Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (18 page)

The Time Out approach

When a quick punishment is called for, I recommend a technique called
`Time Out'. Pretty soon, threatening Time Out will usually be enough to
stop bad behaviour.

Time Out can be used with any child between the ages of three and a half
and eight. Older children require different approaches that befit their
maturity and the complexity of their needs. Older children respond to
reasoning; they require options that respect their right to choose a course of
action and their ability to recognise the consequences. Withdrawal of
privileges and grounding them in a consistent and assertive way appear to be
the most effective methods.

For the appropriate age group Time Out should eventually deliver a
permanent change in your child's willingness to comply, which means that
frequent smacking can become a thing of the past. Families who try Time
Out usually adopt it as their main strategy for tantrums and defiance.

Time Out is particularly useful with ADD children because it works by
insisting they do the one thing they resist most - sitting still. However, it is
not an easy option at the beginning - it can actually be harder in the short
term.

Time Out works by:

• repetition

• consistency of purpose

• persistence of approach

• determination to succeed.

The Time Out recipe

Ingredients

1 chair (child size)

1 quiet spot in the house (free of TV and toys to play with)

1 child, refusing to do as she had been told

Vast amounts of patience, resolution, determination and selfcontrol

Method

1. Put the chair in the quiet spot. This is now christened 'the
Time-Out Chair'. Introduce your child to it. Tell her what it is
for. Leave until ready for use.

2. Tell your child, who is now throwing a tantrum and not doing
as she is told, 'If you don't stop that ... [e.g. tantrum, pinching]
by the time I count to three, I'll put you on the Time-Out
Chair'.

3. Start counting out loud, 'That's one...'. Pause a few seconds to
see if she stops. If she doesn't, continue: 'That's two.' Your face
should be resolute and determined, but not angry. Your voice
should be calm - no shouting. If your child has not stopped by
'three!' lead her to the Chair and say these exact words: 'I told
you to stop that... [tantrum, pinching, etc.]. Sit on the Chair
until I tell you to get off!' Place her on the Chair and walk
away.

4. Wait for as long as you judge is right (say about a minute for
every year of her age), and when she is quiet tell her she can
get off the Time-Out Chair. Then carry on as before.

Sitting on a chair for several minutes is not harmful (despite the dramatic performance you get). It should be well within the capabilities
of an ADD child.

5. If your child repeats the some naughty behaviour, pick her up -
even if she protests vigorously, and put her back on the Chair.
Tell her again: 'I already told you to stop that [tantrum,
pinching, etc.]. Sit on the Chair until I tell you to get off!'
Walk away and ignore.

6. Repeat as many times as necessary.

So let's begin.

Here are the key actions for Time Out. They are so straightforward that
for fun I have presented them in a way that any cook would be proud of. But
just because it looks simple don't be fooled into thinking it is. It is definitely
not easy, and there is plenty I need to tell you to make it a success.

Key action 1 - read the Time Out recipe

As you read I suggest you think about:

how controlled you will have to be

how long this process may take

how repetitive it will be

• the support you may need to follow through.

NOTE

A warning before you set out: do not start the Time Out technique unless you are
definitely going to see it right through to the end!

Pause for a moment before you carry on reading. Think carefully about the
very first instruction - `Do not start the technique unless you are going to see it
through to the end.' Repetition of Time Out is the key to getting your child to
learn. But doing it over and over is very hard work. You really have to
persevere. You have to show you mean business. You have to show clearly you
will not compromise and will not take no for an answer.

Because Time Out is so demanding of you at the beginning, I suggest that
at first you only use it to target the naughty behaviours that are your top
priority to shift. By limiting the range of behaviours you apply it to, you will
be giving yourself the best chance of being as consistent and resolute as you
need to be.

Key action 2 - list difficult behaviours

Go to the list that you produced on page 121. Take from that list any
behaviours that have not been shifted by the HPS alone and are still causing
conflict. Draw up a new list:

Target these behaviours:

1. Swearing at me

2. Thumping your brother

3.-n.

This is now your action plan. When your child challenges with one of the
behaviours on the list, you go into action with Time Out.

How the technique works

I will now take you through the Time Out recipe stage by stage so as to put
some more detail on to the bare bones.

