Pieces of Paisley (28 page)
Once we leave it is freezing. Coming in this evening I was comfortable in my outfit, now I am freezing. Noah warns me it may snow in the mountains and I don’t believe him. It is July, where does it snow in July especially when it was just like seventy-two degrees. He wraps his arms around me and his body heat transfers to me and I stop myself from melting into him. Until he leans down and kisses me. It starts soft and gentle but the second his tongue slips in my mouth, I feel shocks in my stomach and my knees buckle. I return his kiss eagerly and we are broken up by Jamie and Kara being obnoxious. He says he will see me later and I believe him.
Camping is not what I thought it would be. As we drive up into the mountains it is getting colder. When I see white shit falling from the sky I beg Kara to turn around and go home. The first campsite we stop at is closed, for a fucking bear sighting so we have to go further up the mountain. Kara explains that we don’t keep any food in our car or tent, nothing that has a scent so lotions, shampoos and even makeup get locked in this metal box contraption and kept away from our camp area. I decide right now that if I survive this trip, we won’t be friends anymore.
The further we get and the more snow that comes down I can’t help but get excited. I make her pull over into a lookout spot. I hop out and find myself twirling in the snow, sticking my tongue out and catching it. I hear Adaleigh giggle and run over and get her out of the car. We run in circles laughing and it hits me. In this moment I am living, I feel joy, excitement, happiness and it isn’t crippling me. I hear Kara snapping pictures and then Adaleigh and I pose for a few. Camping wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t something that I ever care to repeat in my life. I was cold, dirty and genuinely not a ‘happy-camper.’
My days are dwindling down, and I leave in two days. Tomorrow night we are all going out but tonight Noah is taking me on a date. We have spent a lot of time together and it seems so natural, I am at ease with him and everything flows. I don’t love him, but I think I could. He takes me to his parents’ house because they are out of town. Out on the deck he has a table set up with food, wine, candles and flowers. It is so romantic and thought out, I am in awe. After dinner we get in the hot tub and the dreaded conversation starts.
“I don’t want you to leave, Paisley,” he is so sad.
“I don’t want to either, but I have to. Noah, I never expected to meet you, let alone develop feelings for you. I don’t know what to do.”
He kisses me hard and I think it is to silence me; he doesn’t want to hear that this is the end. Things become heated and when he strips my bathing suit off me, I don’t tense, I don’t think and allow my feelings to pour from me. Our encounter wasn’t passionate but was sensual and exquisite. He worshiped every inch of me with his hands and when we finally came together it felt right. I had always held a piece back during everyone but Jake, except this time. I enjoyed the emotional connection I gave into, I felt cherished and beautiful for the first time in a long time. As I was lying in Noah’s arms, I came to a rash decision. “Noah, I am moving here. When I get home, I am putting my house up for sale, and I will make it work.” His career in rescue was here; I could make a life anywhere. This is what I said I was going to do after graduation, find a place and start over. I never did, but now I have a reason to. Noah has become my new reason. He is in disbelief and stares at me for an agonizingly long time before he takes me in his arms and makes love to me again.
I tell Kara about my decision the next morning and she seems hesitant. “I thought you would be happy, we would be back together again.”
“I am, I miss you so much and Adaleigh will be thrilled. I just hate you making another life changing decision based on a guy.”
“I know it seems that way, but honestly, it is everything You, Noah and Adaleigh together. I thought you liked me with Noah.”
“For a fling, not an eternity.” That was harsh and we start our last night together for a few months very tense. The alcohol quickly infuses our body and our drama from earlier is forgotten. When ‘First Time’ by Lifehouse plays and I find myself in Noah’s arms, I don’t doubt anything. I look over and see Kara wipe a tear and I think she finally believes this is the right decision.
Telling my mom the next day didn’t cause any waves. Again, as long as she is part of the decision or at least felt like I was consulting her she was fine with whatever I did. I worked like crazy the next few weeks, turning in my resignation, packing up my belongings, and listing the house. Adaleigh and I went to the movies and parks but never the beach. That was one place I didn’t go to anymore. I talked to Noah all the time and Kara checked in infrequently.
My house wasn’t selling and I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to move. I had to get special permission to stay in Canada for an extended time and Kara’s mom being headmistress at the college helped. I had to enroll in a few classes and I chose some accounting courses. Two weeks before I was scheduled to move, my step dad came up with a solution. He had always wanted to buy and rent houses and make an investment out of it, so my house was the first one. I couldn’t believe I was making a huge step in life and it was all my doing.
Kara arrived and we did our going out and drinking and she seemed to come out of her funk and was almost normal, the drive to Canada took us three days and those are memories I will forever carry with me. Noah is waiting at the rental house I found on line and I love it. Three bedrooms, two baths, and a huge piece of property. There is a built in fire pit outside and everyone is already planning parties here. The best thing is it fully furnished, dishes, towels, everything I need but my personal items. The front bedroom has bunk beds that we decide immediately will be for Adaleigh. Classes won’t start for me for a few months, right after the first of the year, and I will celebrate my twenty-second birthday with this group of people I am growing to love. Maybe you can start over, new beginnings and without chapters ending in your life you would never get to experience this.
