Radiance (41 page)

He sat up and gripped the rail of the bed.  “Gabriella…” 

“Hudson, you have done
enough
.  From the first
hour
you met me, you’ve had to protect me from the results of my mistakes.  You’ve done so much,
too much
, for me.  I’m one fucking mess after another.” 

“You are
not
a mess.  Nothing about you is messy.”

“My heart hurts so bad.  It feels heavy and useless.” 

“It
will
get better.  I promise.”

“Hudson…
I really wanted my baby
.”  She fell apart and he bent to hold her tight as she sobbed against him for a long time. 

Gasping, her fingers tightened on him.  “He moved and I thought he w-would be okay after all, despite the medications and everything.  I knew he’d make the pain better and I wouldn’t be alone.  I would have someone to love, who would love me back.  Someone of my
very own
to love.” 

“I know, I know, Gabriella.  I’m so sorry.” 

“I would have been a
good
mother.” 

“The very
best
mother and one day you will be.” 

“No.  I wanted
this
baby.  This baby was Harper’s and that’s like having a baby from both of them.  I would have loved him extra to make up for all the love Elijah didn’t have as a little boy.  He would have been part of the three of us, from the happiest time in my life.  Wickedly smart and beautiful like his father.  Maybe a little creative like me.  I’d have bought him a violin and hurt a little bit when he played…” 

She wept bitterly and Hudson cupped her face.  “You’re strong, Gabriella.  One of the strongest people I’ve ever met.  You
will
make it through this.” 

“I’m tired, Hudson.  I’m so
tired
.”

“I know…but you have to fight.  I need this
one thing
from you.  Look at me.”  She met his black eyes and saw his pain for her.  “Fight.  Don’t you fucking
quit
on me.  I didn’t quit and you can’t either.”

“You’re
you
…I’m just
me
.” 

“You listen to me.  There are too many people who will
break
if you give up.  We can’t lose you.  I know you’re in pain.  You need to grieve and get strong again.  Then you have to get your ass back to your
life
.”

“It hurts
deep
, Hudson.”  She choked back her tears.

“It will always hurt but you
will
make it.  You’re our
best friend
.  You hold that position because you’re kind and loving but also because you’re strong.  You have to be strong for me again.” 

She whispered, “I-I don’t want to let you down.” 

“You could
never
let me down.”  He pressed a kiss to her forehead, pulled back, and stared into her eyes.  “
Swear it
, Gabriella.  Swear to me you won’t quit and if the pain gets too bad, you’ll call me.  You can’t lie.  If you swear it to me, I’ll put my trust in you as you have
always
put your trust in me.” 

Tears streaming into her hair, she managed, “I swear I won’t quit, Hudson.” 

“Good girl.” 

“I need to breathe in a place where no one knows me.  I need to grieve my b-baby.  My soul feels bruised, broken.  Will you help me?” 

Hudson smoothed her hair.  “
Always
.”

* * *

When Gabriella fell asleep, Hudson stepped into the hall and stared at Elijah for a long moment. 

Harper saw his determination, his rage, and his sadness. 

Listening to her had been the hardest thing Harper had ever had to do.  Elijah demanded he know her pain. 

As they stood outside the room, the man he loved stared into his eyes and endured every word with him.  Holding him against the wall with his palm on Harper’s chest, he was utterly still as tears slipped over his cheeks.

He wondered if either of them would ever forgive him.

Hudson rubbed his hands over his face.  “If you hurt her, if you break her again, both of you will answer to me.”  His voice was quiet, deadly.  “I help you only because I need her to keep breathing.  If she stops, I swear on my life, I
will
destroy you.” 

“Understood.”  Elijah’s voice was equally quiet.

He shook his head.  “I should get her behind the highest walls to protect her from both of you.” 

“I would
scale
them and you
know
it.  Nothing will keep me from her now.”

Harper didn’t blink when Hudson turned his fierce gaze on him.  “Learn from her pain, learn from your own.” 

He stepped closer and said softly, “You are
better
than you have been, Harper.  You are
stronger
than this.  Gabriella found you
worthy
.  Prove her right.” 

Natalia walked into Hudson’s arms, her eyes swollen and red from crying.  “I once told you she was too good for you and I stand by that statement.  She
chose
you, Harper.  She
chose
Elijah.  Her love will make you stronger.  Accept it.” 

Looking up, she told her husband, “They’re going to release her tomorrow.  I found the perfect villa in Croatia.  Easily fortified and defended.  There’s an apartment across the courtyard that overlooks it.”

“Take them both.” 

“Already done, darling.” 

“Call Vi.”

“I left her a voicemail.” 

Hudson kissed her lips and rested his forehead on her hair.  “That was the most painful conversation I’ve ever had, Natalia.  I feel ripped
apart
.” 

“You were the only one Gabriella would have listened to at this point, darling.  I-I couldn’t have been half as strong.  Thank you.”  She stroked his face.  “How I
love
you, Hudson.” 

“I love you.”  He met Natalia’s eyes.  “You were as excited as she was.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s our
Gabriella
.  I may fear children but
she
doesn’t.  I could have enjoyed him with backup.”  She blinked against tears.  “She was trying to
will
her body to save him. 
If I can just focus hard enough, if I can calm down
.  I just…the
blood
, Hudson.” 

