Pieces of Paisley (14 page)

“I do, Jake. I just don’t want to irritate you.” She is driving me insane right now. She is not this insecure girl, and I don’t know why I bring it out in her. I should do the opposite, and somehow I am failing.

“Paisley, I am gonna go. Please know you don’t ever bother me, but this constant back and forth game is getting on my nerves. My job, as the man in love with you, is to show you that, make you confident in our love and yourself. I don’t seem to be doing a good job at doing that and I don’t know where I am going wrong. I love you, beautiful. I wish you would trust in that.” I hang up before I say anything more because I refuse to fight with her over the phone.

I turn around to go upstairs, and my mom is standing there. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Most of it. Are you okay?”

“Frustrated. That girl owns me, but she has me so wrapped in knots I don’t know if I am coming or going most days. I don’t know what I am doing wrong.”

“Probably nothing from what I heard. But you can’t demand for her to listen to you, to trust and believe in you, and the second she doesn’t do it, you get mad and end the conversation. I don’t know her, but if she has captured your heart like this, she is worth the fight and frustration you feel. Things aren’t always cut and dried, Jake.”

“So I screwed up?”

“I am not saying that. Come on, let’s go upstairs and talk.” I follow her up the steps like I am a six year old, anxious for any wisdom she can shine on me.

She pours her coffee and lights a cigarette, and I cringe. “Get over it, Jake, I am the mom and this is my house. I know your thoughts on smoking, Lord knows I heard it enough when you were growing up.”

“Paisley smokes, and I hate it,” I blurt out. I don’t know why I just told her that, and when she starts laughing at me I question why I am about to listen to advice from her.

“I see, now,” she says like she has just solved world hunger. “You don’t have control. Everything in you screams for order, control, respect and compliance. Feelings aren’t based on that, they are just that . . . feelings. You don’t have control over them and so you trying to control her feelings and thoughts. She may need more nurturing and isn’t she worth it?”

What a dumb question. “Of course she is.” I am not going to offer her any more of an explanation. I don’t know what impression I gave her to ask me that question.

“Calm down. I know she is worth it just from hearing and seeing you talk about her. I am trying to get you to let go of some of your control, to consider all options. Tell me more about her. Maybe it will give you a new point of view.”

I can’t help the smile that comes across my face. I am about to dive into my favorite subject . . . Paisley. “She is breathtaking, Mom. So innocent and beautiful. She doesn’t realize the pull she has on people, and while she tries to portray this tough exterior, she is so soft on the inside. She hates emotions and feelings; tries to deny them and not process them. She is brilliant as hell, and part of me feels guilty that she has given up so much to be with me. I want her to know it was the right choice and never regret her decisions.”

“Back up, Jake. What decisions are you afraid she will regret? What has she given up for you?” I realize there is so much my mom doesn’t know. I have been so guarded in what I told her because she had her doubts about me with anyone other than Lisa, but my mom is about to see what an unbelievable girl I have.

“I’ve mentioned the age thing to you. It was hard at first. Here was this girl that knocked my socks off. Made me feel alive, challenged me. I felt that spark immediately. Then I found out she was sixteen and wanted to run. Only my legs didn’t carry me very far. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, then I kissed her, and I felt at home. In one single kiss she changed my outlook on what I wanted in my life. She was able to allow me to let go with just the meeting of our lips. I swear I felt it to my core. Long story short, her mom knew about the age difference, and I am sure she wasn’t thrilled with it, but she accepted it. She accepted Paisley’s ability to make a choice for herself. That choice hasn’t been a walk in the park. I freaked out and hurt her without meaning to when I found out her mom knew. I was worried about the ramifications of the Navy. She left without letting me explain myself. I think she felt rejected but didn’t stay to talk about it. I got my head out of my ass and went after her after I lost my temper.” I look at her to gauge her reaction and see her shake her head in silent reprimand for my temper tantrum.

