Pieces of Us (18 page)

Katie

T
hese are the things I can never tell him.

That day I went home with Chris and Ethan, I wasn’t drunk. I had no excuse.

They took turns. They took their time. They told me to say I liked it. They pinched me if I wasn’t wearing the Pyramid Girl smile. So I smiled. The whole time. Ethan only asked for oral (because he had a girlfriend and he wasn’t a cheater). I did it. Chris touched me. They both made me tell them they were the best I ever had. My voice caught. The smile fell off. They said that’s all I had to say and we’d be done. I could press
erase
. I put the smile back on and said it. They gave me the phone, and I deleted all of it. Gone, gone, gone.

Alex asks me now, eyes scared: “We’re good then? Nothing else you want to tell me, right?”

I stare into his eyes. He thought I was a virgin when we did it. I didn’t miss the fear in his eyes when he thought I was going to tell him too much. I remember how he looked at Jasmine.

“That’s all you would really want to hear,” I say, my voice still cracking.

He pulls me closer to him. Strokes my hair. Calls Marissa a whore. Tells me I’m special. Tells me everything that I want to hear. But he never says I’m wrong, that he really does want to know everything and will love me just the same.

Kyle

W
hen you think of Julie, you waver between happiness and apprehension. When you only think of her face, her fingers in yours, her jokes, that’s when it’s easy. When you think of the night the two of you spent together at her house, the night that felt so good but where you couldn’t sleep for hours after she had fallen asleep, where you stayed in her bed, staring at the ceiling, drenched in cold sweat, thinking it shouldn’t have been so easy, trying to figure out why, even though Alex didn’t make you, even though she wanted to touch you like that, you still felt scared and dirty. When you think of that night, you want to tell her maybe the two of you are making a mistake, maybe you should slow things down.

Then you think of her face the next morning, of the way she held you tight like she needed you, of how giddy and
secure
she felt, not the Julie of the green bathing suit, and you know you can’t say that. Know you have to just focus on the happiness, know that you just have to get past your anxiety because it will be worth it in the end.
She
is worth it.

So today, Valentine’s Day, the day you can make everything perfect for her, you do. You go all out. You send balloons to her house. Big, red, heart-shaped ones, and six roses—one for each month you’ve been together. You imagine the look on Mrs. Taylor’s face (the Ice Queen, you call her) when she sees that all these things are for Julie, and you know it will mean that much more. But that isn’t all. You got Chloe’s number off Julie’s cell and told her you wanted to buy six heart-shaped lollipops the student council was selling. She was more than happy to tell you how to do that. You played the super boyfriend card and told Chloe about the surprises you were sending to Julie’s house. You could hear Chloe clapping her hands over the phone. “I can’t wait until Julie’s bitch of a mom sees all this stuff. God, you’re like the best boyfriend ever. Any more of you at home?”

“Nope. My mom decided two angels were enough.” And a part of you thought she should have just stopped at the first creation.

“Well,” said Chloe, “your mom must be cool to help you pay for all these things.”

“Something like that.” But your mother doesn’t know you’ve been pocketing her cash instead of spending it on food. Your dinners for the last few weeks have been a slice of pizza, an order of fries, or one burrito. You asked them to throw in extra plates and napkins so you could jam the trash and make it look like you’ve been eating. But you don’t feel bad. You figure it’s the least she can do for you. She can spend years paying you back and it still won’t be enough. Not enough for your father and not for what Alex became after he died.

Katie

M
y school is abuzz with I love you’s and the sounds of kissing. I pass Ethan and Marissa, hands all over each other, at his locker. She’s holding a basket of red lollipops, and when she sees me staring she gives me the middle finger, but that doesn’t pause the kissing. In my head, I stick up my middle finger too.

Julie runs up to me before lunch, a bouquet of red lollipops in hand. “Can you believe Kyle?” she gushes, and I gush with her because she deserves to gush.

She looks at my empty hands. “I bet Alex sent you something at home.”

