Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (47 page)

sexuality, sacred; Tantra

Radical Honesty
(Blanton), 62–63

Robinson, Jeanne, 226

Ramey, James, 56–57

Robinson, Marnia, 11–12

Reich, Wilhelm, 198

Rogers, Carl, 75

relational identity.
See
polyamory;

Rossman, Michael, 34–36

relationship orientation

Roy, Della, 54, 55, 71

relationship anarchy, 5, 17, 48–49, 185, Roy, Rustum, 54, 55–56, 71

205–7

Rudhyar, Dane, xiv, 227

relationship longevity: as old-paradigm

Russell, Bertrand, 75

value, 68; sexual exclusivity and, 71

relationship orientation as continuum,

Sacred Land, Sacred Sex

163–64

(LaChapelle), 236

relationships: as dynamic by nature,

Sacred Secrets: The Sanctity of Sex in

37–38; ecology of intimate, 16–18;

Jewish Law and Lore
(Winkler), 72

old-paradigm
vs.
new-paradigm, 6;

safe sex, xii

talent for intimate relating, 99–100.

same-gender marriage, 181

See also
specific topics

Sandstone Retreat, 55–56

religions: Baha’i, 73; Buddhism, 73–74, Sanford, Mark, 77

189, 217; Chisti Order (Sufi), 73;

Sappho, 184

Church of All Worlds, 50–51;

Scandinavian affinity for polyamory, 205

contemporary Judaism, 71–72;

science fiction, 50–51

Eastern, 72–75; Mormon polygamy,

science used to defend harmful

46–47, 179–80; paganism, 50–51,

beliefs, 112

147; Unitarian Universalist Church,

Secret Dalliance, 217–19

52

“secret therapy affair,” 171

religious beliefs, 47; aggressive gods

self-acceptance and “coming out” to

and punitive sexual mores, 236;

oneself, 160–61

and ethics of polyamory, 70–75;

self-actualizing polyamorists, 21–26

Muslim, 67, 73, 178, 192; in Oneida

self-awareness, 65–66, 99; “coming

Community, 46.
See also
Christian

out” and, 174–75; jealousy and, 123

2 6 7

self-disclosure: by Europeans, 203–4;

sexuality, sacred, 55, 236.
See also

old-
vs.
new-paradigm values

ritual, erotic; Tantra

concerning, 69

sexual morality.
See
morality

self-esteem, 100

sexual orientation: on continuum, 163–

self-knowledge and agreements, 78–79

64.
See also
bisexuality; gay, lesbian,

serial monogamy, 5, 7, 12, 140, 163,

bisexual, transgendered, and queer

240, 242

(GLBTQ) people

“serial polygamy,” 12, 163

sexualove/sexualoving: defined,

serotonin, 11

xii; diversity in, 167; in intimate

The Seven Natural Laws of Love

networks, 17; multiple partners

(Anapol), xii, 70, 237–40

and, 14; and polyamory as spiritual

sex and love addiction, 26–33

practice, 22; polyamory-monogamy

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

continuum and, 163, 164;

(SLAA), 31

polytheistic cultures and the power

sex drives, unequal, 40–42

of, 220–21; seen as scarce under old

sex positivity, 102

paradigm, 175; sexual orientation

sex role stereotypes, changing, 243–44

continuum and, 163, 164; and

sexual addiction.
See
sex and love

sharing of resources, 242; and

addiction

transformation, 227; in triads, 18

sexual arousal and jealousy, 107–8,

sexual revolution: first wave of, 48–50;

112

second American, 53–56; Sheff,

sexual ethic, new, 76–82

Elisabeth, 128–32

sexual exclusivity: case material, 38–40; “Shine the Light of Television into equated with commitment and

Your Closet” (exercise), 176–77

fidelity, 67; forbidden in Oneida

Sky Walking Woman, 221

community, 46; freely embraced,

Smith, Joseph, 47

4; genetic programming and, 7–8;

Smith, Robert, 224

jealousy and, 108, 117; in primates,

social monogamy and lack of sexual

223; Robert Francoeur on, 71; as

exclusivity, 7–8

socially learned expectation, 113,

social sanctions, 231

232.
See also
jealousy; monogamy

Song, Sonia, 24, 186, 190–91

sexual fluidity, x, 165–67

sperm competition, 40; and sperm

sexual freedom, 5, 48, 54, 55, 191, 193,

competition avoidance, 223–24

196, 222

Spider Robinson, 226

Sexual Freedom League Defense

spirituality, 92–94, 96–98; nature-based,

Fund, 147–48

233; nondenominational, 75.
See also

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and

mythology; religions; religious beliefs;

Education Fund, 181

sexuality, sacred; Tantra

sexual friendship, 62, 168

“Spiritual Partnership” (Nancy), 22

sexual identity.
See
identity

“spiritual wifery,” 47

2 6 8

spontaneity, 102–3

team spirit, 102

stability: advantages of monogamy and

Teilhard de Chardin, Pierre, 226

polyamory in promoting, 36–38; as

television programs, 47, 56, 156–57

old-paradigm value, 68

Ten Canoes
(film), 208

Stardance
(Robinson and Robinson),

territorial instinct, 113–14

226

testosterone, 10, 11

Starhawk, 51

therapist(s): assistance with “coming

status quo as old-paradigm value, 68

out” issues, 174, 176; assistance with

stepfamilies, 127

managing jealousy, 123; attitudes

Stone, Merlin, 218–19

towards polyamory, 63, 170–71;

