Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners

P O L Y A M O R Y I N

T H E T W E N T Y -

F I R S T C E N T U R Y

P O L Y A M O R Y I N

T H E T W E N T Y -

F I R S T C E N T U R Y

Love and Intimacy with

Multiple Partners

Deborah Anapol

Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

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Copyright © 2010 by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

All rights reserved
. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available
Anapol, Deborah.

Polyamory in the 21st century : love and intimacy with multiple partners /

Deborah Anapol.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4422-0021-0 (cloth : alk. paper)—ISBN 978-1-4422-0023-4

(electronic)

1. Nonmonogamous relationships. 2. Sexual ethics. 3. Open marriage.

4. Homosexuality—Psychological aspects. I. Title. II. Title: Polyamory in the twenty first century.

HQ980.A536 2010

306.84'23--dc22

2010014094

ϱ ™ The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Manufactured in the United States of America.

Printed in the United States of America

For the Next Generations

1
What Is Polyamory?

1

2
Who Chooses Polyamory, and Why?

19

3
The History of Polyamory

45

4
The Ethics of Polyamory

65

5
The Polyamorous Personality

87

6
The Challenge of Jealousy

105

7
Polyamory and Children

127

8
Coming-Out Issues

159

9
Cross-Cultural Perspectives

183

10
Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution 213

11
The Costs and Benefits of Polyamory

229

v i i

v i i i

C O N T E N T S

Notes 245

Selected Bibliography

253

Index 255

About the Author

271

I
have always characterized my position on polyamory as pro-choice rather than antimonogamy, but after thirty years as a participant observer in this strange new world, it’s more the case than ever that I really have no position on whether people in general “should” be monogamous or not. The fact is that it’s extremely rare to find anyone who has had only one sexual partner for his or her entire life. These days, it’s increasingly unusual to find anyone who has only had one “significant other” throughout his or her life. So the question is not so much whether to love more than one but rather whether it works better to have multiple partners sequentially or at the same time. There are definitely some people who are far better off taking it one at a time, and there are some situations that cry out for other possibilities. I’m continually amazed both by the ingenuity, courage, and vulnerability of people who have made their own bodies and hearts the center for an inquiry into the true nature of love and by the persistent self-deception, lack of integrity, and callousness that others justify by calling what they are doing polyamory.

My first teachers in the realm of conscious relationship, who happened to live in an extremely loving and functional group marriage, repeatedly cautioned me not to get caught up in the glamour of multipartner relating.

The form of the relationship is not so important, they would say. The form can change at any time. What counts is allowing love to dictate the form
i x

x

I N T R O D U C T I O N

rather than attempting to force love into whatever mold the mind has decided is right. It took me many years to fully understand the wisdom they were imparting, so I suppose it’s not surprising that I’ve found that this concept is the hardest thing to get across to people. Polyamory is less about how many people you’re having sex with, feeling love for, or both than it is about allowing love (not lust) to lead us into whatever form is appropriate.

Lisa Diamond’s concept of
sexual fluidity
, which is discussed in chapter 8, comes closer to the core of addressing what I was trying to convey when I first started writing about polyamory but that has often been overlooked both by those who apply the label
polyamorous
to themselves and by those who study or write about polyamory.

With a few notable exceptions, most authorities, whether their influence is spiritually based or scientifically based, still maintain that monogamy is superior to polyamory, or, in some cases they express the conviction that polyamory is simply unworkable. Often, there is a refusal to acknowledge polyamory as a viable option, and instead the entire discourse is framed as monogamy and infidelity. This kind of cultural bias has been dubbed
mononormativity
and is just beginning to be questioned by academic researchers. I admit that there have been times when I’ve been in the midst of a particularly challenging relationship dilemma when I’ve doubted the viability of multipartner relating myself, and I’ve watched many clients go through similar passages. I’m sure some monogamists also find themselves questioning whether monogamy is possible, although they are far more likely to find fault with themselves or their spouse than with the institution of marriage.

The main point is that it is not a question of whether it’s possible to have one partner or two or many or none but rather a question of whether to allow love to lead and to surrender to the direction that love chooses rather than surrendering to cultural conditioning, unruly emotions, peer pressure, or social censure. I, for one, cannot imagine loving any other way.

The truth is that when love (and I don’t mean lust, although this also applies to sexual desire) is freed from restrictions determined by law, by society, or by immature personalities, it very often veers from the monogamous standard our culture has sought, mostly unsuccessfully, to enforce. And so a practical discussion about polyamory inevitably ends up addressing the many startling aspects of multipartner or open relationships because it is this aspect of allowing love to lead that is unfamiliar and often difficult at first, as well as being sensationalist, intriguing, and sometimes dramatic.