Chapter 27
Jake
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.
I never thought I would be twenty-five and divorced. Divorce never figured into my future when I envisioned it. I should have never married Autumn and I have no idea who I was proving anything to. It started as proving something to myself that I could live without Paisley. I made the sacrifice and let her go so I couldn’t do anything to change that.
My lifeline to her was through my mom. The day she decided to cut that off I felt like she ripped my air supply out. Paisley never cut off the social media with my mom, so I could see her that way. I would stare at my mom’s account forever, soaking up all the tidbits of information I could find on her timeline.
She has been partying a lot which is out of character for her, but people change. Autumn always knew she was a substitution for Paisley. I can’t call her a replacement because nobody will ever replace the part of my soul she owns. After three years we just couldn’t make it work. She has moved back home to Florida and I wasn’t sad to see her go. It was a huge relief.
I came by my mom’s to let her know some decisions I have made. I want to let her know I am leaving the security firm and starting college. I want to become an engineer. I thought working with my dad was my dream and I have gotten to do everything I wanted, but my secret hope was it would bring my dad and I closer and it has done nothing to change that relationship.
Walking into the kitchen, I am the one who gets a shock. Blown up on the laptop is a picture of Paisley and some guy. The smile and look on her face is reminiscent to some of the pictures I have of us. She is truly happy, and that is what I wanted but damn if it doesn’t feel like someone has hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat. She hasn’t looked like that in almost five years and now staring back at me is the girl I fell in love with; the girl I watched die slowly in front of me.
“What’s that, Mom?”
“She moved to Canada.”
“What?”
“Yes, that is where Kara was. She met this gentleman here and is happy, Jake. I can’t believe it. I never gave up on you two, even when you both did. I never saw her happy or in a lasting relationship and I was waiting for you to get your head out of your ass with Autumn and I really thought you would go after our girl. Now, it is too late.” Hearing the despair and seeing the pain on my mom’s face, I am sure it mirrors mine. I would have never voiced those wishes out loud, but I dreamt the same thing. I never thought I would actually have to say good-bye for real.
I was mistaken; it looks like that door has shut for good. As long as she wasn’t happy, or moving on I always selfishly held out hope, but now that hope is gone and settled in is fate. Fate can be a bitch when she wants to.
Chapter 28
Paisley
(Noah)
You want to believe that there's one relationship in life that's beyond betrayal. A relationship that's beyond that kind of hurt. And there isn't.
I can’t believe the transition has been so simple. Adaleigh spends a lot of time with me, Kara has kind of slipped back into her partying mode now that I am here to pick up her slack and care for her daughter. She tends to avoid spending time with Noah and me unless it is in their search and rescue training. Jamie isn’t involved in it so I find myself hanging out with him and he is becoming one of my best friends. He reminds me of Jake on me about my smoking but he does it out of concern, and not control. Noah is spending more time at my house than at his own and we have talked about moving in together. Nothing is finalized, it has only been about six weeks, but I find myself happy, truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have the ‘what if’ questions of Jake and I anymore, and I think I have fully moved on. I know I will never forget him and he will always own a piece of my heart; I gave it to him willingly and don’t want to erase that part of my past. He was once the most important part of my life, and now I realize I how unhealthy that is. I have to be the most important person to me and my happiness does matter. I am slowly learning to express myself and learn and grow on my own.
Noah and I’s birthday are only a week apart and we are doing a joint party in town. He will be twenty-three and I will be turning twenty-one. Finally legal, but I have done so much drinking it doesn’t mean the same thing. Kara is whining about spending my actual birthday with just her, and no Noah allowed. I don’t know what her issue is, but I relent. I feel like it is Krista and Jake all over again, and I have to nip it in the bud before I am ripping myself in two, yet again. I make some Jell-O shots and Kara and I settle in for a girl’s night.
“What is up with you and Noah?” I ask her, there is no more beating around the bush and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Kara, innocent has never been your thing, so don’t try playing it. You seemed like you were happy for me and I don’t know what has changed.”
“I am happy for you. I am jealous. I hate admitting that but I am. When you went home for the summer and everyone was over at my house, Noah saw the pictures I took of you camping. The one with you smiling and catching snowflakes on your tongue. He sat there for fifteen minutes, staring at that picture and the love radiated off him. He stole it from me and I want that for me. It doesn’t make it right, but that is it. I don’t want to lose you again to another relationship. I know you juggle your time and we are all together anyway but I want what you have. You have had it twice now, and I just want it once.”
“Kara, you had it with Tristan. Granted, he wasn’t honest with a lot of things, but you were cheating on your husband and basically him. You think sex and drinking hides your issues, but they always come back in the morning. You need to find what makes you happy. You seemed to find that before I moved here and I don’t want to ruin things for you. I am happy here, but you are my best friend. You have been there for me and I am your family. I want to celebrate life with you, the good and the bad but you can’t put stipulations on that. I don’t want to hide that I am falling in love with Noah; I don’t want to separate my time between y’all. I did that with Krista and Jake and you see how that turned out.” I see her flinch when I remind her of that disastrous night.