I shrug. “Maybe.” But in my head we’re already unraveling. He hasn’t talked or looked at me differently since the mall, but it’s like the air has shifted. Like the thing I was afraid of most, of our worlds colliding, of the earth, the sidewalks, the grass finally exploding with all their knowledge, has started.

Julie puts on a fake pout. “Oh boy. What’s with the gloom and doom, big sister? He’ll come through.”

“I know,” I say, with my fake cheer-happy face.

Julie doesn’t buy it. “Uh uh. You are not sulking.” And she drags me to the lunchroom where everyone is cuddling with their boyfriends and giving me their fake sympathetic faces. Julie plops down at my table like she belongs there, and Leah makes a face.

“What’s with the frosh?” she asks, sucking on her lollipop.

Julie snorts. Having a boyfriend has made her brave. “This frosh,” she says pointing to herself, “doesn’t want to miss what her sister’s hot-as-hell boyfriend got her for Valentine’s Day.”

Leah rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

And it’s like serendipity, because at that moment the cafeteria doors swing open and a secretary walks to our table, pizza box and heart balloons in hand. “Katie,” she says, nodding like she’s presenting me with the royal crown.

My lunch table stops talking. Julie bounces in her seat. I open the box and laugh. It’s a heart-shaped pizza, and
I LOVE YOU
is spelled out in pepperoni, and it’s dorky and so unlike Alex that I love it.

I share the pie with my table, even though only Julie deserves a slice. Even though they are fawning over the pie and telling me how lucky I am but are crazy jealous. “See?” Julie whispers. “Didn’t I tell you?”

“You did,” I say, taking a large bite of my slice. And it’s as if the earth stopped shaking, like the crack in the surface has closed itself up again.

Julie

~
Cherry Hill, NJ
~

G
irl,” says Chloe, “I gotta pee.” She’s bouncing from one foot to the other. “There’s no way I’m making it to the upstairs bathroom.”

She sprints to the bathroom by the lunchroom—the one in the upperclassman wing where no freshperson dares to tread. I follow her because there’s power in numbers, and because it’s after school and the chance of running into an upperclassman is smaller.

I don’t know what I expect to find there, but it’s nothing exciting. Same beige tiles as upstairs, same dirty mirrors. I try the soap dispenser. Ah, there’s the difference. The soap comes out on the first try without me having to whack the dispenser. The perks.

I hear the toilet flush, but Chloe doesn’t come out. “Chloe?”

She doesn’t answer, but I see her crouching down, then getting up and crouching down again by the other side of the toilet. “What are you doing?”

She finally opens the door, her face disbelieving.

“What? Are the rumors true? Are there monsters in the toilets?”

“You need to see this.”

“Sure, drama queen,” I laugh, and then she shows me, and I stop laughing.

The walls are covered with the words. Words about Katie. There are trees, oodles of trees surrounding them, trees I recognize from Katie’s doodles, but I can still make out all the names. “Fuck,” I whisper.

I go to another stall, and there are more. In black marker, in pink, in blue. Everywhere.

I hear another stall open. White cheerleader shoes walk out. She sees me and smirks. “I hope you’re learning something,” she says.

I don’t remember her name, but I know who she is. She sits at Katie’s lunch table. She’s below Katie on the pyramid. She’s dating Ethan. Marissa. She’s holding a red marker. It’s uncapped, and she doesn’t try to hide it. “Later, Katie’s sister,” she says, all confident, like she owns the world.

When she’s gone, I run to the stall she was in. There’s fresh red marker on the walls. More words. I grab a paper towel and put it under running water. I scrub at the fresh red but it only smudges a little. My scrubbing makes the words bigger. “Fuck!”

“Do you know why?” Chloe asks.

“How the hell would I know?” I shout at her.

“Jeez, chill. I didn’t write this stuff.”

I know she didn’t. It was that smirky, Pyramid Girl wannabe. But why? Is being Pyramid Girl
that
amazing? And why didn’t Katie tell me? How long has this been going on?

“Are you going to say anything to her?” Chloe asks.

“No. She obviously doesn’t want me to know.”

Chloe shrugs, but I know she’s just pretending to be cool and calm. “Girls can be so two-faced. I doubt it’s anything. At least no one in our grade ever uses this bathroom.”

