Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) (12 page)

“Have I ever told you what an amazing friend you are?” I ask Steph smiling at her.

“Not as often as you should,” she smirks back, and I laugh for what feels like the first time in years.

“This hurts so much, Steph. I feel like part of me has died. My chest is tight
, and I can barely breathe. I just want this to be a nightmare that I can wake up from.”

“I know, sweetie,” Steph hugs me, “but unfortunately, it’s not. Maybe you should call him and tell him how you really feel. Tell him the truth.”

“No, I can’t call him. I need to move forward with my life. I need to fix my mistakes, but I don’t think there’s anything left to fix with him. You should’ve seen him last night. It was painful to watch him break apart in front of me, and even more painful to watch him leave with not as much as a glance back. I’m pretty sure he hates me.”

“I doubt he hates you. Yes, he’s hurt, but he doesn’t hate you. You’re right though; you need to work through your stuff first. And as for Chase, if you so much as text him again I swear I will kill you.” She threatens with a death stare. She will make good on that promise, too.

“I promise I won’t. That was a huge mistake, but I needed a fix of something after that. I couldn’t be alone. Now I just need to figure out where to begin letting go and forgiving.” 

“Only you know how to do that, but what about we get you cleaned up first. It’ll make you feel better to shower
, and we’ll go have a girl’s afternoon. Mani and pedi on me.” She says standing up and holding her arm out for me to grab and stand up.

“Sounds good. I’ll shower and we’ll go. God only knows how bad I must look.” I say grateful for her distraction and to spend some time pampering myself.

“Trust me, God isn’t the only one who knows. One look at you right now and it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what has got you messed up.”

“Thanks, Steph.” I say sarcastically.

“Just keeping it real. Now go get ready. I’ll let Toni know I’m out for the day.”

Chapter 11

Steph and I are enjoying our girl’s day pampering ourselves with manicures, pedicures, and some shopping. I feel so much better just being out and spending time with her. We stop for lunch at a food truck in downtown and sit on a bench to eat.

“We should try yoga one day.” Steph says between bites. “I’ve heard great things, and people always say how it helps sort through emotions.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. God knows I can use any help I can get.”

“Great! Some of the girls at work mentioned this new place that opened recently and gave great reviews. I’ll check their schedule
, and we can go this weekend.” She seems excited about this. I never realized she was interested in yoga. Steph, like myself, is more of a runner. Maybe slowing down and trying something different will be fun. We continue eating and then head home.

“Steph, thanks for being here today. I don’t think you know how grateful I am for your support. It means the world to me.” I hug her, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I’ve been an emotional mess lately.

“I’ll always be here for you. That’s what best friends are for. One day you’ll see that that was all Grayson wanted to do, too; support you in life.” I smile at her and nod, my heart clenching at hearing his name. She’s right though.

“Now go spend time with Kyle. At least one of us should have a hot night with a hot guy,” I laugh.

“Will do,” she says, winking as she leaves my apartment.

Finding myself home alone, I look around the apartment and wonder how I begin to live my life free of my past decisions and resentment. My thoughts go back to Grayson and what he really means to me. I regret letting him walk out of my house. I regret how I responded to him out of fear, but like Steph said earlier today, we are all responsible for our actions. I need to take responsibility for the way I reacted to him and for running to Chase. I also know that I can’t live my life in the shadows of other people’s lives.

I grab my car keys and drive. It’s been a while since I’ve visited my dad, and he always knows how to make things better. Same way I don’t talk to my mom, my dad has been my rock throughout my life. I spent years angry with him for his decisions, but because I wanted the best for him. I didn’t agree with him trying to save his relationship with my mom, but I guess love makes you do stupid things. I wanted him to be happy. When he hit rock bottom, I was there to help him pick up the pieces. He’s the only family I have, and I wouldn’t trade him for any other.

I pull up an hour later outside my childhood home. He never wanted to sell it and move. He always said the memories helped him stay strong and move forward in life. I didn’t get it, but I dropped it after some time. He’s been sober for almost seven years, so it must be true.

He’s sitting on a bench in the front porch when I park in the driveway. I quickly get out and hop up the steps. “Hey dad!” I greet him. “How are you?”

“Hey baby girl, I’m great. Enjoying a cup of coffee and this gorgeous weather.
We’re having a perfect summer.”

“Yeah, the weather’s been amazing. Mind if I join you for a bit?” I ask unsure if he is able to see that I am a mess.

“I know you didn’t drive all the way over here if you weren’t planning on sitting with me for a while. I’ll get you a cup of coffee.” When he returns with my coffee, he asks, “What brings you out here? You didn’t work today?”

“I took a personal day. Thought I’d come visit you. It’s been a few months since I’ve been able to come. Works been hectic with all the interviews and articles but in a good way.” I smile thinking about how much I love what I do.

My dad raises a questioning eyebrow and says, “You took a personal day? That’s not like you. What’s going on?” 

“Do you ever regret meeting mom?” I went straight in, no BS.

“Straight to the point like always,” my dad says smiling and shaking his head. “No I don’t. I know our relationship was far from perfect, and we weren’t the best parents to you, but I’ll never regret the time I spent with her nor having you. You’re my baby girl, and I’ll always love you, even when it may seem like I don’t.” I can see the sadness in his blue eyes as they mist over.

