Pieces of Paisley (10 page)

My mom has been more suspicious of our relationship of late, and that may have something to do with me asking her to put me on the pill the day after my birthday. She always told us to talk to her, so I did, and now she is having a mini-stroke. I know it is because I am the youngest, the last one, and let’s be honest . . . my sisters didn’t hold on to their ‘V’ cards until they were seventeen. That shit was popped at age fifteen, and I am being generous with that age. I went on the shot instead of the pill. I haven’t planned when our first time is going to be, but I haven’t thought of much else. He is always so gentle about stopping, but generous about the orgasms he gives me with his fingers, or letting me dry-hump him. He always acts like it is no big deal when we stop messing around and doesn’t whine or pressure me to go further.

I have missed him so much, and he is still stateside. I don’t even want to think about how I am going to cope. Not necessarily for the three weeks, but in May he leaves for six months. I know that is seven months away, but thinking of all the time and experiences he will miss is daunting. He will miss my eighteenth birthday, my graduation, luckily we get to celebrate his twenty-first birthday before he deploys, but I just can’t imagine six hours without talking to him, let alone six months. I will have Kara, and that helps me some. She left to go to Tampa to stay at Rick’s grandmother’s for the duration of their deployment, and Jake and Rick are talking about getting an apartment when they get back, and Kara and I are throwing around the idea of me moving in while they deploy for six months. As much as I love our privacy, and I love Kara, Rick is a creep. He treats Kara like crap, and if she doesn’t lay him out soon, I won’t be responsible for my actions. He keeps his physical actions to a minimum in front of people, he will grab her arm or kick her leg, but I know behind closed doors he is an animal. Jake always tells me to stay out of it, and I wonder how he can be okay with it. He assures me he isn’t, and unless he sees it himself he won’t get involved on assumptions. True to her word, Krista moved in with her dad, and I haven’t heard a word from her. She doesn’t return my calls, texts, nothing. Radio silence is all I get.

She hurt me, but she also hurt my family. They took her in with open arms, sheltered her. My mom is trying to be an adult about it and tells me things aren’t always cut and dry, but in this case it is. You either respond to my attempts or you don’t. I feel guilty because part of me is relieved I don’t have the tension of her and Jake, but I don’t have time to dwell on it, I am busting my ass at school, which isn’t easy with all the assignments and lessons I am missing, but I vow while he is gone I will be a diligent student. Right now, he is my focus. Our relationship and the survival of it are my priority.

He pulls me inside and we flop on the couch together. His strong arms wrap around me. “You hungry?” he nuzzles into my neck.

“Nope. Are you?”

“I’m tired. I got up early to get here before you, wanna nap?”

I don’t respond verbally, but I snuggle deeper into the couch cushions, cocooned by him and we both doze off. When I awake I realize how much I have missed this time of just us. I am more refreshed than I am after seven hours of sleep. I stretch my neck trying to find a clock, and when I can’t find one I reach for my cell phone in my purse. I must have woken Jake up because he pulls me back to him and tells me, “I could get used to waking up with you.”

I kiss his neck and murmur in agreement. He bends down and takes my mouth in a breath-stealing kiss, leaving no crevice unmarked by him. It is lustful, passionate, and claiming all in one. I respond to him almost immediately and all too soon he pulls back. I try to catch my breath and not pout about being stopped when things were getting good. I go to push up and ask if he is hungry when he grabs my hand and tells me to stop.

I look down at the placement of my hands and they are resting right below his hipbones. Oh, is my man ticklish? Just for shits and giggles, I gently squeeze, just a slight bit of pressure. He immediately grabs my wrists and sits up. I haven’t released his hipbones yet, when he whispers huskily, “Pais, you have to stop.” It dawns on me he isn’t ticklish, it is turning him on. Who knew hipbones were an erogenous zone? I flex my hands against him again, daring him to stop me. He sucks in a sharp breath but doesn’t say a word. I get bolder and move one hand over to lightly caress him through his shorts. This is the most he has allowed me to do, and when I reach my destination I squeeze with my hand again. He snaps, loses control, and I have never seen anything more beautiful.

