  It’s gonna be fine.”

Grace opened the door slightly.  Nobody was coming.  She walked back and confirmed what she already knew.  Blowout.  It was pretty bad.  She looked down at her phone to call her dad.  There were several texts from Luke and she’d respond as soon as she made the call and got back in the car.  She looked up from her phone just as the speeding truck slammed into her.  It pounded her into the open door of the car, ripping it off and carrying it and her down the freeway.  Then, as the force of the driver’s feet pressed against the brake, she and the car door were catapulted away, careening down the freeway.  She never had a chance.

CHAPTER TWO

             
There was no white light like everybody talked about on those daytime shows.  No white light.  She was just flying upward, as though in a bullet train elevator.  But there was nothing holding her in.  It was just her, shooting up. 

In the distance there were others, traveling like ascending bolts of lightning.  She couldn’t stop.  She couldn’t ask a question.  Some of the other lights were slowing down and veering off, but she was still moving.  She looked down as they faded from sight.  Only she and a few more kept going. 

Finally, the dizzy flight began to slow.  She felt the gentle pressure of a solid floor move beneath her.  Then walls came up behind and to the side.  She remained in place, while a whole structure formed around her.  Yes, this was white, but different.  It was a white that expanded out all around and from every corner, as though seeking her out. 

When it found her, it filled her with a warmth she’d never experienced.  It coursed through her, bringing a calmness.  That white light was like a cleanser, gently banishing any fear.  She felt herself relax, but not completely.  There was a searing pain in her chest that wouldn’t let up.

As the shapes around formed into crisper angles, her focus sharpened and she could finally see clearly.  She stood at the end of a long corridor.  Down the hall there were countless doors, all closed.  At the very end, at the very last door facing her on the opposite side, a door was open.  It seemed perfectly natural that she would walk towards it. 

She glanced down and noticed that she was all in white as well.  Her clothing was the softest form of cloth she’d ever touched.  She was wearing what could only be described as the most comfortable pair of pajamas ever made. 
Interesting
.  There was nothing on her feet, but she was not cold, not the least bit.  A little confused, but not cold.

The place was like a high school corridor actually.  It could only be described that way.  But it was completely quiet.  There were no voices, no activity.

She reached the end of the corridor and looked inside the open doorway.  There was an office and a desk, and a man.  He looked up from his seated position and immediately stood when he saw her. 

“Grace, hello.  I’m Gabe.  Nice to see you.  Please have a seat,” he motioned toward the chair opposite his own.

She sat, speechless for the moment.  Gabe looked at her as though he’d known her forever.  Those eyes seemed to express the sentiment in a million different ways.  But she could not return it.  She didn’t remember him. 

And then the words came, without prefacing.  “Grace, your time on Earth has ended.  You’re moving on.”

She looked at him and squinted in concentration.  She didn’t get it.  She tilted her head to one side, which was definitely uncharacteristic.  She was thinking. 

Gabe was beautiful.  And she already knew he was incredibly sincere.  She’d never felt this before with anyone in her entire life, the total unabashed sincerity of another human being.  His eyes were a deep aquamarine, his hair dark and thick.  She could swear that when he smiled, it did something to his eyes that made you focus on them even more intently.  Was she dreaming?  She shook her head as if to dislodge the fogginess.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re gone from the Earth, Grace.  You’ve finished your time there.  You’re moving on.”

She glanced around.  This certainly wasn’t Earth, she knew that. 

“I’m dead?”

“No, no, no.  Not dead.  There is no death.  You’re just moving on.  You’ve graduated.”

The answer came before she could hold it in.

“But I wasn’t done.”

Gabe laughed.  He laughed and his eyes danced as though it were the funniest thing he’d ever heard.  He wasn’t trying to mock her.  It was just funny to him.  When he saw that she was completely serious, no hint of joining in on her part, he contained himself.

“I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry, Grace.”

“Why does my chest hurt so bad?”

