Pieces of Paisley (36 page)

“My mom? What are you talking about, beautiful?” the endearment slipped out before I could stop it, and she sucks a breath deep in her lungs and I see her start trembling before me. I have to get her out of here before she crumbles. I can tell this is a huge shock to her. I wrap my hand around her arm and lead her to the front of the bar and out the door.

Once we are outside the haze seems to lift from around her, and she stops. “Jake, what just happened here?”

“I am hoping you can fill in those blanks for me.” She blinks her eyes a few times and shakes her head then pierces her eyes on mine.

“I was supposed to drop some stuff off for Joe, then I saw you, and I don’t know what the fuck happened.” I smile at her. This couldn’t have been more perfect if I had arranged it myself.

“You were dropping off the specs for me. I am the engineer at the VA.”

“What happened to your dad’s company?” I am not about to play catch up by the side of the road.

“Paisley, we both have some unanswered questions. What are you doing right now?”

“Last I checked, standing here trying to make sense of this.” Still a smart ass I see.

“Can we go back to my apartment and talk?” I see her hesitation. She doesn’t want to say yes, and I need her to. I need some answers to the questions that have encompassed my life the last seven years. I can’t let her leave without those. I won’t survive it again. “Please, Paisley. Just talking. I don’t know how or why we were just thrown together, but there has to be a reason.”

“I don’t know Jake. I sure as hell don’t want to rehash our past in a parking lot or full bar, but I don’t think going back to your house is the best idea, either.”

“If there was another option I would, but it is ten o’clock on a Thursday and you are in Tinyville, USA. We can talk here or my apartment.” I see the resolve slip from her body.

“I’ll follow you,” she tells me and takes off towards her rental car. Tonight I am getting my answers, even if it kills us both. I can’t live another day in this limbo and that is exactly where I have been for the last seven years of my life. Today I had decided I needed to make some changes in my life, and this is step one in doing that.

After I make sure she is behind me, I drive the ten minutes constantly checking my rear view mirror. I don’t know why I don’t think she will follow through. For one, she isn’t a liar. As scared as I am to get the reasons she is here, what it means, I am more scared of her walking away, again. I noticed no rings on her fingers and that gives me a little hope. Maybe she is as lost as I am. I pull up to my spot and park and watch her pull into the space beside me. I quickly make my way to her car and watch her step out.

“Nice, Jake. You plan on taking me hostage, too?” I have missed that mouth. Kissing it, fucking it, and hearing whatever the hell she is going to spew from it.

“Is that a fantasy of yours, beautiful? You know me . . . I am to please,” that banter is back, and I have missed it. I can tell right away by her expression that her mind is screaming for her to retreat, that I pushed it too far. “No, Paisley. I just wanted privacy. I don’t want any interruptions and we have a lot to say to one another, don’t you think?” She doesn’t verbally reply but just nods her head and shuts her car door and waits for me to lead the way.

Once we make it inside, we both freeze. This is so natural yet awkward at the same time. Paisley and I have never had to walk on eggshells or be unsure of one another. Our fights and time away from each other always felt like we were, but being here tonight shows me we were never as far apart as we are now. We are on new territory and neither of us knows how to proceed. “Do you want a drink?” I am going to try the polite host role.

“Do you have tequila?”

“Sorry, nope.”

“I’m fine, Jake. I don’t need alcohol tonight.” I move us in to the living room, and I notice she takes the only chair in the room. She is setting boundaries, and I have no choice but to respect them. I notice her looking around the apartment and it is bare. I have packed up every knick-knack and picture frames, except for one. “You just move in?”

“Nope, I just bought a house, and getting ready to move. What are you doing here, Paisley?” I need to get some answers. I want to know why she is here, now. What is she doing with her life? Does she have a family back in Florida?

“It was a last minute trip. I am director of marketing and expansion with the MRI company. I usually don’t do prison trips, but my co-worker was in an accident, and we had to get this handled, so here I am.”

“You weren’t going to contact me?” I have to know. I need to know if I am still on her mind.

