Phenomenal X (17 page)

She narrows her blue eyes at me. “What’d you say to me?”

I lift my chin. “I said no.”

Without warning she draws back to smack me in the face, but like she said, I’m strong, and I snatch a hold of her wrist before she can make contact. “You little fucker. I hate you! No one will ever love you. EVER! You’re a selfish little bastard.”

I know this is the addiction talking. The books I’ve gotten from the library taught me that much. She wasn’t always like this. There have been some good times too, and those are the memories I try to hang on to. Thoughts of the woman I hope she’ll be again one day, when she kicks this habit.

“No, Mama! I want you to stop!”

“Leave then, just like your father did. Leave me here all alone.” She sobs as she comes undone, and my heart crushes. “No one ever wants to stay with me. I’ve made you hate me too.”

I wrap my arms around her, instantly sorry I made her cry. “I’m sorry, Mama. I don’t want to leave. I want you to get better.”

She turns her tear-streaked face up at me. “Then help me. One last time, then I’ll get better. I promise.”

I stare down at the belt, thinking that maybe this time she means it.

“Okay.”

She grins and holds her sleeve up as I loop the belt around her arm and synch it as tight as I can. “That’s good, baby. Look at that big vein.”

The glee in her voice makes me shiver. I turn my head the moment she pulls out the needle and jabs herself with it.

A couple of seconds later, her body visibly relaxes.

“Much better,” she sighs as she drops the needle to the floor.

She reaches out to try and pat me, but she misses. “Thank you, baby.”

I gasp as I sit up in bed and reevaluate where I am—alone in my hotel room.

Beads of sweat cover every inch of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that dream. I was hoping my fucked-up brain had somehow blocked my childhood out, but I will never be that lucky.

It’s probably because of all of Anna’s poking around about my past. I know she believes she’s helping, but some people should learn to let sleeping dogs lie. Talking about shit only makes it worse. Bringing up the past brings back the nightmares of shit I don’t want to remember.

Nervous energy flows through me, and there’s only one way I know how to get rid of it.

Working out.

After a couple quick stretches I get down on the floor and begin hammering out push-ups. Focusing on the burn in my muscles takes my mind off the pain of my emotions. This is one of the reasons I got so big to begin with. Nothing else compares to the way I feel when I work out.

Working out, and fucking women: the two things that completely take my mind off everything. And they’re my two greatest addictions.

Well, if I’m being honest, I suppose that was true once, but not now. Being with Anna takes my mind off my shitty past too. That is, until she tries to bring it up.

I know she means well, but there’s no way she can fathom how fucked up things were for me. Her life with her domineering father is child’s play next to what I dealt with. At least her parents care enough to be involved in her life.

“One hundred and twelve,” I count out loud as I keep pumping in a steady rhythm up and down, and my eyes fixate on the corner of the nightstand as I get lost in the burn.

I was doing just fine with avoiding my past, until lately. Walking away from Anna is the best thing to do. She’s fucking with my head, making me want things I know I can’t have.

I’m not normal. No mind as fucked up as mine could ever have a shot at a normal relationship. It’s not fair to her to drag her into my world.

Maybe if I just fuck her--get it over with—we’d both be able to move on. I’m just afraid if I ever get a taste of that sweetness that I’ll be a fucking goner.

I know me. Once I become addicted I won’t be able to let go, and I’ll drag her down with me. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves more.

She deserves so much better than me.

The goodness that pours out of her lights my world up like she’s a goddamn angel. She shouldn’t want anything to do with a demon like me because I’ll taint her. What she saw tonight will most definitely cause her to hate me. I should be glad that she no longer wants anything to do with me.

But, I can’t let her go.

Not yet.

Not that easily.

I’m too selfish to do the right thing and leave her alone. The expression on her face when she told me goodbye nearly killed me, and every time I think about it, there’s a sharp pain in my chest.

I’d kick my own ass if I could. Better yet, I’d go back in time and refuse Deena the night she showed up begging to fuck me the first night we got here. That bitch is evil, and I’ve had enough of her attempting to sink her hooks into me.

Spending this week with Anna wasn’t one of my brightest ideas, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t stay away from her. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever met. The fact that she calls me out on my shit confirms her realness, and that’s what I crave more than anything in this world.

I’ve got to see her one more time.

The tears have finally stopped, but my mind hasn’t. I lie in my bed, replaying what went down at the hotel. I don’t understand how I didn’t see that coming? I’ve only known him a week, and I’ve already grown attached to him, but that doesn’t mean I know everything about him. I mean, he was still sleeping with his old assistant and hadn’t said a word to me about it. He led me to believe I might be special to him, but apparently I’m not.

I sigh again and shift restlessly, unable to find a comfortable spot.

“Anna, you going to tell me what happened, or do you prefer to keep us both awake all night with your longing sighs?” Quinn mumbles from her bed. “It’s bad enough you’ve been a puddle of tears since I got home. What’s up?”

