Pieces of Paisley (24 page)

“Did he want my social security number and favorite sexual position, too? Damn, you could have left some for the imagination.”

“I did, see I didn’t tell him what a snarky bitch you are.” I just laugh at her, and think it will get the formalities out of the way.

“Quick, tell me his story.”

“He is in the Navy,” I roll my eyes. “Shut up, I am engaged to one remember, what do you expect? He is shore duty, a bit older, but very easy on the eyes.”

All that is superficial and self-explanatory. “How much older?”

“Uh, twenty-seven.” Holy shit.

“That is almost ten years older, don’t you think it is a bit strange that he is interested in me?”

“No, not really. Honestly, Paisley, I have known him for two years, and he is so damn picky it isn’t even funny. Most of the girls throw themselves at him and he isn’t interested. You, he hasn’t stopped talking about since he saw you, and when I told him what just went down, he didn’t blink an eye. He is a good guy.”

Okay, this may work. “Caro, remember I just got out of something, I am not looking for long term, hell I don’t know what I am looking for.”

“Don’t over think it. Just go into it with an open mind and see what happens.” I nod at her just as Sean comes walking up with my drink.

“Don’t let anyone but me make your drink. There are some assholes here and you never know what will happen.” I am about to roll my eyes at him as I think, great another protective one. “Just trying to keep you safe. Have as many as you want, have a good time, but just let me make your drinks.”

I can handle that. “Thanks,” I tell him sincerely. We chat for a bit and get to know each other. He has an older brother, both are career military and from Minnesota. He is very forth coming, and when I get up and tell him I am going to find Caroline he doesn’t seem to mind and rejoins his friends.

I am getting white girl wasted and before long the dancing starts, and shots, and drinking games. I luckily remember to text my mom and tell her I am not coming home after Caroline offers her pull out sofa. Sean makes his presence known but not overbearing, just enough that I don’t get irritated already with him. The party is breaking up and a few guys go outside to set off some fireworks, and Caroline reminds her fiancé not to let them back in because we are going to bed. She gives me a t-shirt to sleep in and while I am changing she gets the sofa bed ready. I am ready to pass out and I am pretty sure I do once my head hits the pillow.

I wake up to light streaming in from the back door and hot as hell. I go to roll over, and it is like I am a burrito in the blankets. Something shifts next to me, and I can free myself from the blankets. I turn to look, and I see Sean on top of the covers, propped up on his elbow smiling down at me. He looks like he has showered and perfectly put together. Except he is shirtless and has a nice chest. I chastise myself for the train of thought, “Good morning,” he says.

Does he not see how awkward I am feeling right now? I don’t remember inviting him in to bed with me and frankly, I just don’t remember much of last night. I can’t look him in the face. What if I had sex with him? I am such a ho. I get drunk and wake up with strangers. Technically, he isn’t a stranger, but we have definitely not reached the rank of fucking. “Relax, Paisley. I slept on top of the covers, nothing happened, and I wouldn’t take advantage of a situation like that. I promise, I am not a bad guy.”

“Isn’t that what the bad guys say? Trust me, get to know me, I’m not bad. I think everything you just said is the mantra they use.” He really doesn’t seem like a bad guy, but again I don’t have much experience to go on.

“Fair enough. Why don’t you have dinner with me tonight and find out for yourself. You can even drive yourself until you get to know me better.” Can I do this? Can I really start dating so soon? I again see Jake’s hand on the small of said whore’s back and have my answer.

“Sounds great, and I will be driving myself,” I soften the statement when I wink at him.

“Oh, this is going to be fun. It has been a long while since someone was able to keep me guessing.”

“Stick around, I usually keep myself guessing.” He gives me a dazzling smile, and I can’t help but notice it doesn’t do anything for me. I miss the butterflies and excitement I used to get every single time Jake looked at me. I push those thoughts to the back of my mind, and concentrate on Sean finalizing our plans.

