Pieces of Paisley (32 page)
I rush out of the room and fall into Wayne’s arms. I know this is bringing up terrible memories for him, but I am selfish enough right now to take his comfort. His arms may not be the ones I want around me, but they are all I have. I cannot stick around and watch all the grieving and people acting like this is a fucking class reunion. Not one of them knew the real Krista. The one who grieved for her babies for endless years, the one who was so damn forgiving and accepted her parents back in her life and heart after all the abuse she suffered at their hands, the one who could cut you with her words, but soothe you with her spirit. None of them knew her like I did. I stare at her husband, he is broken. I want to go offer him some words, but I am a coward. I can’t tell him it will be all right because it won’t. When you lose the love of your life, by death or by choice, you know nothing will ever be all right again. You put one foot in front of the other and survive. That is all you can do. I can hear Krista telling me, “Paisley that isn’t living.” Well you know what, screw you because you aren’t here to help me live. You left me.
“I have to get out of here,” I plead with Wayne. He understands and makes our excuses to her family. Her mom comes up to me and even though I hated this woman with everything I once was, in Krista’s time of need she was there. I can feel her pain and I know she loved her.
Her mom reaches for me once again, “She loved you,” I can barely hear her through her tears.
“I know,” is all I can get out. I turn and Wayne is carrying a box in his arms and I walk ahead of him to the car, I am practically sprinting to get away. I barely make it to the side of my car before I collapse. My entire body is shaking from the force of the sobs pouring out of me. He helps me in the car and then gets in and starts to drive off.
“I have a box for you, Paisley. It is from Krista, her husband gave it to me. He said she didn’t want you to see her at the end, didn’t want to bring any more pain to your life, but she worked on something for you the last few weeks. I don’t want you to have it now because she said you should be alone when you open it.”
“Give it to me,” I have to have it. It is the only piece I have of her. I need to know why at the end, when it mattered the most, she shut me out. He isn’t giving it to me and I am becoming hysterical.
“You shouldn’t be alone right now,” he tells me. I know he is looking out for my best interest, but I am tired of people doing that. I am going to break, I am going to fall on my face, but I have to be the one to make this decision.
“I don’t care what you think, or anyone else. Give me the fucking box.” He relents and gives it to me. On the top is a taped piece of paper that says,
“Don’t open this unless you are at the park and alone.”
“Take me to my car,” I tell him. He shakes his head and I am shaking in fury. I need this, I need to see what was so important to her and nobody is going to take that away from me. “Wayne, take me to my car, now!” I seethe at him. No more words are spoken and he pulls up to my car at my apartment.
“Please call me, check in. I will worry about you, and please be careful.” I know this is going against what he feels is right, but he is giving me what I need.
“I will. Don’t worry, but this is something that I have to do.”
“You don’t have to do it today.”
“I do.” I kiss his cheek and hold the box to my chest as I unlock my car and get in. I know what park she is talking about, the one by my parents, it is where we used to go to get high, or escape reality, even for just a little while. Flying high on the swings made us feel invincible. Now she is taking me back there to show me how real life can be and make me face her demise. I drive on autopilot and park. I grab the box and rip it open. Inside are several packages, all labeled with numbers. I find the one marked “1” and rip it open. Out comes a letter and something in plastic.
“Light this, remember, don’t be afraid of the pain, and start saying good-bye. Don’t shut down, Pais. Let it out, swing on the swings, yell out your pain, your fears, and get high. Remember the times we made mud-pies, at sixteen. Remember this is where we told our secrets, gossiped and gave a part of ourselves to each other that there is not getting back. Be angry at me, be angry at the world, but feel it.”
I follow her directions; I search through my car for a lighter and find one. I would rather have a cigarette, but I finally gave those up. The night I got the call that cancer took my friend out of my life, I let the cigarettes out of mine, willingly. I sit in my car for a few minutes and toke on the joint. I shouldn’t be doing this at almost twenty-five, but if getting some of my friendship back through doing this, then I am doing it proudly. Once the euphoric feeling begins to wash over me, I kick my heels off and step out of my car. I make a beeline right towards the swings and thank her for nobody being here. I push off and as I begin to soar higher and higher, pumping my legs, I let the tears come. I cry for our anger with each other, our sorrows we shared, our time together and our time apart. I cry for her and I cry for me. I am probably going to hell, but I stare at the sky, past the clouds to the heavens and let a big “FUCK YOU!” out. Then I let myself remember. All of our first days of school, our crushes, our silliness, and our first loves and first dates. She was such a part of my life there is no escaping it and I feel it. I feel the peacefulness sweep over me.
Making my way back to the box in my car, I search for “2” and rip it open. Inside are our pictures from our ninth grade dance. We had blinding smiles and the look of innocence. We thought we had the world by the balls, but it turned into a real dick and slapped us down several times. I think about Krista, why she may have given into the despair and darkness for a while, she clawed her way to the other side. On the back she wrote, “The best days of our lives,” and I have to laugh. We really thought we were hot shit back then, and I would do anything to have that feeling back, to have her standing by my side. I find “3” and open it.
It is her class ring. I teased her relentlessly about getting that. She said she would always pass it down to her daughter and I should do the same thing. I never got one, and now I regret it. I realize now, she is giving it to me so my future daughter can have a part of her, and she will be a part of my life, my future even if she isn’t here with me. I search for “4” and I am almost frantic now. There is only one other envelope, but it is larger than the others. A single piece of paper flies out of the envelope and it says,
“Go where the tide comes in.”
