Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) (13 page)

The yoga class isn’t until 10:30 am, so I put on a pair of shorts, tank top, and running shoes. I head out, running out of my apartment with no particular course in mind. I let my body guide me, turning left and right as it goes. I run fast and hard through the streets, skimming past the few pedestrians taking an early Saturday stroll.

When I can’t keep going anymore, I stop and begin to walk, catching my breath. I stop at an intersection waiting for the light to turn and a neon yellow flyer on the light post catches my attention. It’s an old flyer for Promenade. That does me in. I lose it. I sit on the ground and begin to cry. I can’t go anywhere without thinking about him. He’s everywhere. He’s permanently etched in my heart and soul. How do people move on from this kind of heartbreak?

“Are you okay ma’am?” An older man asks, startling me.

“Yes, thank you. Sorry. I’ll go.” I get up and begin to walk home.

“Don’t be sorry. Whoever he is is stupid for letting you go, though,” he says. Great, I must look like a fool crying in the street and so obvious as to the reason why also. I offer a tight smile and walk away.

I get home twenty minutes later exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I think about cancelling on Steph, but decide against it remembering she said it could help with my emotions and right now I need a freaking miracle. I shower and begin to change but stop. What the hell do people wear to yoga? Is there some kind of dress code, or can leggings and a top work. No sneakers, right?  What kind of workout doesn’t require sneakers? This is going to be interesting. I decide on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. I wear my sneakers anyways. It’s easier to walk in them. Plus, workout clothes with sandals just look weird.

I meet Steph outside the studio and we walk in together. “You okay today?” She asks. I nod unconvincingly.

“I went to visit my dad yesterday. It had been a while since I had seen him and could use his advice. He also gave me some insight on my mom I didn’t know about.”

“That’s good, Mia. I hope one day you realize you have an amazing life and decide to live it moving forward without looking back at the past every second. Hopefully sooner rather than later. This thing with Grayson is ridiculous. Just talk to him and tell him how you truly feel.”

“Steph, he made it very clear when he walked away. I don’t expect him to be waiting for my phone call. I’m sure he’s ready to move on to the next one who is willing to give him everything he wants. Let’s just not talk about him today.
Please. I’ve had a rough morning and don’t need to be reminded of it.”

“Okay, but you should know he hasn’t moved on to the next one. He’s pretty upset about this. I don’t think he’ll move on as quickly as you think.”

“How the hell-”

“Because he spoke to Kyle last night. He’s pretty beat up about this.” Steph interrupts me, answering my question.

“Oh,” is all I could say before setting up my mat.

The c
lass begins with some stretches and progressively gets more intense with some interesting poses. I am athletic and love running and working out, but this class is definitely more challenging than I had anticipated. I have to twist and turn my body in ways I never have, not even during sex. I struggle with some of them, not able to do a couple at all.

At the end, the instructor has us lie on our mats in corpse pose as he calls it and tells us to slow our breathing and relax our bodies. The pose name is ironic since I’m feeling dead inside, so I happily oblige. I find it hard to relax until he begins to speak. My mind is all over the place. I half hear what he’s saying about relaxing my muscles, clearing my mind, and then he says something that catches my attention.

When facing a challenge, or something that didn’t turn out the way you wanted, ask yourself ‘what new desire does this bring forth?’ Focus on that new desire instead of feeling sorry for yourself. You control your reaction to experiences and how they will affect you, positively or negatively? The choice is ultimately yours. How will you live your life?

Damn, he spoke straight to me. I got a little spooked out listening to him. I see what they mean about working through emotions. If every class has something like this, I am going to be reflecting a whole awful lot.

I really enjoyed the class, though. It was different than what I had expected. Steph seemed to have enjoyed it, too.

“What did you think?” Steph asks excitedly.

“It was fun, definitely harder than I thought. I liked it.”

“Good. Let’s come back again this week!” Her voice is loud, and she’s speaking animatedly.

“Sure. Let me know when, and I’ll be here. It beats being home alone.” I say already dreading having to go to my apartment and think about how my life has gone so wrong.

“Let’s grab some lunch, Mia.” Steph says shaking her head at my depressive tone.

Chapter 12

The rest of the weekend passes by uneventfully. Steph invited me to go out Saturday night with her and Kyle, but I wasn’t up for it and didn’t want to risk running into Grayson or making any poor decisions.