1. Put the chair in the quiet spot. This is now christened 'the
Time-Out Chair'. Introduce your child to it. Tell her what it is
for. Leave until ready for use.

A quiet spot is essential. You need to have your child out of the flow of family
activity. If she can see the TV or interact with others the impact of Time Out
is lost. Do not compromise on this aspect of the technique. Sitting quietly
where there is nothing to do or look at is boring. Making her do this is the
punishment.

The one negotiation you might permit is over what she sits on. The Chair
itself is not the punishment. If sitting in the Chair becomes an issue in itself,
then consider other places that are equally boring. Getting her to sit on the
floor in the hall or on the bottom step of the staircase, or stationing her in a
spot at the other end of the room where you happen to be, may all work just
as well - providing you are consistent and follow the Time Out technique
through in all other respects.

Chair or bedroom?

Sending a child to her room is not Time Out. Sending her to her room gives
the message: `Give me a break - get out of my sight.' But it also means a
`break' for her. In her room she can entertain herself. Furthermore, an ADD
child is likely to forget the reason for the punishment - or even that it was
supposed to be a punishment at all. So no change in behaviour is likely to
result.

In contrast, when you use the Chair the message you give is: `I am
watching you and if you keep doing that, I will make you do this.' Sitting on
the Time-Out Chair is the reminder that you want her to learn how to behave
and you are willing to keep this up until she responds.

2. Tell your child, who is now throwing a tantrum and not doing
as she is told, that she has until you count to three to stop
being naughty. Say, 'If you don't stop that... [e.g. tantrum,
pinching] by the time I count to three, I'll put you on the
Time-Out Chair'.

3. Start counting out loud, 'That's one'. Pause a few seconds to
see if she stops. If she doesn't, continue: 'That's two.' Your face
should be resolute and determined, but not angry. Your voice
calm - not shouting. If your child has not stopped by 'three!'
lead her to the Chair and say these exact words: 'I told you to
stop that... [tantrum, pinching, etc.] Sit on the Chair until I tell
you to get off!' Place her on the Chair and walk away.

You may find in the beginning that you need to pick your child up and
physically put her on the Chair. She may kick and scream. Be careful neither
of you gets hurt. Avoid smacking and threats to get her into the Chair. What
is required is that you get her to stay on the Chair long enough for you to
give the command. It is actually important that her bottom touches the Chair
because that is the prerequisite for everything that follows.

4. Wait for as long as you judge is right (say about a minute for
every year of her age) and when she is quiet tell her she can
get off the Time-Out Chair. Then carry on as before.

Children will often shout, jabber, scream or whinge while in Time Out. This
is their way of showing that you needn't think things are going to go all your
way. If your child is being defiant in this way, insisting that she is quiet before
she come off is your way of staying in the driving seat.

I recommend that a child is quiet for at least 30 seconds before she gets
off.

TIP FOR SUCCESS

Repeat, repeat, repeat. As I have said, it is the repetition of Time
Out that is the key to getting your child to learn. Yes, it is very
demanding on you.

Key action 3 - read on?

Now you can make your list of behaviours to be tackled and start using Time
Out. But you might want to read Step 11 first - it explores some of the
difficulties that parents often experience in the first week of Time Out, and
offers some strategies for dealing with them. Reading it now may help you to
feel more prepared. However, all parents are different. You will already have
an idea of how you and your child are going to find this new approach. You
may wish to get stuck in straight away and learn through your own
experience before going on to explore more strategies. Please feel free to do
this.

Now...

Make your list of behaviours to be dealt with by Time Out.

Apply the techniques as closely as possible to the method
described.

• When you are ready, read Step 11 for trouble-shooting advice.

In my experience Time Out rarely goes smoothly, but being prepared helps.
In this chapter I am going to:

• illustrate in more detail the problems you may encounter at the
start of Time Out

• prepare you, and advise you on what to do.

Jamie

Delia and Rick have a seven-year-old son, Jamie. Jamie is often defiant
and spiteful. Delia was desperate for advice on how to manage his behaviour.
I described Time Out, and she agreed to try it at home. A week later she said,
`I couldn't get Time Out to work. Jamie wouldn't sit on the Chair. He
ignored my commands to get him there. I stopped because we were heading
for a fight, which I was trying to avoid.'