Strange Bedfellows
(Barash and

“coming out” to one’s, 170–71

Lipton), 8

Thich Nhat Hanh, 74

Stranger in a Strange Land
(Heinlein), Thomas, Peter, 41–42

50–51

Three in Love
(Foster, Foster, and

submission.
See
dominance

Hadady), 217

“Summer Camp” (Network for a New

Thursday My Love
(Rimmer), 52

Culture), 199

Thurston, Leslie Temple, 219

support for all involved in a

time management and coordination

relationship, as new-paradigm

challenges, 232–33

value, 68

Transcendentalist movement, 47–48

sustainability, family structures and, xiv

transgendered people.
See
gay, lesbian,

Sweden, 206–7

bisexual, transgendered, and queer

Swiftdeer, Harley, 221

(GLBTQ) people

swinging, 21–22, 95, 196–97;

trauma, managing, 41–42

polyamory and, 13–16.
See also

triads, 18; happy, in Hindu and

nonmonogamy

Buddhist mythology, 217.
See also

Swingtown
(television program), 56,

group marriage; “V” relationship

156–57

structure

Switzerland, 201–2

triangle, parental: healthy dyadic

symbiotic reason, 234

dynamics and, 216–17; jealousy

systematic desensitization and jealousy,

and, 119–21

125–26

trinity(ies), 214–17; Christian and

Hindu religious beliefs on, 215;

Takahashi, Hidehiko, 106

three as the number of synthesis,

Talese, Gay, 56

214–17

Tamera, 200

trust, 76–77

Tantra, 55, 134, 192, 202–3, 218; John

Tseng, Muna, 218

Humphrey Noyes and, 46, 48;

Robert Rimmer and, 52–53.
See

unconditional love: as new-paradigm

also
Khajuraho

value, 68; polyamory as training

Taoist texts on lovemaking, 218

ground for, 237–40

2 6 9

Understanding NonMonogamies

White, Valerie, 181

(Barker), 204

Widmer, Samuel, 130, 201–2

“The Union of Sex and Spirit”

Wik, Stephan, 201

(conference), 54, 55

Wilber, Ken, 225–26

Unitarian Universalist Church, 52

Williamson, Barbara, 55

United Kingdom, political and

Williamson, John, 55

anarchistic flavor of polyamory in,

Winkler, Gershon, 72

204–7

women, 204; competition among, 120;

unity, law of, 238–39

independence and, 48, 49, 94; in

upaya
(skillful means), 74

India, 191–92, 196; neural response

to jealousy, 106; quintessential

values: form
vs.
values in relationships,

polyamorous, 89–94; sexual identity

3–5; old-and new-paradigm, 67–70.

as fluid in, 165–67.
See also
case

See also
ethics; morality; religious

histories; gender differences

beliefs; sexual ethic

women scientists’ observations of

vasopressin, 10, 11

animals, contrasted with men

violence: case material, 28; domestic,

scientists’ observations, 8

28, 111–12; jealousy and, 111–12,

women’s rights, 48–50

114, 117, 224; neurobiology of

Woodhull, Victoria, 49–50

pleasure and, 235–37

“V” relationship structure, 17, 182,

Xanthyros community, 37

209.
See also
group marriage; triads

Young, Brigham, 47

Walston, Jasmine, 43–44

Walum, Hasse, 11

ZEGG community, 150–52, 184,

Waskow, Arthur, 71–72

198–200

Weitzman, Geri, 170

ZEGG forum, 199

West, Celeste, 61

Zell, Morning Glory, 1, 50–51

When God Was a Woman
(Stone),

Zell, Oberon, 1, 50–51

218–19

zero population growth (ZPG), xiv

Deborah Anapol
attended Barnard College, graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of California at Berkeley, and received her PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Washington in 1981.

Dr. Anapol is a relationship coach who has specialized in working with people exploring polyamory and conscious relating for nearly three decades. She leads seminars internationally and is an entertaining and controversial speaker who has appeared on radio and television programs all across the United States and Canada. She has raised two daughters and has two grandchildren. Visit her in cyberspace at www.lovewithoutlimits.com.

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• CONTENTS
  
• INTRODUCTION
  
• Chapter 01. WHAT IS POLYAMORY?
  
• Chapter 02. WHO CHOOSES POLYAMORY, AND WHY?
  
• Chapter 03. THE HISTORY OF POLYAMORY
  
• Chapter 04. THE ETHICS OF POLYAMORY
  
• Chapter 05. THE POLYAMOROUS PERSONALITY
  
• Chapter 06. THE CHALLENGE OF JEALOUSY
  
• Chapter 07. POLYAMORY AND CHILDREN
  
• Chapter 08. COMING-OUT ISSUES
  
• Chapter 09. CROSS-CULTURAL PERSPECTIVES
  
• Chapter 10. POLYAMORY IN MYTH, ARCHETYPES, AND HUMAN EVOLUTION
  
• Chapter 11. THE COSTS AND BENEFITS OF POLYAMORY
  
• NOTES
  
• SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY
  
• INDEX
  
• ABOUT THE AUTHOR