Pieces of Paisley (34 page)
C
hapter 36
Paisley
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.
Six weeks and I get married. I am losing my mind and having my mom and future mother-in-law calling me constantly about patterns, food, drinks, seating arrangements, and everything a bride should want to deal with. Problem is, I don’t want to deal with it. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend this whirlwind isn’t happening. I am not that girl, and I have resorted to begging Wayne to elope. He isn’t budging; he doesn’t want to upset our parents. I remind him it isn’t his parents fucking or sucking him, but he reminds me it isn’t me either. We haven’t had sex in months, and that is all it ever is . . . sex. It used to be great, but with all the stress of my life lately, I am just not in the mood. It is hard because that is the only thing we really have that bonds us. Wayne has taken over most of the wedding decisions to help alleviate my anxiety, and I am grateful, just not grateful enough to sleep with him. I tell myself it will all change after the wedding.
Work is even crazier, and we are on the verge of the expansion becoming a reality. There is one more aspect that has to be handled and that is securing the funding to branch into the Federal Prison System. Wayne has sent my co-worker, James, on these trips because he doesn’t think a prison is somewhere I should frequent, and I tend to agree with him. Swanky federal prisons included, they give me the heebie-jeebies.
I recently reached out to Krista’s husband, or her widow rather. I wanted to learn as much about their time together as I could. I felt the need to be connected to that part of her life. I wanted to feel like I understood what she went through to get where she was. His name is Eric, and he was perfect for her. He told me it wasn’t easy, he felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest to reach her, but he knew it would be worth it once he got the prize, her heart. He is doing lots of fund raising for cancer awareness and has made it his tribute to her. I asked him if he ever thought he would fall in love and marry again.
“That is a tough question, Paisley.” He was sincere with me.
“Don’t you think she would want you to move on?”
“I know she would. That was a promise she had me make her. I just know it will never be the same, and I have to wrap my head around it and make sure whoever I am with, will respect the fact she will always have a piece of my heart.”
“Did you tell her that?” I am fascinated by their love.
“Yes, I did. She said that I could find what you have with Wayne. She could be my best friend but not my ultimate love. She told me then, ‘You are my Jake.’ I was a bit taken back that she was comparing me to another guy until she explained. She said she thought she had that with Tim, but when she saw you with Jake she knew she was wrong. You inspired her to find what you had.” I am speechless.
“I thought she hated us together,” I tell him. It was the one thing Krista and I never resolved.
“No, she was petty. And jealous. It is all the things she would have said to you if she were here. She was mourning a loss, and was lost at that time. But she wasn’t blind. She said watching you two together she knew she was wrong in her love for Tim, and she knew she had to climb her way out of her depression and hatred of life to find that. She said that was her goal, you gave her hope and inspiration to get to the other side, but she couldn’t do it wallowing in her misery.” Before I can take a moment to reflect, he finishes, “I have to say, I barely know you Paisley, but I am incredibly disappointed in you. I had that love with Krista, and it was beyond my expectations. I may have another type later on in life, and that is what you are getting ready to pledge yourself to, you are surrendering your life to someone who isn’t the love of your life. I don’t have a choice when that time comes; I have had it and lost it. You only misplaced yours, so if you have the opportunity to live out that fairytale, why are you running from it?” One word . . . terrified. Of course, I don’t tell him that and I know he is waiting for an answer.
I deflect; I put the blame on everyone else but me. “He made decisions and choices that cut me out of my own future. He lied, by omission, and then when I decided to end it, he didn’t come after me. He got married on our wedding day, and he moved on. Now that I am doing the same thing, why is it wrong for me?”
“I am not saying it is wrong to move on, but it is the way you are doing it. If you have the chance, even if it is for only a moment, to grab on to a love so powerful it makes you less of a person, it can break you, then I say you do and don’t let go until there is not a choice. ‘Til death do you part.” He gathers himself, “That is the only way the bonds break . . . death. Even then they linger, they still tie you in knots but give you a little wiggle room.”
I haven’t gotten that conversation out of my head or my heart in four weeks. I find myself dissecting every word, every meaning it could have and I keep coming back to the same thing. It is said you only have one soul mate, one true love in life. I am not sure I believe that anymore. Things happen out of our control . . . and I don’t believe for a second God would want you to live the rest of your life alone. This whole time I have thought I was being cheated living without Jake, and I have been. But now I think maybe Wayne is being cheated, too. He could find another Angela, but I can’t be that for him because I haven’t truly lost my soul mate. I just let him go. I never figured that out, never took the time to really have that breakthrough. Until today.
“Bad news, Paisley.” Wayne says from the door of my office.
“Uh-oh, what catastrophe did we make in the seating arrangements,” I tease him.
“Not wedding related. James was in a severe car accident last night. He is out of commission for a few weeks.”
“Oh, gosh. Is he okay?” I am trying to run through all his tasks and play a juggling game in my mind to see what I can rearrange and help with the slack.
“He will be. He has some broken bones, but will be fine. He can’t travel.” Okay, that is good news.
“Where is he scheduled to go, and is it something I can handle, or can we push it back?”
“Paisley, his meeting at Leavenworth Federal Prison is in two days. He was flying out tomorrow morning. It can’t be pushed back.” The words hang between us.
The words tumble out, “I will go.” And the silent, tense stare begins. I see every emotion flicker in his eyes. He is worried, doubtful I will be able to handle it, but never once is there a loss of love, the despair and hurt you feel in that moment.