I get to work and turn on my computer to check my e-mails. After missing work on Friday, I’m sure I’ll have some e-mails to get back to this morning. I am half way through my e-mails when Toni walks into my office.

“Hi Mia, how are you feeling? You look good today.”

“I’m much better, Toni. Thanks. I am so sorry about Friday. I never take a sick day, I was just totally out of it.” I explain.

“It’s okay. We’re all entitled to a day off. I need you well and healthy in order to write your best, which reminds me, I have your next assignment. It’s a short one. You can have a break from the hectic few weeks that just passed with Nika’s cover and all.”

“Perfect. Thanks. What do you want me to write?” I ask, curious and eager to begin working on something.

“I want to include an article titled
5 Signs To Know He’s the One
.” I just stare at Toni in disbelief. Seriously?! This is what she wants
me
to write about. Hi-fucking-larious! Karma is having a joy ride with me.

“Is that a problem?” Toni asks taking in my expression and lack of speech.

“Absolutely not,” I say plastering my best smile on my face.

“Perfect. I can’t wait to read it.” She says as she leaves me alone in my office.

Neither can I,
I think to myself.
5 Signs To Know He’s the One
. What do I know about this? A better article would be
5 Ways To Scare Away the One.
I better start researching and interviewing people “in love.” I get to work on it, seeking my inner goddess for some kind of insight into the world of love.

At noon
, Steph peeks into my office to go grab lunch. She can’t help but laugh when I tell her what Toni has assigned. “Maybe it’ll be good for you to write about this,” she says trying to hold in her laughter.

“Oh yeah, daily reminder of Grayson.” I can’t help but grimace.

“Just go with it, Mia. Don’t over think, just write. This is your career. You’ve always been able to separate your personal life and your career.” She’s right of course.

Back at the office I begin to brainstorm reasons why you would want to commit to someone forever. I write down a list and begin to work on it thinking about conversations I’ve had with friends and acquaintances in relation to this topic. Things that made them realize they were in love or ready to settle down with someone.

Surprisingly the ideas are rolling off my mind, but I am exhausted by the end of the day and leave work to escape the memories that have surrounded me all day writing this article. Unfortunately, I have thought more about Grayson than I wanted as the ideas of commitment that would come to mind made me realize that I feel those things towards him.

I head to yoga that evening with Steph. I have found that it has been really helpful in relaxing and accepting my life and myself as I am. Just after that first class I was able to reflect and think back at my past actions and why I lived in that way. I’m hooked.

It’s true what they say. You get a great workout while working on your inner self. At the end of class, during the relaxation, the instructor goes on to speak. It hits close to home again and is exactly what I need during this time.

Forgiveness is essential in creating happiness in our lives and living more positively. When we let go of what no longer serves us like anger, judgment, shame and resentment, we open ourselves to so many possibilities. Practice forgiveness daily.

The next couple of weeks have flown by. I have had some good days, and some bad ones. I have continued to go to yoga in the evenings and learn more about myself through those classes. I’ve been focusing on work and getting my life on track. You’d think at 25 my life would be on track.

It’s Friday, and Steph insists I go out with her for some drinks before going home. She
promises we’ll go somewhere low key and just hang out. I finally agree, and we head out to a bar near the office.

We’re sitting in comfortable silence, having our drinks and people watching. This does beat going home and wallowing in my thoughts.

“Have you thought about talking to Grayson?” Steph asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Steph. Please, drop it.” I plead.

“I’m not going to push you, but I do think you should know that he misses you. Kyle and him have been hanging out, and Kyle says he looks like shit.”

“I can’t call him, Steph. I pushed him away; he’s not going to want to hear from me. I’m not even sure I can give him the kind of relationship he wants.”

“Cut the bullshit. You’re more than capable of loving him. Relationships aren’t easy, but when it’s the right person, they’re worth fighting for.”

“Yeah.” I nod, acknowledging what she said. “I’ll be right back. Gotta go to the bathroom.” I need to catch my breath and think about what she’s said. It is the same thing my dad told me. Grayson misses me? I imagine he’s struggling, but I don’t know if he’d actually want to give us a try after pushing him away how I have. How could he trust me again?

I walk back towards our table and suddenly hear, “I thought you disappeared. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you and get you naked again.”
Fuck! Chase.