I don’t acknowledge her, I already admitted to myself that I made a mistake, but so did Paisley for running that night. “We worked it out and thought we were going to move forward. We have for the most part, but then this insecure girl comes out in her, and I don’t know what to do. Right before I left on deployment, she had a breakdown that her mom witnessed. I didn’t know about this beforehand because she just acted distant and aloof without discussing her concerns with me. I guess being in this relationship is taking a lot out of her. She had been missing classes and checking out early to spend as much time with me as possible, but never let me know it was affecting her grades, and she was struggling with me being away. I knew she would miss me, but this was different. It made her turn into herself instead of leaning on me. Her report card came, and her mom freaked out. They had a pretty intense argument and when Paisley explained to me what happened and how hard it was for her to catch up on school work and she couldn’t, how she felt disconnected to a lot of her classmates because she is in a different situation with them, it was like she doesn’t trust me. So now she is doing a homeschool type program at the local college, but I want her to pursue her dreams.”

“No, Jake, she doesn’t trust herself. She isn’t trying to hurt you, or question you. She is too busy doubting herself. Tell me about her home life.”

“Her mom and step-dad are pretty laid back but very present. She is the youngest of six kids and is really close to her oldest sister. The others she doesn't mention too much. Her best friend kind of bailed on her, and we didn’t see eye to eye, so I am not sorry for it, but Paisley was super hurt. Krista has issues and needs to work them out, but she took out her shit on Paisley and yet, Pais stood by me. She defended our relationship to her, but I don’t see that same fight in her when it comes to me.”

“What happened to her dad?”

“I don’t know all the details. She doesn’t go into it much, I just know she doesn’t see him, or really talk about him.”

“Here is my opinion and take it for what you want. She defended your relationship to her best friend, the person she trusted and believed would never hurt her because she wasn’t afraid of her reaction. Yet, the same person turned her back on her and walked away. She doesn’t see or talk about her dad . . . that girl is afraid of you leaving her. Not for deployment, not for a few weeks, but for her life. She is terrified of losing you and doesn’t even realize it. She doesn’t defend your relationship or fight for it to you because she feels if she does you may leave. She fights for it all on her own, and I don’t know how to make her see things differently, and I believe she has to come to that realization on her own. But, you have to be patient. If you push her she will walk away. She probably feels that is safer than staying and being hurt. I know it is against your nature, but Jake, if you want her, and you love her, then you have to let her grow into this relationship and all the things that entails.”

I silently process my mom’s words and all the pieces fit. How I didn’t see this I don’t know, and how my mom saw it without ever meeting Paisley kind of freaks me out. “How did you get all that?”

“I listened Jake. When you explained her reactions to certain situations, I put myself in her shoes, and when you factored in her dad and best friend, it all made sense. Just love her and keep loving her. That is all you can do.”

I pick up my phone and call her. I get her voicemail and leave her a message. “Beautiful, I am sorry about earlier. I love you and miss you. Please call me when you are ready to talk. I am here no matter what.” I look up to my mom for her to give me a thumbs up.

“I am proud of you, my boy.” In this moment, I am proud of myself. I didn’t lose my cool totally with Paisley earlier, but I did push more than she was comfortable, and then I admitted I was wrong without showing any kind of rage. Piece by piece we will put this puzzle together.

All my friends arrive and there are about five of us including Andy. My mom has snacks and drinks out, and it reminds me of high school. I keep checking my phone and haven’t received a call from Paisley. I hate that she is probably upset and confused, but yet she won’t reach out to me. I am about to send her a text when Andy starts in, “Jake, put your phone down. Your girl can go without you for a few hours, she is going to have to survive six months.” As I am about to tell him to fuck off, another friend of ours, Greg, says something that pisses me off.

“So you and Lisa are back together?”

“What the fuck are you talking about Greg? Lisa and I are done.”