He crushes me to him and settles my legs on either side of his and pushes my shoulders down so I grind against his dick. My entire body is flushed, and I know I am generating so much heat I need to remove my clothes before they incinerate. He grabs me behind my head and gently guides my lips to him. He begins an erotic dance with his tongue in my mouth while grinding my hips down on him. I have had plenty of dry-humping experiences with him, but this one feels different; electric, more intoxicating, and one I want to last. He pulls back, but I still keep the friction of grinding on him. “God, Paisley. I want you.”

“Then take me.” I don’t realize that those are the words I utter, but I have no doubts, no second-guessing. I want him, in every way.

“Are you sure?” Always making sure I am okay with going further. God, I am not made of spun glass.

I reach my hands in between us and squeeze him, and in one swift move he has catapulted us off the couch and is making his way down a hallway in the apartment. We reach a bedroom, and he gently places me on the bed and follows, lying down on top of me. He doesn’t rest his weight on his forearms; he gives me all of him. I am nervous, but excited. Ready, yet scared. A conflict of emotions must emit from me, because he is pulling up and away from me. I hastily grab his arms and pull him back to me. Wordlessly, I am telling him I want to give myself to him. I want him to selfishly take it. He begins to peel my clothes off layer by layer, and even though my body is trembling and covered in goose bumps, I am on fire.

I reach up with shaky hands and run one hand down his expansive chest. That is my favorite part of his body; broad, strong, hard, yet a perfect pillow for my head. My other hand finds the back of his head and pulls him down so I can meet his lips. He is gentle yet firm, seeking and taking everything I am offering him. He begins working his fingers inside of me and I tug at his shorts, not wanting that barrier between us. I finally start to get them down, and immediately he stiffens and swears under his breath.

“What’s wrong? Did I mess something up?” His lips part as he stares at me lovingly, when he reaches up and brushes my hair back from my forehead and places a gentle kiss there, he tells me, “No, beautiful, you did nothing wrong. It is perfect, all of it. I just need to run into the living room and get my wallet.”

He must tell from my expression I have no idea why he needs his wallet at this moment. “Condom, Paisley.”

I smile at him. “Not needed, Jake. I went on birth control right after my birthday. The shot, it works right away.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“When I gave myself to you, and it was only going to be you, I wanted it all . . .” I let my words drift off around us.

“I love you, Paisley.” He proceeds to show me how much he loves me. I know it is going to hurt. I have many friends I have talked to about this. Jake knows it is going to hurt, and he is hesitating. “Tell me if it is too much, and I will stop.” He will do no such thing. Slowly working the tip in, he pushes a little and it isn’t too bad, a stretching sensation. Another push, and I am changing my tune. The burning pain and ripping sensation causes tears to leak out of the side of my eyes, rolling down into my hair. He realizes I am crying and bends down and kisses my tears, my eyelids, and finally my lips. “I am so sorry, beautiful.” And with one last excruciating, searing pain he is finally inside me. I take some deep breaths, calming myself, and even though there is still a mild stinging, the pain is gone. He gently moves in and out, never going too hard or fast, as if he knew exactly what I could take. I wouldn’t say it is pleasant, but not awful, either. Between him kissing me and reminding me how much he loves me, I lose track of time and revel in this moment.

I feel him speed up, and his breath catches right before he stiffens and empties himself inside of me. It wasn’t the best physical experience for me, but emotionally I have never been more fulfilled in my life. This is a moment I can never take back, and I am so glad that I waited and I gave it to the one person who made me change my perspective on love and relationships. He is the man who loves me, supports me, cherishes me, and above all else, he respects me. He pulls out, and I wince when I feel a burn. “I am so sorry I hurt you,” his eyes settle on me, and the gleam in them makes every ounce of pain worth it.

“It’s fine. I am fine. I am more than fine,” I tell him with as much conviction I feel.

“It will get better, I promise.” I have heard that, but I laugh at him.

“Well practice does make perfect.”

“Not for a few days, Pais.” My heart falls to my stomach, he leaves in eleven days and we won’t get another moment by ourselves unless it is in a parked car somewhere. I am not ready for that scenario. “Quit worrying, we have all the time in the world to practice.”

