Perfect Freedom (34 page)

He heard a sound behind him and turned. Carl was standing at the entrance to the ruined enclosure. Their eyes met. Robbie surrendered to them. Carl was smiling with confident affection. “So. Have you fallen in love with him?” he asked.

“Yes. Any news?”

“The plot is afoot. He will be moved tomorrow night when the right people are on duty. That means you can collect him day after tomorrow and be on your way. Your father is anxious to leave. If it takes you a week to get back, it will be very nearly time for your charter to expire. I suggested a swim but they prefer to wait till after lunch. I knew where to find you. Your mother sent these.” He was carrying a straw basket. He pulled Robbie's trunks out of it and tossed them to him. “You won't need them where I will take you. Come.”

Robbie's wait was over. He dropped his hand from the statue and moved to Carl. They set off side by side. His heart was beating rapidly but he felt surprisingly calm and self-assured. He would let Carl choose the time and place. He wanted to find out how an experienced man of the world went about it.

“I think you mustn't go back there again,” Carl said. “You'll attract attention if you go too often. The next time you see him, he'll be yours.”

“Thanks to you.”

“I will have my reward. We're going to my secret cove.”

“The cove where we pick up the statue?”

“No, no. Another, very private.”

They crossed fields sloping upward and reached a crest and started down the side of high land that dropped to the sea. They picked their way over rock formations and clambered down to a small cove similar to the one where the Coslings swam at home, enclosed by two short rocky points. There was a short beach of hard-packed sand and behind it an outcropping of rock that formed a shallow cave screened from above by pines. If nobody else came along, they were as private as if they were behind locked doors. Robbie felt totally cut off from the world.

“So,” Carl said with satisfaction. “My private outdoor pool. We will make ourselves at home.” He emptied his bag of towels and suntan lotions and pulled off his shirt.

Robbie knew his handsome torso but was unprepared for the sensual shock of seeing it totally naked. He turned away, faced with a dilemma. He didn't think he could be naked with Carl without getting an erection. It was already well started. Would it be permissible? It struck him as forcing the issue until some preliminary contact was made. He was saved further uncertainty by Carl darting past him and running naked down to the sea. His back was more stunning than the statue's, as massive as a Michelangelo. Robbie stripped with relief and followed him slowly, holding a towel in front of himself. Carl was swimming vigorously out beyond the cove's enclosure. Robbie dropped the towel and plunged in but stayed close to shore. He was learning a lesson in adult timing. There was no need to fling themselves on each other like kids. Carl would take him when he was ready for him. He climbed out and dried himself and returned to where Carl had left his bag. He spread the towel and lay on it on his back with one end draped across his midriff.

He saw Carl swimming toward shore and his heart accelerated again. He lay without moving as Carl emerged from the sea and strolled toward him, unconcernedly, masterfully naked. Robbie watched his not unexpectedly big cock swing as he moved. He stood over Robbie and shook out a towel and gave himself a brisk rubdown. When he was finished, the big cock was considerably bigger. Robbie's grew with it. He adjusted his towel to cover it as he gazed up at the golden body. Golden curls glinted on his chest. His cock hung from a froth of fine-spun gold. Carl dropped the towel and knelt on it with one knee touching Robbie's side. He found a comb in his bag and ran it through his thick golden hair. All his movements were calm and deliberate; he was approaching love-making as something simple and relaxed and expected, as natural between them as conversation. Robbie's erection was complete, lying on his belly under the towel. Carl's cock continued to burgeon, developing a pronounced jut, but he finished combing his hair as if he weren't aware of it. Nothing could shake his self-possession. Robbie had never watched a cock go through the transition from repose to erection. His eyes were riveted on it. Carl dropped the comb into his bag and sat back on his heels. His cock lay along his thigh.

“So. Do you think anybody suspects what we've been waiting for?” he asked playfully.

“What do you mean?”

“You can see for yourself, you wicked child.” He put a hand on Robbie's chest. “My, how your heart is beating.”

