Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (46 page)

jealousy and, 106–7

122–26; Mazur’s five types of,

integrity, 65–66; new sexual ethic and,

117–19; as means of passing on

80–81

genetic information, 110–11; in

intelligence in polyamorous people,

monogamous
vs.
polyamorous

103

relationships, 105–6; nature
vs.

intensity: love for, 101; managing,

nurture arguments concerning,

40–41

113–14; need for control and, 107;

Internet, role of, xiii, 2

negotiation and, 124–25; neural

2 6 2

response to, in men
vs.
women,

Ley, David, 40, 41

106; overcoming, 113; parental

Lichtenfels, Sabine, 200

triangle and, 119–21; power

line marriage, 57

struggle and, 124; self-awareness

Linssen, Leonie, 201

and, 123; as single phenomenon

Lipton, Judith Eve, 7–9, 230

with many triggers, 116; somatic

Li Yin He, 189

experience/discomfort of, 105,

love, 234; allowed to expand without

107–8, 116; spiritual dimension of,

expectations, 1; brain and, 10–12;

122; systematic desensitization and,

future of, 226–27; honesty and, 62–

125–26; triggers of, 116–19.
See

63; laws of, 238–40; new paradigm

also
competition; infidelity

for, 5–6, 237–40; relationship form

Jud, Gerald, 54, 55

and, ix–x, 4, 5; sex and, xii; sex and

Judaism, contemporary, 71–72

educating children about, 134–36,

141–43, 146–47, 151–53; Sonia

Katie, Byron, 38–40, 75

Song on, 190.
See also
paradigm

Kennedy, Jivana, 152–53

shift

Kerista Village, 57–58, 153

love addiction.
See
sex and love

Khajuraho, India, temple art of, 73,

addiction

191, 192

Lovelock, James, 233

Kirkridge Conferences, 53, 54, 55

Love Unlimited: The Joys and

Komaja community, 202–3

Challenges of Open Relationship

Kramer, Joseph, 62

(Linssen and Wik), 201

Love You Two
(Pallotta-Chiarolli), 131

LaChapelle, Dolores, 236

Loving More Conferences, 60

law, polyamory and the, 178–82;

Loving More
magazine, 53, 59, 59–61,

“dyadic networks”
vs.
“all-with-all”

60, 61; polyamory survey in 1990s,

marital legislation, 181–82; India’s

43–44

Hindu Marriage Act, 191; Muslim

loyalty, 68–69

arguments for plural marriage, 73,

178–79; poly community opinions

Mahabharata
, 73; polyandry in, 218

on legalization, 180–81; renegade

“mainstream polyamory”
vs.

Mormons and case in Canada,

relationship anarchy, 206–7

179–80

Makaja, 203

legal issues, 178–82, 191

Mali, Raj, 194

Lesbian Polyfidelity
(West), 61

Margulis, Lynn, 223, 233

lesbians.
See
gay, lesbian, bisexual,

Marriage: complex, 45–47; line, 57;

transgendered, and queer

Muslim arguments for plural,

(GLBTQ) people

73, 178–79; same-gender, 181;

Lessin, Alex, 42

traditional, as floundering, 2.
See

Lessin, Janet, 42

also
group marriage; open marriage/

Lesvos (Lesbos), Greece, 183–84

open relationship;
specific topics

2 6 3

Marsh, Amy, 33–36

reluctance to “come out poly,” 160,

Maslow, Abraham, 55

161.
See also
“coming out”

Masters, Robert, 37–38

Moore, Thomas, 105

mating patterns in humans and other

morality: of polyamory, 66–67; sexual,

animals, 6–10.
See also
animals;

