Penny Dreadful Multipack Vol. 1 (Illustrated. Annotated. 'Wagner The Wehr-Wolf,' 'Varney The Vampire,' 'The Mysteries of London Vol. 1' + Bonus Features) (Penny Dreadful Multipacks) (92 page)

"There
is no respect required," said the admiral, "but only a little
attention."

Sir
Francis bowed in a stately manner, saying,—

"I
shall be quite unhappy if you will not be seated, Admiral Bell."

"Oh,
never mind that, Sir Francis Varney, if you be Sir Francis Varney; for you may
be the devil himself, for all I know. My nephew, Charles Holland, considers
that, one way and another, he has a very tolerable quarrel with you."

"I
much grieve to hear it."

"Do
you?"

"Believe
me, I do. I am most scrupulous in what I say; and an assertion that I am
grieved, you may thoroughly and entirely depend upon."

"Well,
well, never mind that; Charles Holland is a young man just entering into life.
He loves a girl who is, I think, every way worthy of him."

"Oh,
what a felicitous prospect!"

"Just
hear me out, if you please."

"With
pleasure, sir—with pleasure."

"Well,
then, when a young, hot-headed fellow thinks he has a good ground of quarrel
with anybody, you will not be surprised at his wanting to fight it out."

"Not
at all."

"Well,
then, to come to the point, my nephew, Charles Holland, has a fancy for
fighting with you."

"Ah!"

"You
take it d——d easy."

"My
dear sir, why should I be uneasy? He is not my nephew, you know. I shall have
no particular cause, beyond those feelings of common compassion which I hope
inhabit my breast as well as every one else's."

"What
do you mean?"

"Why,
he is a young man just, as you say, entering into life, and I cannot help
thinking it would be a pity to cut him off like a flower in the bud, so very
soon."

"Oh,
you make quite sure, then, of settling him, do you?"

"My
dear sir, only consider; he might be very troublesome, indeed; you know young
men are hot-headed and troublesome. Even if I were only to maim him, he might
be a continual and never-ceasing annoyance to me. I think I should be
absolutely, in a manner of speaking, compelled to cut him off."

"The
devil you do!"

"As
you say, sir."

"D—n
your assurance, Mr. Vampyre, or whatever odd fish you may be."

"Admiral
Bell, I never called upon you and received a courteous reception, and then
insulted you."

"Then
why do you talk of cutting off a better man than yourself? D—n it, what would
you say to him cutting you off?"

"Oh,
as for me, my good sir, that's quite another thing. Cutting me off is very
doubtful."

Sir
Francis Varney gave a strange smile as he spoke, and shook his head, as if some
most extraordinary and extravagant proposition had been mooted, which it was
scarcely worth the while of anybody possessed of common sense to set about
expecting.

Admiral
Bell felt strongly inclined to get into a rage, but he repressed the idea as
much as he could, although, but for the curious faint green light that came
through the blinds, his heightened colour would have sufficiently proclaimed
what state of mind he was in.

"Mr.
Varney," he said, "all this is quite beside the question; but, at all
events, if it have any weight at all, it ought to have a considerable influence
in deciding you to accept of what terms I propose."

"What
are they, sir?"

"Why,
that you permit me to espouse my nephew Charles's quarrel, and meet you instead
of him."

"You
meet me?"

"Yes;
I've met a better man more than once before. It can make no difference to
you."

"I
don't know that, Admiral Bell. One generally likes, in a duel, to face him with
whom one has had the misunderstanding, be it on what grounds it may."

"There's
some reason, I know, in what you say; but, surely, if I am willing, you need
not object."

"And
is your nephew willing thus to shift the danger and the job of resenting his
own quarrels on to your shoulders?"

"No;
he knows nothing about it. He has written you a challenge, of which I am the
bearer, but I voluntarily, and of my own accord, wish to meet you
instead."

"This
is a strange mode of proceeding."

"If
you will not accede to it, and fight him first, and any harm comes to him, you
shall fight me afterwards."

"Indeed."

"Yes,
indeed you shall, however surprised you may look."

"As
this appears to be quite a family affair, then," said Sir Francis Varney,
"it certainly does appear immaterial which of you I fight with
first."

"Quite
so; now you take a sensible view of the question. Will you meet me?"

"I
have no particular objection. Have you settled all your affairs, and made your
will?"

"What's
that to you?"

"Oh,
I only asked, because there is generally so much food for litigation if a man
dies intestate, and is worth any money."

"You
make devilish sure," said the admiral, "of being the victor. Have you
made your will?"

"Oh,
my will," smiled Sir Francis; "that, my good sir, is quite an
indifferent affair."

"Well,
make it or not, as you like. I am old, I know, but I can pull a trigger as well
as any one."

"Do
what?"

"Pull
a trigger."

"Why,
you don't suppose I resort to any such barbarous modes of fighting?"

"Barbarous!
Why, how do you fight then?"

"As
a gentleman, with my sword."

"Swords!
Oh, nonsense! nobody fights with swords now-a-days. That's all exploded."

"I
cling to the customs and the fashions of my youth," said Varney. "I
have been, years ago, accustomed always to wear a sword, and to be without one
now vexes me."

"Pray,
how many years ago?"

"I
am older than I look, but that is not the question. I am willing to meet you
with swords if you like. You are no doubt aware that, as the challenged party,
I am entitled to the choice of weapons."

"I
am."

"Then
you cannot object to my availing myself of the one in the use of which I am
perfectly unequalled."

