Perfect Imperfections (8 page)

CHAPTER 14

Kim spent the next few weeks in her worn-out flannel pants sitting at home. She preferred to have her meals in her room and made very little conversation when she was forced to sit in the company of Judith and Sam. She made no effort to get back from her trancelike state. She spent a great deal of her time staring at the wall and sitting at the edge of her bed, motionless for hours. She wouldn’t even surf the net or watch TV. This phase lasted for a good two weeks before she started feeling the numbness in her mind.

“I thought she was getting over the whole thing when she started going out. What happened, did she tell you anything?” Judith asked Sam one day.

“No, Ma, you know she hasn’t spoken to anyone about Dave or what happened with him. The only person she was talking to was Jake, and he tells me she’s not been over to his gallery in weeks.”

“Sam, I am worried for her now.”

The phase soon changed to one where Kim would play her life back and forth in her mind, over and over again, as if she were looking for something. She forced herself to remember the minute details of the night at the hospital, the night Richard died. She could perceive the peculiar hospital smell. She remembered the conversations she had with the doctor. She remembered going into the room and sitting by her Dad’s side and looking at his ghostlike pale face, and the lines on it. She remembered how looking at his face made her realize that would be the last time she would be with him. It had taken her back to the many mornings that he had spent with her, helping her finish a homework at the last minute. She remembered the many afternoons that she had come home with him and he had had lunch with her, the many evenings they had spent at malls and restaurants and the many nights that she had woken him up after a bad dream and he had sat with her till she would fall asleep. And there she was, watching him fall asleep one last time. She remembered Judith taking Richard’s hands from her and holding them. It had taken Richard a lot of effort to open his eyes and when he saw Judith's face close to his, a feeble smile cracked the stony face. They had looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. She realized that she was seeing their parents together for one last time.

How must her mother have felt? The thought had crossed her mind. When Kim had lost Dave, she had felt an imbalance, but that was her own choice. And here, her mother had lost a life partner with whom she had built her entire life. What must she have felt? And, above all, Kim had forced Judith to deal with her own petty issues that were so inconsequential in front of her loss. A heavy feeling of guilt seeped in.

Judith had not cried that night as long as Richard had been conscious; maybe it was her way of telling him that she’d be strong. Kim remembered how that thought had made her feel so angry at Dad, about how he had asked too much of Judith all his life. He had asked her to be strong when he was well, and he was asking her to be strong now when he was leaving them in nobody’s care. She could feel her throat closing up. Memories of that day made her angry at Richard and that made her more and more upset that she felt this way for her father who had given her such lovely memories.

Aren’t you supposed to miss your dead father and not be angry at him for being dead?
— she thought as she wiped the tears and rubbed a towel over the large tear stain on her pillow. This was perhaps the first time she had allowed herself to remember that dreadful night, and yet the memories of that night were not complete. Kim tossed and turned with the feeling of guilt and sadness.

Then, another memory came to her mind. The smell of musk and leather filled her nostrils as she remembered sitting in Dave’s car, parked by the road. His hands were at the nape of her neck as she cried into her palms. She remembered how Dave had just taken charge of things that night, taken Judith’s phone and made all the calls to the relatives and friends letting them know that Richard was no more. She remembered that it was because she saw Dave was taking charge of everything she could let go.

Dave had made sure the funeral was beautifully organized. He had made sure the relatives who had flown in from Canada were put up in good hotels, and Judith felt comforted with her friends and sisters around. Dave looked into every detail to ensure they were all taken care of. He was there for them is every way possible and that thought formed a knot in her throat and squeezed her heart. She wanted to hide someplace where these memories could not find her. She wanted to run. Run away, were she could not feel anything. She wanted to stop herself but the night was too long.

***

The next morning, Kim got into her track pants and was out the door by 5:30 am. She wanted to get some fresh air. She wanted to go run, wishing if it had been really that simple to run away from her memories itself. Before leaving, she left a text for Judith and Sam.

Going for a run and will be back in about an hour and half.

She finished typing and slid the phone in her back pocket.
This would help avoid another altercation because I just took off,
she thought.

The run was, to Kim’s mind, a way of keeping the guilt at bay. But it didn’t. Instead, it forced her to face them more clearly. It helped her look at things between her and Dave more clearly as if she was a third person looking at their situation. And slowly, she was able to make more sense of her own reaction to the proposal night.

Dave had come into her life when she was still a kid and was thrown into a situation where she had to do the grownup things and financially take care of her family. Dave, a much older guy, had been there for her when she was not able to rely even on her own father. It was nice to feel wanted and cared for. She had not even realized when she was in a committed relationship with him. They had rarely spoken about it. Never actually. They had just fitted into each other’s lives and taken it as status quo. That’s how things were. Kim had not realized when she had started giving Dave the authority to take care of things in her life for her. She just knew that he did and she never stopped him. She felt relaxed when he did take care of things for her. Even liked it. It was a refreshing change to feel protection. But she didn’t see when she was molded into a person that Dave had desired.

She was asked to grow up, not just by her parents but by Dave too. He knowingly or unknowingly had expected Kim to catch up with him on an intellectual level. She had to cover the age gap of 13 years between them that Kim had not even realized they had.

There were indeed many things that Dave had done to take care of her and her family, and somewhere Kim had paid a price for it. She had given up herself in more than one way. The realization of it made her feel bitter towards herself. Who was she then outside of the relationship that she had with Dave?

What are my likes and dislikes?
Kim wondered to herself on one such morning run she was on. She stopped in her tracks and looked around her. The sky was slowly lighting up. The lavender was on the brink of taking a blue hue. She looked at the few people who were there in the park and watched them pass her by.
What kind of a person am I? —
she thought, looking at the passers-by hoping they would help her with an answer. She looked for the nearest bench and sat down gasping for air. She couldn’t tell whether her breathlessness was because of the run or the sudden realization that she had no clue who she really was. She sat there, panting and looking around.
Who am I? Who am I really?
The question agitated her when she couldn’t find an answer. She tried to take deep breaths, clam herself down, but it was not going to happen. She couldn’t calm herself and sitting there was not helping her near panic state so she started running and headed towards her car. She got in and sat there for almost an hour with her hands on the steering wheel, she stared into the almost empty parking lot for what seemed like an eternity. A faint ring broke the empty space gazing that Kim had kept herself engaged in and realized it was Judith’s call.

“Kim, are you alright?” Judith said, sounding as if she was having trouble calming herself as she spoke. “It’s past 7:30 am and you were not yet home, so thought I’d check on you. Is everything okay?”

“Hmm, yeah Mom, I’m in the car. Will be home in 10 minutes. You need me to pick up anything for you on the way?” Kim tried to sound casual.

“No, just come home.” Judith said before disconnecting the line.

Kim kept the phone on the seat next to her and continued staring for another few moments before revving up the engine.

Kim's latest realization had come out of nowhere, and it had left her feeling hollow and lost. An identity crisis was the last thing she needed to deal with at this point but wasn’t it exactly that? And, it had been the core of her struggle for a long time. She left she needed help and this time she wasn't ready to go seek it somewhere else. Jake may have given her the nudge she needed to sort herself out but Kim was determined to take charge of her problems and not look for an escape.

CHAPTER 15

On the weekend, Judith nagged Kim until she agreed to accompany her to go grocery shopping with her.

“I am not getting dressed, Maa. This is how I am coming.” Kim said and picked her car keys and walked out in her tracks, oversized T-shirt and flip-flops. Judith looked at Sam with annoyance as though to say ‘Kim is trying my patience’, but Sam merely nodded to let it go with a smile as Judith followed Kim.

In the grocery shop while Judith meticulously picked the things she had jotted down on her phone, Kim just wandered about like a kid who had been forced to come along with their parent because they couldn’t find anyone to mind them at home. For some time, Kim meandered about the aisles. When she realized Judith was not in sight she started looking about for her. But the food mall was too large for her to look for Judith, so she decided to wait for her at the checkout counter.

When she finally reached the checkout counter Judith was already there and busy talking to Jake.
What the hell was he doing here?
Kim felt annoyed that now she had to make small talk with him.

Then Kim saw him looking at her with a smile, scanning her from top to bottom. She got more annoyed and didn’t hesitate to show it.

Meanwhile, Jake leaned over and give Judith a side-hug. “I’ll see you all then, on Friday evening,” he said and turned towards Kim. “It’s nice seeing you.”

He paused giving Kim a once-over, and said with a wink, “Make a little effort for Friday, Kim,” And walked away leaving Kim brewing in her annoyance.

“What was he talking about, Maa?” Kim said with clear annoyance in her voice.

“Nothing much! He invited us to his place for a house-warming party. He has finally taken up a place.” Judith said this in a matter-of-fact voice, avoiding looking at Kim directly, as she began unloading her cart at the billing counter. She felt glad about having received this invite in Kim’s presence. It would make it all the more difficult for Kim to turn it down.

***

On Friday, when Judith and Sam came home, Kim was nowhere to be seen. Then they found she had left them a note. It said that she was out, and that they should carry on with their plans to go to Jake’s house. Judith was not very pleased with this and decided she won’t go either.

“Maa, you have to go. He invited you,” Sam said, a little annoyed herself. This was not going anywhere, and Kim’s attitude was getting on her nerves, and she didn’t feel like understanding her reasons anymore. Finally, they got ready and left.

The whole mood changed once they reached Jake’s house.

Once there, they were more than happy to have come. Jake made all his guests feel special and important that day. He was the perfect host. A few of Sam’s colleagues who had helped Jake with the exhibition were also there.

Cheryl, Bill and Beth were also at the party.

“Auntie Judith, how are you? It’s been a long time,” said Beth.

“Beth, dear, so nice to see you,” said Judith. “I didn’t know Jake had invited you three too.” She hugged Beth and extended her hands to hold Cheryl who came and stood behind Beth.

“I can see Sam over there with those people, but where is Kim?” Bill said, looking around to see if he could spot Kim anywhere.

“She didn’t want to come.” Judith said, and her annoyance was clear to them. “I don’t understand how much more time she needs to get out of this shell she has burrowed herself into.”

“She doesn’t answer our call. We were worried. I even called Sam to check if it was okay to come by, but she said it was best if Kim approached us on her own,” said Cheryl. Then she asked, “Is she all right?”

“Ha, she is fine, if by that you mean alive,” said Judith, taking the wine glass Bill offered. “She is just that — alive. About a month back, she seemed to have gotten over the whole thing. In fact, she was hanging out with Jake and his staff so often around the time of the inauguration of his gallery. But, all of a sudden, she was back to locking herself in her room for hours, not conversing with either me or Sam until it was absolutely necessary.” Then, she took a sip from the glass and asked, “Bill, how has Dave been?”

“To tell you the truth, the first few weeks he was a wreck. But he has gone back to his routine. And I know it may sound too early, but he has been seeing this woman, a client actually, for a few weeks.”

The news hit Judith hard, and if it was hard for Judith to take, what it could do to Kim was anybody’s guess.

“Well, of course, he is getting on with his life.” Judith tried to compose herself. “Especially after what Kim did to him.”

“No, I don’t think it’s anything serious yet, but it’s nice for him to see other people. With Kim he had shut himself up. It was just his work or her.”

“Maybe that’s what the problem was,” Cheryl added. “Don’t look at me as if I am drunk,” she said to Beth when she met her glaring eyes. “I am very serious, didn’t you have that altercation yourself?”

“Yes, but that was for another reason altogether.” Beth turned to Judith, “I am sure she is just taking time to make sense of things herself. We all know how Kim can get, and this is not a small incident. Such things can rattle and uproot the most sorted of persons and Kim is anything but that.”

At that moment, Jake’s voice startled them. “Hey, I don’t see any appetizers in your hands! Here, Bill, give me a hand with these.” He gestured to Bill to help him out with a few trays that were lined up on the table. Handing each of them a tissue he passed the tray around with some mini pig-in-the-blanket. “Everything has been prepared by the caterers, so you can eat without any worries of my horrible cooking.” He placed the trays back and picked two beers, one for himself and one for Bill, and joined the group. “Why so serious, everyone?” he asked the group. “Please we are not talking about Kim, are we?”

Jake had noticed the concern on Judith’s face as she talked about Kim even from across the room where he was with one of his high school buddies. In fact, that is what had made him walk up to them.

“I don’t know her, but I must say you all smother her,” he said. “Just let her be, Judith; she will come out of it stronger. If you all stop being overcautious around her and treat her normally like nothing had happened, I can guarantee she is going to be fine in no time. And now can we change the topic?” he took a sip of his beer, “I wonder who that could be?” he said at the sound of the door bell. Looking around, “everyone who were suppose to come are already here.”

Jake opened the door and there stood Kim, looking so fresh.  She wore a pale pink dress that made her honey skin glow, her hair was tied in a plait, lying lazily on her right shoulder. She had no makeup on which to Jake was a refreshing change as he felt that the girls nowadays believed they were all in some kind of Kardashian reality show and needed constant makeup on their face, just in case the paparazzi came flashing their cameras at them.

The last time Jake and Kim spoke was in his office. He had not meant to be rude to her that night, but she needed to hear what everyone wanted but weren’t telling her. ‘It was time for her to get over herself.’ But it had not worked quite as he had hoped and she had never taken his calls again.

Today though she was here with these sad
kajal
-clad eyes, there was still something different about her... Jake couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt — in fact, he was a little surprised that he felt anything for her.

Kim cleared her throat and said, “Hi Jake.” The smile was evidently forced.

“Why do you do that?” Jake said without returning the smile. He gestured her to come in.

“What do you mean?” Kim looked cross. Again, a thought arose in her mind —
He is beginning to be a smart-aleck, why did I have to come? Grr!

She walked past him, angry at herself, for having come.

“Kim?” Judith exclaimed, surprised to see her and unnecessarily drawing the attention of people around her.

“Ah, Maa… yes, I thought I’d come,” she said with her tone heavy with regret.

“Good, go find your friends now and Sam is over there,” said Judith and she walked away to join some people across the room. Kim felt odd that her mother did not ask any questions. Nonetheless, she started scanning the room to see if she knew anyone here.

“Ah, there you are!” said Bill as he joined Kim and handed her a pint of beer. Cheryl and Beth followed him.

“Good to see you, Kim,” she said, hugging her tight. This was the first time Kim was seeing her friends after the proposal night. Kim felt a little odd to face them after the way she had run off. So, to break the awkward silence Bill started ranting about the trip they had made to the marina and the crazy boys’ night they all had had and how Jake had been the surprise package who had arranged everything there.

As Bill spoke about the endless things that he wanted Kim to catch up with, she looked distracted. She looked around, hoping not to see Dave, even though she knew him well enough to know that he would have never come here. She herself was not sure who she was looking for. Her Mom was busy with some middle-aged guests, including Jake’s parents.

Even though Kim had not known Jake’s family but the striking resemblance that he had to his father was obvious. She observed them for a while, and could hear Bill now talking about the all-nighters he had had with Cheryl, with Cheryl adding some brand names in between. Kim observed Jake for a while thinking to herself —
This guy has never known sadness, look at him and his perfect life.
She felt a little annoyed at herself that she thought this way and forced herself to concentrate on what her friends spoke. Little did she know that she was being observed too.