Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (6 page)

Golden Rule No. 2: Be prepared to change

ADDapt is about change - change in the way you and your child behave.
This kind of change is always hard. I am asking you to face the challenge of
doing things differently.

However, I cannot stress enough that asking you to change does not
imply that you have been a terrible parent or an inadequate person. And the
fact that I am asking you to try some new ways of doing things does not
mean I think you have been stupid or negligent because you are not doing
them already. ADD takes a lot out of parents. The child's defiant behaviour is
often well `over the top'. It is natural that you should have lost confidence in
some aspects of your parenting and particularly in your ability to create
change. After all, you probably feel you have been trying to do this for years
with little success. Don't worry - once you know exactly what to do you will
be able to make progress.

But if you are still hearing those negative messages, then I suggest you
reread Chapter 5, `Don't be Hard on Yourself!'

ADDapt and the problem of change

ADDapt can change your life - providing you apply it with dedication and
persistence. You will have been striving to achieve change for some time, and
a desire for change is probably the reason you are reading this book.
However, all too often, parents get discouraged when the first setbacks and
hiccups occur. I have looked closely at the reasons why they falter when it
comes to making the real changes they need. I have interviewed families to
find out what happened in the first weeks of the programme, and the results
have been very revealing. Three factors, it seems, contribute to parents
dropping out early on:

ambivalent feelings about the ADD diagnosis

parents having problems working together

parents clinging to the old ways of disciplining and punishing their
children.

The basics that you need to have in place right now

I now need you, armed with your new knowledge, to make three important
changes - if you have not already done so - in order to get the most out of
ADDapt.

1. Accept that ADD has changed the lives of you and your child

I wantyou to fully accept the idea that your child has ADD. If either you or your
partner secretly believes that ADD is not a disorder but the result of bad
parenting, it will be hard to embrace fully the ADDapt programme. If
anyone in the family harbours the belief that nothing is really wrong or that
the fault lies with the child -'He's just a devious, attention-seeking brat who
needs a good hiding', for example - he or she will cling to old ways of
responding which usually mean applying harsher discipline and making
critical comments.

2. Work together

ADDapt needs all the adults in the life of the child to create and maintain a united front.
If you are parenting with someone and you don't see eye to eye on the points
raised by ADDapt, it will be hard to work together. If you don't work
together, ADDapt may not work at all. Disagreements will increase the
tension and conflict. If this is a likely problem area for you, you need to look
at it now. Appendix 1, `Working in Partnership', specifically addresses these
issues, covers the problems in detail and offers strategies that will help.

3. Be prepared to give up your old ways of disciplining

If your old ways of disciplining and punishing your child were going to work, they
would have done so by now! Many parents resort to smacking and shouting as
their way of teaching children about rules, but ADD children can find
themselves receiving more than their fair share of both.

Parents who have used ADDapt tell me that it makes them aware of just
how critical and punitive their parenting had become. This realisation can
feel uncomfortable. Try not to allow guilt to take over (see Chapter 5). These
guilty feelings can hold you back from taking action. Always remember, you
were doing the best you could.

The best action you can take to neutralise your guilty feelings at this stage
is to put your old strategies to one side and experiment with new ones. It will mean
cutting down on smacks, shouting, punishments and arguments. This can be
hard. Some of the alternatives I offer may at first glance seem rather strange,
but don't judge them too quickly. Please give them a try - and see how
effective they can be!

ADD children and change: Expect resistance

I warn you now that your child is going to resist change. Change brings
conflict. Although I have organised ADDapt to keep the conflict to a
minimum and to give you tools for dealing with it, conflict there will
certainly be. There will be times when you feel the programme is taking you
backwards rather than forwards; sticking with it and being patient are what
you need (see Chapter 7).

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

To tackle the problem of ADD, the first and most important rule is
to be flexible and open to new ideas.

Admit that there is a problem with your child - and its name is
ADD - which he or she cannot help and that you on your own
have been unable to solve.

Prepare to give up your existing ways of disciplining your child
and be ready to accept new ones.

• Get your co-parent (if you have one) to commit to working with
you as a united team.

Decisions exercise

Before embarking on another change, it can be helpful to reflect on
successful changes you have made in the past.

Try to describe one or two good decisions to change that you have
made - setting up your own home, buying a house, finding the best
school for your child - and write down how you succeeded in that
task. You will be surprised how impressive it looks on paper. Trytelling
a friend or partner, or just spend some time thinking about it.

Whicheveryou choose, list for yourself: how you overcame obstacles, what it took from you to make these changes, how you avoided
losing your resolve, and how you managed to follow through your
ideas into action.

Golden Rule No. 3: Stick with it and above all be patient

The secret of success lies in persistence: sticking to it day in, day out; hour by
hour. ADDapt will help you, I promise, but even with ADDapt's tried and
tested methods parents often report setbacks and losses of faith on the road
to success. If you lose heart, if you stop and start, the programme will be less
effective and your child will become very confused.

`This book can change your life'

How many times have you read that on the back of a self-help book?
Actually, it seems that 70 per cent of self-help books of all kinds - from
dieting to building a new career - are not even read through to the end.
These books aren't badly written or misguided. People begin them with the
best intentions but then lose interest and stop reading.

Change of any kind, from losing weight to stopping smoking, takes
dedicated, persistent application and all of us find it hard to break old habits.
Just reading a book - even all the way through! - is not enough; hiccups and
setbacks are an inevitable part of change.

No slacking off

There will always be a real temptation to stop the programme when things
start to improve - it's human nature. Resist it. Your child may beg you to give
up the programme with the promise that he will be good. The choice is
yours, but remember, changing direction after a positive start is very
confusing for him. It will give the impression that you cannot make changes
in your behaviour and stick to them. This is not the example you want to set.

I've no doubt that there will be times when you will tackle tasks with
vigour and enthusiasm and others when you will be dispirited and
half-hearted. In truth, this doesn't matter. What matters most is that your child
seesyou endure and carry through your ideas when it would be much easier to stop.

Be patient

Sticking at it when change seems terribly slow in coming is the real
challenge. Change will not come overnight, and all of you will have to get
used to new ideas and to giving up old ways.

Beware of the inner voice encouraging you to backslide

Be especially wary when the voices telling you to backslide are the loudest.
For instance:

• when you've had a long day with the kids or at work

when no one seems to understand how hard it is for you

when you have loads to do and no time for yourself.

Times like these, when you most feel like giving up, may hold the key to your
ability to make a fresh start. Look at the examples I've just given. Frustration
and despair are the main feelings being generated at such moments. These
feelings do funny things to one's judgement. In my clinical experience many
parents give up just at the point when they were about to turn the corner in
making progress with their child. Often the really tough ground work has
been done and the misery endured, but frustration and despair evoke
reactions in us that cloud our judgement so we miss the small signs that
things are beginning to shift. Try to use the feelings of wanting to give up as
a sign - a message, if you will - that you really are chipping away at the
problem.