She looked right at him.  The explanations he was giving were important, yes, but this felt more pressing.  It was excruciating.

“Oh Grace, it happens sometimes with a traumatic transference.  You had a pretty rough exit.  You were hit by a truck, head-on.  Sometimes people hang on to the pain of a last moment, when it’s particularly bad.  It’ll go away.  We just need to get you moving through the process.”

Hit by a truck?  She was hit by a truck?  Flashbacks to her final moments came on with marked brutality.  She was buying her dress for the dance.  She was going to answer Luke’s texts.  And then the full force of it struck her with unmerciful fury. 
Luke.  Luke.  No.  No.  No.
It wasn’t the truck.  It wasn’t the truck.  Her heart hurt.  Her heart was being crushed with the force of a million trucks. 
Luke.  Luke.  Oh my God.  Oh my God.  I left him.  I left him
.

“It’s not the accident, Gabe.  It’s not the accident.  It’s Luke.  I can’t be here if he’s there.  I just can’t be.  I can’t.”

Was this heaven?  There was no way.  You weren’t supposed to feel pain in heaven. 

He didn’t try to convince her otherwise.  That was okay.  She could see it like that for now.  Intense, lingering attachments did occur from time to time.

“Well then Grace, it might be your attachment to Luke that’s bringing this on.  Sometimes a person hangs on so tight that they take the pain with them.  But this is temporary and the sooner we get things going, the sooner it’ll be gone.”

She tried to settle down.  The white walls were expanding in again, stroking her reassuringly.  At first she let them.  It did bring some relief.  But then she actually swatted at them to leave her alone.

“I’m not ready to graduate.”

Gabe smiled again.  And it was completely impossible to be upset with him when he did that. 

“You just got here.  This is the hardest part.  But trust me, everything is going to be wonderful.  You
are
ready to be here.  You’ve been through this thousands of times.  More than thousands.”

She looked at him in disbelief.  She didn’t remember that, either.

“We’ll get to that,” he went on.  “Think of me as your counselor, Grace.  I’ve been your counselor for a really, really long time.  I know you pretty well.  You’ve got tenacity and intelligence.  You’re an advanced soul, Grace.”

She listened.  She really was trying.  But in truth, he had just a sliver of her attention. 
Luke
. 
Luke
.

“Let me just go through a quick review, so you’ll know what to expect.  I’ll get you checked in.  Then you’ll have your assessment.”

“Assessment?”

“Yeah, it sounds like a medical procedure or a test, but it really isn’t.  You’ll go to the assessment hall and a panel of counselors will sit with you and go over a review of your life.  Don’t worry, it’s not a judgment.  Nobody’s going to nitpick every little mistake.  An assessment just tells us what level you’re at.  And during the assessment, you’ll be able to review your other lives too, all if it demonstrating how and why you’ve gotten here today. 

The panel will answer any questions you have and they’ll help you understand why it was your time to come and why Luke isn’t ready.  That pain in your chest will go away.  And you’ll move on.  Trust me, you will. 

After your assessment, you’ll have a retreat.  A retreat allows you to take a break from all of this.  A break from every lesson and challenge, every heartbreak and difficulty.  You’ll reunite with old friends who can’t wait to see you again.  Everyone loves the retreat.  You will, too.  And during your retreat, it’ll become even more clear why you’ve got a different path than Luke.”

She nodded, just to show she was listening.  She believed him, every word.  She would move on and they’d make her forget.  There were others here that Gabe promised were old friends.  She just didn’t understand it all right now, because she hadn’t had her assessment.  She got it.  It did make sense.  But she didn’t want it.

“Why can’t you just tell me everything right now?  Why can’t I wait for Luke right here?”

“Luke is on another level.  We don’t think of it as above or below really, but he’s just not as far along as you.  It’s hard to accept right now, but you need to let him go, so that he can have his chance, too.  He’s got his own circle of friends.  He’ll be okay.”

She could not fully enunciate to Gabe the true magnitude of the pain, but he could see it on her face. 