I can’t. I swore I would never go back there. I haven’t faced those demons and I don’t know if I can. I have to do this for her. This is her tribute, her good-bye. I find myself in front of that house before I know it. Of all days to rip off this wound, I pick today to deal with it. Now I am saying goodbye to my sister, and my love all at once. I rip open “5” and there are two envelopes in there that say ‘Now’ and ‘Later’, so I open the ‘Now’ one. A CD comes out with a letter.
Paisley,
I know you are angry with me. That is okay, that means you miss me. I want you to take this second letter and put it in your glove box, and in four months, after your twenty-fifth birthday open it. I know enough time will have passed then and you will be ready to accept those words. Until then, listen to this song. I hate country, so you know I had to endure a lot to find it.
Don’t ever regret what we became. We were still sisters, and no matter what, you would have always been my phone call. I love you and I believe in you.
XOXO,
Krista
I actually find myself smiling about the phone call. We used to always joke with each other that we would each other’s phone call if we ever were in trouble. It was our way of telling each other that we had each other, always. I put the CD in and can’t believe she chose this song. ‘What Might Have Been’ by Little Texas plays through the speakers. I am itching to open the other letter, but I won’t. I set a reminder in my phone, for four months. October 3
rd
and promise myself I will honor her memory every day. I am going to YOLO this bitch.
I make it back to my apartment, spent and exhausted. Wayne is waiting on my couch and he doesn’t say a word. He knows nothing he can say right now will help. He just holds me and I realize at this moment, he is now my best friend and that makes me sad. I have loved and lost several through my short life and I don’t want to lose another one, but after dealing with saying good-bye to Krista, I am afraid I cannot settle for what he is asking of me. I want to live, if not for myself than for her.
Chapter 34
Paisley
Forgiveness is the final form of love.
My twenty-fifth birthday is fast approaching, and so much has happened in the past three months. Every day I am getting stronger and dealing with my grief. I have moved in with Wayne, and when he proposed last week, I said yes. It may not be what Krista wanted for me, she wanted me to have love, but it is what will make the happiest. I can’t risk love and loss again. I have doubts myself and every time he asks for a date I want to hyperventilate and take Benadryl because I break out in hives. It has only been seven days, but he has asked at least ten times in that time frame. Thank goodness I leave for three weeks today. I am going to the West Coast to handle some meetings and see if I can streamline the market for our MRI machine. I hurry up and pack and take my bag to the front door. Wayne is taking me to the airport because I hate leaving my car in long-term parking.
After a quick peck, I am gathering my bags from the trunk and making my way to begin my journey. I don’t see any hiccups in the roll out of the machine, but I like to be hands on for training and if there are any obstacles I didn’t see. After the first week of non-stop texts and phone calls about picking a date, I just blurt one out . . . May. Pick a fucking date in May and we will get married. That gives me eight months to resolve myself to this. To take any regrets and doubts and face them head on. Wayne is pouting because I am on the road for my birthday but I am not upset. I just need a lot more me time lately and crave the solace.
My alarm starts beeping in the middle of traffic in California. What the fuck? Oh God, it is October 3
rd,
and Krista’s letter is back home. I need that letter. I promised her I would read it. I call and beg Wayne to Fed-Ex it to my next stop, but he assures me I am being ridiculous because I will be home next week. I, in turn, assure him he won’t be tapping this ass when I get home, but I still don’t get him to give in. I don’t care how well he fucks me; I am seriously pissed at him and have plenty of batteries for my vibrators
I arrive home, still in a pissy mood. I don’t know why he couldn’t have just sent the fucking letter, and I don’t want him all in my space while I read it. This is a reason I didn’t want to give up my apartment . . . no privacy. He finally calls some of his friends and goes out to shoot some pool. I have the house to myself and pour a glass of wine. I retrieve the letter and with shaking hands I open it, not prepared at all for what it will say.
Paisley,
It has been sometime since you had to say goodbye to me and if I know you, you are struggling but getting through. I want to say I am proud of you for doing what I asked, and I know you didn’t let me down. I have powers up here now, I can tell if you did it or not, and you don’t want me haunting you.
It has been even longer since you turned your back and said goodbye to Jake. It has been too long that you both have suffered. He is divorced, Paisley. He hasn’t moved on from you, just like you haven’t moved on from him. You may be sitting pretty with doctor-boy or you may be single by now, I don’t know. I can’t see in the future, but I do know without a doubt in my mind—YOU LOVE JAKE! And you always will. He is your one and only. Some of us only get that once in life; I was lucky to experience it twice and I am so thankful that I opened up and let love in. You aren’t going to do that, because you are meant to be with him.
He loves you, a love I have never seen before. Sure, he made mistakes, he hurt you, but he hurt himself more. I talked to him about a year ago. He didn’t ask about you but I know he wanted to know. I didn’t give him any information but left him with the same words I am going to say to you. Young love is hard; it doesn’t always grow the way it should and sometimes you lose it True love always survives and you can never extinguish that fire. It entraps your whole body, your entire soul and you fight like hell for it. You had both, young love and true love. Your young love was extinguished, but what are you going to do with your true love.
I want you to be happy, Paisley. Really happy, where you don’t question it because it radiates from you. I remember that girl and I want to be able to look down and see that girl again.