Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (7 page)

I know that struggling on when you feel you have had enough is
extremely hard. But try to see progress as the underlying message and fight
the temptation to give up - however strong it is.

Preparing for these problems in advance may help you feel ready for any
challenges when they crop up.

Resolutions exercise

Can you recall if there were certain feelings or circumstances that
made you give up on a new resolution (such as following a diet or
an exercise programme, or deciding to watch less television)? Jot
down the event and, if you can, the feelings that led to your losing
your resolve. If you parent with a partner, try doing this exercise together.

Study what you have written. You have experienced these feelings
time and time again. They form your personal response to uphill
struggles - watch out for them creeping in as you progress through
ADDapt.

Golden Rule No. 4: Be consistent

Be consistent in what you say and do. Be consistent in the way you apply
ADDapt. Be consistent with your co-parents - work as a united team.

Inconsistency and ADD

For all parents, being consistent all the time in the way we treat our children
is one of the hardest things to do. Let's face it, there are times when we all
lose the plot in our parenting and fail to be consistent. For example:

• We lose our temper and end up forgetting what we were telling
the child to do.

We give commands that we do not follow up.

• We make threats like `Do that once more and you'll go to bed!', or
`That's it, I'm telling Daddy when he comes home', and then do
nothing.

ADD children are particularly sensitive to inconsistency. They find mixed
messages confusing. They may test you out in challenging ways just to
establish what you mean by the contradictory things you say and do. Being
consistent is your main tool for remedying this.

1. Be consistent in what you say and do

Remember that all young children, and especially children with ADD, tend
to take what we say literally. As adults we often don't expect to be taken
literally. An extravagant threat, like the ones above, may be just an expression
of our anger or frustration.

An ADD child will not recognise this. He or she will be confused if you
don't follow through. And the same goes for rewards and praising. Once you
start a positive change you need to keep it up.

The best policy is: don't make threats, give promises or embark on tasks you are not
prepared to carry through to the end.

2. Be consistent in the way you apply ADDapt

Because consistency is so important, I recommend that you fight the
temptation to try other strategies or techniques that have been recommended
by a friend or relative at the same time as using the ideas in this book. I'm not
saying that I have all the answers or that nobody has equally good ideas.
What I am suggesting is - just try one thing at a time. If you don't, your child
may become hopelessly bewildered and you may be back to square one.

3. Be consistent with each other

ADDapt works equally well for single parents and for couples (and for
anyone else in a parental role). However, I need to stress that where two or
more people share the parenting, it is vital that you are all consistent with
each other in what you say and do, always adopting the same strategies and
backing each other up.

Congratulations, you have got this far! Give yourself a pat on the back. Let's
start on the programme. Step 1 is about you and will help you prepare for the
tasks ahead. Whenever your resolve begins to falter come back to this
chapter to refresh your stamina. In Step 1 you will:

learn how to develop your own powerful motivators - the ones
that work best for you

learn new techniques to empower yourself any time you need to.

I will give you:

• specific directions on what to do

• tips for avoiding pitfalls

• tips for getting off to a positive start.

Motivators: Our natural defences

What are `motivators'? Motivators are messages inside our heads that tell us,
`Basically, you're all right. Things are going OK. We're doing the best we
can. You're not going to give up because...' Beliefs like these function rather
like an emotional immune system to keep our morale up and our resolve
strong. They provide us with the drive and energy to apply ourselves to
things we believe in. They are mental catch-phrases or slogans that sum up
what is important in our lives and in the lives of those close to us. Therapists
call them `anchors' because they anchor the emotion and energy you need to
the phrase or idea. Our ability to keep a balance between the frustrations and pleasures in life may well depend on these natural defences against
negativity and self-doubt.

Beware demotivators

Powerful demotivators have the opposite effect on you. They make your
energy and resolve drain away. These negative beliefs sap your resolve by
telling you, `You will fail' or `You haven't got what it takes' or `Why did this
have to happen to you?' Once they get a hold upon you, these ways of seeing
yourself can make you less productive. They don't serve any useful purpose
and are in fact terribly unhelpful.

Boost your motivation system

Your faith in ADDapt may falter when you have setbacks. At such times you
need to remind yourself of the beliefs that got you started in the first place
and have carried you as far as you have got.

You can train your brain to get into gear by reminding yourself of the
goals you have and the reasons for them. This is what motivators do.
Thoughts such as `I'll do anything for my child', `I always put my children
first', `I put their happiness at the top of the list' spur you on to make an effort
when your spirit is sagging. The bottom line is that there are motivators that
are right for you. Finding them is a personal thing. What motivates some will
only upset others, but in general, messages based on achieving good things
are better than messages based on avoiding bad things. Here are some basic
ideas of how to go about it. First, identify statements that highlight positives:

• about yourself

about your child

about your relationship or the good times you have together.

Then try to capture the essence of those thoughts in a phrase or slogan that
has significance for you. Here are some examples: