Perfecting the Odds (34 page)

Karis
smiled. “Thank you, Diane, but the kids and I should be getting out of your hair. We’ve intruded long enough.”

Diane wrinkled her
nose as she handed Karis a glass of red wine. “Intrusion? Please, Karis. No intrusion. You’re like family. Besides, they were at school most of the time.”

“I do appreciate it,
more than I can say.” Karis nodded toward both Jason and Diane and held up her glass, hoping to break the seriousness that muddled the air. “Cheers to no more drama in our lives.”

They both laughed and clinked glasses.
But once they sipped, an awkward silence fell again. Jason glanced at Karis. “So, Karis, how have you been?”

Out of the corner of her eye,
Karis saw Diane elbow Jason in the arm. “What he
means
is how is Eve settling in?”

Karis
took a long drag of the rich liquid confidence. “She’s doing well. She wouldn’t stay with me, but she agreed to have me run errands for her and come over once a day. And the nurse will visit twice a week. I figure on week days, I can run her errands after school then go over before dinner. It should work out pretty well.”

“Sounds like you have a good plan,
Karis,” Diane agreed, smiling before her face fell a bit. Karis incited her next comment and sighed heavily. “Please know that I had no idea Michael wasn’t up front with you about the cancer.”

Karis
’s stared at the counter, fingering tiny circles on a random granite pattern. “I don’t blame you, Diane. It was his responsibility to be honest with me. He’s a grown man.” Karis could feel the anger returning, a burning flush washed over the face and down her neck. Diane walked to stand beside Karis. She placed her hand on her arm.

“
You must be furious. I would be too. I don’t fully agree with why he wouldn’t tell you, but I suppose he had his reasons.”

Karis
’s head lurched up. “I know exactly why, Diane. You know as well as anyone,
he
--like most men in my life--is selfish. He knew lying about his cancer would be a deal breaker for me. He allowed his own wants, his own needs, trump mine. As simple as that.” Karis tipped back her glass and gulped down a sob with another swig of wine. “And then I went and fell in lo--. Never mind, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.” Karis placed her glass on the counter with a clink. “Thank you for the wine. I think we should go now.” Karis began to walk toward the living room to fetch Robby and Grace.

“
Karis, Michael’s miserable.” Jason’s voice halted her stride. “He’ll return to work Monday because I told him I’d be forced to add a written warning to his file.” Karis inhaled deeply, trying to cleanse herself of the words tugging at her heart more than she thought they should. She had been
so
angry, the only way to distance from her other emotions. It was only those sporadic crying jags that bubbled sadness to the surface, but she managed to convince herself those tears were mostly for Eve. Now, hearing about Michael’s current state dropped like a heavy lump in her stomach. Karis swallowed the bitter mass rising in her throat and turned to face Jason.

“He
should
be miserable, Jason. I know better than anyone it hurts like hell to lose someone you love.” He winced as if her insult literally pierced him.

“
Karis, I know he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. He was selfish and careless with your emotions. He should have been honest. But he’s also a man. I can understand where he’s coming from,” he said, glancing at Diane.

Diane remained silent,
intently watching them.

“
A man”--Karis snorted--“And where exactly do men come from, Jason? Asshole land? The island of liars and bastards? Is that where men come from?
Please
, for the love of everything good and right, enlighten me. Because we women”--She gestured toward Diane--“we come from a place called reality, where trust and honesty form the foundation of a relationship; where vows and promises are permanent and aren’t just thrown around to satisfy your own goddamn
urges
.” She was breathing rapidly now. It felt good to release some of the anger that sat simmering within her for over a week. She turned toward Diane. “I’m sorry again, Diane. I have no intention of starting a marital argument.” Turning back to Jason, she started to walk away but stopped. “And, Jason, I certainly will not hold your words against you. You’re a good friend. I’m sure Michael needs one right now.  I’m not suggesting he hasn’t the capacity to love. He’s told me his feelings for me. I understand that I’ve probably broken his heart. But one thing I
cannot
get over is that he broke mine.” She shook her head. “No. My heart wasn’t whole to begin with. Michael managed to break the half that I had given him. And I can’t afford any more injury. As pathetic as it sounds, I’m barely making it as it is.” By the time she’d finished, her words escaped as ragged whispers.

Jason and
Diane remained silent as Karis gathered her children and their belongings. With a curt thank you at their door, they were on their way home.

When had Michael been this miserable?
Fuck
, even cancer, the surgery, all the treatments, hadn’t hurt this bad. For days since Karis left him, he all but welcomed death, encouraged it before he finally fell asleep and cursed the world when he awoke, alive and tortured. He crawled his way through each day. Work? Fuck it. Eating? Un-fucking-necessary. The pain in his gut felt better without the threat of amplified nausea. He preferred to find solace in a bottle of vodka.

He was wrecked, no matter how fucking pathetic that sounded, he needed to feel
numb.

It was the knock at the door that roused him from his drunken stupor.
He had no idea what time it was or which day it was. Besides, there was only one person he wanted on his doorstep, and she sure as fuck wouldn’t be there.

“Michael! Open the
goddamn door,” Scott’s voice bellowed from outside his front door.

“Go away, McCann!
” Michael heard heavy footfalls before a large shadow towered over Michael’s prone frame on the couch.

“No way, you
clusterfuck. Get up.”

Michael
sobered a bit when he saw Scott right in front of him.
When the hell did I give Scott a key
? He slowly shifted to a seated position.

