Pretty Hate (New Adult Novel) (9 page)

“That don’t mean a thing,” Merry-Bell said and pushed her glasses up her nose. “He said he was coming and he is.”

My mother shook her head and took a sip of her drink.

“Merry-Bell, you ain’t never had another boyfriend, never even looked at another man. You sat in this house and wasted your whole life on a guy who went to prison for robbing a bank in Louisiana. He wrote you one letter...one letter in thirty-five years. He’s not coming,” my mother said.

“Well, somebody’s a fucking dream killer today, ain’t they?” Merry-Bell said and stuck her tongue out.

“You are a dream killer, you know,” I said and stared at her.

“I’m a goddamned realist! Besides, what dreams have you even had? Tell me, Beth. It seems that all you ever dreamt about was getting over the guy before, with the next.”

“Takes one to know one, Mama,” I said and sat up in my chair.

“What did you say to me?”

“You’re sitting here acting all superior as if your life is perfect. You automatically assume that Nicolas is going to fuck me over and you haven’t even met him. You’ve not even let me tell you what we’ve shared. You just make your mind up and that’s that. You talk about my longing for a man who will never come, you talk about Merry-Bell and James Barber? Funny thing is, you pine the longest.”

Merry-Bell looked at me and nodded.

“Mickey Sexual,” Merry-Bell said and sighed.

“Don’t you dare mention his name,” my mother said and pointed at Merry-Bell.

“Oh, that’s right,” I said, “we should save that for Christmas Day so we can watch you get drunk and play the Kiss record as you relive the moments of your one true love. You know what, Nicolas invited me to Bali. I was too embarrassed to tell him I have no money. You know what he assumes, Mother? He assumes I do family stuff on Christmas. You know why? Because that’s what fucking families do!”

“We do family stuff,” she said and took another drink.

“You are insane, aren’t you?
Family stuff
is not sitting at the foot of your mother’s bed watching her puke all over herself as she cries about a man who never loved her! Every year since I can remember, that’s been my Christmas!”

My mother narrowed her eyes at me as she drank her vodka.

“Wait,” Merry-Bell said and pulled a box of markers out of her craft bag, “Mickey Sexual was in Kiss?”

“No, Merry-Bell,” my mother said and looked out the window. “Remember, we went to see him when they played Charleston that one time? Mickey Sexual was in Chili Cheese Dog.”

“I never heard of no band called Chili Cheese Dog,” she said as she colored her spitballs.

“Exactly,” I said and pointed at Merry-Bell. “No one has heard of Chili Cheese Dog.”

“Now, they were popular back in the day. Real popular,” my mother said and nodded. “Make no mistake about that, little girl.”

“That’s right, Mama. You made the mistake.”

“Don’t you dare start on me, girl.”

I looked at my phone and my stomach burned. Nicolas never responded to my text and it had been six days since I had any communication with him at all.

“Expecting someone?” my mother said and smirked.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward in my chair and stared at her.

“Why'd you give me a dead man's last name?” I said.

“What are you going on about now?” my mother said and shook her head.

“Just what I said: why did you give me a dead man's last name?”

My mother drained every bit of vodka out of the tumbler and put it on the table.

“I-Because, he was still my husband.”

“But, Johnny Munroe was not
my
father. Sure, he's Rebel's father by adoption and Mazie's natural father, but not mine.”

“Jesus Christ, Beth, dead man’s last name...you're such an actress. It doesn't matter!”

“It matters a lot! It's my
name
! You were all excited when you named Rebel Love and Mazie Goodnight, weren’t you? Then, when it came time for me, you were all worn out so you just slapped any old name on me.”

“I did not slap any old name on you. You know your name is significant. The most significant because I lo--”

“You loved him, right?”

“I don't think I like your tone, girl. Yes, I loved him. More than anyone.”

“Then why didn't you give me his last name?”

“You know exactly why. Oh, but you want me to say it again and rub it in my face. Fine! By the time you was born, Mickey was long gone!”

I leaned back against the chair and watched Merry-Bell coloring her spitballs and closed my eyes.

“Johnny Munroe was long gone by the time I was born too; he was dead. Yet, you saw fit to give me a dead man's name...a dead man who isn't even my father.”

“Beth, I am tired,” she said as she stood from the table and grabbed her tumbler. “I have a long shift tomorrow. Something you obviously know nothing about.”

She turned and walked toward the kitchen and Merry-Bell clucked her tongue.

“Mom?” I said.

“What now, Beth?” she said and swung around and faced me. “You gonna dig up everything thing I did wrong over the years? Is that's what's going on here? You're looking for someone to blame for your miserable excuse of a life and I'm a perfect scapegoat.”

“Miserable excuse...huh. That's ironic coming from you,” I said.

“Watch it, Beth.”

“You didn't know his real last name, did you?”

Her eyes darted for a second and she looked out the window.

“I...what?” she said.

“Well, Mickey’s last name certainly was not
Sexual
. Even you wouldn’t name a baby Beth
Sexual
. I mean, Beth Sexual may be fine if I was gonna grow up to work for Ivory-Lou, but you are resigned to preordained destiny. You’ve been shoving it down our throats since birth. It would have terrified you to give a baby a porn name. As much as you think I won’t amount to shit, I know you didn’t want me to grow up to be a stripper at Knockers.”

“What do you want from me, Beth?” my mother said and looked at the floor.

I looked at my phone again and the frustration and anger spun like a cyclone in my chest.

“I want you to tell me the fucking truth!” I said and slammed my hands on the table.