He looks around at everyone at the table, and says, “I figured now that everyone knows the kid is yours and not Mick’s you would want to resume your relationship.” The room falls silent, and nobody is meeting my gaze. I can’t tell you the emotions running through me at this moment. My lips curl and I have the urge to punch the table. I want to run from the room and forget what I just heard. My heart is racing and my skin feels clammy. But most of all, I feel sick. I knew there was always a possibility of the kid being mine, but Lisa and Mick were pretty damn convincing that he was more than likely the father, and she had the kid over a year ago. How did nobody tell me? I look to my mom, hoping she is going to deny this, but when I meet her pale face and teary eyes, I know.

My first thought should not be Paisley, but it is. I can’t even be elated that I am a father because I see this child as nothing but my future heartbreak, and I will do anything in my power to stop that. I can’t lose Paisley over a cheating ex who neglected to tell me I was a father. I ignore my friends calling my name, I ignore my mom’s pleas to not do something stupid, and I walk out the front door, grabbing her keys to head to the one person who can give me answers.

I drive to her house by memory and then remember she doesn’t live with her parents anymore. I text Andy to find out where she lives, and he tells me to just come home. I need to be clear-headed about this, and my mom has information for me. I take the long way back and am doing everything I can to avoid the answers that may ruin me. I walk in and notice everyone has left. Andy is still sitting there, but he gets up and meets me at the door. “You need to keep your shit together, Jake. She wanted to tell you a few months ago when she found out, but you refused to let her speak when she brought up Lisa, and now she wishes she never knew because she knows you have truly moved on and doesn’t want to break your heart.” I just nod at him and walk into the kitchen. Of course, the first thing I focus on is the full ashtray and right now I don’t hate cigarettes so much because I wish I could have a crutch to calm my nerves. The usual way I deal with stuff is to hit something, and the only person I want to hit right now is a woman and my ex-best friend.

“Jake,” my mom starts hesitantly, “I ran into Lisa about three months ago and she had the baby with her. A beautiful little girl who is fifteen months old. I took one look at her and I knew she was yours. When I asked Lisa she didn’t deny it. I found out a few weeks ago her and Mick have split again and went to see her at work. She said Mick couldn’t handle the fact he isn’t the dad and made her life hell. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she never told you, or let me know. She said she didn’t want to uproot the girl’s life, and she was still hoping she and Mick could work it out. I realized I didn’t even know my own grandchild’s name.”

I quickly cut her off. “Don’t tell me her name.” I know it is irrational, but if I don’t hear the name I think it won’t be real.

“She said if you wanted to talk to her while you are home then she is open to it, but if not, she understands. I still want to have a relationship with her, but I will abide by your decision.” How is she asking me to make this choice? I claim the child, and make my mom happy and face my responsibility, but at the same time I crush Paisley. I turn my back and don’t think about this again, and I disappoint my mom, I disappoint myself because I am not wired that way, but I also keep Paisley, and she isn’t tainted by this bullshit.

“I don’t know right now, I just don’t know.” I get up and walk downstairs. I strip and climb in bed and notice my phone is lit up. I grab it and see a new text from Paisley.

“I love you . . . more than I thought possible. I am sorry for earlier and please be patient. Just fall asleep tonight knowing you are my everything.”

Fuck me! I should have just stayed in Florida and spent Christmas with Paisley and her family and then my life wouldn’t be crumbling right now. Every time I think I have a new piece of the puzzle for Paisley and I, a new understanding of how to work towards this future I want with her, something else happens to derail us. Be it her insecurities, her inability to communicate with me, my protectiveness, or my failure to make her feel secure and wanted. I fall asleep and toss and turn most of the night and when I wake up I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know what I have to do; it is what I set out to do last night before I was derailed even further. I get the information from my mom and head out to the other side of town. I didn’t call or text Paisley this morning. I need to do this without bringing her and our already uncertain future in the mix. I have to make the right decision; I just don’t know what it is.

I pull up in front of a small bungalow style house, and it has the white picket fence . . . how domestic. I don’t even reach the first step to the porch when the door swings open and Mick walks out. He doesn’t bring up the past anger in me like when I found out he had been sleeping with my girlfriend. Seeing him doesn’t remind me of the fact he was once a trusted friend and he betrayed me in the worst way possible. I guess I am truly over it and ready to move on.