“Grace, we need to get you going here.  I want you to have some relief.”

“No.”

“No?  Come on now.  I know it’s hard.  I really know you, Grace.  I know it’s tough.  You’re advanced.  You love with great intensity.  But you’re carrying too much pain here.  We need to help you get through this.”

“No.”

She was stubborn, this girl.  She always had been.  But not quite like this.

Grace stood up, just to see if it would help the pain.  She forced herself to breathe slowly and then wondered aloud, “Am I breathing?  Is that what I’m doing?  Is this air?”

“Not exactly.  You feel like you’re still breathing, but you aren’t.  It’s residual.  The pain is residual.  If you’d just let me help you move forward, you’d get an explanation, and relief.”

Okay, it was residual.  Still, she kept trying, breathing slowly in and out.  Standing wasn’t helping.  She sat down again.  There was a bowling ball in her chest.  That was the only way to quantify it.  A bowling ball of brokenness. 

Now she knew why her heart had hurt so badly sometimes on Earth.  She was holding on to so much fear that it was too good to be true.  And that fear brought the pain.  The intense, enormous, horrific pain.  Everything in her, every scrap of wisdom was screaming at her, “Go get your assessment!” 

But her heart, swollen with grief was speaking, too.  “No.”  Over and over and over again.  “No.”

For a time, she totally zoned out on Gabe, although the word continued flowing from her lips.

“No.  No.  No.  No.  No.”

Gabe looked like he was growing a chest lump himself.  His face, which had originally been so chipper and happy to her see her had actually changed as well.  Now there was concern, and sympathy, and no doubt a tinge of bewilderment.

Grace sat there across from him and continued, “No.  No.  No.  No.  No.”

“Oh Lord,” he whispered, with more seriousness than she’d heard him speak before.

She was still breathing slowly, but her mind was racing.  “I want to go back.  I
have
to go back.”

Gabe looked up.  She’d finally said something other than, “No,” and he didn’t quite catch it.

She looked directly into his eyes again.  She knew instinctively that speaking sincere words while looking directly into Gabe’s eyes was effective in getting her point across.  She couldn’t explain how she knew, but she knew.

“I want to go back.”

And again, his expression changed and she saw the thoughts move around in his head.  She could see that he was already gearing up to say no way.  He opened his mouth to speak, but she jumped in ahead of him.

“I want to go back.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Grace.”

“Why not?”

“Well, for about a million different reasons.  But it boils down to this.  Everybody who goes through transference into a human body, they’ve all got their schedules.  They go back based on a timeline completely appropriate for them.  There are no vacant human bodies waiting for someone like you who wants to go back.  They’re all spoken for. 

Look, everybody holds on to a certain degree, even people who didn’t particularly enjoy their time on Earth.  That attachment, that’s something you’ll work through during your assessment.  You’ll be able to release it.  It’s all part of the process.”

It seemed to finally be sinking in.  She’d stopped saying no.  He could see her mind still racing, still trying to come up with that better question, that better proposal for some way to get what she wanted.  And he could see that at last, finally, she might be coming to terms with it.  He relaxed a bit as he sat back in his chair.  Let her have a moment and when she was ready, she’d tell him. 

And so they sat like that, while Grace was mentally listing all her arguments and one by one, scratching them off the page as unfeasible.  And Gabe sat quietly, expectantly, letting her process it. 

Oh how he loved her, his dear friend Grace.  She was a beautiful soul and he hated to see her suffer.  At her retreat they would talk about this again and she would smile in recognition at her stubbornness.  It was just a matter of time.  Inevitable.  And then finally, he saw the look of resolution on her face.  She looked up at him and he knew she was finally ready.

And then, “No.”

That look of hers almost stung.  Not because there was anger there, but because he could see that this time around with Grace, it was going to be truly difficult to help her transition. 

They danced another time with their words.  Him attempting to convince with clear, concise yet reassuring explanation.  And Grace finding only one word in her vocabulary.  “No.”