Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) (15 page)

The plane lands and the sun is rising beautifully, hiding away the darkness and shining new light on a new day. I’m awake this time
, and I anxiously get to my feet. I feel nervous and am chewing my lip again. I don’t even know why I’m nervous. It’s not like I am the one who will have to bury my brother, or see my mother after so long, or deal with the emotions that come with both of those situations. Maybe I’m just nervous for Grayson. Maybe I’m just nervous that I won’t be strong enough to be here for him.
No!
I push those thoughts back because I am different. I am aware of what I want and whom I want. I am aware of my emotions, no longer running from them like I have so many times in the past.

“Calm down, Mia. They haven’t even opened the doors yet.” Grayson says trying to hide his own emotions, but I see them in his eyes.

“Sorry” is all I could say before sitting back down and letting out a deep breath.

“Ladies and gentleme
n, this is your captain speaking. We will open the doors in a few minutes. Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed your flight and hope to take you to your next destination soon. Enjoy your visit!” The airplane pilot says through the loud speaker.

“Super enjoyable,” I hear Grayson mumble under his breath sarcastically, barely audible, but I catch it.

We get off the plane with our bags in hand and make our way out of the airport. We rented a car in order to get to his brother’s house and use it throughout the next few days we’re here since his brother’s car was totaled in the accident.

The drive from the airport to the house isn’t long, but I feel tension building the closer we get. Grayson’s breathing quickens as we approach the street the house sits on, and I try my best to remain calm for him. I’ve been so focused on the car ride and growing tension that I didn’t take a moment to analyze my surrounding. Now that the car has stopped, I glance around and observe the beauty that lies around us. There are tall trees all around creating a barrier from the city, mountains in the background, blue and distant yet I feel like I can reach out and grab them, and the sky is clear and blue and humid. It’s early morning, but the heat and humidity are on full effect.

There’s a fence surrounding the house, but the gate is open. Someone must’ve known that we were coming and left it open for us to drive on in. The drive up to the house is long and paved with gravel. He pulls up to a one-story ranch style house. It’s absolutely stunning. I can see a barn off to the side and a corral with a horse running around wildly. It is the most amazing animal I have ever seen, dark brown with a white line coming down the center of his face, running wild looking for an escape, for his freedom. I know exactly how he feels. I’ve been there. Being held captive by walls and railings. I sympathize with this beast of an animal that looks so strong, yet confined and can’t find a way to free himself.

Grayson shuts off the engine and takes a few deep breaths before stepping out of the car. The ride over here has been quiet. As I step out, I hear other horses making a neigh sound from the barn. I wonder if they understand that their owner is no longer with them. They say animals are intuitive. I walk around to the back of the car and help Grayson take out our bags and let him lead me up the steps to the entrance of the house. He just stares at the door like if he almost expects Logan to open the door for us, or maybe he isn’t prepared to deal with the reality this will all bring.

“Are you ready?” He asks aloud, but I know that’s not directed to me, but to himself.

“You’re not alone,” is all I can muster to say because it’s true.

He finally grabs out his spare key and opens the door slowly stepping inside. I follow him, looking all around the house. I didn’t know his brother that well, but the inside of this house is exactly the kind of place I would expect him to live in.

We walk into a small foyer
, and then the house opens up to a living room with a leather couch and two smaller recliners adjacent to it. There’s a small table in front of the couch and a TV hanging on the wall. There’s a deer head hung over the TV. In the corner is a coat rack with a camouflage jacket and a rifle leaning against the wall. The roof has wood beams spreading across it, from wall to wall. The house has an open concept, and I see the kitchen from the living room. It’s gorgeous and big. The walls around the house have some artwork and posters hung on them, mostly about hunting and horses. The back wall is all windows and a glass door opening up to a beautiful yard with a view of the barn and corral. That wall kind of reminds me of Grayson’s apartment back in Portland.

“I’m going to put the bags in the spare bedrooms. There are two so you can have your privacy.” Grayson interrupts my observations. “I’m going to crash for a bit. Make yourself at home.” He says with a distant look in his eyes, and I know this is hard for him but I don’t want him to run from me.

“Okay,” I manage to get out wanting to say so many other things. “I’ll be out here.”

He turns and leaves me standing alone in the middle of his brother’s house unsure of what to do or think. I grab my laptop, sit on the couch and get to work. It’s the best distraction, but I am aware that it is a distraction. I also love my job. Not before long, though, I feel my eyes grow heavy and sleep overcomes me. The time change and stress have left me feeling like I haven’t slept in days, and I give into it. 

