Putting the Madge in Danna (18 page)

I didn’t mean to imply that she was rude at
that moment. I was just a little bit afraid she would spill more
alcohol and this time wet my Juicy Couture, which I had purchased
for my honeymoon for when I go to the spa. I shouldn’t have been
wearing the velour sweats, but they’re so comfy. I realized how
very Bridezilla I had sounded, only thinking about myself. I was
about to apologize for my rude quip. Then she said what she’d
said.

“
I’m reading your
blog.”

That’s when my stomach
dropped to the floor. It was like in those old cartoons when Tom
eats Jerry and the mouse fights his way out from the tail and back
out of the cat’s mouth. I felt my voice fall down my windpipe, into
my stomach and float all around my body with that tingly sensation
of faint.
Gina knows
.

I cleared my throat and found I was still
awake and alive, and able to speak, but I didn’t know what to say.
I emptied the flute and poured myself another then drank its
entirety. “I…I…eye-ya-yey,” I managed, which sounded a lot like
what Mrs. Estabien, my high school Spanish teacher, used to say
when she caught Zeus and I necking in the halls.

“
I commented on it. I was
wondering why you hadn’t responded to it,” she said.
“See?”

I held her cell in my shaky hands. My worlds
collided in a single instant. Then I saw all the comments including
hers.

Thank you all for generously commenting on
my blog, by the way. I had no idea! Your support means a lot to me.
I didn’t think I’d be so emotional realizing that so many of you
were out there. I moved my chair closer so that Gina and I could
look at the screen together. I read Gina’s message about the
Manhattan Troupe. She was right, of course. They hadn’t been
Chippendale dancers at all. Gina has such a great memory, which
comes from sharing stories with her husband. Sometimes he uses her
ideas in his films.

“
Gina, please don’t tell
anyone,” I blurted. “If Vince knew…it would be a back-two-three and
a toe-ball-change away from Zeus finding out. Then I’ll lose
everything.”

“
Is that a Greek hop, skip
and a jump?” she asked.

“
Please, Gina,” I
pleaded.

“
I’m proud of you,
silly-wills,” she said. “I only wish I’d thought of doing something
similar. It would have been nice to have grabbed gusto before I got
married. Then I wouldn’t have had that affair with Mr. Cochran’s
son.”

“
That wasn’t an affair,
Gina,” I replied. “It was an accidental lip lock that resulted in a
fucksy.”

“
A fucksy?”

“
You know, like a
whoop-sie. His pricker fell into your hole. That could have
happened to anyone stuck in an elevator as long as you two
were.”

“
That’s true,” she said.
“So what are you going to do about Rob?”

“
Who?”

That’s when we moved
inside to look at
Putting the Madge in
Danna
on my laptop. Gina found my
things-to-do spiral and began to jot down all of Rob-the-actor’s
comments. There were eleven of them!

“‘
I’m an actor. Please
fuck me,’” Gina read.

I asked, “Who do you think he is?”

“
Can’t you tell?” Gina
said and smiled knowingly.

“
What do you
mean?”

“
Well, his name is Rob.
What actor named Robert is in New York right now making a
movie?”

I’ve been so busy lately,
I haven’t been keeping up with the world of
Entertainment Tonight
. Zeus and I
usually have it on during dinner because we think the jingle is
catchy. Knowledge of celebrity gossip is a by-product. It’s how we
found out about Michael Jackson’s death. I’m sure everyone
remembers where they were when that bit of news happened. Zeus was
eating sushi off my nipsey-russells.

I had no clue about the current state of
movie-making affairs. “I don’t know,” I said. “Who?”

“
Come on, Dani. There was
a melée. He got hit by a taxi. It was all over the news.” She
looked like she was waiting for me to go,
oh!
– but I was still confused.
“He’s fine. It wasn’t serious.” I gave her the scrunched up nose
face. “Rpatz?” she said. “I think he wants to get all
Twilighty
on
you.”

