Priest (A Standalone Bad Boy Romance Love Story) (12 page)

CHAPTER
TWENTY-SEVEN

JACE

After we finished serving lunch, Lily and
I fixed our own plates and sat down at one of the tables with them. Daphne’s
friend had come up and got both hers and Daphne’s. The poor thing couldn’t look
at me again.

Some of the parishioners were playing a
volleyball game and some were throwing Frisbees around. Some had just gone off
to explore. I scanned the park for Daphne and finally found her and her friend.
They were kicking around a soccer ball with a couple of the teenage kids who
had come along. Daphne had pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail again and
was smiling and laughing as they played.

It was my first chance to watch her just
be happy. It was nice. She was drop-dead gorgeous when she was nervous and
antsy…or drunk…or angry…but happy was much nicer. Happy gave her face a softer
look, and I couldn’t help but want to touch her.

I could pray over it twenty times a day,
but I cannot control my thoughts or my body’s reactions. Maybe I needed to
accept that. Maybe concentrating on controlling my actions would save me in the
end. Or maybe I should stop looking at her…and stop putting myself in
situations where I know she’ll be.

“Did you hear me? What are you looking
at?” Lily started to look over her shoulder.

“Nothing. How’s your lunch?”

She looked down at her turkey sandwich and
chips. With a little chuckle she said, “It’s okay. Are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“You seem a little distracted,” she said.
Then she thought about it and said, “No, actually you seem a lot distracted,
all day. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, really. I was just thinking that
I should start loading things and cleaning up. We need to get out of here
before sundown. The park is haunted, you know.” I grinned and she smiled.

“Make fun of me all you want, but I think
I felt something brush up against me earlier.”

“That was just Mr. Bowers. He’s a dirty
old man.”

She laughed. “Stop it. Come on, I’ll help
you get stuff cleaned up. Before you phased out, did you hear what I asked
you?”

“No, I’m sorry. What was it?”

She laughed. “See what I mean? Never mind,
it wasn’t important. This was a lot of fun, though. I missed you, Jace.”

“I missed you, too, Lily. It’s been great
catching up.” I wasn’t lying. Her constant touching me in front of my
parishioners was annoying me a little bit, though.

“Maybe we can do lunch or dinner?” she
asked.

I considered that. I just wasn’t sure how
much time with her was too much. It’s not that it’s unheard of for a priest to
have friends, even female friends. But generally, they’re older woman that the
priest is certain he wouldn’t be physically attracted to. I already knew that
wasn’t the case with Lily.

But the truth was that I was sure I could
control myself with Lily. The feelings I had for her weren’t like the ones I felt
when I was around Daphne. It’s like the devil himself was controlling my
hormones when Daphne was anywhere near my line of vision.

Speaking of which, I looked for her again.
She was still playing soccer and looking way too freaking good doing it. I
wondered if she was an athlete in high school.

I realized Lily was still waiting for a
response and I said, “Yeah, sure. Call me.”

We got busy then breaking things down and
loading things up. Most everyone stayed around and helped so it went quickly. I
had a pontoon-type boat that I was going to take the canoes back over on and
there was a larger boat to pick up everyone else and take them back to where
the bus and their cars were.

I said my goodbyes to most of the
parishioners. I realized that Daphne was one of the ones who had gotten away.
She was already on the boat. I told myself that was a good thing. I needed to
avoid too much time with her, and I only made her nervous, anyway. It made me
feel a little badly that she hadn’t wanted to say goodbye

I realized, however, that the boat was
getting ready to leave and Lily was still hanging around. “You better catch
that boat so you can get to your car,” I told her.

“I thought maybe I’d ride with you in case
you need any help.” She was stroking my arm again.

“Nah, I’m good, Lily. Thanks. The boat is
going to be full of supplies and it’s small so there won’t be anywhere for you
to sit. I don’t have to unload the boats. They said I can just leave it
loaded.”

She looked disappointed, but she said,
“Okay then; it was great. We have to get together really soon.

“Yeah, it was. I’ll see you at church
tomorrow.” She nodded and smiled. Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek. She
let her breasts gently bump into my arm that time. My arm was getting a lot of
action, and she was definitely working it.

After I got the boat back to World’s End
and unloaded a few things, I headed back to the church to do some work on the
next mass. I thought about calling Ryan back, but I put it off. I didn’t want
to talk to him about my time with Daphne.

It wasn’t just a cheap one-night stand
like the ones my brother goes looking for. She was a virgin, for one thing… Jesus,
what a way for the poor thing to lose her virginity: with a priest.

I shuddered and realized that I really,
really need to talk to someone about the feelings I’d been having. I still
couldn’t bring myself to face my bishop or any of the priests that I knew
personally, so I took a detour.

I went to a church called St Francis and
sought out the priest there. His name was Father John and I’d only met him once
when he came to my church in Boston to talk to us about an organization called
the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy. It was founded by Fr. John Trigilio and
the idea of it was to meet with other priests who might also be having desires
for female companionship. It’s kind of like AA for priests who are confused by
their sexual feelings. It’s all confidential, and I was feeling like I had to
do something before I did something really bad…again.

“Father Jace, how good to see you again.”
The elderly man was as sharp as a tack and recognized me right away.

“Hello, Father John, it’s good to see you
again, too.” I suddenly felt naked in front of him in my picnic shorts and
t-shirt. “Excuse the way I’m dressed, we had a church canoe trip and picnic
today.”

Father John smiled. “My favorite
activities are those we can do in normal clothes, Father Jace. Please, have a
seat. Tell me what I can do for you.”

