Pieces of Paisley (27 page)
“Pais, I know I don’t have the right to ask you, but why are you with Ellis?”
I shrug my shoulders. I honestly don’t know.
“If he proposes to you right now, what would you say?”
“No.”
“You need to start living again. You are me, after I lost Tim, and I was a miserable human being who self-destructed. You are doing the same thing.”
“Not quite, Krista. I don’t bail on people.” It may be a low blow, but a true statement.
“You are wrong there. You are bailing on the most important person, yourself.” And touché. She has me there. Ellis walks in and he looks panicked. I don’t know if he was listening in or what, but he drops to his knee and pulls out a jeweler’s box.
“No,” I scream. He looks crestfallen. I won’t let him ask me, and then reject him. He spends the night begging and pleading with me until I ask Steve to make him leave. I am not keeping score, but two broken engagements, two proposals and an almost proposal isn’t looking well on my resume.
Chapter 26
Paisley
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
With Kara gone, a new job and endless people in and out of my house I feel like I have never settled. Steve has all his Navy buddies over and I love most of them, but sometimes the endless sexual innuendos they throw at me get on my last nerve. I took a job at an upcoming MRI manufacturer, and I am busy traveling during the week. I like the hustle and bustle of meeting someone new each day, selling a company and machine that can change lives. We are concentrating on getting it in smaller hospitals and facilities and once our name speaks for itself, I will create the marketing plans for bigger hospitals.
After Ellis I swore off guys, yet again. Without my partner in crime to go out trolling with, my prospects have dwindled, and when I go out with Steve and the guys, no other male can get near me. I gave into the basic need for sex and slept with one of the guys, Owen, and the next morning when he expected a relationship, I had to crush his dreams. This guy was the biggest sex talker, playing it off like a night with him is what fantasies are made of. He lied, or is delusional. It was nothing to write home about, and when he didn’t want to leave my side for days, I lost it. He has never come back around, and Steve still laughs about it.
A new guy is over today, and he seems quiet, not the usual in your face that I am used to with this crowd. His name is Peter, and he has taken an interest in me. When he gets a phone call that turns into a screaming match, I am immediately turned off. He sits down beside me when he ends the call and acts like none of that happened. “Problems?” I ask him. I am naturally inquisitive and when it seems like World War III just went down in my living room, you bet your ass I want answers.
“Just my wife. She wants me to take our daughter tonight, but it isn’t my weekend.” Do I have a sign on my head flashing ‘Only Interested in Losers’ or am I just an easy target? Just once I would like to meet an unattached male with no kids, no baggage and not in the armed services. I extract myself from the couch and decided I need a very long grocery store trip . . . immediately. I call Steve and tell him to get everyone out and there is a new rule, no more married men, separated men, attached men or daddies allowed over. I don’t care if he has to pre-screen his friends, this rule is non-negotiable.
The rest of the year is flying by and Steve is being discharged. He is moving back home to New York and I will miss him so much. We have our going away party, and promises to keep in touch, but I know once life gets in the way, the phone calls will stop, the emails unanswered and we will have the occasional chat on Facebook. Some of the guys, when they join the military at eighteen and are thrust in to a whole new way of life, it is scary and exhilarating for them, but it isn’t their life. They live it up, and have a blast for the four years, but return to their normal lives and we all become a distant memory. I don’t have that luxury, this is my life.
Summer is nearing and I decide to visit Kara in Canada and then I will bring Adaleigh back to stay with us for summer. Kara will fly down and visit and then return home. Rick’s threat is no longer existent, he has met someone and she is pregnant so Adaleigh and Kara are a memory, albeit they are still married. Kara won’t leave Canada though, she has discovered a new love; search and rescue missions. She is rock climbing, ice climbing, and any other activity that has a possible death wish. My mom will keep Adaleigh during the day when I work and I will have her the rest of the time. I was lucky enough to secure two weeks off from work and I am so excited about this trip.
I get an email from Krista as I am packing; our friendship never fully repaired itself, but we try and keep in touch. I am not the same person I was almost five years ago, I am jaded and don’t forgive that easily, the opposite of the naïve girl I was when she took me to that beach house. I avoid emotions, I steer clear of confrontation and I protect myself by insulating myself in this bubble I live in. Krista is in North Carolina and getting married. I immediately congratulate her and then dwell on that the entire plane ride. Krista is now me; or how I was with Jake. Idealistic, in love and happy. How did she do that? She was so hurt and closed off after Tim, and that was our demise. I couldn’t reach her, she wouldn’t allow anyone in and that description reminds me of myself right now. If she did it, got the courage to love and live again, maybe there is hope for me. I don’t make any promises to myself but I think maybe if I don’t guard the walls of my heart hostage that life won’t continue to pass me by.
I have lived since Jake. I just haven’t felt the living I have done. I have partied, I have had innocent and youthful interactions and relationships, but I don’t allow them to fully penetrate in my soul so I can fully experience them. I am going to try and do that starting with my trip to Canada. Kara is picking me up and we are going to a bar, with all her friends, and then back to crash at someone’s condo. She says tomorrow we are all going rock climbing and what she means is they are climbing and I am observing. After that, I get to see my Adaleigh. She is almost four years old and I haven’t gotten to squeeze her in way too long.
