Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (20 page)

how ADDapt can continue to help you parent him or her

• the other help available to parents.

Give yourself another pat on the back

In my experience, the parents of ADD children are never given the credit
they deserve for having coped so well for so long, for not having given up,
and for having stuck by their child.

You came to this book looking for answers. You probably felt stuck, at the
end of your tether - that you had tried absolutely everything but to no avail. My aim has been to share some powerful strategies to get you moving again.
You should never blame yourself for not knowing things. Remember, none
of us parents is ever offered a training in parenting. We can all use some help
to improve our effectiveness. Seeking to improve does not mean we have
been inadequate. On the contrary, the least inadequate people are those who
are always on the lookout for ways to improve.

My work has given me enormous faith in the ability of families to find
ways through their difficulties. If you have worked through at least some of
this programme and noticed some changes for the better, you will be
confirming my faith yet again. If you feel you are still struggling, don't worry
- you are not alone. Perseverance is the key. Change will come, I promise.

ADD children: Can't do? Won't do?

My aim throughout has been to stress that learning fresh habits is the key to
success. The mindset I have tried to encourage is that there is a huge amount
that you as a parent can do to influence how your child behaves.

When it comes to bad behaviour in ADD children, there is a great deal
that boils down to bad habits. ADD makes children impulsive, inattentive
and hyperactive. It is much harder for them to learn the rules for getting
along with other people, and this difficulty is the cause of most of the battles
that are waged between you every day. Medication calms ADD children
down so that they can learn more easily. But you have to help your child pick
up new ways of doing things. To do this you have to learn new ways, too.

Parents: Can't do? Won't do?

ADDapt helps you do less of what does not work with your child, and more
of what does. Because change is hard for all of us I have offered some
powerful new strategies to boost your motivation and determination. These
are techniques you can return to at any time. You may also find them useful
when rising to other challenges in your life.

If you have not yet tried my suggestions, be prepared to consider them at
some time in the future. Most of this book will be relevant and useful to you,
when you are ready. You know what you are capable of. You will be the best
judge of when the time is right for you.

ADDapt - a companion on your ADD journey

Dealing with ADD is a process that does not stop. We are all prone to
slipping back into old patterns. Please think of ADDapt as a long-term
companion, not just something you work through once and - hey presto! -
you've done it. Its ideas and approaches are ones that you can revisit at any
time, when you feel you need them.

I expect that many of you will have dipped in and out of this text, trying
techniques and changing them to your own specific requirements. At the risk
of repeating myself, this book is designed to be revisited. Many of the steps
can be used independently, to boost areas of your relationship with your
child as you need to.

I want to glance back for a moment at what you have achieved. ADDapt
guides you towards three targets:

• Target 1 - getting closer

• Target 2 - developing new skills

• Target 3 - being in command and under control

Getting closer

Steps 2-4 highlight the `secret weapons' in your battle to create change:

spending Special Time together, free of coercion, correction and
control

• rewarding with attention, praise and prizes the behaviour you want
to see more of

• enhancing your child's strengths through encouragement and
building new skills.

These are resources you knew about already but, stuck in the midst of the
havoc that life with ADD can bring, you probably lost sight of them.
ADDapt gives you permission to make these issues a priority. It has also
given you the tools and the guidance to make it happen. The knock-on effect
is that your child may have experienced your relationship differently -
recognising that you are committed to getting closer to him and to
appreciating what he contributes to the relationship.

Developing new skills

Steps 5-8 present the causes of behaviour problems in an ADD child and the
strategies for managing them:

mastering communication with your child

• getting your child organised in a way that empowers him

learning when to respond and when to ignore.

With ADD children it is especially important that you have the skills to
deliver a clear and potent message when you want them to do something
your way. The middle stages of the programme concentrate on these issues. If
you have had a go at the exercises, then you have already experimented with
new ways of getting your message across. You should also be clearer about
when it is prudent not to respond.

Revisit these chapters whenever you catch yourself doing what you used
to do before. If you have not yet put them to the test, now is your chance.

And if this has whetted your appetite for new ideas and skills, scan the
shelves of your local bookshop or library for other titles on communication
skills and assertiveness. Often you will come across an idea or technique that
you may not have tried before. See the reading list on page 161 for some
suggestions.