Chapter 14

I wake up a few hours later with the sun blaring in from the windows and heating me up. I am sweating against the leather couch. I stand up and stretch wondering if Grayson is still sleeping and how to help him through this part. Being in his brother’s house, going through his things. I walk through where the bedrooms are and peek inside the first one, but it’s Logan’s room and I know he won’t be there, not yet anyways. I peek at the other two and only see our bags on the floor but no trace of him. I check and the car is still parked outside. I’m starting to panic and walk outside to the back to get some fresh air.

I spot Grayson by the corral petting the horse that was once running wild. He’s soothing him. I stay a ways back watching him tame this ferocious animal like if it was a small puppy. He’s talking to him, I think. Then I watch him tentatively climb the panel and sit at the top of the fence, stroking the top and sides of the horse. He brings him closer to him and hugs the beastly animal to him; the horse allowing him to soothe and hold him. I’ve never witnessed anything like this. I can tell Grayson is crying by the shaking of his body, and I feel guilty watching him during such an intimate moment.

I turn to walk away, finding it difficult to tear my eyes from him, when he turns his head and sees me. He quickly lets go of the horse, wipes his face with his hands, and climbs back down. He walks towards me never breaking eye contact, his gaze intense. His eyes are a darker shade of blue-green with red rimmed around them. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. I was just making sure you were okay and couldn’t find you in the house. I came outside to get some fresh air and saw you there.” I say rambling a little nervous that I got caught watching him.

“It’s okay, Mia. Relax. I was just calming Gunner down, the horse. He was Logan’s
, and he’s been going crazy since we got here. I’m sure he’s noticed Logan hasn’t been around to see him.” He says calmly, taking deep breaths in between his words. “I was just going to feed them. I’m sure no one else has.”

“Can I help you?” I ask doubting he’ll say yes.

“You don’t have to. I can do this by myself. I won’t break.”

“I know you won’t. I just want to help.” Why am I suddenly nervous and at a loss of the confidence that always surrounds me.
He pulls that away from me. “Plus, I’ve never been on a ranch before. I want to see what it’s like to be a cowboy.” I say smiling.

Grayson shakes his head rolling his eyes, but I think he’s amused. “Come on, cow
girl
,” he emphasizes the last part of the word, correcting me, and leads me towards the barn. He gives Gunner one last stroke before walking past the corral.

He gets to work right away in the barn. I watch him work his way around the barn like if he belonged there, and maybe he does. Maybe this is what his life was like before he moved to Portland. I don’t know, though. “You’re a pro,” I say curious as to how much of this was his life before he moved.

“Yeah, Logan wasn’t the only one who knew how to work in a ranch.”

“So… Before you moved out west you used to work out here?”

“Yep. I’d come early before work and in the evening when I got out. I had to tend to my horse, too. Logan wouldn’t let me get away with not coming by. I think because secretly he thought if he didn’t force me to come I’d never come by. This house just reminds me too much of my dad and how he abandoned us. He always wanted to think the best of people, so he accepted my father’s form of apology by moving in here. He loved this lifestyle, though, so it was a no brainer to move in.”

I nod remembering that Grayson had mentioned his brother had kept the house his dad left them, but he wanted nothing to do with it. This is obviously that house. I was so caught up in his brother’s death I didn’t realize this would bring more memories than just the ones of his brother. 

“So what can I do? I’m not going to be a cowgirl by just standing here.” I try to lighten the mood.

“Put those shavings into this stall using the shovel next to the pile,” he says pointing to a small hill of wood shavings. The shovel is leaning against the wall next to it. I start to scoop the shovel and put the shavings on the floor in the stall he pointed out while he is moving hay around and laying it out on other stalls. He has moved the horses over to the empty stalls while we work. There are a total of four horses including Gunner outside
, and I wonder if they all belong to him.

“Which is your horse?” I ask trying to keep the conversation light but wanting there to be some contact between us.

He points down the barn to one of the horses, “The last one.”

“What’s his name?”

“Her name is Grace.” He says.

“That’s a pretty name.” I say it and sound so stupid.
Seriously? That’s your response?
I tell myself.

We continue working like this for a little while. Filling the stalls with shavings and hay. The three horses in the stalls are peeking out of their
stalls watching us curiously. I can’t help but want to reach out and touch one, but I don’t know if they’ll bite. Grayson must have caught me staring at them because he asks, “Do you want to pet one?”

I nod, unsure how the animal will react to me. They seem so powerful yet peaceful.