I spend the rest of the day at home, organizing my room and making sure every memory of Jake and I is packed up. I want to put them into the abyss of mind and pray they never come out. I fight back my emotions, remembering the promise I made to myself to not shed one more tear over him.

These are the times I wish he had Facebook. He never would relent on that argument and hated that I had one. He said people would use the information against me. His mom had one and I decide to be petty. I want him to know I have moved on just like he has. Updating my status to read “Nerves starting-
#firstdates
.” I hit post before I can think too much about it, and I always have the option to delete.

Driving to the sport’s bar we decided to meet at, I am hoping the nerves come, but they never do. I walk in and see Sean waiting for me, and I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am just not ready, I hate that I am not but I decided after tonight to be honest with myself and Sean. We enjoy dinner, some jokes and I am really comfortable with him. “Sean, I want to thank you for tonight . . .”

He cuts me off, “Why do I feel a
but
coming? Just take tonight and last night as what is was, two people hanging out, no pressure. I know you are still hung up on your ex, but I am patient.”

I want to tell him no, but I really enjoy being myself with him. He makes me feel young, and doesn’t question my choices or take over my decisions. I know I have just met him but he has this laid-back vibe about him. “Deal. No expectations, no pressure.” I reiterate.

“Yes, now tomorrow wanna come to my apartment? We can hang out by the pool, and I will cook for you?”

I hesitate. He takes that as a no, “We can always go to the beach if you have something against chlorine.” That isn’t the issue, it is the beginning of February . . . not really beach or pool weather.

“Sean, it isn’t chlorine I have the aversion to, it is freezing my ass off near any kind of water in the winter.” He seems to think I am hilarious.

“Paisley, this isn’t winter. Try Minnesota right about now. This is truly beach weather.”

“And you have truly lost your mind. How about we rain check the beach or pool and maybe bowling? And no apartment, yet.” He begrudgingly agrees with me, but not before he gets my phone number. I wouldn’t give him any information earlier because I didn’t want him to be able to harass me if I stood him up. He walks me to my car and gives me a friendly hug good-bye.

I pull out and turn on the radio and immediately turn it off. ‘Maybe Someday’ by Lonestar was on, and since the last day with Jake I refuse to listen to that band. I am pissed because my dream was to walk down the aisle to them. I have the wedding dress, had the groom and ring, and yet somehow he ruined an awesome group for me. I promise myself that if I ever get to the point of marriage, way in the future, I will still walk down the aisle to them. He can’t take everything.

I wake up the next morning feeling like ass. My throat is sore, headache, body aches, and a temperature. I call Sean and cancel and he offers to bring me chicken noodle soup, and I have to laugh. I remind him I am eighteen living at home with Mommy, and she can take care of me. He doesn’t seem like anything fazes him. “I know Paisley, but that doesn’t mean more than one person can’t help you when you are sick.” I think I was trying to push him away with our age difference.

We exchange texts throughout the next week and I am busy with school and have decided to find a job; I need freedom and being back at home is about to drive me bat-shit crazy. My mom is all up in my business with Jake this, Jake that, then when I threw in her face Jake is no more and followed it up with informing her about the “date” I had, she is all pro-Sean now even though she never met him. She is seriously deranged. I swear if a damn eighty-year-old man showed interest in me she would pimp me out . . . proudly.

I want to drop out of dental assisting school. I have no reason to be there anymore, and that way I can go back to babysitting. I don’t tell my mom. I just do it. She is shocked but what can she do? My rebellious streak is in full force when I go get my belly-button pierced after she ‘forbid me.’ I thought she was going to have a conniption fit when I showed her in front of a group of her friends. She didn’t speak to me for three days, and it was so peaceful. I haven’t seen Sean although we are talking and texting on the phone, a lot.

