Putting the Madge in Danna (20 page)

“
The back of my dress!” I
shouted. “My wedding dress has a long back part. It’s called a
train.”

“
Oh excuse me, I didn’t
see it there. It’s like Wonder Woman’s invisible plane,” he said
and laughed at his own joke. “I won’t do that come Sunday. That
dress cost a pretty penny.” He turned to look at my pregnant
sister-in-law. “No offense, Penny. You’re a pretty Penny too.”
Everyone laughed except for me.

Then Dad stepped on my foot when he crossed
in front of me to shake Zeus’ hand as he pretended to hand me over
to him. He laughed it all off like one of those buffoon clowns at
the circus, as I felt my toes swell. I guess no matter how much you
practice, and how many years you live in this country, you can’t
always take the old country out of someone, I thought.

I’m sorry, that was mean and I shouldn’t
have been thinking it. I love my father very much, both of my
parents. I had just wanted everything to be sophisticated and
elegant-like, you know? I’m still smarting from the whole thing.
It’s like when you get really angry and you can’t come down from
it. Your voice gets high, and you’re still yelling even though the
ordeal is over. One thing is for sure, I’m not going to wear the
veil over my face. I don’t want Dad to think it’s an invisible
plane and forget to lift it. I’d end up as the mythological cartoon
villain at my own wedding, fuming from under the shroud.

When Zeus and I held hands
at the altar and looked into each other’s eyes, my anger turned to
something worse. Tears formed in my eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking
about the day before, when he’d made that romantic gesture with the
necklace and such. And I had one of those weird flashes, you know,
like before you die and you see your whole life before your eyes.
My mind did a montage of our lives together and it was every bit as
wonderful as that slide show Zeus had created for his parents’
anniversary. He was the perfect man and I didn’t deserve him. What
was I doing? I thought -
who am I?
Am I a good girl or her evil twin? Why did I do
something to jeopardize what I have with Zeus Archimedes Zepkos?
Why did I want to put some Madge in Danna? Why? I felt out of
control, thinking I’d destroyed my future somehow and everyone knew
it – except Zeus.

He smiled at me and my
hooey started to pull an
I’m-on-fire
routine like a lawn
mower that fires up via push button. This time it itched with
desire for fucky-wuck, like a necessary hysterical need as though I
had to ensnare him with my naughty puss-puss in order to find my
way back to the nook.

I was aware of the G-rated nature of the
venue, aware of everyone in the room, but still - I wanted to rub
my face against Zeus’ beard and hump-a-bump with him right in front
of everyone. I started imagining our options. We could have called
a time out and done it behind the altar. Zeus could have lifted me
onto the baptismal bowl and sanctified me with his blessed jizz.
But obviously, that didn’t happen. Girls aren’t allowed behind the
altar curtain.

Father Phillip began taking us through the
service in English. When he asked if there was any reason why we
should not be wed, Chad Mavis’ tape began to waft through the
speakers again. It was Madonna’s voice singing to me.

I can’t carry these sins on my back

I can’t carry anymore….

“
Sorry,” that same voice
shouted from the rafters.

“
Well, Dani?” Zeus asked
as he kissed my engagement-ringed hand, which I couldn’t control
from shaking.

“
What?” Guilt replaced the
sweat in my pores. The air conditioning kicked on at last and a
cold shiver hit my neck and traveled to the tip of my
booty-boot.

“
Is there anything I
should know?” he added.

At least I think that’s what he’d said,
because that’s when my eyes kind of went all hazy, as though they
were rejecting the vanity contacts, and my legs turned to Jello. I
fainted into my fiancé’s arms.

Later, at the dinner party, after eating a
huge portion of Prime Rib that Dad had prepared for me (despite my
plan to keep my hooey veggie fresh) - to say sorry for changing the
wedding reception dinner menu on me - I apologized to everyone for
my behavior.

“
It must have been the
heat,” I said, and they all seemed to agree. I still felt haunted
by the bad vibes, thinking it had been me tempting fate, not the
ghost of some young god casting an evil eye over me or
happenstance. Liquor helped. It helped a lot.