I jump into Kara’s arms as soon as I see her, and I have to admit this move back was the best thing for her. She looks healthy and happy. She seems finally at peace with herself. We get my bags, load them in her car and take off. She is talking a mile a minute about everyone that is going to be there, and I have no clue who she is talking about. I sit back and listen to her chatter not really hearing anything and relax for the first time in a really long time. The bar is huge and loud, and one thing I have discovered is that Canadians love their beer and liquor. Shots are free flowing and we keep getting offered beers I have never heard of. All of them lethal; the alcohol content in beer is a lot higher here and I am feeling it when I make my way on the dance floor with Kara. We are tipsy, covered in sweat and I take a break. I sit down and make small talk with a few of the guys and girls I remember and when a shot is set in front of me, and I turn to see who delivered it, I feel it. That feeling I have missed so much. The breathless, giddy, nervous anxiety that slipped through my fingers is back, but this time in the form of a blonde haired, brown eyed male. He isn’t tall, under six feet and not hugely built, lankier, but something about him makes me feel. He gives me a sweet smile and I can’t help but notice his slightly crooked front tooth. He is boy next door cute, and I want to be the girl he pushes on the swing. “Noah,” he introduces himself.
“Paisley,” I tell him.
“I know, Kara has been talking about you forever, we already know you. I don’t think there is one embarrassing fact you have that we haven’t been privy too.” I would like to kick Kara’s ass right about now.
“That’s lovely,” I sarcastically point out.
“It is for me because I kind of fell for you before ever meeting you.” Is he for real? He seems so sincere and different from what I am used to. First impressions are a lot and he is hitting it out of the park. I don’t have a comeback for his admission.
He seems to know I am at a loss for words and surprisingly doesn’t capitalize on it, just smiles at me and lets the conversations take over the table. I am aware of him all night and when the group goes to head out, he asks if I would like to ride with him. As much as my heart is saying yes, I lead with my head, “I don’t really know you, so no.” He takes it in stride.
“You will know me, I promise.” It isn’t delivered in that cocky way that turns me off, it is just a promise, very sincere. As soon as we get in the car Kara pounces.
“Noah?” I don’t answer her, but the smile creeping on my face gives me away. “I knew it Paisley, when I met him he just screamed at me that he was for you. Seeing your reaction tells me I was right. He really is a good guy, Pais. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“I felt something tonight for the first time, it is unnerving but not unwelcome. I have missed that feeling.” She squeals like only a toddler would, and we arrive at the condo we are staying at tonight. Early the next morning she awakens me and forgets that I am not a morning person and in a different time zone than I am used to.
“Noah and the gang are waiting on us,” she mentions and that is all it takes to kick my ass in gear. I throw my long hair up in a ball cap put on a t-shirt and shorts, brush my teeth and we leave. “Not trying too hard, huh Pais?” she is looking over my make-up free face and attire.
“Shut it, bitch.” I don’t want to seem too eager and I don’t want to push something if it isn’t there.
The day is a blast except when somehow I ended up in a harness climbing the side of a mountain. It may have been a mini-mountain but I still had to climb that bitch. That was the most exhilarating and scariest moment. When I got to the top and had to go back down, Noah was the first one there taking my harness off and telling me how proud he was of me. Later I realized he was the one manning my rope and that gave me a sense of peace I wasn’t expecting. On the way out, the rest of the group wants to stop for a drink, but I am really anxious to see Adaleigh.
I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but when I explain it to them, Noah is the first to speak up. “I just fell a little more,” he winks at me. Kara has planned a camping excursion in the mountains for us in two days, and I am less than thrilled. I don’t camp unless it has ‘hotel’ listed after the accommodations. They tease me and tell me the bears probably won’t be out because it is July, but that does nothing to ease my nerves. Instead, Noah and Kara plan for us to meet somewhere tomorrow night and have some drinks before we go camping.
Nothing could have prepared me for seeing Adaleigh. Yes, there is Skype and I have seen her plenty, but holding her little body in my arms is a feeling I have missed. She can make everything seem so trivial and make you grateful for what you do have. Kara has to work tomorrow and then is off for the rest of the time I am here, so tomorrow it is princess and me. We spend the day doing nails and watching cartoons. We walk to the park at the end of the street, and it is like we were never separated. She is so excited about coming back with me and cries when we leave that night. I reassure her telling her the next two days we are camping.
I dressed in a spaghetti strap lavender tank top and jean shorts. We pull up to this huge-ass mall. “Uh, Kara, I don’t need to shop” She laughs at me and leads us in anyway.
I am in shock. There is a fucking indoor water park in this mall, a whole area of bars and stores galore. I have never seen anything like it. She just grabs my arm pulling me out of my stupor and drags me in a bar. I see Noah and another guy sitting at the table and my stomach takes little dives and turns. I bounce on my feet excitedly and have to knock it off when Kara starts laughing at me again.
We make our way over and Noah stands up and ushers me in the booth. He is so close to me I can feel his body heat. I am immediately nervous so Kara hurries and orders us a pitcher of beer. The guy with him is his cousin, Jamie. I immediately feel at ease with Jamie and he reminds me of Tristan’s friend, Vance. Before long we are all laughing and joking and occasionally I feel Noah’s hand brush against my leg, or he wraps it behind me.
Jamie starts throwing a quarter in my drink . . . well, a Canadian quarter. They all yell “Save the Queen,” which is I guess the equivalent to quarters in the States. The Queen is on their coins and when they put her in your drink you have to chug so you save her. After the fourth time someone does this to me, I blurt out, “Fuck that Queen, she can drown.” I don’t mean any disrespect but I don’t want to puke tonight. They all get the biggest kick out of my statement and immediately stop throwing coins in my drink. Kara and I are talking a mile minute and finishing each other’s sentences and when she accidently mentions a night out with Jake, my heart doesn’t seize and threaten to stop beating. She immediately looks guilty and I wave it off and realize that this is a good thing. We all had lots of good times and bad times, but they are all part of our history and our memories. We have to relive some of the bad to remember the good and I don’t want to curl into the fetal position and die.