Zeus and I did a vampire bit once. He
climbed up the fire escape and over the balcony ledge while I
waited in the kitchen with two electric fans going so I could look
all Victorian-ethereal, sort of the way Beyoncé looks in concert. I
wore that strapless bridesmaid gown from Demetrios’ wedding, the
one with the titties-in-a-sling look – navy silk easy on-easy off.
Good times.

I asked, “Are you sure?”
Gina pointed out all the other commenters, including that famous
director who commented on my interaction with Kai. Apparently, like
Zeus, there are other men who happen to enjoy a bloody hoo-ha now
and again. It all made sense in a surreal way. The internet really
does make it a small world. Celebrities
can
be your friends. I gasped. “Oh
my god!”

“
He must be lonely being
that he’s so far away from home,” Gina added. “New York is so
different from Hollywood or London.”

“
That makes sense,” I
said. “But what about that,
I fucked
Madonna and I’ll fuck you the same way
line. That can’t be true.”

“
Maybe he was trying to
capture your attention,” she said. “He probably Googled you up and
found your Facebook page. I mean, look at you, Dannika
Elinopoulous…”

“…
Soon to be Zepkos,” I
chimed in.

“
You can have any actor
you want,” she suggested. “Why not utilize what sits right in front
of you.” She pointed to the screen, to Rob’s name. “We’re already
going to be staying at the Marriott when we go to Manhattan for the
last hurrah. Why not take him up on his offer for the final bow?”
She looked at me and batted her long eyelashes the way we do to
each other when we go out to Tony’s after work and pretend to flirt
with each other lezzy style until our men arrive.

“
I don’t know,” I
said.

“
I’ll help you,” Gina
said. I’ll be your partner in fucky-wuck crime.” She poured us each
another glass trying to be as careful as she could while giggling –
I guess because she has picked up the vernacular of fucksy-speak as
a result of hanging around with me for so long. She picked up her
flute and we clinked to her toast. “To fucking an actor, Madonna
style. May her conquests be yours.”

“
To Madonna,” I said. “The
guiding light of fucksters everywhere.”

Gina was right, of course,
and I
am
running
out of time. Rob, you’re the one.

Comments: 1

I’ll be waiting at 11:30pm
to fuck you senseless.
Rob, NY,
NY

****

Home for Wayward Hooeys

Thursday, August 27, 2009 - 10:30pm

Zeus is home from Japan. I picked him up at
the airport and we made serious kissy face as soon as we saw each
other.

“
Wow,” he said when our
lips parted. “I should go away more often.”

“
What? No!” Honestly, I
didn’t think I could stand him being away for a month again - maybe
a day here or a day there, but no more than that.

“
I’m kidding.” He squeezed
me tightly and I could feel the big kazoo trying to make an
appearance through Zeus’ suit pants – it was throbbing at the bit.
“I missed you, Dani.”

“
Me too. I love you so
much.”

“
I love you so much more,”
he replied. “There’s no place like home. Hey, I brought you
something.”

I said, “I can feel it. Let’s hurry back to
the apartment, and I can unwrap it for you.” My hooey was on fire
for him.

“
No, it can’t wait until
then,” he said. We looked into each other’s eyes, which had the
makings of a tantric moment. We kissed again. I was thinking how my
denim halter dress kept me only a knot away from getting naked,
which a simple wrist flick could have easily rectified. I was sure
he was thinking the same thing the way his hands caressed my naked
back.

“
Okay, then,” I said after
a few more minutes of lip locking. “There’s a unisex bathroom over
there, the one with the baby-changing table. We can go in and the
big kazoo can finish me off.”

“
Sounds tempting, angel,
but it’s not that kind of gift,” Zeus said. “Although I’m sure the
cuntessa could use some protein in the form of…Dani, stop.” I guess
I was gyrating against Zeus’ pricker in an inappropriate way,
because his tone was so firm, almost like a reprimand. There were
heaps of people milling about but I didn’t really care because when
I’m with Zeus, sometimes it feels like we’re the only two people in
the universe almost like Adam and Eve who probably did the
horizontal fucky everywhere and anywhere in that Garden of Eden.
Zeus released me from his warm hug, and the image of the first man
and his ribbon candy up in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G faded. We moved
over to the seats by the nearest gate.

