Perfect Imperfections (4 page)

CHAPTER 6

The flight attendant’s voice brought Kim back to the present. The time she had given herself to prepare for what was to come was over, the in-between was over. Now she had to brace herself for what was to happen next.

“…If you require deplaning assistance, please remain in your seat until all…..” the sugary voice of the flight attendant went.

“Are you okay?” Dave rubbed her shoulders gently. “You should have asked for a pillow. Sleeping at that angle…”

“No, I am fine. I’ll be fine.” Kim rubbed at her sore neck.

“Okay, let’s get off then.”

Kim felt she was on autopilot ever since they had landed. The drive to the hotel Dave had booked was hazy. While she getting ready, Dave went to his place, changed, and drove back in his car to pick Kim, but she wasn’t yet ready. She was still struggling to put her thoughts together and that frustrated her. When Dave walked into her hotel room, she was sitting at the edge of the bed staring at the corner window.

“Kim?”

“Yeah! I know… I’ll be done in a bit. Just… just give me some time,” she managed to finish.

“Kim.” He walked towards her and got down on his haunches so that he was at eye level with her. “Look at me, Kim.” He turned her face to his. “You trust me, right?” Kim just nodded and looked down at her hands as Dave took them in his. “Okay then… you know what we are doing, right?”

“No. I mean yes… I mean… I don’t know, Dave. That’s the problem I guess. I don’t know what I am doing.” She wanted to say I don’t know what I am doing with you, but she couldn’t bring herself to say that she didn’t know if that was even true. But that moment made her wonder if that was the problem. She pulled herself up and walked to the window looking out at the skyline of Dubai from the twenty-second floor. The setting sun had splashed a dusky mauve and pale orange hue across the evening sky, a time of the day Kim had disliked ever since she could remember. She pulled down the window blinds and turned the lamp on.

“What are we going to tell my parents, Dave?” She stood by the lamp and looked at Dave who was still kneeling by the bed.

He got up and walked to Kim and stood in front of her with his hands in his pocket. He checked the urge to tuck the stray strand of her behind her ear and hug her, as he knew that would only raise her hackles. “We’ll tell them that you and I are in a relationship, which is true, that we are not fooling around which is also true and that we want to see where this goes — true again. We respect them, and don’t want to hide anything from them. I think that should cover the basics. And then…” He shrugged. “…and then, we will just answer whatever questions they have to the best of our ability.” He couldn’t resist any longer and tucked the stray strand of hair behind Kim’s ears and touched her cheeks lightly with his thumb and that instantly calmed her. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath.

“Yes, okay, yes.”

“Kim, you know that they love you, and that’s the only reason they are concerned.” He walked to her and wrapped her in a side hug. “Wouldn’t you react this very way if you heard Sam was dating someone much older than her? Or how would you feel if she was dating at all?”

“She is too young to date.” The words came out instantly without Kim thinking about it and pause before saying, “No! Well, yes.” She quickly changed her answer as soon as she saw the grin on his face and smiled back. “Yes, I wouldn’t take it too well and that’s only because she is too young.”

“You are right. You are entitled to react that way just as your parents are entitled to react the way they are. You are also entitled to feel all these emotions that you are feeling right now. It’s nobody’s fault, Kim. People are not all good or all bad.”

He sat her down on the bed and tilted her face up a little. “You have to stop slotting people as black or white. Sometimes, it’s not even them and it’s just a bad situation.”

Dave had a faraway look in his eyes and Kim wondered if she had seen this look on him ever before. The hurt in his eyes radiated pain so strongly that she forgot all her worries for a minute and felt pulled into that pain. Dave realized the two hadn’t spoken a word for a few minutes, he looked at Kim to see her staring at him in concern.

He quickly got back to the topic before Kim began to worry. “So we’ll do our best to make your parents comfortable and then take it from there,” he said and pressed his lips lightly on her head. He pointed to the pile of clothes on the bed. “Wear that… Richard will not be able to stay mad at you for more than a minute if he saw his girl in that.” He pointed to pair of jumpsuit that he was told, was a champagne pink color with white bows printed on them.