“Here,” he reaches for my hand gently and places it in front of Grace carefully. “Just leave your hand there and let her smell you, become familiar with you,” he says not taking his eyes off mine. After a few minutes, he places my hand in the center of Grace’s face and moves it slowly. Unlike Gunner, Grace is dark chocolate brown all around. I’m petting her slowly, but my eyes haven’t left Grayson’s.

Before I am aware of what I’m doing, I’ve closed the distance between us and kiss him. He backs away, surprised, and I feel my face burning red. “I- I’m sorry…” but before I know it, his lips are crashing into mine and we’re embracing each other, in a gentle yet passionate kiss. My hands instantly go to his hair. I tug and pull the lower strands softly and hear him let out a low moan as he tightens his hold on me bringing me closer to him. We kiss for what seems like forever, our tongues dancing perfectly together, our hands holding each other, and although it’s been a while since we’ve been this close, it feels like it was just yesterday that we were together.

We finally break apart, gasping for air, lips swollen, and Grayson is searching my face for some kind of answer. I see his expression sadden, like if I kissed him out of pity. I need him to know that I’m here for him. Forever. Or until he wants me. I’m not just here because I feel obligated or pity him.

“Grayson-” I begin, but he silences me holding his hand up. I stare at him, pain in his eyes, and I’m reminded of the last time he was at my house. The day he walked out of my life.

“You don’t need to say anything. I know it was just a kiss. Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything real to happen between us.” I feel like I’ve been slapped. Nothing real? Was anything we experienced together not real?

I stare at him, panic rising, and I get the urge to run. This is his way of rejecting me.
Maybe he has moved on and Steph was wrong. I’m about to turn away when that little voice inside my head, the one that has helped repair me, whispers to fight for what’s worth having.

“This is real!” I shout, surprising him and me. “What just happened is real, Grayson. I kissed you. And you kissed me back. Deal with it. I did it because I.. I care about
you, damnit. Because I never should’ve let you walk out of my house a few weeks ago. I never should’ve let you walk out of my life.” I’m looking around, wide-eyed, starting to panic a bit because I haven’t said this out loud and it makes it
so
real. I sit down on the floor but keep talking, “I know I’m a flight risk. I know I’m not worth taking a risk for, but you are. I don’t blame you if you hate me. If you don’t trust me. If you think I’m crazy. I needed to fix myself, my past, make peace with it. But watching you walk out of my life was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I thought I was broken before, but that was nothing compared to how broken I felt after I let you go. I made mistakes. I tried to cover it up by running, running to someone I never should have gone to and made the biggest mistake of my life by going to him, but I can’t change that. I can only learn from it and forgive myself because it was fucked up. And since that night I’ve done everything I can to make things better. To be a better person you would be proud to have by your side.” I can’t look at him. Tears cloud my eyes, and I refuse to let him see me cry. I stand up to make a run for the house, but he grabs my arm and pulls me to him.

He hugs me and whispers in my ear, “I am proud of
you. I don’t want anyone else, mistakes and all. None of us are perfect. You are my everything. Don’t you see that? When you let me walk out of your house my world turned upside down. I felt like I died. I actually think a part of me did. Losing you won’t leave a hole in me, it will burn my heart completely leaving it in ashes.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to burst out like that, especially after everything you’re dealing with right now. But I couldn’t let you think I didn’t care; that I kissed you just because. You wouldn’t even let me explain.” I say trying to make it seem better that I just bursted out on him when we’re here for his brother’s funeral. “I’m scared.” I admit shyly.

“I know. Me too. This is it, though. I’m not letting you go. No more running. Life isn’t a marathon so you can slow down. We talk things out from now on. This is new for me too, but we’re in it together. You’re mine, Sweet Pea.” I smile and kiss him softly.

“Let’s finish working. I know you have other things to take care of.”

“We’re pretty much done. Come on, let’s go eat something and I’ll make some calls.”

I follow him inside, my hand in his, and I feel this unknown peace overwhelm me, but in a good way.

I insist on prepping the food, but he says it helps keep him distracted. Grayson makes us sandwiches, and we eat in comfortable silence. I clear the table after we finish, and he goes to make some phone calls to finalize the plans with the funeral home and make sure everyone knows the time and place of the funeral. I smile at him, reassuring him he isn’t alone, and he’s off to deal with his brother’s death.

The next few days are going to be hard, but for the first time in my life I don’t feel like running from the challenges. The person I care the most about is by my side and needs me. I am here to help him through all of this. I want to be here for him. Life isn’t fair, but if you have someone who cares about you by your side, it’s easier to overcome the hardships.