Queen (68 page)

    security, and she felt a curious tingle somewhere in the pit of her

    stomach, and moistness in that place she didn't like to think about.

    It changed again, without any evidence that anything had changed. Jass

    took her hand and dragged it down to his stomach and put it onto the

    monster that was hard and hot. It felt enormous to Lizzie and malevolent,

    for it stopped that warrn feeling inside her, stopped the tingling, and

    brought back all her old fears instead. Suddenly, he seemed to get angry,

    and moved on top of her and pushed her nightgown up, exposing parts of

    her that had not been exposed to a man, or to anyone, before. He pushed

    up his own nightshirt, and she felt the thing, hard and hot and

    throbbing, pushing against her stomach, trying to find some other place,

    and she struggled against it with all her might.

    To no avail. Jass had been dreaming of Easter. Now he wanted Easter,

    wanted her with every fiber of his being, and

410 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN

he was intolerant of Lizzie's procrastinations. The more she struggled

against him, the more he had to find release, and suddenly he pushed inside

her. He met some resistance and pushed again, hard again, and Lizzie cried

out in pain, but Jass didn't stop. It had to be, and even though he didn't

want to hurt Lizzie, she had to know that he was her husband and her Massa,

and his rights were inviolable. To an extent, her resistance to him made him

only more deten-nined to prove his authority to her; it excited him, because

of that very dominance that was rightfully his.

    Lizzie could not believe the pain he caused, could not believe that he

    would willingly cause her such harm, and she knew that some little part of

    her had been ruptured and broken. He lay on her now, humping and heaving,

    while she wept, and even though the pain eventually receded and was

    replaced by a degree of pleasant feeling, she could not imagine a lifetime

    of having to submit to this awful thing whenever Jass desired it.

    He cried out and, mercifully, stopped moving. Lizzie lay wondering what

    more could possibly happen to her, and then, to her relief and surprise,

he

    moved off and lay beside her. He said some sweet things, and drifted to

    sleep.

    Lizzie could not sleep. She lay awake until dawn, reliving every moment of

    the nightmare in her head, and weeping sometimes, for she felt as if he had

    made a great, open wound in her body that would never heal.

It got better between them, as everyone had told her it would. It never hurt

again as badly as the first time, and sometimes, when Jass was patient with

her, and caressed her, Lizzie felt those nice tinglings, and sometimes

almost felt as if she would enjoy the act itself, but it never lasted long

enough, and Jass was always so aggressive when he was on top of her. What

Lizzie never knew, but sometimes guessed, was that he was always thinking

of

Easter.

    They were cooped up in their hotel room for four days, and had their first

    rows, because Lizzie was sure she hadn't pleased him in bed and was

    determined to make up for it in other ways. She fussed over him too much,

    and tried to make decisions for him, and he got irritated. Then she got

    bored with

    MERGING 411

the hotel room, and her temper flared, and they had a row about some silly

thing. Jass stormed out, and Lizzie cried her distress, and when he came

back was ready to beg his forgiveness. But when he came back he had a

smile on his face, and apologized to her, as a gentleman should. The rain

was easing, the roads were still impassable, but he had found a paddle

steamer that was going upriver to Decatur and had booked them on it. The

accommodations were fairly primitive, but at least they were on their

journey.

    They traveled for a year, and both loved Europe, although they never came

    closer to loving each other. They settled into a pattern that suited both

    of them, which began on the Atlantic crossing. Alone of the female

    passengers, Lizzie did not succumb to seasickness and, as the only woman

    presenting herself at meals in the cramped dining room, took advantage

    of her situation, and put all of her considerable social skills on dis-

    play. Jass would watch her at lunch or dinner, a splendid hostess in an

    unlikely environment, charming them all with her wit and sense of humor.

    He was sure they could find a balance in this. She would be mistress of

    The Forks, impeccably fulfilling all their public duties, efficiently

    running their private lives. He would make love to her as their situation

    required, and she would be mother to his children, and probably a good

    mother too, Jass thought. For the side of him that needed another kind

    of love, he had his mistress, Easter.

    The conditions of their new relationship were never voiced between them,

    but Lizzie knew they existed and was not unhappy with them. Jass indulged

    her every mood and whim; in Paris she shopped until she needed several

    more cabin trunks to get her new wardrobe home, and he seldom said no to

    her. He required her presence in his bed two or three times a week, and

    Lizzie was prepared for it, and found ways to make the experience less

    arduous. In the better hotels, they would have separate bedrooms, and

    Lizzie appreciated his generosity, for she knew why it had been done. To

    show her gratitude, she made sure his life was as full and interesting

    as was within her ability to arrange, and she indulged the romantic in

    both of them by taking him to the most romantic places she could find.

    It was she who organized the dinner parties, and made them glittering

    affairs, she who organized his wardrobe and

412 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN

his requirements, she who took him for picnics to pretty riverbanks and

picturesque villages. She made no more demands on his time than he was

prepared to give, and did not complain if he went exploring on his own.

So they arrived at an understanding that made life pleasurable to both of

them, that was based on the friendship they had before their marriage, but

that now was deeper and more fulfilling because their lives were so

inextricably intertwined. Each was essentially happy, and if there were

missing elements that might have made that happiness more complete, both

thought them a small sacrifice to make for their general sense of

contentment.