Being in command and under control

Steps 9-11 present strategies for gaining control of the defiance you are
encountering. Parents of ADD children often feel that this is their greatest
struggle. Losing your temper in front of your child is demoralising and
potentially frightening for both of you. After setting out the strategies for
improving the quality of your relationship, ADDapt suggests new ways of
remaining in charge. This way you should all be able to cope more easily
with the tensions and frustrations that change in this area can provoke.

Using two main techniques - the Home Points System as both an
incentive and a deterrent, and Time Out - you develop ways to stop battles
for control becoming physical confrontations.

Do you need expert help?

All books have their limitations - even this one! If you feel you need more
help, where should you go? Who is there around? What do they offer? How
will it help?

A professional meeting you face to face can do something that a book
cannot - get to know you personally. Approaching professionals for help
requires courage, but the pay-offs can be considerable. The sort of
professional you are looking for is a specialist in behavioural problems in
children. Child psychiatrists, child psychologists and family therapists and
some paediatricians have expertise in this area. They will be familiar with
behavioural modification therapy, on which ADDapt is based. Some of them
may specialise in it or can offer you other therapies that may also be of
benefit to you. These may be approaches that work mainly with you and
your partner, if you are in a couple; or the whole family together; or just you;
or just your child; or you and your child.

My advice is be open to their suggestions. People outside your situation
can often spot things that you cannot see, such as habits you are not aware of
which may be hampering your attempts at change. They will be able to
suggest new ways of looking at things and new solutions to difficulties you
have struggled with for years. Try their ideas alongside the ones in this book.

Do you need a support group?

Parents I meet value support groups very highly. There seem to be two main
sorts of benefit.

The first is practical advice and information. You get the opportunity to
share experiences and ideas with people who have had to face most of the
same problems. The support groups that have sprung up around this country
are a vital network for distributing important information about ADD and
about what is on offer for dealing with it. Our knowledge and
understanding of the condition are growing all the time. Linking up with
such a group ensures that you hear what the latest thinking is.

Also, if you are coming up against blocks to do with the assessment and
treatment of ADD, it is likely that there will be someone in a local group who
will have faced those hurdles before you and found a way around them.

The second great benefit is the emotional support and the sense of
solidarity given by a group. The people in it will understand exactly what
you are going through, and they will be sympathetic when you tell them about the impact ADD has had on your life. They too will have had to deal
with the misconceptions of friends and relations who do not know about
ADD. They will tell you how much condemnation still comes their way and
they will fully understand the value of solidarity in dealing with it.

There is a third benefit. Parent support groups constitute the most
powerful lobbies for getting more done about ADD and for getting the
condition better understood by schools and other agencies.

Appendix 3 lists the support groups across the UK and their contact
numbers.

Final thoughts on success

Each Step has offered `tips for success'. This final Step seems the right point
at which to reflect on your success.

First, take credit for having followed this programme in whatever way
you have chosen to use it.

Second, take credit also for never giving up on your ADD child. You have
worked with this book at a difficult time in your relationship - a time when
you felt stuck and possibly very pessimistic about the prospect of change. At
this most frustrating of times you have taken steps to help your child and to
make a difference. In essence: you have got things moving again.

Whatever your child goes on to achieve in his or her life, one day that fact
will, I believe, become of immense importance to both of you.

For some of us parenting is a partnership. For those of you who do not have a
cohabitee or marital partner, there are often people who may influence how you
handle your children.

While conflicts and differences are a part of all relationships - particularly when
there are kids around - a crucial factor in parenting an ADD child is the ability of the
adults involved to work together in a consistent way. The relationship you have with
your partner may have the greatest impact on your motivation and ability to make
significant changes in your parenting. Working together means that you need to
share similar expectations and beliefs about your ADD child, and that you are willing
to pull in the same direction to achieve jointly agreed goals.

Because ADD can take a toll on your coping mechanisms, it is common for one or
both parents to feel `defeated' by the problems you have all been experiencing.
Frequently, one parent feels more burdened than the other and more pessimistic.
There can be many reasons for this pessimism. It is important that you give time and
consideration to the issue, because one partner's negativity can undo the positive
work of the other.