Zeus pulled a blue velvet box from his suit
jacket pocket. “What is it?” I asked.

“
Open it.”

I gasped with glee at the necklace inside.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.

“
I didn’t want to wait,”
he said. “It’s your wedding gift. I figured you probably got me
something even though we said no gifts. I didn’t want to look like
the cheapo. I know how you feel about that. So, I splurged – but
only a little. The gold chain is from the crucifix Grand-Yaya had
given me when we were in Greece the last time. You’re only
borrowing that. Do you recognize the pearl?”

“
Yes,” I said. It was from
the promise ring. Zeus had gone down on one knee when he’d
presented it to me at camp during the summer when we were
thirteen.
Will you friendship me?
he’d said nervously. I think he’d bought it with
the money he’d earned fixing bicycles. I had wondered where it had
disappeared to. The ring didn’t fit anymore, and I was thinking of
having it reset, but it had vanished from my jewelry box. “It’s the
something old, isn’t it?”

“
Uh-huh. And the diamond
is new and blue.”

“
I didn’t know they even
made blue diamonds,” I said, as Zeus placed the necklace around my
neck. It was perfect.

“
Mr. Okinawa’s wife is a
jeweler,” he said. “She had it all set for me. I love the way the
blue heart looks like the ones you draw when you heart-dot
your
I
s.”

I would have shed a tear, if I hadn’t been
thinking what his reaction to my gift for him would be – to the
Ford Jitsu original. I ended up picking the photograph where I’m
leaning against the Harley sans rubber pricker, wearing only the
leather cap and my engagement ring. The photographer had framed the
poster-sized one for me for free, which was nice of him – this
economy can’t be great for freelance artists - unless he considered
it cunt currency?

Not sure where we’ll display it in our home
- probably under the bed or behind the closet door. Somewhere
discreet. I also purchased wallet-sized copies for Zeus to peruse
every time he needs a quick pick-me-up. I was going to wait until
after the honeymoon to give them to him. Now I definitely will,
since Zeus went all sentimental on me. Is he even going to like my
nudie-toons special or will he think it’s tacky?

He’s usually the funny one
of the two of us. I mean, he’s always the life of the party
whenever we go to parties. At his parents’ twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary, he’d created a slapstick slideshow of their lives.
Somehow, he’d gotten former President Jimmy Carter to tape a
congratulations to them. I think Zeus had met him at the American
Consulate in Cairo or something, but I don’t remember. When Mr.
Carter had said,
and I heard you like
peanuts
, Zeus had rigged it so that it
rained peanuts in the Calypso Room at Eli’s. Petra still hasn’t
stopped mentioning what a pain it was to clean it all up, although
she always laughs too, so it couldn’t have been that bad. Funny
right? But this time….

“
I thought you could wear
it on Sunday,” he said. “Something old, something new, something
borrowed…”

“
And something blue,” we
said together.

“
Of course, I’ll wear it
on our wedding day, Zeus,” I said. We kissed some more and
said
I-love-yous
about a dozen times.

“
I have an idea,” he said,
“and it’s about sex.”

“
Okay,” I said. “Let’s
go.” I rose and got behind the luggage cart in order to push it,
like his love slave.

“
I mean, I think we should
wait until after the wedding to do it,” he said.

“
What?”

“
I just think it’ll be
better, you know,” he continued. “Building anticipation for the
wedding night.”

“
So we can be like virgins
after we peel out of our fancy whites?” I asked.

Zeus rose and we started walking towards the
exit. The cart was harder to push than I thought, especially while
carrying my overstuffed purse. “I want to feel like I’m touching
you for the very first time,” he said as he took over the pushcart.
“Then we can go to town, of course. It’ll be like a clean slate and
I’ll have something special planned. Something you’ll never
forget.” The conversation veered into Japanese culture territory
and remained there through the evening. Did you know that Japanese
animé characters have big eyes to resemble the American soldiers
who helped rebuild Japan after WWII? I know, me neither.