“Come with words of encourageme
nt, McCann? Because I’ve got the answers covered. It’s
not
going to get better. There
aren’t
any other fish in my sea. And it
is
the end of my world. So fuck off.”

“I know you love her, Michael, and
she loves you.” Michael blinked at Scott’s use of his first name. They had always called each other by their last names; it was what Marines did.
What was he trying to fucking pull here?

“Yeah, so what
? It’s over.”

“It doesn’t have to be.
Eve told me she’s as miserable as you. But you certainly aren’t going to improve anything if you drink yourself to death.”

“
Karis’s dealt with shit like this for a lifetime. I fucked up. She’ll get over me.”

“
Get over you? You’re a miserable fuck, aren’t you? Stop this self-deprecating bullshit, take a shower, and go to work. Jason called me and said you haven’t gone all week.”

“Shut
up, McCann. I’m going Monday. Leave me the fuck alone already.” He lowered himself into the couch, shielding his eyes with his arm.

Scott sighed.
“Is this how you’re going to act after every argument you two have?”

“I’m not a fucking pussy
, McCann. It wasn’t just an argument, and you know it. She left me. Now get out,” Michael yelled and regretted how his voice pounded against his skull.

“Finn, I was there for you at your worst
…when that goddamn disease drained you of everything. I’ll be goddamned if I let this bullshit beat you. Now get the fuck up.”

“Shut up
,” he muttered, now weak with brotherly affection. Even though becoming a Marine was Michael’s familial obligation, it was Scott’s wet dream. At eighteen, they joined the Corp fully intending to wield big ass guns and take out as many terrorists as they could. And he would never forget the day that changed both their lives.

Staring through his MK4 spotting scope, Michael confirmed: “Target 600 yards. wind 3 mph.”

Scott McCann gripped the trigger, staring through the Redfield accurange scope of his M40A1, silently confirmed the calculation from his spotter, and took one more steadied breath: “Ready…Ready?...Send it, Finn?...” Michael heard the muffled questions but couldn’t open his eyes. “Finn, confirm to send? Fuck, Finn, are you awake?” McCann pulled back from his scope and shoved Finn hard, jolting him out of his semi-sleep state. “Fuck! this is the second fuckin’ time you’ve fallen asleep during this mission. What the fuck is going on with you?”

What went down on that undisclosed rocky hill somewhere in Sudan formed an impenetrable friendship, clad locked with trust and loyalty. Michael shook his head to remove the memory.

“
I’ll leave you alone, but if you drink yourself to death, I’ll fucking kill you. I know people.” Michael snorted at his joke then heard his front door close. He took a swig from the bottle in his hand, but its now rancid flavor churned in his gut. He cringed and rose from the couch.

A
shower couldn’t hurt.

              On the Monday morning before Thanksgiving, Karis’s “normal” life had returned. For the first time in her life, she was happy for the Monday. She had barely made it through the weekend. Wearing a forced smile for her children nearly destroyed her, but she had to keep up the front. They deserved more than having to deal with an emotionally sick mother. Again.

She drove her children to their schools and made her way to
good ol’ Spring Grove High, expecting more work than she could handle. After taking off five days to care for Eve in the hospital, her desk would probably look similar to a nuclear disaster. The substitute probably ignored her plans, so she expected re-teaching and organizing to take at least a week. Unfortunately, this week included three days of state assessments until Thanksgiving break on Thursday.
Frickin’ awesome
, she thought. She would have to administer and proctor tests every day. And to make matters worse, this week was hell for single mothers. Her children could
not
get sick, and she prayed for zero drama. The state had little tolerance for a proctor substitution, aside from administration.
Yeah, like Winston would take over her classroom
. Karis had no choice. She had to be in school every day.

And it wasn’t like she had this coming weekend to return to work and organize sans
students. She had also agreed to proctor this month’s SAT test at the nearest high school.
What was I thinking?
But she knew exactly why she volunteered. Proctoring paid a decent stipend, one that she traditionally stashed to pay for Christmas gifts. If Eve’s tragedy hadn’t happened, this testing week would have been standard procedure for this time of year, a hiccup in her already hectic life. Now, it just seemed like an impossibly huge wall to scale, and Karis was more than sick of obstacles.

As she went through her mail on her desk, she saw one hand-addressed to her. She open
ed it, assuming it was from a student requesting a letter of recommendation. It was that time of year.

Instead, she found Michael’s beautifully slanted handwriting
gleaming at her.

Dearest Karis,

I’m not sure you will get this
letter, and I’m positive you’ll rip it up as soon as you read the salutation, but I have to try. I know you don’t want to read some corny bullshit about how I’m a fool and will do anything to get you back, but...I’m a fool and will do anything to get you back. (I was hoping for at least a smile on that one). I can’t take back the lie or the pain I’ve caused you. All I can do is attempt to show you how much I love you.

Sweetheart,
I’m not asking for forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it. But I’ve never loved anyone before. I knew what love was while I was in it, and it was goddamn mind-blowing, but losing it? Heaven help me, it feels like I’m dying a slow death. I suppose all pain must end, but the end seems to be infinite as it hurts worse now than it did the day you left.

I promised I wouldn’t
give up on you, and I plan to keep that promise. Who in his right mind would move on from the love of his life? That choice sounds crazier than trying to earn your heart again.

I miss you--
your voice, your smile, your pouty face, your eye-rolling, your compassion, your kindness, your determination, and everything else that makes you—you.

I love you
, Karis—forever and always,