Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (21 page)

You can start by identifying when your partner feels defeated. You can normally
tell because he or she:

• seems gloomy when thinking about the past, the present and the future

• expresses him/herself in negative ways

• shows no enthusiasm about making change

• shows no hope about things improving

• is more likely to be snappy with the children

• overreacts inappropriately in ways that he or she didn't before

• is extremely irritable when small things go wrong.

If the defeated person I've described sounds like you, let me tell you that you have
already taken a first step out of the situation by reading this book (and reading this
far). Talking about how you feel will be your second step. This may be to your partner
or maybe to someone outside the family such as a trusted friend or colleague. He or
she can give you the space to get things off your chest and help you decide whether
you need further help. And professionals such as health visitors or GPs - however
busy - do recognise the tensions that relationships can be under, and can advise or
recommend the right help for you.

Suppose the more defeated person is your partner. There are three things I can
suggest you do:

1. Make an opportunity to discuss the issues raised in this book.

2. Take the opportunity to talk over the frustrations that he or she is
experiencing. Explain how you feel about where you are with ADDapt.
Approach these issues with care. If your partner is feeling vulnerable he or
she may react defensively and see you as being critical. Confronting or
implying that they are letting you down or not pulling their weight can
move you further apart and away from your goal of working together.

3. Discuss the possibility of seeking advice. Talking parenting issues over with
someone outside the situation, who is not on either 'side', may be helpful.
See Appendix 3 for a list of the agencies that can offer this kind of help.

But remember the old saying about taking horses to water: if your partner does not
see the issues as you do and it is hard to talk, do not divert all your energy into
cajoling him or her into seeking help. If they do need individual help, then they must
get it when it is right for them. What you need to concentrate on now is how you can
apply the ideas in this book so that some change can begin in your relationship with
your ADD child. Although he or she may pick up that you and your partner are not
always working as a team on these ideas, there is much that can still be done. Don't
give up because the situation isn't perfect.

Frequently asked questions

Q_' What if both of us feel defeated at the same time?'

A: Good point. I often think of parenting partnerships like a relay team. As
soon as one parent begins to flag, lose patience or energy, the partner needs to
take over, giving a break and injecting new energy into the goal that both are
aiming it. Sadly, when both partners feel defeated this delicate balancing act
breaks down. Feeling this low can often begin a downward spiral, with more
and more rows lowering morale further and further. The behaviour of the children may deteriorate at times like these, as they become worried and
confused about what is going on. Ultimately the quality of your relationship
with your partner suffers and respect for each other can be lost.

It takes honesty to admit that you have fallen into this kind of spiral. You
feel vulnerable and sensitive, thinking that you have failed in some way.
Outside help is invaluable at times like this. Organisations like Relate have
expertise in helping you talk together about your difficulties, in a setting
where the usual hostility that may exist between you will be unlikely to
surface; this will give you space to share your feelings and to reconnect with
your partner. Relationship counsellors, too, are skilled at finding ways of
helping people to strengthen their relationships. If you feel that your
relationship is experiencing this kind of difficulty, my advice is to wait before
starting this programme. Neither of you is likely to succeed in making changes
and sticking to them. The timing isn't right. Concentrate instead on steps to
build up positive resources in your relationship.

Q_` What if my partner won't support mein the changed am making with my child?'

A: There is no easy answer to this. Ideally, you need to bring your partner
along in the efforts that you are making in your relationship with your child.
As you begin to re-evaluate how you do things and how you could do them
more effectively, you will also be re-evaluating the way your partner
approaches the situation. If his or her failure to support you becomes an
obstacle to change, then my only advice is that you seek professional advice
and support. But don't give up because the situation is not ideal. There is so
much that can still be done, even if your child is picking up the differences
between you. Don't lose your focus on what you can achieve and put into
practice.

Children of all ages can benefit from getting your undivided attention during Special
Time, even though the term `Special Time' may sound childish for older kids (seven
and over). The key ingredients of Special Time are:

making time daily to do an activity together - without distraction

• genuinely exploring your child's views and interests

• demonstrating your attention by listening and giving feedback

• avoiding attempts to teach, lecture or reprimand and be the boss

having fun together.

