Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (7 page)

“This is about loving a man who was and is a sex addict. It is a story that ends with loving myself for the first time ever. Into the wounded and forgotten places, into the hated cesspools that I had tried to paper over and pretend out of existence. Of course, I cannot know if there was another way I could have gotten where I am. I certainly wish that it had not been so painful, so depraved. I will never know what might have been had I not had this set of experiences.

“The relationship began with more hope than I had ever dared. Looking back, I can see now how frightened I really was. In hindsight, I can see scores of warning signs that I ignored, misinterpreted, reimagined to fit my high hopes that covered my desperation for enduring love. The external events and my reactions changed over the six years with this man. At first I reacted quickly; I was indignant, angry, fully expecting him to change his behavior. Surely I could show him these errors, and he would correct them. Right?

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“I later changed to defensive behaviors. This is the longest chapter of all—this is the place that I lost myself utterly trying to maintain a relationship that was much more in my head than in my life. Every day was so full of hurt and despair and calculated prevention that there was precious little of myself left in everyday life. Finally, I devolved to a conviction that this misery, this unremitting effort with horrific results, was going to be my entire life. He would never hear my agony, see the effects he was having upon me. If he could just know how much I was hurting, surely he would stop, I still hoped weakly. No one could be so cruel, could they? Surely my efforts would matter; this would all have a satisfactory ever-after ending, happy and glowing.

“For years, his compulsive flirtations, the online pornography, the obsessive masturbation in the shower, the dates with other women when he was out of town, the secretive seductions and ongoing attempts to have other lovers, sometimes successful, the “friendships” with coworkers and business associates kept me off balance. I worked with every ounce of ability I possessed (or could borrow from others) to contain this behavior. I was so desperate for help maintaining my relationship, I compromised my friendships, my values, my integrity and ultimately any shreds of respect for myself.

“Then, finally, he upped the ante. He announced he was going to spend the night with a ‘Tantra’ practitioner who was clearly besotted with him.

She sold her sexual services for money and called it Tantra. He had enticed her overtures, and she was one of those women who had a sad need to involve herself with unavailable men. She knew that we were living together and executed this rendezvous anyway. He was enthralled with her flattery, so much so that he responded to my pleas to not hurt me so deeply with threats of violence instead of empathy for the pain I was displaying. He had been violent in the not-too-distant past, so inward again went the humilia-tion, the pain. There was no more room, I could not hold another ounce of pain. In utter despair, with no way to stop the pain, I planned to commit suicide that night rather than have to be tortured one more minute. I had invested everything that I had into this relationship, and he was throwing me away and everything that I had worked diligently for six years for a night with a prostitute.

“So how did this begin? How did I come to this place? How did I go from having an admittedly interesting life to the precipice of suicide? What about all the in-between things that happened? There are places that I can explain with great fervor, and even a dash of humor, some sweeping geog-W H O C H O O S E S P O L Y A M O R Y , A N D W H Y ?

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raphies that can be described with grand dispassion, corners that remain shrouded to me still, and places that I will never ever, ever have the vantage place to see. There are places that are for others to define and shine light upon. There were places, dark and cavernous, that I fumbled through and emerged in spite of my lack of navigation skills or even the ability to see fifteen seconds into the future. I call those places grace. There are places that I revisited ad nauseam, ad infinitum, failing an astounding number of times to avoid because I was trying yet
another
fix/cure/technique/ploy to prevent the recurring addictive scenarios.”

Thelma’s story is the polar opposite of Nancy and Darrell’s, chock full of drama, manipulation, and misery. In addition to being a story about addiction, it’s a story about a woman who knows very clearly that she wants monogamy but is so desperate for love that she tries to tolerate an inconsiderate, nonmonogamous partner, hoping she can somehow change him.

Chances are she would not have gotten involved had she known he was unwilling to be monogamous, but by the time she found out, she was hooked.