Robbie watched his cock surge out like a great snake uncoiling and swelling for an attack, curving across his thigh. His heart beat faster. “I'm not a child,” he said.

“But wicked, eh?”

“If you want to call it that.” He gave his towel a little push and it fell away to his side, uncovering his erection. Carl's hand went to it and raised it and moved over it appreciatively'.

“No, not a child. A very splendid young man.” His cock lifted. Robbie watched as it straightened and swung out and stood upright. It was on the heroic scale of all his heroic body, not quite the equal of Theo's but nearly so.

“Oh my God,” Robbie murmured. He pulled himself up and fell on it, grasping it with both hands and working his open mouth over it. Carl stroked his head and shoulders for a moment and laughed.

“Such a hungry boy.” He gripped his arms and pulled him up against him and kissed him. The pressure of their erections against each other gave Robbie an immediate orgasm. He snatched for the towel to contain the ejaculation and lay gasping in Carl's arms. “Youth's hot blood,” Carl said with a chuckle.

“I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. It doesn't matter. You know what I want. Take me.”

“It's not too big? Some boys are frightened of it.”

“No. I've had one like it.”

“Theo? At Poros?”

Robbie looked at him and his eyes widened. “Does everybody know?”

“I doubt it. I made it my business to find out. I've heard there might be some similarity.”

“You haven't found out for yourself?”

“How could I? I don't pick up boys, my dear. Sometimes some chemistry occurs and then not making love would be as forced and foolish as not breathing. That's what has happened to us, my darling boy.” Carl drew Robbie closer and the boy gave his mouth to him. The kiss became breathless as Robbie was once more aroused and he struggled away and flung himself down on his stomach.

“Take me. Please,” he begged. Carl did so superbly.

Robbie lay where Carl had left him, taking stock of the momentous event. It was another initiation. Carl was somebody he knew with his parents; he would go on seeing him in the future. It hadn't been just sex, but the consecration of a relationship that would become a part of life. It was a relationship that hadn't been imposed by outside circumstances, family or school, but had to be created out of himself. How were they supposed to behave in public? He had somebody at last who could tell him everything.

He rolled over and scrambled to his feet and went down to the sea and washed all over in shallow water, watching Carl's head bobbing about far beyond the cove. He could feel the bond between them spanning the distance; he belonged more to Carl than to his parents. He saw him heading in finally and he lay with the sea washing over him and waited for him. They put their arms around each other and walked back to the towels. Carl wasn't much taller but so much bigger that Robbie felt swallowed up by him. They stretched out again, Robbie on his back, Carl against him on his side, propped on an elbow so that they were touching everywhere.

“Is anybody going to know about this?” Robbie asked with a hand on Carl's hair.

“No, no. It's our secret. We're allies. We will tell each other our secrets. I'm in love with the Coslings. You must make your mother like me. I don't think she trusts me.”

“I'll make her love you if you promise to take me whenever I want.”

“Will that be often?”

“All the time.”

Carl laughed. “There might be difficulties. Perhaps it will be easier in St. Tropez.”

“You have women too?”

“Of course, as you will soon, if you haven't already.”

“No, never,” Robbie asserted. “I'll never want a girl.”

“You consider yourself a homosexual?”

“No.” It was a terrified denial. “I want to talk to you about it. Is it possible? I don't want to be. Isn't homosexuality some sort of insanity? I mean, I know there's a place in St. Tropez where boys go dressed as girls. I'd never want to do that.”

“Why should you? Homosexuality is simply preferring your own sex. There's no need to dress up for it.”

“You mean, because we've made love together, we're both homosexuals?”

“Of course not. I said
preferring
your own sex. I've never felt the need for boys as I have sometimes for a woman, although they've given me much pleasure. Is it vicious of me to indulge myself or is it only a normal response to physical beauty not unlike what I feel for our statue? Who could resist beauty such as yours?”