67, 75, 76–82, 236; as synonym for

bonobo chimpanzees; primates

sexual sobriety, 67.
See also
ethics;

matrilineal societies, 110

religious beliefs; values

maturity, 37–38; adolescent

moral neutrality of polyamory and

perspective on, 136, 139

monogamy, 70–71

Mazur, Ron, 117

Mormon polygamy, 46–47, 179–80

McFadden, Cyra, 56

multiple-partner sex: bonding and,

men, quintessential polyamorous,

236; in Chinese and Indian

94–99; common characteristics of,

mythology, 217–19

94.
See also
case histories

multitasking, ability for, 100

ménage à trois, 217

The Myth of Monogamy
(Barash and

Meyer-Stoll, Ina, 199–200

Lipton), 7–8, 230

monogamous people in polyamorous

mythology, 213–15, 217–18, 220–22.

relationships, 26–29, 38–40, 115

See also
specific religions

monogamous
vs.
polyamorous

relationships, resilience to ethical

nature
vs.
nurture, 113–14

lapses in, 65–66

near-death experiences, 42

monogamy: compared with

Nearing, Ryam, 59–61

monocropping in agriculture, 16;

negotiation and jealousy, 124–25

as conscious choice, 87; emotional,

Netherlands, 201

14; fidelity and, 12–13; freely

Network for a New Culture (NFNC).

chosen
vs.
enforced, xiii, 36–37,

See
“Summer Camp”

230; lifelong, as more mirage than

neurobiology of pleasure and violence,

reality, 2; mature
vs.
immature, 37,

235–37.
See also
biological

38; research on alternatives to, xiv,

processes underlying behavior

xv; with secret affairs, 5.
See also

neurotransmitters and love, 10–12

mononormativity; serial monogamy

The New Intimacy
(Mazur), 117–19

monogamy, polyamory and: false

“new relationship energy” (NRE), 121;

dichotomy between, 163–65;

addiction to, 29–31; jealousy and,

healthy, 84–85; moral neutrality of,

119

70–71; unhealthy, 82–83

New Zealand, 208

mononormativity, x, 2, 113, 169,

Nicholls, Graham, 205–6

175; and the double life, 172;

nonmonogamous people with

and ignoring evidence that other

monogamous partners, 29, 38–40,

lovestyles are natural, 213; and

115

monogamy as “acceptable label,”

nonmonogamy: of Biblical

172; origin of term, 197; and

patriarchs, 67; children and, 128;

2 6 4

communication skills and, 40;

arrangements, 128; supportive of

in communities, 53; consensual,

polyamorous lifestyle, 145.
See also

53, 204; gay men and, 61, 62, 198;

case histories; family

history of, xii, 45; living traditions

“partnership culture”
vs.
“dominator

of, in remote places, 208; sacred

culture,” 69, 81–82

sexuality and, 55; stigma associated

“passing” for monogamous, 165,

with, 12, 160; swinging as sexual

167–69

nonmonogamy with emotional

paternity, biological: jealousy and,

monogamy, 14; through most of

108–12; matrilineal societies and,

human evolution, 111.
See also

110; varying degrees of regard for,

extramarital sex; polyamory; swinging

110–11, 222

Nordgren, Andie, 17, 206–7, 219

patriarchal polygamy.
See
polygamy,

norepinephrine, 10, 11

patriarchal

norms, cultural.
See
cultural norms

PEPCON, 60

Noyes, John Humphrey, 45–46, 49

Perel, Esther, 36–38, 185–86

“N” relationship structure, 182

personality, polyamorous, 87–89

nuclear family.
See
family

personality traits and polyamory,

99–103; ability to multitask, 100;

obsessive behavior, 27, 28

accountability, 103; appreciation

Oneida Community, 45–47, 49, 57–58

for diversity, 101; commitment to

O’Neill, George, 71

growth, 102; flexibility, creativity,

O’Neill, Nena, 71

and spontaneity, 102–3; high

Open Marriage
(O’Neill and O’Neill),

intelligence, 103; high self-esteem,

71

100; independent streak, 101; love

open marriage/open relationship, 5,

for intensity, 101; sex-positivity,

16–17, 23–24, 89–92; children and,

102; talent for intimate relating,

128–29

99–100; team spirit, 102.
See also

Osho, 73, 92–93; on monogamy and

communication skills

love, 152–53, 193–94; ZEGG and,

Petty, Marion, 149

150, 152, 198

phenylethylamine, 10

oxytocin, 10–12; bonding and, 235

pheromones, 10

Phil Donahue Show
, 59

paganism, 50–51, 147, 233

Pichler, Sina, 181–82

Pallotta-Chiarolli, Maria, 131–32

Pieper, Marianne, 197

paradigm shift, 81; in relationships, and

pilagshut
(“half marriage”), 72

relationship values, 66–71, 104, 167;