At least there’s that.

Kyle

~
Philadelphia, PA
~

Y
ou don’t like South Street. Too noisy, too busy, too mobbed. So you take Julie somewhere better. There’s a marina, and it’s better at night with the boats lit up, but she’s not staying that long today.

You walk to the docks, fingers intertwined. It’s sixty degrees out, and your clasped hands emit just the right amount of heat. A warm breeze blows her hair off her face and you stop walking and kiss her.

She smiles, but you can tell she’s thinking about something else. “I don’t have the power I once did,” you say, a little afraid it may be true.

“No, silly. Those lips are ma-gi-cal. I’d show you just
how
magical if Dad hadn’t decided to pick
now
to stand up to my mother.” She pulls you to her and kisses you deep.

“And why doesn’t he want you to stay over?” you say when she lets you go.

She rolls her eyes. “I think he’s afraid we’re all getting too close.”

You can see that. At the marina, you watch boats sail and dock. Julie looks at them wistfully.

“You think those people appreciate what they have?” she asks.

You shrug. “Probably not.”

“Huh.” Then she’s quiet again.

“So what is it? Let me be a good boyfriend.”

She laughs. “You already are.” Then she tells you about Katie and the bathrooms. The words set your skin on edge. They twist your stomach. They make you fear what you always had.

“You can’t tell Alex,” you blurt out, and she looks at you like you’re crazy.

“Yeeeah,” she says, really slowly like you’re an idiot. “Because
that’s
what I was thinking.”

“Sorry. Of course you wouldn’t.” But the boats seem to be headed right at you and you think you’re going to pass out. You feel her staring at you.

“How is this about
you
?” She’s annoyed and you can’t answer her.

“Sorry,” you say again. You focus on the sound of the water, the ship horns, the plane overhead until you’re grounded again and back on the dock.

“
Anyway
, why do you think she never told me? Never mind,” she adds before you can think of something to say. “I know why. But why would anyone write that? I mean, it’s not like one wall or even one stall. It’s
all
walls in
all
the stalls. There’s like five lines about bitchy teachers and the rest is Katie.”

“Maybe she’s just jealous.” But you know there has to be more to it.

Julie nods. “Yeah, that’s what Chloe said.”

That Chloe is smart. You grab the lifeline. “Right. And didn’t you say that girl is dating Katie’s ex?”

Julie’s face lights up. “That’s it! Of course! Maybe she thinks Ethan liked Katie more. I mean, she
is
Pyramid Girl. Apparently that’s a big deal.”

You don’t want to hear her talk anymore. You pull her to a bench and kiss her until she only speaks back in tongue. There’s no one else there, and you let your hands roam over her clothes because you know this will stop all conversation. But you can’t really feel her through your numbness. And after a few minutes, Julie pulls away too.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ll make it up to you. I just can’t stop thinking about it. And this is going to sound awful, but you know what I keep wondering?”

You don’t want to know.

“I keep thinking, ‘Does everyone know? Did everyone see those stalls?’ And this is the worst part, but I wonder if that’s what they think about me? Like, when they see me, do they think, ‘There goes the whore’s sister?’”

You close your eyes.
Stop calling her that.

“What do you think?” she says, moving closer.

You think you’re not liking her very much right now. “I think you’re worried over nothing.”

She sighs. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. It’s just that things are better for me now. I have a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend, but someone super cool like you. And I just don’t need this. If people in my grade found out, I’d die, you know?”

“Stop worrying about it.” Your voice is tense. She’s being so unlike the Julie you think you know.

“Fine,” she snaps.

“Fine,” you say, but you don’t snap. You know that’s what she’s waiting for, but you don’t want the drama. You stare out to the water. She gives an exaggerated sigh, and you ignore it.

“My dad will be here soon,” she says.

You walk back home in silence, but you know she’s still thinking. With each stomp, with each kick of stone.

“You know,” she says when you’re almost home, “it’s not like I’m a horrible person or something. Normal people think like I do.”

You don’t agree, so you tell her what she probably already knows. “I guess I’m not normal.”