“No. Tell me. I've got to know.” He was suddenly desperate for reassurance, to be told the difference between him and the damned. “Do you think I'm a homosexual?”

“Oh, my dear Robbie, how can I know? It's probably too soon for you to know. We should talk about this in a year or two.”

“No. I've got to know now. You say I can tell you everything. I will. I like to suck cocks. Is that insane?”

“I don't think the women who have enjoyed doing it would think so. You probably have a strong feminine streak in you. For a man to want it is considered a perversion.”

“You don't want to suck mine?”

“In sex, everybody has their preferences. That has never been one of mine but I have no hard-and-fast rules. I have done it. Things happen unexpectedly. Do you want me to?”

“No, not if you don't want to. Nobody ever has. Have you ever been fucked?”

“No. That, never.”

Robbie was seized by panic as he realized that he wasn't going to be offered any reassurances. His heart began to pound so violently that he could hardly breathe. He turned in against Carl and clung to him and forced himself to speak. “I wanted you to fuck me. I begged you to. I want men to take me. I want to suck their cocks. What can I do about it?”

Carl hugged him close. “Did anybody teach you these things?”

“You mean, force me? There was a first time, of course. I was horrified and then I discovered that I wanted it. I wanted more than the first boy would allow. I wanted to teach
him
things.”

“Then only nature is to blame.”

“Blame? Why is it wrong when so many people want it? It doesn't seem wrong with you. It didn't with Theo.” He felt their cocks hardening against each other. Only that could keep panic at bay.

“Theo isn't a homosexual.”

“That's what I thought. Then what's different about me? That's what I don't understand. We did everything together. He didn't really suck my cock but he put it in his mouth. He let his brother fuck him. Doesn't that make him a homosexual?”

“No. Very few Greeks are homosexuals. Why should they be? Their attitude toward sex is very different from ours. I didn't mean that you are to be blamed. How could I? You noticed the broken column over there at the entrance to the site. It was put there by men. The difference is that women were included in their lives. Christianity has made us sexual bigots and forced us to make an unnatural choice.”

“You mean, I've
chosen
to be a homosexual and you haven't?”

“No, no. I speak of pressures we usually know nothing about. Something has happened to you that makes you exclude girls. I was lucky, I think, more the way we're meant to be. I'm in love with people, not with one sex or the other, though perhaps a little more with women.”

“Then that's the difference? Men can make love with men without being homosexual? I'm doomed if I don't want girls? I've had sex with seven men in the last few weeks. You're the eighth. It's always the same.” Panic still pounded in his veins as he drew the unavoidable conclusion. “I wanted them to take me like a girl or let me suck their cocks. They didn't suck mine. I didn't understand but I'm beginning to. I'm all the things people are disgusted by. I'm a cocksucker, a boy who wants to be fucked. Big cocks thrill me—yours, Theo's—but I even worship smaller ones. I'm growing up to be more of a girl than a man, even if I don't want to dress like one. Not yet. It's horrible and terrifying but I've got to face it. I'm a freak. Could you like me if I'm a homosexual?” His eyes filled with tears and he choked on his words.

Carl lifted himself over Robbie and kissed his eyes and hair and cheeks and cradled him in his arms. He found this outburst surprisingly childish but it suited his purposes. The boy was his for life. “My dearest Robbie. My poor darling boy,” he said. “You mustn't be frightened of life. I'm not a very good man in many ways but I do know the world. There are millions of men who share your feelings—as you said yourself, some very great men. Why do you think da Vinci and Michelangelo were so obsessed by the male body? If nothing changes in the next few years, you will fall in love with a boy your own age and he will love you in return and you will discover how happy life can be even for a freak. No, I mustn't joke. I won't have you think of yourself in such a way. Do you think I would want you if you were a freak? Feel my cock, how much I want you. You are a beautiful brilliant boy and we will be friends for always.”

“Do you mean it? Oh God, I want to stay with you. I wish you were my father.”

“I doubt if this would be happening if I were.”

“Why not?”

“Do you want to make love with your father?”