“I honestly don’t know, Jake. I leave tomorrow, late afternoon, and I was going back to the hotel to think for a little while about how to proceed.” I didn’t expect that honest of an answer, but at least it wasn’t a no. She is fidgeting in her seat, and wringing her hands together.

“Relax, Pais. I just want to talk. I want to know what has happened to us in the past years, I want to know what went wrong.”

“What went wrong? We broke up and you never came after me. You got married on my fucking wedding day, and moved on. That is what happened to us. You and your damn controlling ways, your lies of omission, your need to protect and shelter me. My relenting to your every whim, never telling you or making you understand what I needed, what I wanted, me allowing everyone around me to control me and not knowing how in the hell to grow up. That is what happened.” She isn’t yelling but she is emotional. Her voice raises and hitches at certain times during her reenactment of our relationship and she can’t seem to catch her breath.

I want to say so many things, so I start with the truth. “You are right, I didn’t come after you. I thought I was doing what you wanted, what you needed, and I see I was wrong. I knew I was wrong as soon as I left without you. The wedding day . . . I am sorry for that. I didn’t know how else to move on. I thought filling the void you left in me with someone else would help, but it didn’t. I have been divorced for four years now. I was giving you that chance to grow up, to experience life. I robbed you of so many opportunities, and you will never know how sorry I am. All I know is I was consumed by you, by the feelings I had for you, and I wanted to put them away and protect them from any outside force. I know it sounds irrational, but that is the only way I can explain it.”

“Don’t apologize anymore. What happened is in the past. I don’t know what to say to you, Jake. I don’t know how to tell you what I felt, what I still feel. I feel like I broke that day, but shoved it all deep down. It tries to crawl out of me and I refuse to deal with it. I have tried to move on and go forward with my life, but a lot has happened and I veer off course.”

She is slowly trying to tell me something, but I have to know, “Did you still love me when you walked away?”

“Yes,” she says on a sigh.

“Do you love me now? Sitting across from me, can you tell me you still love me?”

“I don’t know you anymore. I love the man I was with, I love the man who would have never hurt me.”

“I am still that same man, Paisley.”

“But I am not that same girl, Jake. That girl is dead.” She whispers so softly; I pray I heard her wrong. When the tears slip from her eyes, I know I didn’t. I can’t stand to see her cry, I immediately stand up and scoop her in my arms and sit back down with her in my lap. I have unleashed a dam inside of her because she loses all composure and sobs in my arms. All I can do is hold her and hope when she is done mourning that girl I loved, she comes back to me and allows me to love her again.

Once she is calmed down, I ask her, “Can you tell me what happened to you?” She nods yes and launches in to her last several years. From the mistakes in dating, which have me ready to punch something, to her failed engagements, and I thank God for those. She tells me about her move to Canada, the bond that was broken with her and Kara and in turn with Adaleigh, and her family. I am shocked by that one and realize how wrong I was about Kara. When she gets to Krista, I cry with her. Regardless of my issues with that girl in the past, I know she had to be someone special to mean what she did to Paisley.

“She called me about a year ago,” I tell her.

“I know. She left me a treasure hunt type box, and the letter I opened this past year, right after my birthday explained that. I think she knew something was going to happen. She hadn’t been diagnosed yet, but I don’t know why else she would reach out to you.”

“Maybe because she was tired of us punishing ourselves for our past and all the mistakes we made.” I feel like all the hurt she endured is my fault. I let her leave, I tried to move on without her and I failed to protect her. I treasured her and I let her get beat up by the bullshit of life and wasn’t her comfort on the darkest days; I caused those dark days and I need her to forgive me. “I need you to tell me it is okay what I did. I am selfish for asking, but I am about to die a thousand deaths thinking I let you face all of this on your own. I have said it a million times. I will get down on my knees and beg you to forgive me if that is what it takes. I am so damn sorry, Paisley. For everything.” She turns in my arms and grabs my face.

