Perilous Pleasures (12 page)

"No! I don't want to love you, Stefan, and the only way I can keep from loving you is to stay away from you." She pulled out of his hold. "Now, please go. When we get to Baton Rouge in the morning I have to meet Gene and Otto early for practice and I don't want a repeat of the Vicksburg performance."

"I'll go," Stefan said, "but this isn't the end. I'm not easily deterred when I want something, and I want you. It's as simple as that." He opened the door and left.

***

Joanna had no idea how long she'd been lying awake, but she suspected it had been several hours since Stefan had turned from her and left. She could not remember a time when her world had been in such turmoil. How long could she stay away from him? She wanted desperately to feel his arms around her, but loving him held a danger all its own. Weary from emotional turmoil, she turned on the light and reached for
Pride and Prejudice
, hoping that reading would make her drowsy. But as she turned the pages, she found her mind returning to Stefan, where it remained until a rapid knocking brought her head around.

She looked at the door, but said nothing.

"Honey, I need to talk to you," Stefan's voice rose over the sound of thrashing paddles. Her eyes remained on the door, but she made no move toward it.

Stefan knocked again. "Joanna, I know you're awake. I see light over the transom."

Yielding to her own vulnerability, she set her book aside and opened the door. Stefan stood in his drawers, shirtless, feet bare. From the weary look on his face and the tousled hair that fell across his forehead she suspected he too had been unable to sleep. The intensity of his gaze made her pulse race, the effect breaking her resolve to keep her distance from him. "It's very late," she said. "Can it not wait until tomorrow?"

"No, we need to talk tonight."

"Well, I suppose you can come in, for a few minutes," Joanna said.

Stefan stepped into the room and closed the door. He rested his hands on her shoulders. "Honey, I know we can work things out," he said. "Just give us a chance. I know the dangers I face are new to you, but in time it will seem routine. The incidents with Shani and Rafat, and the cat fight in Vicksburg, were unusual. Just don't turn away from me now. Give me a chance. Give us a chance."

Joanna looked at him, consumed by the charisma of his gaze, shaken by his nearness and the feel of his hands her shoulders. "Give us a chance for what? For me to see you mauled by your animals? The only thing that would..." She stopped short, knowing it was pointless to tell him that the only thing that would make a difference would be for him to get rid of his cats. She could not ask that of him. He would do it for her, and he would later resent her for it.

"This is a dangerous way of life," he said, "but we can't stop loving because of it." He peered into her eyes. "I am in love with you, Joanna, and I think you love me too, or you would not have this fear of me being in the cage with my cats."

"Please don't talk this way," Joanna said, her voice quavering. She knew Stefan could love deeply and passionately, that he could make her life whole. But she didn't want to know these things. She didn't want to love him... or lose him.

He curved his finger under her chin and lifted her face, forcing her to look at him. "Just give me a chance to teach you about the cats."

"Teach me what? What is there to teach? They're wild animals that you coerce into doing tricks for you. But no matter how much you work with them, and get them to sit in a row, or crouch at your feet, or roll over on command, they are never really tame. And they are always potentially deadly. What happened in Vicksburg is a good example."

"And I got them under control and performing for me," he said. "But what happened that night rarely happens."

"But it
did
happen," Joanna stated, "and you were expecting it."

"And I broke it up," he countered. "In spite of what you saw, the cats are predictable. They quit the fight and took their seats."

"But they could have all turned on you instead!"

"I was ready for that with ammonia water. I also had pedestals and a whip. The cats are intimidated by them all. And, if necessary, Tony would have fired shots." He bent and kissed her gently on the lips. "Sweetheart, believe me, you won't see it happen again. I want to be with you tonight. I want to hold you in my arms and love you and take all that pent up anxiety and worry from you. And I want you to fall asleep with your head on my shoulder, and my arms around you, and your hand over my heart."