Babysitting is going well, I see Kara more and get to spend time with Adaleigh, much to Rick’s annoyance. I wonder how much longer Kara is going to hold on. She is slowly coming around, and she has my mom right there encouraging her. I tell Kara my mom just wants Adaleigh, and if she is single as well as me then we will never be home and my mom’s wishes come true. She still thinks my mom is the epitome of great parenting, and I can’t convince her otherwise. Rick leaves in July, for another deployment and Kara tried to put her foot down and refuse to move back to Tampa, unfortunately Rick controls the money and she has no choice.

Valentine’s Day . . . how do you handle that with a new prospect that in my mind is ‘friend-zoned’ but doesn’t seem to know it? He keeps asking me out to dinner. I relent with one condition. Movies and pizza at his apartment. I am not going out and seeing every couple in love and happy because I would want to take dull spoons and dig their eyes out. I am turning into an angry, jilted girl, and I have Alanis Morissette fueling that fire. She has become my idol, and I can rock some angst.

I decide to check Facebook before I leave to go to Sean’s. Holy fucking mistake, Facebook is the devil. Rose has posted a picture of Jake, camping, with some girl in the picture. Oh and it is tagged with that bitches name, ‘Autumn Osmond.’ Really? I screenshot it so I can stalk her later, but hit ‘like’ just to let Rose know I saw it. I am livid; I won’t let myself feel the pain. Anger works better, no tears and no regrets. I immediately change my bra and panties to a matching set and decide revenge will be mine tonight. I text Sean to make sure he has tequila and promise him he will enjoy unwrapping his Valentine’s gift.

I blare ‘All I Really Want’ by Alanis Morissette on the way to Sean’s. All I can think is, ‘when did he start camping?’, and ‘who wears tie-dyed anymore?’ Yes, she had on tie-dye. My cell rings and ‘Rose’ flashes on the screen. I ignore it; I can’t do it right now. I am barely hanging on and the only thing stopping me from breaking down is the anger. If I talk to her I will lose it. I flip the CD to ‘So What’ by Pink and turn it up louder. The chime letting me know I have a voicemail goes off, and I have to sit on my hand I am not driving with to stop myself from checking it. When that fails to work, I light a cigarette. One more thing Sean doesn’t bitch about, my smoking.

I try to build my confidence at Sean’s by using liquid courage. I never hesitated jumping on Jake when I wanted sex. This feels so wrong, but I have to eradicate every memory of him from my mind. I don’t want the last memory of someone touching my body to be him, but at the same time I don’t want anyone else to do it. I am a hot ass mess. This is why I will warn every female I meet to run the opposite direction of love. You will never experience anything like it, they said . . . no shit, and death will be less painful. Your first love will always hold your heart . . . again, because the fuckers destroy it and mutilate it so you can’t give it to anyone else. There is nothing else like falling in love . . . they just don’t tell you when it ends, there is no other pain like it. I don’t know how many tequila shots I take, but all I know is I am still sober. Sean hasn’t mentioned anything about my mood, maybe he doesn’t notice . . . or maybe he doesn’t care.

I lean in to kiss him, and he meets me half way. His lips are soft on mine, but nothing. No fireworks, no accelerated heart rate, no tingling. I do feel nauseated, but I don’t think that is from his kissing. I lead him to the bedroom deciding to get this show on the road. He stops me, “Not tonight Paisley. We need to go slow.” Who says that? You have a girl almost ten years your junior willing to put out and you stop her? He will regret that shit when he looks back in twenty years, because his chances are dwindling faster than mine. He does take me to the bedroom and gives me a shirt to sleep in and crawls in next to me. I do fall asleep with his arms around me, and when I wake up, I am creeped out.

He is watching me sleep again. I go to lift my head up, and I feel like something is slicing my cheek. I rub my hands on his chest under my cheek and it is worse than when I forget to shave my legs for two days. What the finger fuck is that? “I forgot to shave yesterday,” he tells me like it is no big deal? Okay, I know male models shave, swimmers shave, but Navy men? Nope, they don’t shave. I don’t know why this freaks me out so badly, but it does. That was the last time I saw Sean.