“I was waiting for that. I also know who lives there, Pais. I won’t tell you not to see him, not to fall back in love with him. I will just remind you of the commitment you made to me and what I told you before. Make sure you are ready to be mine forever before you walk down the aisle to me. This sucks, and I am scared shitless you won’t come back to me, but I have always known you aren’t really mine.”
I hate to see him even slightly worried. “Stop it, Wayne. You are acting like I have made a decision to alter our future, and I haven’t even stepped foot on the plane. Quit pretending like you know what I will do. I don’t even know what I will do. We won’t ever really be each other’s
person
, but what we have is good, and I would be a fool to throw it away.”
“You would never throw away our friendship and mutual respect for each other. I will be here either way, and I won’t lie to you. I would be disappointed to have made it this far and have it shit the bed, but I don’t want that pressure on you.” I don’t know what to do to reassure him because I am just as confused as him. “Your flight leaves at six tomorrow morning.” He leaves the office and doesn’t look back. I wrap up the pending things I have on my desk and head home to pack.
I keep telling myself that this is just a normal business trip, and I don’t need to pack my sexiest lingerie, but they somehow end up in my suitcase. I get some wine to calm my nerves, and yet they are trampling on my stomach and rising up in my chest. I finish packing and make a decision that could alter the course of everyone’s future. I find what I need with a quick computer search, dial the number, and hear a voice that I haven’t heard in almost five years.
“Rose, it is Paisley. Paisley Hull.” Why did I just introduce myself like I am at a meet and greet.
“Holy shit, baby girl. I never thought I would hear your voice again. Where are you? Canada?” She is firing off questions quicker than I can answer, but the underlying question is why are you calling? And to that I have no answer.
“Rose, I am in Florida. How did you know about Canada?”
“Facebook, honey.” Well she should know I am back home, and I quickly pull up my phone and search.
“You un-friended me?” Why do I even care? Oh my God, I have totally lost all dignity and train of thought.
She is laughing at me, “Long story. Why now? Why are you calling? Is everything okay?”
I take a deep breath, “I am going to be in town for a few days. Some meetings at the prison. I was wondering if you had time for dinner.” I am met with silence, so I clarify, “Just you and me.” I hope I have made my point.
“I have prayed for this day. You have always been my daughter. I understand, Paisley. I may lose my son if he finds out that I am keeping this from him, but I need to see you. I just want to feel you in my arms, and make sure you are okay.”
“I am okay. I have always been just okay. I don’t want to cause issues with you and Jake, but I don’t know if I want to see him.”
“I won’t push, but I wish you would. I feel like my dreams are coming true,” I can hear the catch in her voice. I hate to shatter her dreams, but this is more for closure for me.
“I am engaged, Rose. The wedding is in six weeks.” I have to give her honesty.
“I understand.” I am glad she does, because I sure as hell don’t right now. We finalize our plans for dinner, and it works out that it is the night before I leave. I finish packing and sit on the couch to wait for Wayne to come home. I wait all night because he never comes home, and I realize that by volunteering to go face my past, I have just put my future in jeopardy.
Chapter 37
Jake
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
I just left a meeting with the new architect that is doing the plans for the expansion on the prison medical ward and will eventually do the plans at the VA for me. I am grateful for the use of the prison facilities until we have ours, but this new MRI machine they are pushing for is going to be a bitch. I don’t know how we will manage to run it with our wiring set-up. We aren’t doing a new wing like the prison is, so I need to look at the specs and figure out if we can even implement something like that in our existing wing. I decide to take a quick detour and head by the engineering office here and see if they have any information I can start looking at and seeing if it can be implemented.
I feel like I just walked into a frat house, “Did you see her rack?”
“Her tits were all right, but that ass. Matched with those legs that I want wrapped around my back.” Who the hell were they talking about, and I am slightly disappointed I missed the attraction.
“What the hell did I miss?” I ask the group.
Joe, the chief engineer answers, “The rep for the MRI Company. Holy shit man she is every man’s wet dream, and maybe their happily ever after wrapped into one.” I turn my head and check the hall before I close the door.
“Where did she go?” I would like to see who could turn dirty ass Joe into a rambling, love-sick lunatic.
“She just left. Man, I think I may be in love.”
I shake my head and laugh at him, “Did she leave any information on that new fancy machine.”
“Fuck, I totally forgot to get the specs for you. We are starting from scratch, so we will work directly with their people. Hang on I think I left her card in the break room, let me go see if I can reach her.” He pushes away from his desk and heads down the hallway.
“Jake, telling you man, this chick had it going on.”
“I think I got that already. I am sorry I missed her.”
“She ain’t local either, flew in yesterday, and I hate to capitalize on another man’s injuries, but sure am glad the original dude was in an accident, and she was the fill-in.”
“Tripp, that isn’t cool.” She must have been something. After Maura, I am being extremely picky about where I dip my wick so an out-of-towner may be perfect. “When is she leaving?”
“Tomorrow I think. She finished up all the meetings today and we had an early afternoon one scheduled tomorrow, but it got cancelled because we finalized everything.” Damn, my luck. “Her voice too, Jake. I could only imagine it raspy and screaming my name.”
“You all need to get laid,” I tell them. They are starting to sound like a soft-porn movie in here.
Joe comes in, “Jake, she has a dinner meeting tonight but said she could drop them off to us afterwards. She doesn’t expect to be long. I suggested she meet us at
Church
and maybe we can talk her into a drink. She said she would be there around nine. That work for you or you want me to get them to you tomorrow?” I normally don’t go out that much, and
Church
was the local bar, and I haven’t been in a while. Besides, my mom cancelled dinner on me a few days ago, so I am available. Plus, my curiosity is peaked, and I want to see this girl they are drooling over.