The process may actually be easier with an older child, whose interests will be more
developed than a toddler's. So try applying the Special Time principles to structured
activities like those below. Some will take place away from home, which will
probably involve some planning.

• swimming

horse riding

• walks

• movies

• snooker

fishing

• bike rides

• football (watching a match he is playing in,
taking him to matches, joining in)

• shopping till you drop

• computer games

Schoolwork

You could even include schoolwork in Special Time, as long as you don't fall into the
seductive trap of trying to correct, improve, criticise, etc. Remember, Special Time is
conflict-free time. Only work with those aspects of schoolwork that your child
actually likes.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Find ten minutes daily to check out what your child has been taught
today. Talk over what he may have found of interest. Find out if there is
anything you can do to stimulate that interest or help him with. It pays to
be upbeat and positive about what he is learning. Give him a chance to
show how much he knows before you step in with your ideas.

• Go out of your way to praise improvements in your child's work. Go
through his exercise books and find something to single out for praise.
Notice when handwriting is neater. Pick up when marks are higher. Find
things to praise in his work that the teacher may have missed. Remember,
the older the child the more important it becomes to be as specific as
possible in your praise.

• Don't take `nothing' for an answer. Be more persistent than usual in
finding out what is happening at school. `C'mon, you must remember
something - what's the most interesting thing you can remember from
today?' Go carefully, though. Probe with warmth and humour. Show
you're not going to be fobbed off quickly and you're genuinely interested,
but that you won't leap to criticise him.

Friends

This is another key area for older children because they are still learning about
making, keeping and losing friends. They won't have sorted it all out yet, so there is
plenty of scope for sensitive and genuine interest. But be careful you respect your
child's privacy.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Get into the habit of remembering the details about his friends. Surprise
your child by checking out how things are going with David or Victoria.
Listen without jumping in with advice, unless asked.

• Whether you like it or not, accept that older children don't want you
around! This need to be separate has to be respected. But in my
experience, if you are willing to let your child guide you on how much he
wants to tell you about his problems with friends or worries about not
having any, then the safer he will feel about opening up to you.

Mealtimes

As children get older they like to please themselves more as far as mealtimes are
concerned. You may or may not be flexible on this question. But mealtimes are an
important meeting point and there are real benefits in insisting that the whole family
gets together around the meal table at least once a week.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Get some positive feedback. Try asking everyone around the table to say a
few words about one positive thing that happened for them that day or
week.

• Keep in touch. Check out some issue or incident that you were told or
heard about before, and ask, `What's happening now...?'

• Do a bit of planning. Make sure that you can rely on the other adults and
siblings to be upbeat and positive at family mealtimes. Don't expose
yourselves to lots of divisions and grumbles when the aim is to unite
everyone.

Remember in general:

• ADD kids love activities with plenty of stimulation and action.

• Never show them up in front of their mates. Be prepared to make yourself
scarce if this is on the cards.

• Expect your efforts to be rejected fairly often. Don't give up. Adolescents
can be up and down in their moods. How they feel about you and the
world in general can change rapidly.

• You need to persist to get your 'I am interested' message across. Older
children scrutinise more closely whether you mean what you say. If you
give up too quickly they may assume your interest wasn't genuine.

Frequently asked questions

Q_`My son acts really stupid at times when we're out, taking risks and so on. How should
I handle this if it is meant to be a fun, "boss free" time together?'

A: This is bound to happen on occasions. So you need to be clear about the
minimum expectations you have on behaviour. If you have major worries
about what might go wrong and spoil the time together, talk them over before
you leave home. While you're out, try to ignore as much of his risk-taking as you feel comfortable with. But if things get out of hand, then the show is over
and it's back home.

Q ` Trying to get our child to participate in special activities with either my husband or
me causes flare-ups and rows as a family - is there any point in pushing it?'

A: No. If your attempts are dividing the family instead of bringing you
together, pause for thought. Reflect on how long it has been this way. Decide
if you have a serious problem in the quality of your relationship with your
child. If so, it might be wise to seek advice from someone outside the family.
Talking to a professional such as a child psychologist or family therapist about
these issues might bring a new perspective.

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

• As old as he or she may be, your child is never so mature or so
autonomous that you have lost the opportunity to have Special Time
together. Be a nuisance if necessary, but make that time together happen.
Make it positive and fun - and praise, praise and praise again.