The drive to Kim’s parents’ house could not have been more uncomfortable. She seemed to have a nervous tick. Her knees seemed to twitch as they drove to meet Kim’s parents. 

“How many coffees have you had?”

Kim shot him a look.

“Ok!” He knew silence would serve them better, but he also knew if he didn’t do or say something to Kim to calm her down now, she would erupt at the slightest push. He couldn’t afford that to happen now, especially that Richard was back in the hospital and they could not visit him at home.

“Kim,” he said and placed his hand on her knee, which effectively reduced the intensity of her jitters. “Will it help if we reschedule this?” It was a rhetorical question. He knew Kim well. He knew she would never agree to postpone this. It was a safe bet, intended to get her to calm down.

“No,” she said with a heave and took Dave’s hand into hers. “I know I am being a handful, but... I don’t know… This is just…”

She let the words hang there. What would she have said?
I don’t want this. Or I am doing this just to make my point. But what was ‘this’?
She wasn’t sure of what she was doing, let alone knowing why she was doing it.

The rest of the drive was in silence. She almost went into some sort of emotional catalepsy and, for a change, Dave didn't know what was going through her head.

***

At the hospital, Richard was under medication and was asleep when Kim and Dave walked in. Judith was sitting by his bedside with her tablet in hand. Even though she had known that Kim was coming in to see Richard, she couldn’t hide the look of surprise when she actually saw her, and that was followed with a look of relief. Maybe a part of her still didn’t believe that Kim would come after all. And if she knew her daughter at all, she knew very well that if it were not for Dave, Kim would never have come. For that, she was grateful to Dave. Perhaps, that realization made it easier for her to bring up a genuine smile when Dave greeted her.

The conversations were superficial. They spoke mostly about Sam, Judith’s work, Kim’s work, and the weather as though they were overcautious to stay clear of anything that could and would trigger the underlying tension and accusations that Kim and Judith had for each other.

Then, Kim sat on the bed and gently stroked Richard’s hands. “How much longer, Ma?” Kim finally dared to get to the point.

“Not much.” The words caught in Judith’s throat. It had been long since she had allowed herself to think of that. Her
take-one-day-at-a-time
mantra was the only reason she was able to pull through these years ever since she was told of Richard’s terminal illness. “Not much,” she said again, and this time the words came out louder and stronger, but the prickling tears betrayed her forced bravado.

A pang of guilt pierced Kim.
What was she doing?
She wanted to go hug her mother like the many times she had after every fight with her. That hug said it all. But today, she just couldn’t get herself to take those few steps towards her mother and hug her. She couldn’t separate the woman who asked her to sacrifice her future from the mother who sat in front of her right now. She couldn’t separate the girl who had to give up her dreams from the girl who needed to help her family; she just couldn’t.

It was not long before Richard woke up again. Even though the medications had made it harder and harder for him to have clear thoughts and moments of clarity, he tried to be completely present and surprisingly energetic in the conversation.

“So, Dave? Is that right?” he asked.

CHAPTER 7

Dave knew that Kim’s good cheer was only a pretense. Beneath that façade, there were hidden feelings of guilt and hurt and they came up prominently whenever she saw Judith.
What was with these women?
— Dave often wondered.
Why couldn’t they let things go when they clearly wanted to?

As he stood there, making small talk with Judith, he felt himself being measured for every word that came out of his mouth. He had not been in a situation like this in a long time — twenty years to be precise, when he had started his business — but the feeling now was more uncomfortable than it was back then. At that time, he had just been looked upon as incapable boy and judged for every breath he took. But today was different.

And why was it different? Why was he willingly facing this discomfort? The answer came to him the next instant — if he allowed himself to be in this wretched position, it said just one thing about him. He loved Kim.

“Yes, Dave,” said Dave and stretched out his hand to shake Richard’s. But Richard merely lifted his hand, gesturing him to come closer for a hug.