"Indeed."

"Yes,
I am, I think, the first swordsman in Europe; I have had immense
practice."

"Well,
sir, you have certainly made a most unexpected choice of weapons. I can use a
sword still, but am by no means a master of fencing. However, it shall not be
said that I went back from my word, and let the chances be as desperate as they
may, I will meet you."

"Very
good."

"With
swords?"

"Ay,
with swords; but I must have everything properly arranged, so that no blame can
rest on me, you know. As you will be killed, you are safe from all
consequences, but I shall be in a very different position; so, if you please, I
must have this meeting got up in such a manner as shall enable me to prove, to
whoever may question me on the subject, that you had fair play."

"Oh,
never fear that."

"But
I do fear it. The world, my good sir, is censorious, and you cannot stop people
from saying extremely ill-natured things."

"What
do you require, then?"

"I
require you to send me a friend with a formal challenge."

"Well?"

"Then
I shall refer him to a friend of mine, and they two must settle everything
between them."

"Is
that all?"

"Not
quite. I will have a surgeon on the ground, in case, when I pink you, there
should be a chance of saving your life. It always looks humane."

"When
you pink me?"

"Precisely."

"Upon
my word, you take these affairs easy. I suppose you have had a few of
them?"

"Oh,
a good number. People like yourself worry me into them, I don't like the
trouble, I assure you; it is no amusement to me. I would rather, by a great
deal, make some concession than fight, because I will fight with swords, and
the result is then so certain that there is no danger in the matter to
me."

"Hark
you, Sir Francis Varney. You are either a very clever actor, or a man, as you
say, of such skill with your sword, that you can make sure of the result of a
duel. You know, therefore, that it is not fair play on your part to fight a
duel with that weapon."

"Oh,
I beg your pardon there. I never challenge anybody, and when foolish people
will call me out, contrary to my inclination, I think I am bound to take what
care of myself I can."

"D—n
me, there's some reason in that, too," said the admiral; "but why do
you insult people?"

"People
insult me first."

"Oh,
nonsense!"

"How
should you like to be called a vampyre, and stared at as if you were some
hideous natural phenomenon?"

"Well,
but—"

"I
say, Admiral Bell, how should you like it? I am a harmless country gentleman,
and because, in the heated imaginations of some member of a crack-brained
family, some housebreaker has been converted into a vampyre, I am to be pitched
upon as the man, and insulted and persecuted accordingly."

"But
you forget the proofs."

"What
proofs?"

"The
portrait, for one."

"What!
Because there is an accidental likeness between me and an old picture, am I to
be set down as a vampyre? Why, when I was in Austria last, I saw an old
portrait of a celebrated court fool, and you so strongly resemble it, that I
was quite struck when I first saw you with the likeness; but I was not so
unpolite as to tell you that I considered you were the court fool turned
vampyre."

"D—n
your assurance!"

"And
d—n yours, if you come to that."

The
admiral was fairly beaten. Sir Francis Varney was by far too long-headed and
witty for him. After now in vain endeavouring to find something to say, the old
man buttoned up his coat in a great passion, and looking fiercely at Varney, he
said,—"I don't pretend to a gift of the gab. D—n me, it ain't one of my
peculiarities; but though you may talk me down, you sha'n't keep me down."

"Very
good, sir."

"It
is not very good. You shall hear from me."

"I
am willing."

"I
don't care whether you are willing or not. You shall find that when once I
begin to tackle an enemy, I don't so easily leave him. One or both of us, sir,
is sure to sink."

"Agreed."

"So
say I. You shall find that I'm a tar for all weathers, and if you were a
hundred and fifty vampires all rolled into one, I'd tackle you somehow."

The
admiral walked to the door in high dudgeon; when he was near to it, Varney
said, in some of his most winning and gentle accents,—

"Will
you not take some refreshment, sir before you go from my humble house?"

"No!"
roared the admiral.

"Something
cooling?"

"No!"

"Very
good, sir. A hospitable host can do no more than offer to entertain his
guests."

Admiral
Bell turned at the door, and said, with some degree of intense bitterness,

"You
look rather poorly. I suppose, to-night, you will go and suck somebody's blood,
you shark—you confounded vampyre! You ought to be made to swallow a red-hot
brick, and then let dance about till it digests."

Varney
smiled as he rang the bell, and said to a servant,—

"Show
my very excellent friend Admiral Bell out. He will not take any
refreshments."

The servant
bowed, and preceded the admiral down the staircase; but, to his great surprise,
instead of a compliment in the shape of a shilling or half-a-crown for his
pains, he received a tremendous kick behind, with a request to go and take it
to his master, with his compliments.

The
fume that the old admiral was in beggars all description. He walked to
Bannerworth Hall at such a rapid pace, that Jack Pringle had the greatest
difficulty in the world to keep up with him, so as to be at all within speaking
distance.

"Hilloa,
Jack," cried the old man, when they were close to the Hall. "Did you
see me kick that fellow?"

"Ay,
ay, sir."

"Well,
that's some consolation, at any rate, if somebody saw it. It ought to have been
his master, that's all I can say to it, and I wish it had."

"How
have you settled it, sir?"

"Settled
what?"

"The
fight, sir."

"D—n
me, Jack, I haven't settled it at all."

"That's
bad, sir."

"I
know it is; but it shall be settled for all that, I can tell him, let him
vapour as much as he may about pinking me, and one thing and another."