Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (11 page)

A positive start is crucial - introduce the programme to your child
in a positive manner. Explain that you have learned a method by
which she may be able to earn rewards and privileges by being
good. Be creative with younger children, who can get really
excited by the idea of a game. Spark their imagination!

• Involve your child. It is very important that she has time to
understand what you are trying to do. Remember, you must review
the rewards and privilege list with her, and try to establish
incentives that appeal to her. Explain the behaviours that you want
to see more of. Let her know why you have put them on the list.
Explain their value in points and tell her the positive change that
your joint efforts will bring to both your life and hers.

Review! Review! Having done all this, it's usually wise to go back
over the rewards and privileges with your child to see if she has
got any extra suggestions about the cost of each privilege and the
types of reward that you have selected.

Frequently asked questions

Q `Will it work?'

A: Yes, in almost all cases, if you follow the rules.

Q_ `What if my child hoards points?'

A: Warning: Hoarder! Children often hoard points to earn something they
really prize. Some can only be motivated by a larger reward. If you have a
hoarder on your hands, there is no point in fighting against it. Let your child
accumulate points. The trick is to keep the value of the prize she has set her
heart on relatively low. If it is too high she is liable to miss out and become
disappointed, with the added danger that she may turn against the HPS.
This you don't want.

Q. `Should I include my other children in the HPS?'

A: Why not? In my experience most children benefit from the structure and
incentives offered by the system. There's a chance that your ADD child will
feel less as if she has been singled out if you do.

Q. 'Is my child too young to understand an HPS-particularly the points and totals?'

A: Good point. For younger children some special guidelines apply.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH YOUNGER CHILDREN

• Use little drawings to depict the more-of behaviours. A match-stick
figure getting out of bed or putting clothes on is fine to show this
is one of the behaviours you are looking for.

• But keep up the writing too - it helps their learning.

• Numbers are often too abstract for younger children. Things that
can be seen and touched have more meaning, so convert points into plastic tokens. Have a jar ready to collect these - and make it
visible.

• Don't make your token system too elaborate. Some parents opt for
different-coloured tokens, others use plastic money - the majority
rely on a simple system to ensure that their four- or five-year-old
can follow what is going on.

`Star charts' are becoming popular in many primary schools. Copy
the same system at home if your child is on one at school. This
may be less confusing than having two different systems.

With younger children, make the most of the ritual of giving and
spending tokens. Counting them out, putting them into the jar and
taking them out to spend should be `played up' to ensure it holds
their interest.

• Keep reinforcing the principles of the HPS as you go along:
`Brushed your teeth today.. .no fuss. . .two red ones. Well done.'
`Very good boy at Granny's today... there was no fighting or
arguing... five extra tokens.'

`Want to spend some tokens tonight?... You've got plenty -
you've been very good lately.'

• If your child still doesn't get the point of the chart at this stage, the
best system is the most basic - tokens as rewards for things he
does right, collected in a jar and spent on a treat when you visit the
shops. Don't forget, even with a basic system it is crucial to
encourage regular spending.

NOTE

Do not start this part of the programme if you or your child are confused. This will
mean you will run into difficulties early on and may give up through lack of
success.

Welcome back! You have been very busy. Special Time will be very familiar
to you by now. Also, you have set up the HPS and are recording and
rewarding your child daily. Well done - you really are doing a great job.

By the way, if you are remortgaging your home to fund the rewards you
give on the HPS, you've taken a wrong turn! Remember, small rewards that
don't cost money are the key, even in today's materialistic world.

If, at times, you have been really cross with your child over the last few
weeks and have been tempted to deduct points, don't. Trust me, that moment
will come, but now is definitely not the time.

You may have noticed that since you have been using Special Time there
has been a tendency for your child to behave better when he has you all to
himself and worse when having to share your attention. This is common.
Don't worry at this stage. I'm sure you are still getting tantrums and defiance,
but we are only at Step 4. Change will almost certainly take longer to became
apparent.

The next three steps take you through the skills you need in order to
tackle all the forms of attention-seeking that your child presents you with.
The first skill is praise. You will learn how to do it effectively and how
powerful it can be.

Some facts about praise

Praise is one of the most effective ways of helping children change, and one
of the most neglected. Given clearly and often, praise is your secret weapon
against the worst aspects of ADD behaviour:

aggression

defiance

stubbornness

fighting

tantrums

swearing

arguing back

• spitefulness

I tell you this because I want you to know that over time the brashest, most
in your face children have been won over by praise. Believe me, I have seen it.

The hidden cost of criticism

For many ADD children life offers a monotonous diet of reprimands,
criticism and punishment from teachers, classmates and those they love and
depend on. ADD kids know only too well that the things they do frustrate,
annoy - enrage - others. What they know too little of is what they do that
pleases, excites and thrills. No wonder they have low self-esteem.

Defiance, the `don't give a damn' attitude, aggression, dumb insolence
and many other behaviours that set ADD kids apart may in fact be a mask for
feelings such as:

• being desperate to please someone

• crying out for approval

feeling insecure and unsure of their self-worth

feeling hungry for praise

• poor self-image

lack of confidence.

These are feelings that are particularly hard for children to put into words.

Praise is valuable to your child

ADD children thrive on attention and develop better when the attention is
positive. Praise brings out the best in them - as it does with all of us. But
praise works especially for ADD kids because it shows that someone has
taken the time to spot their value, their efforts or their qualities. Sadly, for
parents coping with the stress of ADD praise can become as forgotten as
vinyl records.

In my experience, the more you pile praise on an ADD child the more he
realises that he can actually please you. His condition makes him forgetful
and easily distracted, so he needs frequent reminders of this. It means
catching your child doing something right and making sure you are
organising things so that he can do something right as often as possible. If all
you do is point out things he does wrong, you steadily chip away at his
self-esteem.

Reward good behaviour

The central message couldn't be simpler: to show your child he can please
you by being good, you must praise, praise and praise again. The key to
transformation is persistence on your part and coming up with variety in the
ways you give praise.

From now on, always be on the lookout for anything good about your
child's behaviour and reward it with attention and praise. No matter how
small a thing it is, note it and praise it. From now on, if he does something
good like dressing himself without being told, show him you have seen it
and show him that you appreciate it. Don't just take it for granted because he
should have done it anyway. Always praise any behaviour you want to see
more of.

Spotting-success exercise

Ask yourself: 'Are there three things that I can think of that my child is
already doing well? Am I praising him forwhat he has achieved?'

Awash-with-praise exercise

Ask yourself: 'What else can I praise him for and encourage him to
do more often?'

Build self-esteem

Once your child is used to receiving praise for things that he already does,
look for opportunities to praise and encourage him in new areas.

Notice him being more self-reliant, more independent, and reward it
immediately with praise - instances such as:

• Not interrupting when you and your partner are having a
conversation. Turn to your child and say, `Well done, Tommy -
you didn't interrupt. That's much better.'

• Playing with a puzzle for two or three minutes - `That's good,
Tommy, you're playing nicely.'

Not shouting at the top of his voice - `Hey, that's great, Tommy.
You can be so quiet.'

And so on. The more the better.

Moments like these currently occur far less than you want. All the more
reason to offer praise the instant they happen. Hearing warm words from you
at these moments will be unexpected. It will build your child's self-esteem
and self-worth.

In fact, feel free to go over the top. Get really excited about the slightest
thing he does right. Really build him up. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're going crazy - it's only because he has never been used to this much praise.
And it doesn't matter if everyone else thinks you're crazy too. They should
have to cope with what you have to deal with every day!

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

Praise instantly. ADD kids forget quickly and need instant
gratification.