“This is difficult for me, Father. I
haven’t spoken to anyone about it… I’m having some carnal feelings towards a
woman in my parish.”

He didn’t look like he was judging me, but
I’d also put it much milder than the actual truth. “Priests are human, too,
son. We are often not expected to be, but we are. Have you prayed over it?”

“Yes, Father, many times. I’m hoping that
maybe talking to others who have had the same feelings, getting some advice
from men who understand what I’m going through, might help. I remembered what
you said about the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy.”

“Yes, it’s a fabulous resource for us. I
can put you down for the next meeting.”

“Great! When is it?”

“Wednesday is our next meeting.”

“Wednesday? You don’t have anything
sooner?” Okay, now he looked like he might be judging me just a little bit.
Maybe I was giving away that I’d already gone too far. “I’m sorry, Father. I’m
just really confused.”

“I understand. Would you like to talk to
me about it?”

“Have you ever had these feelings?”

“Of course. I’m an old man; I’ve had them
more than once. Like I said, we’re human, too.

“You’re very young, Jace, and your body is
going through the same things that other men your age are going through. Your
mind knows that you’re married to our Lord, but your body doesn’t. As a priest,
you expect that since you love our Lord so much, it will be easy to uphold your
vows.

“But again, we’re just like any other men.
How many men break their vows to their wives? We hear it in confession all the
time. And, what do we hear them say over and over?”

I knew what I heard them say. “They tell
me that they still love their wives and that it was just sex…it didn’t mean
anything.”

“Exactly, and I believe them. It doesn’t
make it right, but I believe they mean it. I also believe that you thinking
about breaking your vows when you look at a young, beautiful woman with your
young body doesn’t mean you don’t love your Lord God.”

“It doesn’t, Father John. I love God as
much as ever. My love for Him has gotten me through so much. Like I said, I’m
just confused…and I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going to ruin my
relationship with Him, and that I’ll regret it for as long as I live.”

I’m
also worried that I’ll regret not getting to have Daphne again for just that
long
.

“Being here is proof to me that you want
to deal with this and stay true to your vows. But you and I both know that God
doesn’t need to see proof. He knows what’s in your heart and your head. He
knows you’re struggling. Talk to him, Jace. Pray hard. And in the meantime, if
you need to talk before the meeting, you’re always welcome to come to me.”

His words made me feel better. I knew
everything he said before he said it, but I had needed to hear it said out
loud. “Thank you, Father John. I appreciate your help more than I can tell
you.”

“I wish I could do more, son. Just please don’t
be so hard on yourself. Please, remember that it’s okay to be human.”

That’s the part I’d been struggling so
hard with. I wanted to be a good priest and a good Catholic and a good example,
but throughout it all, I’d forgotten to remember that I was also a good human,
and even a good human is not perfect, but can be forgiven. I thanked Father
John again and left there about ten pounds lighter than I’d gone in.

The next several days, I managed to make
it through without one single carnal thought. I didn’t not think about Daphne,
that was too much to ask, but I only thought about her in terms that a Catholic
priest could be proud of. I hoped that she was doing well and I hoped that she
would make it for Church on Sunday—that sort of thing. I did think about how
pretty she is, but fully clothed, in dry clothes.

I went to the meeting on Wednesday, and I
found out by listening to the other priests that I wasn’t as much of a freak as
I had thought I was. Even the older priest there talked about having feelings
of lust.

One priest confessed to being in love with
the same woman for ten years. He claimed to have done nothing about it, but
she’s his neighbor and there was something in his eyes when he talked about her
that told me maybe he did cross the line. Or maybe I just wanted that to be the
case so I didn’t feel like the only one who was going straight to hell in a handbasket.

Thursday evening, as I was thinking about
what I should have for dinner, there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to
pull it open and find Lily standing there with a picnic basket in one hand and
a bottle of sparkling cider in the other.

I hadn’t heard from her since church on
Sunday. She had stopped to say hello and asked again if I wanted to go out to
dinner. She asked in front of other parishioners, so I’d brushed her off. I
recovered from my surprise and said, “Hey, Lily! What’s up?”

She flashed me her cutest smile. One thing
about Lily is she knows she’s cute. She’d not just cute…she’s hot—drop dead
gorgeous hot. She’d never had any problems with poor self-esteem. If anything,
she had a little too much self-esteem and it bordered on being full of herself.

I’ve always thought that the fact I turned
her down was worse for her than actually accepting we couldn’t be together. I’d
wounded her ego, and her ego wasn’t used to that.

Part of what attracted me to Daphne is
that she doesn’t have that kind of ego. She could stand to have a lot more
self-esteem, but that wasn’t even it. She thinks of others more than herself.
Lily always had an ulterior motive.

“I brought dinner and a movie. Have you
eaten yet?”

“Um…no, I was just thinking about it.” I
was also really sure that this was a terrible idea.

In the meeting I’d gone to, I’d been
advised not to put myself into situations that could get out of hand. Daphne
was the one I really wanted, but Lily was just hot enough that the way I’d been
feeling lately might push me over the edge. I wanted Daphne, but I’d have to be
careful or Lily might just do.

“Well, are you going to invite me in?” She
sounded annoyed that she was still standing on the doorstep.

Paranoid, I looked around to see who might
be watching. No one was even out and about. “Um…I’m just not sure this is
really appropriate, Lily. It’s one thing to eat out in a public place, but here
in my home…”

“Oh, Jace. I’m not trying to seduce you,
for God’s sake. It’s dinner and a PG rated movie. Get your mind out of the
gutter.”