Standing close to them, Kim couldn’t believe her eyes. There were no questions, no arguments. Richard would never have hugged another man, let alone a man who was dating one of his daughters. The sight was so overwhelming that she couldn’t control the stream of silent tears. She could not control them, no matter how hard she tried.

Dave proceeded to hug Richard, and as he did so, he heard him mumble in a voice that was barely audible, “Thank you for bringing her.” Dave just shook his head. He felt an instant camaraderie with this ailing man. His heart felt heavy with the thought that if this man had more time, then they would have perhaps liked each other’s company.

The rest of the afternoon, Richard kept oscillating between sleep and wakefulness, and whenever he was awake, he would tell Dave about Kim. He told him how she had always wanted to do things the way they were not supposed to be done. He told her how she had run off one evening as she was not given permission for a night out at Beth’s, and had spent all evening hiding in the backseat of his car. “Did you know I had seen you climb in the car, Kim?” he asked. “That was why we never went looking for you.” He chuckled, and the hollow noise echoed in his chest. “And when she saw we had not come for her even by dinnertime, she came back in and announced that we had proven we loved Sammy more than her and had not even noticed her gone.”

He looked at Dave. “She was so adorably mad at us. You see she didn’t know that Beth was down with fever and we didn’t want her to worry about her best friend. So we didn’t tell her why she couldn’t go over. But Kim…” he looked at Kim and then back at Dave. “You sure you want her? Well she can be a handful.” Another chuckle escaped his mouth, making that hollow echo sound again. “She is the best thing that could have ever happened to us.”

He looked at Judith now and raised his frail hands. He slipped those hands into hers and laced her fingers. “She will resist and will be mean as hell, but you must know by now that that meanness is only a pretense.”

Then he grinned at Kim, looking at her knotted eyebrows and the little pout that had formed on her lips, just like the many times it had when anyone spoke of her like a child.

“Look after her, Dave, even when she doesn’t want to be looked after,” he said and paused. “And remember to duck,” that hollow chuckle sounded again. “You’ll thank me for that!”

“Dad!” Kim felt her throat closing.
Why did this feel like a last conversation?
The very thought made her ache. “Enough of this.” She walked to his side, pushing Dave back. “You need to rest. We’ll check with the doctor when we can take you home. Then I am going back to the hotel, pack up my bags, and bring in my luggage home. So… just rest now.”

***

It didn’t take Dave much to convince Kim to apply for some leave, and to Kim’s surprise, Dave become a more welcome part of the family than she could have imagined. Even Judith had grown genuinely fond of him and, on the few occasions that Richard felt well enough to join them in the living room, they would collectively tease Kim for her reactions to tough situations. But seeing her family, minus Sam of course, her heart welled up. It all felt so normal. She hadn’t felt normal in so long.

It was late on a rainy night, Kim’s last week at home before she had to go back to work, when Judith’s screams woke her up. She knew at once why and knew that she needed to be calm when she stepped outside her room. Just as she opened the door to her room, she glanced at the wall clock in the living room. The florescent dial glowed 2:10 a.m.

When she came to her parents’ room, the nurse was giving instructions over the phone, and her mom was trying hard to suppress her screams with the palms of her hands. Judith saw Kim and rushed to her, saying, “He wasn’t moving Kim. I got up to check on him and he wasn’t moving.”

Judith’s face was paper-white as if she had seen a ghost. She was still screaming on top of her voice. Kim hugged her mom and took her to the living room and made her sit. Coming back to her parents’ room, she asked the nurse what was happening. “There is a pulse but we need to get him to the hospital immediately. I have called the hospital and they have sent an ambulance. It should be here any minute. You won’t be allowed in the ambulance but we’ll leave at once.”

Kim went back to her room and put on her jeans and a T-shirt. She grabbed her handbag and mobile phone and called Dave. “Dave, it’s happening,” was all she said in a rather calm voice, as if devoid of any emotion.