“Jake, listen to me. I did this, too. I am to blame for just as much. I don’t know why I did what I did. I think deep down I was afraid you didn’t want me around your daughter, so you hid her from me. Then you made it clear kids weren’t in our future, and I felt I wasn’t good enough. Doubts plagued me and I had nobody to talk to because you refused to discuss it. I could have made you listen and open up but instead I did the weak thing and ignored it. I allowed that wedge to be driven between us, I let it fester and bleed and did nothing but rip open that wound and then walk away. You always asked me to trust in you, in us, and I thought I was, but when it mattered I didn’t. So we have to forgive each other.” This is why she still owns my heart. She can throw the attitude out, but she hurts worse than most. I said from day one I wanted to strip her layer by layer and I did, but the problem is I wasn’t the superglue who held those layers together when they unraveled and for that I am to blame.

“So where do we go from here?” I ask her hesitantly. I want to tell her about Laura, I want her to be in my life, and share it with me.

“Right now, we finish catching up. What have you been doing?” She must see my smile; “Tell me about Laura, Jake. What is it like being a parent?” One more thing I stole from her.

“She is a trooper. When I came home I had Autumn with me,” I see her visibly wince, but I continue, “I was trying to build a relationship with my daughter and needed to form that bond alone. I can’t say for sure I would have felt the same if it was you, I doubt I would have, but with Autumn, I didn’t’ want her around Laura at first. I needed Laura to be comfortable with me. In no time at all, she was glued to me. She calls me ‘Daddy’ and Mick and Lisa are Dad and Mom. They have worked their shit out, and I am grateful because she knows what a family is. She is beautiful, Pais. Her dark brown hair is about to her waist, and she is adamant nobody will ever cut it; she is a bit of tomboy with girly-girl mixed in. She loves to hop on a four wheeler but also pretends she is a princess and is obsessed with purple and glitter.”

“Every girl should have that, and every girl should be the apple of her daddy’s eye,” she tells me. I see the pride coming off her in waves. Therein lies her issue, she won’t admit it and I don’t think she gets it but she is always waiting for someone to leave her like her dad. She missed all that security growing up, and that is all I ever wanted to give her. “Go on, I want to hear more.”

She is still sitting in my lap, and I don’t think she realizes she has snuggled down further into me. “We tried to put her in dance, but God, Pais, that girl is a klutz. She hates it, and we can’t laugh at her about it because she will go full-on diva on you. She has my mom wrapped around her finger, Brian, too and even though she is spoiled she is well behaved. She is intrigued by you.”

“What? Me?”

“I’ll show you and explain to you in a little bit,” she doesn’t seem satisfied by that answer, but I don’t want to move from our position. “I worked for my dad for a while when I moved home. I thought it was all I wanted, but getting to know Laura, establishing a bond with her and then seeing how my dad was made me realize I wanted nothing to do with him. Right after my divorce I enrolled in school and a lot of my training from the military helped me, got my degree and have been with the VA for about a year.”

“Why did you get divorced?”

“Autumn always knew she was second fiddle to you. I couldn’t and wouldn’t hide that, add Laura in the mix, and she felt she was always in competition. She wasn’t because in all honesty there was no competing with you two. It was wrong of me to marry her, but it was also wrong of her to accept. She knew I wasn’t ready and I don’t know what she was after. Eventually the fighting got to be too much and I stopped engaging. She got bitter and I filed for divorce. It was quick and easy and done before I knew it. Since then I have focused all my energies on Laura.”

“Girlfriends?”

“Not really, I never wanted anyone in my life long term like that.”

“Ahh, Jake, you became a love em’ and leave em’?”

“No loving, but there was definitely leaving. I don’t want to talk about this, Paisley.” She immediately agrees, and I can tell it was getting to her even though she was kidding with me about it. “You mentioned my mom earlier, did you see her?”

“I asked her for dinner . . . don’t get mad, the stipulation was she couldn’t tell you.”

“That is why she cancelled on me, I thought something was funny.” I will be having a talk with dear old mom shortly about this. “Come on, let me tell you why my Princess is so intrigued by you.” She looks at me funny but hops up off my lap. I lead her into the bedroom and turn on the lamp beside my bed. I point out the picture on my dresser and she makes her way over to it.

“Holy shit, I was so young. Why do you have this?” I take in the way she is studying it and she is still just as breathtaking as she was in that photo. She doesn’t realize the hold she had on me, and the love I still have for her.