Planetary Initiative for the World We

in sexualoving, 175.
See also
love,

Choose, xiii–xiv

new paradigm for

pleasure: in animals, 235–36; in bonobo

parents and relatives: “coming out”

chimpanzees, 225; Charles Fourier

to, 44, 174; with nonmonogamous

and, 48; as core new-paradigm value,

2 6 5

69; neurobiology of violence and,

polyamory community: extent and

235–37; symbiosis and, 234

limits of, xii; is not representative

polarity, 219; active
vs.
receptive, as

of all polyamorists, 42–43

independent of gender, 220; in

polyamory, costs and benefits of,

sexual intimacy, 104

60, 229–33; benefits affect whole

polyamorists: concerns of, 44; as last

culture whereas costs affect

sexual “minority” to come out, 161;

individuals involved, 229; change

mental health and relationship

and emotional upheaval, 232;

quality of monogamists and, 88;

rejection by family, neighbors,

mores of, in Europe
vs.
United

friends, and coworkers, 231; social

States, 184–85, 205–6.
See also

sanctions, 231.
See also
jealousy

specific topics

Polyamory Europe Facebook group,

polyamorous communities, 148–56,

184

184; transformational role of

polyamory movement, Anapol’s role

bonding in, 227.
See also
specific

in, xi

communities

polyamory researchers: prejudice

polyamory: conferences on, 53–55, 59–

against, 172–73

60, 197; cultural context of, xii–xiii;

polyandry: defined, 7; in

definition(s) of, 1–3; definition as

Mahabharata
, 218

“fluid,” ix–x, 166; demographics of,

“poly,” defined, 161–62

42–44, 163; and higher standard of

Polyfidelitous Educational

living with reduced consumption,

Productions (PEP), 59–60

242; history of, 45; ideology and

polyfidelity, 49, 57

substituting one “should” for

The Polyfidelity Primer
(Nearing), 59

another, 4–5; is difficult to do well,

polygamy, patriarchal: in China

230; “mainstream,”
vs.
relationship

and Hong Kong, 186–87;
vs.

anarchy, 206–7; motivations for

polyamory, 180.
See also
Mormon

choosing, 19–21, 43; negative

polygamy

stereotypes of, 160–61;
vs.

polygyny, 127, 162, 187; defined, 7

nonmonogamy, 45; origin of term,

Portugal, 200–201

1; prevalence of, xi–xii; price of,

positive regard as new-paradigm

230–33; as stabilizing force, 36–40;

value, 68

as uniquely human phenomenon,

possessive jealousy, 117

7; visibility of, 88, 167–69; who is

power struggle, 103–4; jealousy and,

polyamorous, 19–21, 161–63.
See

124

also
nonmonogamy; relationship

“power with”
vs.
“power over,” 81–82

anarchy

pre/post fallacy, 225–26

Polyamory: The New Love without

Prescott, James, 235–36

Limits
(Anapol), xii, 13, 54, 186,

primates, 226; bonobo chimpanzees,

194, 206

113–14, 224–25; size of male

2 6 6

genitals and mating habits, 223–

viewpoints/beliefs; ethics; morality;

24.
See also
animals

spirituality

Proposition 31
(Rimmer), 52

repressed memories, 42

reproduction, reduced role in human

queer-identified people, 219;

sexual behavior, 10

polyamorous activists, 61–62;

Rimmer, Erma, 52–53

preferred terminology of, 206.

Rimmer, Robert, 52–53, 55

See also
gay, lesbian, bisexual,

Ripley, George, 48

transgendered, and queer

Ripley, Sophia, 48

(GLBTQ) people

ritual, erotic, 236–37.
See also