Joanna saw the longing in his eyes. She placed her hands on his chest and felt the beat of his heart against her palm. "It's what I want too, Stefan. I need you so badly—" He stifled her words with a kiss, his lips hungrily possessing hers. When she could finally catch her breath, she pressed her hands against his chest and broke the kiss. "You didn't let me finish what I was trying to say. I need you badly,
but
I can't let you love me, not in the physical way. You are clearly capable of fathering a child, and I will not raise a child while moving from show to show. But more important, I will not raise a fatherless child, and with you, the threat would be there every day of my life, and our child's."

"Honey, if you were to have a child from our union, I would quit the show, sell the cats, and find work somewhere. You would not raise a fatherless child."

"I couldn't let you do that. If you sold your cats and took an ordinary job in order to provide for me and our child, you would soon resent me. And I'd know that every day you went to that ordinary job, you'd be trapped into doing something you hated. If you ever give up your cats, it will have to be because you want to, not because you're trapped into doing it."

"Then let my hold you flesh to flesh. We can pleasure each other in ways that would not create a child." Stefan moved to sit on the bed and pulled Joanna down beside him. "I know you think that everything is happening too fast, but I also know it's right. I feel like we've known each other before... loved each other before." He smiled at the dubious look in her eyes, and added, "Gypsies are hopeless romantics."

Joanna slid her hands up Stefan's chest. "The strange thing is, I understand what you're saying. I feel it too." She ran her palm over the scars on his shoulder. "You have a beautiful body," she said, moving her hand down to trail a finger along the scar crossing his ribs, "but you're so cruel to it."

"Those are old scars," he said, "I'm much more cat-wise now."

She lightly stroked the scar low on his belly. "When Rafat did this to you," she said, moving her finger back and forth over the scar, "it must have been very painful. From what I saw it looked like you had many stitches."

He smiled. "It wasn't one of my better days.

"Did you wonder if you would be able father a child?"

"That was never an issue," he said. "In fact, my ability to father a child created problems when the doctor was trying to stitch me up. Though I don't know why. The nurse assisting the doctor had a face that could stop a clock. But fathering a child was also not an issue at the time because my wife had already left me."

Joanna nudged his drawers down, and with her finger, traced the path of the scar, stopping where it ended. "This may come as a surprise to you," she said, "but I would rather have you stripped of your masculinity, knowing you would never enter the cage with your cats again, than intact, with the threat of your going into the cage always there." She rested her hand on his belly. "Can you possibly understand that?"

"No." He took her palm and kissed it. "And I would rather be dead, than be a half a man." He unfastened the ties on her night cap. "But I'm not half a man, and right now the scar tissue down there is being stretched to the limit." He slipped the cap from her head, allowing her hair to tumble about her shoulders. Tangling his fingers into her silky tresses, he pulled her head back, lifting her mouth to meet his. As their lips came together, he released the silk ribbons on her gown and pushed it from her shoulders.

"You have no idea how I've waited for this moment," he said planting kisses where the gown parted. He slipped the gown over her head. When she was naked and laying on the bed, he brushed her hair aside so he could see her breasts. "Did you know that the gypsy woman bares her breasts for all to see, but only her husband can touch them. The Rom don't believe it's shameful for a woman to show herself in this way."

Joanna saw appreciation in Stefan's eyes. "What do you believe? Would you mind if your wife went around... like this?"

"As my wife, I'd be proud for every man to see how beautiful you were," he said, then pleasured her with his lips in ways she had only dreamed. When she was certain she could stand it no longer, Stefan moved up to kiss her on the lips, then looked into her eyes and said, "As beautiful as you are, if you were gypsy, you'd command a high bride price. I'd guess as much as a thousand dollars."

"Gypsies are still doing that?" Joanna said, wide-eyed.

Stefan laughed at her surprise. "Many do. Part of the bride price goes for the wedding and gifts, part for the feast. It's a big social occasion, sometimes lasting days."

Joanna was fascinated by this strange world into which she'd wandered. But she was more intrigued by the tingles rippling from the feel of Stefan's palm roaming leisurely over her body, his fingers doing wondrous things. So new. So intimate. So forbidden.