Dean and Demetrios surprised me with their
loving speeches.

“
To my beautiful little
sister, Dannika,” Demetrios said. “I hope your life is filled with
everything we Elinopoulouses treasure. Family, food and fun. Lots
of fun. And Zeus, we’ve loved you like a brother for all these
years, and we’re blessed to welcome you into our family. With love
and respect.”

Dean’s speech shocked me
more. “Dani,” he said, “We’ve had our share of arguments over the
years, like that time I stole your Madonna album and you retaliated
by hiding the X-box until I gave it back. Then we ended up bonding
over both. I know the lyrics to
Cherish
, and you can kick my ass
in
Mortal Kombat
.
Zeus, you’ve got a good woman there. Cherish her love. And welcome
to the family!”

Soon we were all dancing on tables, breaking
plates and drinking well into the night.

I’m only just up now because I had to type
this then get ready for the bachelorette party, otherwise I would
have slept the day away. Gina and the girls are taking me to New
York City. We’re taking a limo to the Marriott Hotel. Everybody
knows it’s my absolute favorite hotel. Whenever I come to
Manhattan, I always enjoy riding their glass elevators, even if I’m
only there on a shopping day trip. It’s free and it’s just
super-duper colossally fun - and Toto too. You should definitely
try it sometime if you’ve never been.

Zeus and his friends,
including my brothers, are heading to Manhattan to party as well.
They’ll be staying somewhere near 42
^nd
Street I believe. When we
did the same thing for Demetrios’ wedding, the girls and guys met
up at midnight for a night cap, but we don’t have plans for
that.

I have tentatively made other plans before
bed, as you know, but…I don’t know. I’m not sure that I should go
through with this fuck like Madonna sex journey. This omen thingy
is really freaking me out. I’m such a lucky girl, I cannot afford a
luck-fuck, which is a fuck that fucks up your luck. I need to talk
to Gina – pronto. But first, I need a Bloody Mary or two, because
more alcohol is supposed to help when you have a hangover, right?
Everyone always says so – or is it Advil and fluids? Maybe a Virgin
Mary is what I’m desperately seeking. Help me, Madonna, wherever
you are.

Comments: 4

You have to do this, Dani. It’ll all work
out. We’ll talk later. Gina, Schenectady, NY

Take omens seriously. They are messages from
god. Irina Pelestova, Russian Federation

I shall correspond with you after the
honeymoon. Would very much like to option the rights to your story.
You are quite intriguing, Dannika. R. Jeffrries, Sherman Oaks,
CA

I’m all in. Rob, NY, NY

****

Great and Powerful Truth or Dare

Sunday, August 30, 2009 - 1:00pm

After I wrote yesterday’s blog entry, I
called Zeus. I had just wanted to hear his voice, you know, to say
hi or whatever. I kind of wanted to hear what the guys had planned.
Would they be anywhere near the Marriott in Times Square? My call
went straight to voice mail, which indicated that Zeus had either
already left on his bachelor fun night or he was sticking to our
plan of no contact before the wedding, or both. This was the
longest we had gone without having a hooey-pricker connection since
before we started to wham-bam. It felt weird, hollow in there, I
guess. My poor pinky-pinkerson felt neglected by the big kazoo. I
didn’t like that. I knew it was going to be only one more day of
this, but still. Had he just popped it in when I came to in his
arms on the floor of the altar, it would have been better than the
kiss he’d planted on my lips, for which we received applause from
the witnesses. A fucksy would have been much better than what Zeus
had said afterwards.

“
Are you
alright?”

God, I hate hearing that phrase. I know –
it’s concern and such. But it’s just so embarrassing. Mom had
gotten me a glass of orange juice from the church hall kitchenette.
She kneeled down, handed it over and yelled, “Are you
pregnant?”

Everyone heard.

“
No, Mom,” I said then
lowered my voice. “I just had my period if you must know.” She
crossed herself, as though I’d just been exorcised of
demons.