“What do you want, Chase?” I ask annoyed.

“You know what I want. Let’s get out of here, and I’ll show you.” He is so cocky. He looks me up and down.

“Chase, I already told you no. I’m done with this. Let me go.”

“Mia, come on. You know you’ll never be done with me. We both know we deserve each other. We’re great at fucking. That’s what we do. The other night was pretty great.”

“No!” I scowl at him, angry. “Fucking is what
you
do. Remember? Having no mercy for my emotions or respect for me. You’re right. At one point I would’ve agreed with you. At one point I would’ve done anything and everything for you, until you cheated on me with
her,
so go fuck yourself, or better yet, call her and fuck her. She was my best friend. We don’t deserve each other. I deserve better, so much better. And by the way, the other night was so
not
great.”

He snorts, “Like who? That cowboy you’ve been fucking.”

“Fuck you, Chase.” Although Grayson left me, I would never divulge that information to Chase.

“Gladly.”

I roll my eyes. “You will never change. Leave him out of this! This is nothing to do with him; it has to do with you and me and how we. are. over.” I emphasize each word in case it hasn’t been clear in the recent texts. “We’ve been over for a long time. I don’t understand why you have to come to Portland and invade my space, my life.

“I haven’t had feelings for you in a long time. Before meeting Grayson, before you came to Portland. I was holding on to you for convenience because you were what I knew
, and it was easy. I don’t want easy. I don’t want your bullshit. You fucked up when you cheated, and honestly, cheater or not, you never would have changed, you never will. You would have fucked up one way or another. You’re selfish. I couldn’t forgive you so I was angry for so many years. I was angry with you and myself for thinking I was not good enough for you. Thinking I was not enough for you. In retrospect, Chase, you are not enough for me. You never fulfilled me the way I wanted. I did not just want sex; I wanted to be more to you. I wanted you to trust me, to love me. Truth be told though, I don’t think I loved you either. I think I was addicted, my drug, my poison, slowly killing me.

“You’re not the one for me, and that’s something I learned after many years of being angry. I realized that when I looked into my future, you were not a part of it. You were here in my past and in my present, but not in my future. When I finally accepted that, I realized I had let go of my hold on you, and in turn let go the hold you had on me. I felt free. I could breathe clearly. I don’t need your drug. Somehow I forgave you, and myself.

“I’ve risen above the bullshit and bloomed beautifully, finding my peace, just like a lotus rising from murky water and opening its petals. I’ve learned to rise above the mud in my life, growing strong, free of hatred and resentment, full of new love, especially for myself. So you see, I am done. You are not my future, and I don’t know if Grayson is or not, quite honestly that thought scares the hell out of me, but I know that I am free to discover that without holding onto the ‘what if’ about us because I know deep down, there is no us.” I let go a long sigh of relief. Wow, I have been holding that in. I feel like I’m rambling, but it needed to come out. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Those yoga relaxations are really getting to me.

I realized these feelings a long time ago, but I never spoke them, nor have they ever felt so true.
It’s like suddenly it all clicked as I was speaking these words, undoing the ties restraining me and freeing me. Whether Grayson has something to do with these feelings or not, I don’t know, but I am happy I have them.

Chase just stares at me, dumbstruck. Well, I think that left something for him to think about. I turn around and walk away with my head held high.

I finally feel whole. True to myself, like I have discovered whom I really am without barriers to hide myself from others and myself. I am my own person, with my own choices. If I continued down this road, I’d end up worse than my mom, completely alone and never knowing what love is. She at least had a few years with a whole family. I have a chance to follow my heart. To make things right, and break from the path that has been paved for me by my overbearing mind.

The answer to forgiveness was in front of me all along. When your heart opens and you allow it the opportunity to feel love you’ve denied yourself for so long, all the challenges that were within you disappear. You’ve accepted your emotions. That’s what Grayson taught me. I was just too stupid to see it.

I head back to Steph, smiling. “You look happy.” She eyes me suspiciously probably wondering what happened between the bathroom and my walk back here.

“I am. Just ran into Chase and I let him have it. I’m done letting him manipulate me even when he’s not near me. My dad was right the other day, Grayson is worth fighting for. I know, you’ve told me the same thing. I just have to do one more thing. You mind if we go?”

“Sure,” she replies with a skeptical look.