Some individuals struggling with sex addiction behave more responsibly but still find healthy polyamorous relationships impossible.

Alex is a handsome, charismatic man in his late forties who is a professional entertainer. His outgoing personality, sexy voice, and boyish charm make him a magnet for women. When he first heard about polyamory ten years ago, he was newly single and fascinated. But after almost losing his new partner, Dawn, he decided he’d better take another look at his motivations for choosing polyamory. Dawn, like Thelma, tried valiantly to accept Alex’s desire for polyamory, but she heeded the red flags and the coaching I gave her to insist that Alex get his addictive behavior under control before agreeing to continue having an open relationship.

Alex recalls that “I immediately resonated with the concept of open, free sexual relationships that could foster deeper communication and intimacy.

I felt so at home in the poly community, and for the first time, I didn’t feel shame about desiring to love more than one. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had a huge need for the romantic intrigue associated with new relationships. It wasn’t so much the sex, although that part was great, but the high of being newly in love that just took me over. I was able to hide behind polyamory when what I was mostly looking for was escape from feeling I wasn’t enough. Once I started paying closer attention to what was going on inside me, I found out that as soon as I’d start feeling bad about myself, I’d drown my low self-esteem in a new infatuation.

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“For me, the idea of polyamory makes sense and feels right since I’d rather face my jealousy than force my partner to be monogamous. Plus, I like the idea of sharing my love and sexuality with more than one lover. I have a lot to give, and giving it just feels good. Dawn feels the same way about sharing love but not about facing her jealousy. For her, sharing love is a choice, but for me there seems to more of an uncontrollable drive for the excitement and emotional and sexual juice. I realized that for me it was not a simple choice only after destroying over a dozen beautiful love relationships, a business partnership, and a teen ministry largely because of my ‘need’ for poly freedom.

“When Dawn and I got together in 2000, we began to explore healthier, more conscious ways for me to get my poly desires met and not be addictive, inconsiderate, and compulsive. After over six years of emotional roller coasting, we both finally realized that I was not able to do poly in a healthy way since my addictive behaviors and emotional wounds always seemed to prevail. At that point, after an ultimatum from Dawn, I chose sobriety from poly life. Since then, the dramas have all but ceased along with all the shame that was associated with feeling out of control and hurting others.

In addition, my relationship with Dawn has deepened and recently gotten even more sexual and passionate. I do crave new sexual experiences from time to time, and all I have to do is think of the pain, chaos, and drama, and I’m back to happy sobriety.”

For Alex, polyamory did provide a context in which he was able to see that it was not so much the jealousy and possessiveness of his partner who was willing to selectively and responsibly include others into their intimacy, nor was it the judgments of society, which were essentially reversed in the polyamory community, that stood between him and his sexual freedom. Rather, he became aware for the first time that nonmonogamy was workable only if he could heal the childhood wounds that led him to compulsively lose control when he indulged in his “drug.” When he wasn’t

“high” on “new relationship energy,” Alex was an empathic and attentive partner. “It wasn’t like I could just be satisfied with two or three women and settle down. There was never enough, and I was always tempted by the next one. Dawn was okay with us dating and becoming intimate with other women; she enjoyed it up to a point, but she didn’t really want to live with another person. Cheryl did end up moving in with us, and it worked out fine for Dawn—the two of them loved it—but I was relieved when Cheryl hooked up with our friend Oscar and went to live with him.” Alex’s high-W H O C H O O S E S P O L Y A M O R Y , A N D W H Y ?

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level communication skills, team spirit, and playful creativity made him a natural for polyamory, but his addictive behavior sabotaged him every time. Alex, like Thelma, finally joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Similarly to its sister Twelve Step groups, Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, SLAA preaches abstinence (which in this case means monogamy rather than celibacy).