“
You sure you’re okay?”
Zeus said. I had wanted to disappear. Kind of hoped something else
could happen to someone else to throw the humiliation spotlight on
them – not that I wanted Tanya Ares to start spinning around again
or anything - she already had an icepack on her head. Eventually we
all got back into our places and finished the rehearsal, and as I
mentioned, progressed to the dinner party where we had fun, as we
always do when we’re together.

I hadn’t really wanted to bachelorette
party-on at all, to be honest. I’d just wanted to snuggle up in a
full fetal and lay on the couch until Sunday afternoon. Sitting
there and staring at my wedding gown until it was time to wear it
would have been fine, but it was at Mom and Dad’s, because I had
planned to get dressed there since my old room has better lighting
for the photo opportunities. I think I had transformed into one of
those whiny girlfriends that nobody likes.

I needed to get out of that funk. So I got
dressed and drove over to the high school to run the bleacher
stairs for the last time as Dannika Elinopoulous, Madonna protégé,
I thought. I pretended that Madonna was right by my side working
out with me, which had been easy to do with her music filling my
headphoned ears. Then I came home, showered and readied myself for
the limousine pick up.

The car picked me up last except for Penny,
but she had already cancelled on us at the last minute. Daisy
wasn’t with us either – too young, nor were the Perikali twins, who
had a college lacrosse practice they couldn’t miss. So the eight
remaining bridesmaids had squeezed onto the long leather cushion
that curved around to one side, leaving the other side free to
access the bar.

“
Hi Danna!” three said in
unison – Krissy Michaels, my high school bestie, and Janey Jackson
and Georgia Stevenson from college. The other five held wide smiles
to their lips. My two cousins, Mykkie Stevens, and Caroline Ares,
wearing a denim halter dress exactly like the one I’d worn the
other day, were sipping Diet Cokes and dipping into the snacks -
trail mix, pretzels, bananas and Starbursts, the same ones we’d
brought when some of us road tripped to visit the wine
trail.

It’s flattering to be someone’s fashion
muse, it really is, as long as we aren’t wearing the same dress on
the same day, which is the sucky part about being a bridesmaid,
although I’ve heard no complaints about the charcoal chiffon gowns
we’d picked out for them for the wedding.

For the Manhattan express, I’d dressed in an
embroidered apron style peasant top and my favorite jeans – they’re
called Joe’s, and they fit like a second skin if you want to buy a
pair. I think they have Spandex in them for stretch. The other
girls all wore sundresses in colorful florals or Ikat patterns.
Mykkie’s was black and white, which I thought odd. She almost
always wears turquoise, my guess is because she likes to represent
the color of the water off Mykonos, her namesake.

I guess they’d all assumed I’d wear a dress,
I thought, and I was correct. They’d really planned everything. I
was about to jump into the back seat when Annika Minos climbed out
off the limo and said, “Not so fast, Danna.”

“
What’s wrong?” I asked
all confused-like.

“
We want you to wear
this.” Annika produced a ridiculous white T-shirt mini with
Bride
written on the
front in rhinestones that glittered up my titty-titty-bang-bangs.
Stephanie started taking pictures of it with her cell so she could
keep Dean informed like a spy, which she had done throughout the
day.

“
You have to,” Gina said
as she giggled away. “It’s tradition. And you know what you and
Zeus say about committing to a bit.”

I shushed her, thinking
she was revealing too much of the
secret
me, you know – the one you
bloggers know. And this stuff is supposed to remain on the
down-low.

“
What does that mean?”
Stephanie Nichols said as I climbed in. Since she’s Dean’s
girlfriend, I’m sure she was trying to commit everything to memory
for when it’s her turn to marry into our family.

“
Fine,” I said, looking at
Annika. The limo driver, Patrice, came around to shut the door and
we were off. I wasn’t wearing a bra, but fuck it – even the driver
was female and with the exception of her, I was among friends. I
stripped off my comfortable top and replaced it with the costume
befitting my role in this outing.

“
Nice nipsey-russells,”
Gina said.

“
Shut up, Gina,” I said. I
was really getting annoyed with the way she was using my material.
I could envision Stephanie Nichols Googling
nipsey-russells
then stumbling over
my blog, right?