    Sometimes Lizzie longed for children, but her fear of the pain of

    childbirth was so great she was glad she had not become pregnant.

    Sometimes Jass longed for Easter, but she was there, waiting for him, and

    his absence from her only made his heart fonder of her and, by extension,

    of Queen.

    They were away for fifteen months. It was longer than they had planned,

    but they were having such a good time they saw no need to return. The

    estate was in the capable hands of Tom Kirkman, the mansion was Sally's

    domain, and the price of cotton was high. In London, Jass met enough

    people who were sympathetic to the Southern cause to persuade him that

    the South would always have a formidable ally, and this allayed his

    concerns about the increasing friction with the North. Lizzie, for her

    part, was not overly anxious to assume her new role at The Forks, for it

    meant that she would be displacing Sally, and Lizzie still had certain

    nervous fears about her mother-in-law.

    But eventually they got homesick, and bored with the wandering life, and

    they came home and were glad of it. They had laid the foundations of an

    excellent marriage, and were anxious to put their new domestic life into

    effect.

Lizzie knew he would go to Easter, and she tried to block the idea from

her mind, tried not to think about it, and mostly succeeded. There was

nothing in the mansion to remind her of Easter's presence. The weaving

house was discreetly tucked away, and Jass was discreet about venturing

there. From time to time, she would see that little white pickaninny

wandering about the plantation, and when she did, it stabbed at her heart,

    MERGING 413

for she had not yet provided lass with an heir and had no little baby of

her own to love, and she was jealous of Easter, because of Queen. Sally

seemed to understand this, and fond as she was of Queen, she would try to

see her away from the house, or at least away from Lizzie's sight. Sally

also behaved beautifully in the matter of the succession, handing over the

reins of running the household to Lizzie without demur, but always there

for help and advice.

    In truth, Sally was pleased to be relieved of much of her responsibility.

    Since James died, Sally had found her role arduous, for it had lost its

    meaning for her. She had worked hard and capably all her days, and now

    she was looking forward to a rest. She made a decision that once Lizzie

    was comfortably settled in, she would travel herself for a while, not to

    Europe, that was too strenuous for her, but to friends and relatives

    throughout the South. She also intended to go North for a while, to see

    for herself what all the fuss was about. And she was pleased with Lizzie,

    for she seemed to be making Jass happy.

    Jass was happy, his life divided into compartments that made one entity.

    Always daunted by the myriad details of running the estate, he had Tom

    and Lizzie, with Sally standing by, to run the house, the plantation, and

    all the intricacies of their lives, leaving him free to concentrate on

    the overview. And he had Easter. He had gone to her on the first night

    of his return, and nothing had changed between them, and now he believed

    that nothing ever would. He had coped with all the great changes life had

    thrown at him, and survived, and there wouldn't be any more great changes

    to cope with. He was free to enjoy life.

    The only thing missing was a son, by Lizzie, and he was puzzled that she

    had shown no signs of pregnancy. He did not connect this to the fact that

    Easter had never become pregnant again, because he didn't want her to

    have another child,

Because there was Queen, and Queen was enough for him.

    He loved her. She had grown while he was away, but was still small for

    her age, and serious and demure. She seemed to carry the weight of the

    world around with her and seldom smiled, but when she did it dazzled him

    and broke his heart. All the pent-up love he had for a child of his own

    was directed

414 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN

toward Queen, and if that love could never be expressed, it did not in any

way diminish its value.

She was so pretty, too. He was out for a walk one day and saw her playing

ring-around-the-rosy with some other slave children. He hid behind a tree

and watched them for a while, delighting in his lovely daughter.

    The smile faded from his face as he heard what the other children were

    singing:

"Queen, Queen, say she white, but she nigger like us!"

    Queen was standing in the center of the ring of children, tears in her

    eyes.

"I am white," she cried. "Look at me!"

    "Queen, Queen," they chanted. "Ain't got no pappy, don't know who he is."

    "He love me," Queen called at them, in despair. "He ain't ever gonna let

    anyone hurt me!"

    The more she protested, the more they jeered, until she broke, and stood

    amongst them weeping her distress.

    Jass could not stand it. He moved quickly from behind the tree, and called

    out to them.

"Get out of here, you little brats!"

    The sight of the Massa, angry, scared them, and they ran away. Queen was

on

    her knees, still crying. Jass came close to her, and put an arm around her,

    told her not to cry, he wouldn't let anyone hurt her.

"They call me names." Queen was wretched.

    Jass remembered his days at school when they used to call him "nigger

    lover" and beat him up. He smiled.

    "People used to call me names, too, when I was little," he told her, drying

    her eyes with his handkerchief. "I wonder why people do that?"

    Queen had no illusions. "Coz I different. Coz I look white. Coz I can

    read."

Jass had no idea of this, and was shocked.

    "Don't ever tell anyone you can read, Queen," he commanded her gently.

    "Some people wouldn't like it. They might hurt you."

    She looked at him with innocent eyes. "My pappy would stop them," she said.

    "You could stop them."

    MERGING 415

    At that moment, he would have stopped the world for her. He longed, with

    all his heart to take her into his arms, and hold her close to him, and

    never let anyone hurt her, ever again. He might have done it, for her