The table shook and some of Merry-Bell’s spit ornaments bounced off and onto the floor.

“These fucking people are goddamned lunatics,” Merry-Bell said as she bent over and picked up the paper.

“You need to lower your voice and you need to relax,” my mother said.

“Do not tell me what I need!
You
need to tell me the truth. That’s all I want. Say it, Mama!”

“Say
what
?”

“That you don’t know the name of this man you loved so much, this man you let knock you up and dump you, this
married
man who chose his wife over you! You didn’t give me Mickey’s last name because you didn’t even know his real fucking name!”

My mother stared at me, face aflame and balled her hands into fists.

“Oh, you hold on there, girl. Boy, do I have something for you. Just a minute, princess.”

My mother ran out of the dining room and Merry-Bell and I stared at one another.

“His real last name could be Sexual, couldn’t it?” Merry-Bell said.

“No, Merry-Bell,” I said and sighed, “his real last name could not be Sexual.”

“Yes, Beth, it could too,” she said as she took her glasses off. “Way back, I was watching that television guy David Letterman, Jew, by the way, and I want to tell you that he had a real live man on the show named Dick Assman. That’s right...
Dick Assman
. Canadian feller.”

“Why...”

My mother flew back into the dining room and threw a piece of paper at me.

“You want to know his name? Ask him yourself! There’s where he’s at. Merry fucking Christmas!”

I unfolded the paper and stared at it: Mickey Sexual, Red’s Place, Nitro, West Virginia.

“He lives in
Nitro
? Where the hell is Nitro?”

“Well, Beth, Rebel Love says you spend all your goddamned time on your computer noogling, so fucking noogle it!”

“It’s Google,” I whispered. “I do not want this.”

I folded the paper into a tiny square and shoved it behind my driver’s license holder in my wallet.

“Well you got it now! Burn it, go see him, whatever! I’m finished! Now, are you done ripping me a new one?”

“His real name is not on that paper,” I said.

She stepped forward and stood over me.

“Are you trying to make me lose my goddamned mind,” she said through clenched teeth.

I looked up at her and back down at the lace tablecloth.

“I thought so,” she said. “I’m going to bed. Been a real nice visit, as usual.”

My mother left the room and I picked at the tablecloth while Merry-Bell sang
Frosty The Snowman
.

“I did not want this,” I said as my eyes filled with tears.

“Where’s your daddy live?” Merry-Bell said.

I turned and stared at her.

“He is not my daddy.”

“Yes he is, girl,” she said and nodded. “Where’s he live?”

“I don’t know, paper says Nitro. Doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, Nitro, I know that place.”

“You do?” I said and turned in my chair.

“Yep. It’s where all the wrestlers retired.”

“The wrestlers...what?”

“There was a show on the television. I watched it every Monday night faithful, called
Nitro
. Those boys wear those itty bitty short shorts...man, they had the bodies. Never much understood boys rolling around, shoving their wieners in other boys’ faces though. What’s that called...a tea party?”

I looked at my phone and felt like I’d been punched in the gut.

“Tea bagging,” I said and rested my head on the table.

“Really, tea bagging? Huh. Never too old to learn. Anyway, the
Nitro
show went off the air and all the wrestlers live there now.”

“I’m gonna go home, Merry-Bell. I have something...anything...to do,” I said and stood from the table.

I dialed Nicolas’ number as I walked back to Ivory-Lou’s. I needed to hear his voice, something to reassure me that he was real and I didn’t dream him, even if it was his voicemail.

“Hello?” a girl said.

I looked at the face of my phone to see if I had the right number.

“Um, is this--”

“Hello?” the girl said.

“Hi, is, uh Nicolas there?”

“Yeah, but he’s getting ready to dive. They’re all up on the cliffs! Is this Kim, are you guys coming?”

“Kim? No,” I said and cleared my throat, “Beth. This is Beth.”

“Oh, Beth! Hey, Beth, this is Willow. Nicolas told us all about you. You should come out. It’s a blast.”

“He told you about me?” I said and smiled.

“Yeah, said he has a real sweet lady-friend. Too cute! Anyway, want me to tell him you called?”

“Um, sure, it’s nothing...nothing important. I just called to--”

“Okay! Talk to you later,” she said and hung up.

I pumped my legs as hard as I could and I ran back to Ivory-Lou’s house. The tears dried down my face and made it itch as the wind blasted against my skin.

I flew through the door and leaned against the foyer wall panting.

“What the hell?” Rebel Love said as she looked at me.

I fell to my knees and gripped my shirt as I shook my head. Ivory-Lou walked into the foyer and stood over me.

“I think she’s choking!” Ivory-Lou said and knelt in front of me.

I shook my head as he knelt down and gripped my arms in his huge hands and shook me like a rag doll.

“Can you breathe?” he screamed in my face.

“I’m not fucking choking!” I said as I wrestled my arms away from him.

“She’s not choking,” Rebel Love said. “She wouldn’t be able to talk.”

“W-What the fuck is a lady-friend?” I said as I tried to breathe.

“Huh?” he said.

“Nicolas...I called Nicolas and a girl answered his phone and--”

“Oh boy,” Ivory-Lou said and looked at Rebel Love.

“No! It wasn’t bad. She seemed like a friend, they were diving...it doesn’t matter. Anyway, she said he said I was his lady-friend. What’s that mean?”

“Compound word...lady and friend...self-explanatory,” Ivory-Lou said and stood up.

“I’m not asking for the goddamn etymology! I want to know if
lady-friend
is the same as
girlfriend
!” I said as I got off the floor.