“Will see you at the hospital,” Dave said and disconnected the phone.

A few minutes later, they were all at the hospital. Judith refused to sit and paced up and down the hallway till the doctor came out. Somehow, they knew what was coming. “It’s only a matter of hours. You can go in.”

Kim looked at Dave, and like always, he could read her mind. “Stay strong,” he whispered, looking straight into her eyes, and then kissed her forehead. Then Kim followed Judith into the room.

Richard was barely conscious. There was a flicker of some movement on his face and he managed to open his eyes. Kim held his hand and sat beside him on his bed while Judith lowered herself slowly on the small stool next to it. There was absolute silence in which Richard and Judith just kept on looking at each other. That was their thing, Kim knew. They could just look at each other and know what the other felt.

Eventually, Judith looked at her and took Richard’s hand from hers. She leaned toward Richard and whispered, “We'll be fine.” She kissed him softly.

And then they waited.

***

After a little over an hour, Kim and Judith came out of the room. Judith was a mess, barely able to stand. Dave rushed towards them and tried to help them. Once he managed to get Judith down to sit, he got moving. The nurses were already working to move Richard's body and he proceeded to do the paperwork. He made a few calls at the same time, just as Bill, Cheryl and Beth walked in. They immediately went to Kim and Judith.

“Kim, I am so sorry,” said Cheryl and hugged Kim. Then Beth did the same. But Kim just went through the motions without showing any emotions. She looked distant as if she were physically detached. For a moment, she looked at Dave, but then again moved her gaze away, and resumed staring at nothing in particular. The lack of emotions began to worry everyone.

Everyone sat down with Judith and held her hands, but they couldn't get themselves to say anything. What do you say to a woman who has just lost her husband?

Dave saw the spectacle while still on call. He saw Bill walking up to him. He ended the call by saying, “Yes, I’ll wait for your confirmation,” and then turned to Bill. “You take the girls home,” he said quickly. “I am not sure if they’d want to eat anything but keep asking. Tell Cheryl and Beth to make sure that they get some fluids as often as possible.” He paused and looked at Kim and then back to Bill. “I have called Kim's uncle in Canada, the one in Thompson and he will inform the relatives and take care of the funeral details. They will be confirming their flight details in a few hours. We’ll need to put them up in hotels.”

Dave went on giving Bill the details of how, what, and when things were to be done. Fifteen minutes later, he came down to the parking lot and saw the girls were helping Judith get into the car. He called out to Kim.

“Kim!” he said softly when he came up to her, and held her at arm’s length by her shoulders. That was what Kim needed. His concerned touch opened the floodgates in an instant, as she broke down and fell to her knees.

Looking at this, Bill and Cheryl came running to her. “Beth, help me get her into my car,” said Dave, and as he helped her up and opened the door to sit her down. “You guys go ahead with Judith. Kim and I will follow.”

They all got into the cars and started towards Kim’s house which was about 15 minutes from the hospital. When they got onto the highway, Kim started to get a grip on herself and control her tears. She whispered under the sobs, “We knew it was coming. I had prepared myself for this. Then why is it so hard?” she was looking down at her phone, fidgeting with it. Dave looked at her and held her hands.

“He needed to go, Kim; he had suffered far too long.” said Dave as he pulled the car to the side and halted but kept the engine running as if the silence would have been too much to bear. Then he turned towards Kim, cupped her face in his hands, and that action forced her to look up at him, straight into his eyes. “We’ll get past this, Kim,” he told her. “We’ll get through this together. But for now, you have to be the one to support your mom and Sam. You have to help them cope with this. You have to be strong for them. One more time, you have to be strong for them.”

Then, he unbuckled the seatbelt and pulled her closer to him, hugging her tightly. Kim let out a sigh and pulled herself together, wiping her tears with the back of her sleeves. Dave put the car in drive and sped off. He caught up with Bill just as they reached the parking lot of their house. “Call Sam and arrange for her to come back home,” he instructed him.