Stefan kissed her lightly, then stood to slip off his drawers. Her eyes wandered down the corded veins of his muscular arms and large hands, her heart racing, her loins aching with the unmistakable urging of her body as Stefan stood before her, eyes shining with anticipation. She stared at his muscular body. His hips were narrower than she'd expected, his thighs more powerful, his male part larger than even that brief glimpse she'd had. The burning low and deep inside her grew, until it became exquisite torture.

Her lips parted, her nostrils flared with her short rapid breaths, and her gaze boldly fixed where Stefan wanted it. His heart hammered. Perspiration beaded on his forehead. She was passionately aroused and wasn't trying to hide it from him. Stretching beside her, he pulled her on top of him and tangled his hands in her hair as he pressed his lips to hers. Shivers radiated from the juncture of his thighs, and sharp pangs shot through his loins.

Holding her in his arms, he heard the heavy thudding of his own heart and felt the urgency of his need, a molten probe moving against her thighs. He'd never wanted a woman as much as he wanted her. Nor had he ever had such a strong desire to give the greatest sensual pleasure he could give, solely for another's satisfaction. For
her
satisfaction. There was a lifetime before them for her to satisfy him. But this night was hers. Everything he would do would be for her pleasure and satisfaction.

He rolled her off him and onto her back. As he caressed with his hands and teased with his tongue, her soft sighs stirred him and delighted him. His palm followed the curves of her body, his fingers gently exploring forbidden places. Her body responded like quicksilver. Her lips moved in breathless pleas. The ache inside him was so intense, he wanted to claim her at once. Instead, he kissed the hollow of her neck, the swell of her breasts, then pressed his mouth to hers, until their breaths merged and became one.

Joanna writhed against him, moaning her pleasure, until she was forced to snatch her breath from his. He was giving of himself so unselfishly she felt that her satisfaction was all Stefan was demanding. But it wasn't enough. She wanted to give him pleasure too. She wanted to give him everything she could, and she wanted all that he was offering. And she wanted him now. Tugging on his arm, she pulled him over her. His arms braced on either side of her, he said in a raspy voice, "Are you sure?"

She looked into his eyes and said with certainty, "Very sure."

His movement was slow at first, tentative. Then she let out a little sigh, followed by a long, low moan of satisfaction as he slowly joined his body with hers. And as she felt the pulsating rhythm of his life-force spilling into her, she dug her fingers into the muscles of his back and clung to him, matching the rhythm of his body with hers until she was aware of nothing but wave upon wave of erotic sensation spiraling through her.

After a while, Stefan rolled onto his side and cradled her against him. His breath caressed her ear, as he whispered, "I didn't intend to do that. Will you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive," she said, "because it was what I wanted. And thank you. Everything you told me about it is true. I do feel like some enormous tension has been released. But everything I said is also true. It was only a temporary diversion. And it will not only be impractical, but it will be very embarrassing for me to expect you to make love to me every time I am tense about you going into the big cage. But I do want it to happen again. Your lovemaking is beyond divine." Her face sobered. "But I'm afraid."

He stroked her cheek and gazed into her eyes. "Of what?"

"Loving you." She snuggled against him. "I don't know whether I can live with this fear. As long as I'm with you it will be there. Away from you... well, in my heart there would always be a certain amount of anxiety, but it would not be a part of my everyday life. But after tonight, I will always be restless for the selfless love you gave me. And I know there will never be a man who could possibly take your place. But then, I'd rather die alone, with you in my heart, than with someone I could never love. Does that make sense?"

He tightened his arms around her, holding her flesh to flesh, but it was different than it was during the height of their passion. "Don't leave me, Joanna," he said. "Love me and trust me and stay with me. But don't leave me." When she said noting, he pushed the hair from her face and said, "I've worked with cats since I was a child and I'm still here."

"I think we've come full circle now," Joanna said. She moved out of the circle of his arms and shoved him back flat against the bed. Sitting beside him, she pointed to the scar on his ribs. "How did you get this one?"