I take a deep breath and sigh again. I don’t want to annoy her any more than I already have. Maybe if I talk about it, I can calm down enough to sleep. “It’s Xavier…”

“That much I figured. Want to talk about it?” The concern in her voice is almost enough to make me want to cry again.

“He’s been sleeping with his assistant.” I choke back a tear. “I know we aren’t a couple—that we’re just friends—but it hurt. I didn’t know he was…seeing someone.”

She turns on the lamp on her nightstand and leans up on her side to face me. “He
what?!
Are you kidding me right now? I’m going to kill him.”

“He really didn’t do anything wrong. I knew we are just friends. It’s my fault for allowing myself to grow attached.” I shake my head, and the tears burn my skin as they roll down my temples.

“Now you’re just talking crazy.” Quinn flings her feet over the side of her twin bed and focuses her gaze on me as I lie on the twin air mattress on her floor. “X is chasing you, Anna. Any idiot can see that. Seems to me that he’s a selfish man who was having his cake and eating it too—that is until you found out. Don’t you for one second put any blame on yourself for feeling something for him. X made it damn near impossible for you not to. The man is relentless in his pursuit.”

She’s right. From the moment I met him on the plane, he’s been impossible for me to shake. Xavier has been a constant in my life since I got here. Maybe all the emotion I’m feeling for him is just an excuse my brain is making to cover up all the feelings I’ve been avoiding since I left home—ones I’m not ready to deal with just yet.

I wipe my eyes. “It all makes sense now, you know.”

She tilts her head. “What does?”

“He kept telling me that he’s a bad person and that I shouldn’t trust him. I should’ve listened, huh?” The burn in my chest from my broken heart still lingers. “I guess I need to stop being so trusting and believing everyone is good.”

Quinn shakes her head. “No, Anna. That’s what makes you so special. You’re one of the sweetest people I know. You’re practically a saint compared to the rest of us. Don’t allow one asshole to ruin that for you. One of these days, you’ll find a guy who will appreciate you.”

What if I messed up my one shot with a good guy already? The way I left Portland behind because I couldn’t picture marrying a man who I didn’t truly love flits through me. Jorge is sweet. Sure, he doesn’t have that all-consuming effect on me like Xavier does, but at least he was safe, and he never made me feel like this. Ever.

“Maybe I already found him and let him go. Jorge wouldn’t have treated me like this. Maybe coming out here was a mistake.”

Quinn comes over and sits next to me—the air mattress sinking a little beneath her weight. She brushes my hair away from my face, and a sad smile plays on her lips.

“I know you don’t mean that. Don’t let being hurt by a man make you doubt your decision to be here. You came here to experience an unsheltered life, and while I don’t promise life here won’t come with its bumps and unexpected turns, I do promise it’ll be an amazing and freeing ride. Promise me you won’t let what X did make you throw away that chance to find yourself. Don’t go running back to Jorge just because it’s the ‘safe’ thing to do.”

There’s no mistaking the look of compassion in her eyes. If I turn tail and run back home, I would not only be letting myself down, but Quinn as well. And I don’t want to do that. Besides, she’s right. Deep down, I know she is. I need to take this as a lesson and learn from it while I stick it out here.

“I promise.”

“Good.” Quinn hugs me against her. “Our fun together is just getting started and I would hate it if you left now.”

I smile at her. “We do need to hang out more. I’m sorry I’ve been so occupied lately. Xavier is a pretty consuming man.”

“We’re going to change that.” Quinn pushes herself off the mattress and snuggles back down in her own bed. “Tomorrow night you and I are going out. Now that Mr. X is out of the picture, we’ll start having girl’s nights out.”

In the silence of the room, my thoughts drift back to Xavier, and the events of the evening. The oddity of it all still puzzles me. Why doesn’t he stay at his own house? Why a hotel? None of it makes any sense to me. I wish I could just stop thinking about him, but I can’t. It would make forgetting him a whole lot easier.

“Quinn, can ask your opinion about something?” I ask.

“Shoot,” she answers simply.

I go right for the one question that keeps lingering on my mind. “Do you think Xavier is married or something?”

She quiet for a moment as though she’s contemplating her reply. “He better not be or, seriously, I will shank him. What makes you think he is?”

I shrug. “Tonight he said he has a house here in Detroit, but that he never stays there—that he actually
pays
people to take care of it while he stays at a hotel. Don’t you think that’s strange? Why wouldn’t someone stay in their own home if they could?”

She nods and her eyes drift up to the ceiling like she’s searching for answers. “Yes, but I don’t think he’s hiding a family or anything. There would be some trace of it on the Internet if he was.”

“True. I just can’t make any sense of it.”

“Don’t waste your time thinking about him anymore, Anna.” She leans over and flips off the light. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

She’s right—I know that—but how can I tune Xavier out when he’s weaseled his way into my heart? Getting over him and his betrayal will take time. I can’t stop thinking about him just because he’s a big jerk.

I roll over and sigh, hoping a good night’s sleep will help erase some of the good memories I have of Xavier, so I can start completely hating him and move on with my new life.