“I know you love me, dad. I never doubted it. You did the best you could on your own. You were also struggling with how she hurt you. I’ve been trying so hard to not end up like her that I’ve ended up doing the same as her.” I say as tears fill my eyes. This is harder than I thought. I take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. The last thing I want is to lose it in front of my father. He’d only worry.

“You shouldn’t live your life trying to not be someone. You should live your life being yourself. You’re an amazing woman, sweetheart. You’re so strong and independent, but you also love strong when you open your heart. Look at all you’ve accomplished in life. You go for what you want, and you achieve it. There’s no battle you’ll lose. You saved me from a life of alcoholism and wasting away. You’re a fighter, since the day you were born, stubborn as hell, too, but that doesn’t mean you need to be alone in the world.” My dad says. “She loves you, too, you know. In her own way, but she does. You may not remember, but there was a time your mom was a caring and loving woman. There’s a reason I fell in love with her and wanted to start a family with her, but she had it rough growing up. Her parents were abusive. Her dad is an alcoholic, and her mom was always too scared to stand up to him. She never really escaped it until she became an adult. Even then, the demons of her past followed her. I did my best to love her with everything I had to make up for the loss of love she had from her childhood, but that wasn’t what she needed. She made bad decisions, I’m not excusing what she did, but learn from her mistakes, don’t get wrapped up in them.”

I’m shocked by the information my dad just shared. I had no idea about my mom’s upbringing or anything about my grandparents. She always said they had died when she was younger, and maybe in a way they had. It doesn’t excuse the way she’s lived her life or the mistakes she’s made, but I guess I, of all people, knows what it’s like to live with the past haunting you.

“When did you become so wise,” I say joking. My dad has always been wise, but when he hit the bottle to overcome his depression, he became a totally different person. He seemed lifeless during those years. It’s nice to see him back to his true self. Seeing him like this makes me realize that we all can bounce back from hardships if we truly want to.

He laughs, “I’ve always been wise, especially when it comes to your happiness. Now tell me why you came here with all these questions. You met someone.” He states confidently.

“Yes, but I’ve also screwed things up so bad that I’ve lost him. I swore at a young age I wouldn’t make the same mistakes you and mom made, but I’m right there with you. No offense.”

“None taken, baby girl. I know we hurt you. Tell me what happened.”

I begin telling my dad all about Grayson, how we met, our friendship, and my fear of feeling more. “He’s an amazing guy, dad. He’s been a great friend, supportive, caring and patient. God knows I need someone patient. He also challenges me. He’s a bit of a smart ass, but in a good way.” I smile at the memory of Grayson showing up to my apartment with dessert, sneaking a date in. “He’s proven to be trustworthy and protective, but I let him go.”

“Anyone that makes you smile the way you just did is worth fighting for, baby girl.”

I give him a crooked grin, my lower lip caught between my teeth. He’s right. “Thanks for listening, dad. You always know how to put things in perspective. I had no idea mom had gone through that. I guess it makes sense in a way. I’ve still got a long way to go when it comes to her, though.”

“I know you do, but remember none of us are perfect. That doesn’t mean you should live your life avoiding making other people’s mistakes. Make your own mistakes, and grow from them. You can come to me anytime. I’ve missed seeing you lately. And remember to never stop fighting for what makes you happy. Once you’ve got him back bring him over. I’d love to meet the guy that has opened my daughter’s heart.”

I give my dad a huge hug, and he kisses my forehead. He always knows what to do and say to make things better. Seeing him so strong and optimistic after all he’s been through is an inspiration. He’s right; I need to live my life for me.

I drive away feeling happier. The sun is setting as I drive back home and watching the sun sink between the mountains gives me hope for a happy future. It’s a peaceful drive, and I’m enjoying the quiet time to myself.

I get home and am making something to eat when Steph texts me. She found out that there’s a yoga class tomorrow morning and wants to go. I agree to go with her, feeling content with making choices that are healthy for me. Any other night I’d be out at a bar, on my way down drunken street with some stranger feeling me up and down. As much as I enjoy getting felt up, I need to stop losing myself in men and alcohol. Besides, no one has ever really compared to Grayson since I met him.

Sadness overcomes me thinking about him, and I eat quickly so I can go to sleep and forget last night and today. Its been an emotional twenty four hours, and I want to clear my mind for a few hours. As optimistic as I am about living my life away from my past, knowing I may never again see or hear from Grayson adds to my heartbreak. You’d think once your heart was broken it would stop hurting, but the pain is just more intense.
 

I go to sleep hoping to get away from this pain in my chest for a little while and looking forward to trying something different tomorrow.

I wake up a few hours later sweating and my heart racing out of my body. It was just a dream, but it felt so real. Tears are streaming down my face. It is still dark out. I try to catch my breath and slow it down along with my heart beat.

I dreamt with Grayson. Cold gray eyes stared at me, emotionless, lifeless. His face was pale. I tried to reach out for him
to comfort him, bring life back to him, but I couldn’t hold him. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I was stuck in place. He just turned and walked away until he disappeared.

It felt so real, losing him like that without being able to help him. My mind, fully awake now, realizes it is real. He did leave
, and I did nothing to hold him back. I hold my pillow tightly; hugging it to my chest like if it would fill the hole I have there, and I sob.

I wake up earlier than usual. I haven’t slept much after that dream, or nightmare rather. I cried more than I ever have I think. I finally dosed off to sleep but woke up too many times throughout the night. I just wanted the sun to rise so I could get up.