At one point, when Alex was having difficulty staying on the wagon, I suggested that it might be easier if he stayed out of “bars,” but he and Dawn so enjoyed the relaxed openness of poly friendly venues and the deep friendships they’d established that they continued to gravitate toward this community and eventually succeeded in establishing better boundaries.

While I’ve seen too much evidence that sexual addiction is as real as any other addiction to deny its existence, I’ve also observed that those who are the quickest to point the finger at others often have a tendency toward sex addiction themselves. I usually tell people that if they must have an addiction, sex, along with meditation, hatha yoga, and jogging, are relatively healthy ones in which to indulge. Sex itself is good for you, and great sex is very good for you, but the more euphoric and ecstatic the experience, the more temptation there can be to sell one’s soul to the devil. In my circles, people often joke about “meditation as medication,” and many spiritual teachers are now warning about the dangers of transitory transcendental states and experiences derailing the attainment of a more abiding but ordinary union with the Divine.

For Tanya, the allure of mind-blowing sex capable of transporting her to other realms kept her involved in a polyamorous relationship in which she resented being “a secondary” with none of the privileges, power, or status of a “primary partner.” Tanya is a mature, introspective woman in her early sixties. She initially consulted me with a complaint about her lover’s wife, Sheila. Her lover, Jerry, was in an open marriage when they met, and Tanya accepted this but objected to his spending every weekend with his wife, Sheila, because she “requires a sex partner every weekend, all weekend. Sheila has at least three other lovers besides him, and he’s fine with that, but I’m not. For Sheila, it’s all about her getting what she wants, and she wants virtually all of it. And we’re talking his money as well.”

Tanya was in a quandary because “Jerry has a loving affectionate heart, is highly sexed, and is totally present for me when I’m with him. What happens between us in the bedroom is profound. Last month, I went to a
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celestial plane of consciousness—a whole new level for me! He calls me often (but not often enough), tells me he loves me, brings me gifts, and is generally very accepting and easy to talk to, although certain subjects make him bristle. This is hands down the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m really happy to have him in my life, but I guess I’m getting jealous.”

Tanya easily accepted my coaching to forget about Sheila’s issues and concentrate on her own but was less able to hear my warning that she could be in for a rough ride if she thought this relationship was going to be about Jerry meeting her emotional needs. Some months later, Tanya was devastated when Jerry began neglecting her for a new woman. “Is it really a reflection on my self-worth, value, and dignity if he jumps into bed with so many other women while professing so much love for me?”

she wondered. “I can open my heart to loads of men, quite deeply, and yes, that often makes me drawn to them sexually, but I don’t have to sleep with them all. But maybe I shouldn’t be so fast to cast the first stone here; if the right person came along, I might want to do the same thing.

But this is hurting me. I know I’m doing it to myself, but I still haven’t gotten over it. He just left me in the dust when a new woman came along.

He gave her more time than he ever gave me; he was thoughtless, almost cruel. And when she dumped him, he came back to me. I took a breather and then opened the door again. He has never apologized. I have trust issues to begin with, and I’m pretty clear he has Asperger’s, and that doesn’t help because whenever I want to talk, he gets defensive, and then his anger kicks in, and then he has to shut down and leave because it takes hours for it to physically subside. So then it always becomes about him, and I never get heard.

“He never got how much he hurt me when he was chasing this other woman, how thoroughly he cast me aside, and that is always sitting underneath. And the little things add up and become bigger than the extraordinary sweetness and loving time we share. I think I could handle his being poly much more easily if it were more a matter of polyfidelity or even somewhat more equal.”

Tanya imagines that if only Jerry were not polyamorous, if only she were more of an equal partner or got equal time, everything would be fine. That doesn’t sound very likely to me, I tell her, but she continues to confuse herself by trying to make allowances based on the idea that he has a right to be polyamorous and that if she is spiritually correct and understanding enough, she can make it work. Why doesn’t she dump him if she’s suffer-W H O C H O O S E S P O L Y A M O R Y , A N D W H Y ?