I N T R O D U C T I O N

x i

This is not a how-to book, nor is it a manifesto for responsible nonmonogamy. Instead, it is a no-doubt flawed attempt to impartially convey some of what I’ve come to understand about the phenomenon now called polyamory. Having been involved in this world both personally and professionally over the past three decades, I like to think that I’ve gained an understanding and perspective that may be useful to others with less experience. Like everyone else, I was naive and poorly informed when I first became aware of alternatives to monogamy and the nuclear family in the early 1980s. As a result of my instrumental role in starting today’s global polyamory movement, some people have idealized me and put me on a pedestal, while others have demonized, criticized, challenged, or ostracized me.

For the past twenty-five years, I’ve led hundreds of seminars and coached thousands of individuals and partners all over the world who are struggling to reconcile conflicting urges toward monogamy and polyamory and who are seeking help in overcoming their jealousy. I’ve written books and articles, produced conferences, given countless media interviews, appeared on television, and cofounded a magazine. I’ve lived in both monogamous and open marriages, been part of the extended family of a group marriage and the “other woman” in the open relationships of several couples, and over the years evolved an intimate network of friends and lovers that is still deepening and expanding apart from my own involvement. I’ve also raised two children who are now adults and have two grandchildren. While I’m interested in men primarily romantically and erotically, I’ve had intimate friendships with women as well. I confess that pain and power games are major turn-offs for me personally, and while I can see the value some find in exploring bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism, at least for a limited time, it’s not an area I know firsthand. Nor have I any direct experience of the world of gay men or transsexuals. Some readers may find my overview of today’s global polyamory movement overly heterosexual or annoyingly vanilla, while others may find this departure from monogamous standards shocking. I make no apologies and mean no disrespect; I simply prefer to stick with those aspects of polyamory where I have confidence that the breadth and depth of my knowledge equals that of anyone alive today.

I’m convinced that the incidence of polyamory is far higher than anyone suspects because so many people keep their private lives private. It’s still the case that most people who are willing to speak out about their polyamorous lives or even stand up and be counted are activists. I often come
x i i

I N T R O D U C T I O N

into contact with people for reasons having nothing to do with polyamory or even sex or relationships for that matter, but when they find out that I’ve written books on polyamory and taught seminars, they share their secret lives with me. Others seek me out for help when their out-of-the-box relationships run into trouble because of my reputation as a relationship coach experienced with polyamory. These people seldom feel an affinity with the polyamorous community, may not even identify as polyamorous, and would certainly never consider talking to a journalist, not even anonymously. Consequently, the universe of people I’ve spoken to is somewhat different from that of investigators who’ve looked to the organized polyamorous community for information.

One of the reasons polyamory is at once appealing and threatening is that it brings to the forefront our cultural confusion about the interface between sex and love. In my first book,
Love without Limits
, which was published in 1992, I used the term
sexualove
to describe the integration of love and sex. However, we all know that sex can take place independently of love (even when we’re talking about romantic or erotic love) and vice versa. Furthermore, most people who ponder these things discover that they’re not entirely sure what the distinguishing features are for either sex or love. I’ve attempted to differentiate the qualities of love in my 2005

book
The Seven Natural Laws of Love
, but I find that, in practice, many people identifying as polyamorous are still confounding and compartmentalizing love and sex. While on the subject of sex, I feel it’s important to acknowledge that, except for a very brief mention, I’ve not addressed the topic of “safe sex” in this book. It’s an important subject that is worthy of greater consideration than is possible within the confines of this overview of polyamory; in fact, I feel that its relevance extends far beyond the world of polyamory. There are many books, articles, and websites devoted to this subject that can be easily accessed by those seeking either practical or scientific information.

In the 1980s, after the sometimes wild abandon and recklessness of the sexual revolution had died down and AIDS and campaigns for teenage abstinence took center stage, those who refused to retreat to monogamy tended to be a serious, introspective bunch. Eccentric, extraordinarily creative, intelligent or idealistic, and shaped by traumatic or unconventional childhoods, near-death experiences, and spiritual awakenings—in those days choosing nonmonogamy meant swimming upstream in a cultural context that had turned suddenly fearful and hostile to anything remotely associated
I N T R O D U C T I O N

x i i i

with free love. Polyamory was not something the average man or woman in the street was likely to go along with simply because it was trendy as is now beginning to be the case. Yet even in those days, three or four people in the middle of nowhere might accidentally fall in love with each other and quietly set out to build a life together. Before global Internet access, Google, and the Web made networking easy, such people were isolated and often imagined that they were the only ones in the whole world who’d discovered that love can be shared with more than one significant other.