“In between deployments,” I tell him. I hear his deep sigh and know I have said the wrong thing.

“Is that the reason you decided today was the day?”

“No, Jake. I didn’t plan this, but I knew it would happen. I couldn’t imagine it being with anyone but you.”

“Don’t doubt what you mean to me. Don’t doubt I would have waited a lifetime if you weren’t ready, but I am so fucking grateful it was sooner rather than later, because I was about to die, Paisley. It took all my restraint every time I was near you.” His words put me on cloud nine. He hid it well with his restraint, but hearing how bad he wants me gives me a little more confidence in our sustainability. I shift to the side and see the blood. Jake notices it at the same time I do, and he gets up and brings back a washcloth and gently cleans me. Once we get dressed we stay in each other’s arms lazily on the couch until it is time for me to go home.

On the way home I am in my own little bubble. I think back to the day and how perfect it was. Nothing else will replace that. I know my outward appearance didn’t change, but somehow I feel different. I don’t have anything to compare it to, but the way he was gentle, took his time, treasured what I gave him, I knew I was a lucky girl. Puddle of Mudd ‘Blurry’ plays and for some reason the waterworks start. I don’t know if I am overwhelmed with the actions of today, the upcoming deployment, the unknown. Everything seems to be changing at one time; Krista, my relationship status, school, Kara . . . it all is too much at the moment. I know my personality is to overthink, I internalize everything until I have a solution, and I don’t have a solution to any of the thoughts in my head. Krista? She won’t have any contact with me. I would have picked up the phone seconds after losing my virginity and wouldn’t have cared if Jake were right there. Jake? I love him and while it is the best feeling in the world it is the scariest because it is unknown. I want to think we will last forever, I am betting on it, but I also know I am a silly school girl, and he will be in different countries with exotic beauties that may tempt him. School? I have never struggled like I am now, I can’t keep up with my classes, my focus is shit, and it all revolves around Jake, and I know I am letting my dreams and desires be sacrificed by my relationship. Kara? Well she is four hours away and going through what I am, so she is the only one that gets it. Jake knows I am upset about him leaving, but he doesn’t fully know the extent of my doubts. To tell him would be saying I doubt him, and he has never given me reason to. I guess I just doubt the whole concept of happily ever after. I want to believe, but life is constantly changing. You evolve and things shift every day, and I don’t want that to be us.

I make curfew and my mom is up reading one of her romance novels. She is immediately at my side as I sob. “What is wrong, Paisley? Are you hurt?” I can’t speak through my sobs, so I shake my head no. I am hurt but not in the sense that it can be cured. The only thing that can fix this is time and faith, both of which I lack. Once I calm down enough to talk to my mom, the floodgates open, and I pour it all out.

“I am overwhelmed. At life, in love, just everything. He is leaving in less than two weeks, I lost my best friend, I can’t stand being in school, and everything is happening at once. I don’t know how to process this.”

“One day at a time, with one foot in front of the other.” What kind of motherly advice is that? I squint my eyes at her, and my lips turn into a scowl. I am about to freaking tell her she is an idiot. “Paisley, you cannot control life. You can’t control your feelings. You have to acknowledge them and grow from them. You like to think you can put everything into a category and move on, but not everything fits into a box and can be checked off. The best parts of life, you feel. You roll with the punches, you experience that free falling feeling, you embrace it, you hate it, you love it, but you feel it. Those are the parts of life you know you are doing right. You baby girl, you are coming into the hard part of life, but the best part of it, also. You get to experience so many new things for the first time, you may experience many things over and over, but there is only one first time. Your first love, your actual ‘first time,’ your senior year, friends growing and changing, and, sadly some friendships ending. If you don’t embrace it and live through it you stilt your growth, and life will keep happening alongside you, but you won’t be part of the ride. In a nutshell, you are growing up. These are all growing pains, and while the Jake situation I expected you to experience that much later in life, you have the tools to deal with it, dig deep baby girl. Don’t let go of what you want, and don’t settle for a safe way of life because you think it is easier.”