“Natalia.”  He wrapped her as tightly to his body as he could and stroked the back of her head.  “She’s strong.  She’ll make it through this.”  She nodded against him.

Harper felt utter devastation.  While Elijah watched the couple, he slipped into Gabriella’s room. 

Her curly hair was tangled around her, her skin gray from blood loss.  She looked too fragile. 

She’d spent too much time in hospitals over the last two years. 

Bending, he pressed a light kiss to her temple and whispered, “I’m sorry, Gabriella.  I’ll make it right.  I love you.” 

As he straightened, Elijah stood beside him.  His expression as he took in her still form made Harper’s stomach cramp with shame. 

He bent to kiss her and said softly, “I love you.  I’m sorry I left you alone.  Forgive me.” 

Then Elijah wrapped his arms around Harper and hugged him tighter than he had in years. 

Mid-December 2015

A few days later, Hudson and Natalia sat in the limo and held Brie’s hands.  She couldn’t stop shaking.  It felt
wrong
that the sun was shining, that the day was so beautiful. 

“You will call the moment you land.” 

It wasn’t a request and she smiled at Hudson despite how strange it felt on her face.  “I will.” 

“We’ll miss you
terribly
.  I hate not knowing how long you’ll be gone, darling.” 

Blinking against tears, she struggled to find words.  “Until the pain stops.  I’m not sure.” 

Natalia held her hand and brought her forward to rest their foreheads against each other.  “Right now, I know life seems very dark but you have a natural radiance.  It’s something you were born with and it will fill you up again if you welcome it, Gabriella.  When the time is right, open your heart to the light.” 

She nodded and swallowed hard as Natalia sat back.  “When I come back, I’ll be stronger.  I won’t lean on you so much.” 

Hudson squeezed her hand and she looked at him.  “Every day I’ve known you, in
every
situation, you have given so much more than you take.” 

“Thank you, Hudson.” 

“Remember your vow to me, Gabriella.” 

“I won’t forget.  I’ll c-call if it gets too bad.” 

Leonard held the door and they got out together.  The driver gathered her carefully to him.  “I believe in you, Brie.  Give yourself time to heal so you can smile again.  You owe me a rematch when you get back.” 

“You always let me win, Leo.”  He laughed and let her go with a wink.  “Take care of them.” 

“I promise.” 

Attendants came to take her bags while the plane idled on the tarmac.  Hudson and Natalia hugged her tightly and she hugged them back even harder, inhaling deeply of the strongest and most loving people she’d ever met. 

Pulling back, she took a deep breath.  “I love you.  Thank you.” 

“We love
you
, darling.” 

“Gabriella.”  She looked into black eyes that sparkled.  “Come back.  Your presence makes me happy.” 

Nodding, she hugged them again and got on the plane. 

While she waited for takeoff, she wrote the men she thought of constantly.  It was an important step for herself, to end their time together with positive words, thoughts, and feelings. 

Elijah, I want you to remember that someone in the world needs you to keep going…to keep breathing.  Knowing you’re out there helps me.  Please don’t be angry with Harper.  Love him and forgive him.  See the man you’ve always loved, the way you saw me.  Show him how the heart works.  You have that knowledge now.  Your heart is so beautiful.  I love you always, Brie

She sent it and gave herself a moment to calm down before she wrote the words she’d wanted to say months ago.

Harper, I understand why my presence was so hard for you.  I’m sorry for the pain I know I caused, for intruding on something that has always been vital to your happiness.  Please love Elijah in all the ways he deserves and let him love you just as hard.  Don’t be afraid.  I regret nothing and will forever remember our moments fondly.  I see your love for Elijah.  Don’t forget to also love yourself because you’re worthy.  Gabriella

Struggling, she pulled herself together. 

She turned off the secured cell they’d never asked her to return, slid her sunglasses in place, and got the fuck out of the western hemisphere. 

* * *

At the apartment in Manhattan, Elijah read the short message from Brie several times.  He felt the
pain
in her words.  He also felt her
love
.  She would always be unshakeable. 

How he missed touching her, breathing her in, loving her.

He received a second message from Winters that outlined her itinerary. 

When Harper leaned his head back against the sofa and put his hand over his eyes, there was no doubt he’d received a message of his own. 

Moving to sit beside him, Elijah brought him to his shoulder.  It was the first time he’d touched him since the hospital and the low sounds of pain he made affected him deeply. 

“I love you, Harper.  I’m sorry for many things.”  He stroked his hand over silken black hair as he wept against him.  “It’s only when you’re awakened that you realize how long you’ve been sleeping.  I’ll make it right.” 

“I’ve been a horrible person, Elijah.”  The words were barely audible.  “I’ve put you through so much bullshit.”  He lifted his face.  “You’ve loved me better than I’ve loved you and I’m sorry, so sorry, for never seeing what I was doing.” 

Elijah pressed his lips to his forehead, his cheeks, and claimed his lips in a way that reminded both of them of the first time they’d kissed. 

Testing the waters, expressing untapped desires, and embracing love that was scorned by the majority of the world. 

When their love was new and beautiful.

As their tongues coiled together, he stopped and experienced everything.  Harper’s fingers tightened on his arms.  He took his breath and gave it back.  The strength of his hands, the warmth of his skin, the softness of his hair.  Elijah
saw
the man he had in his arms for the first time in a long time. 

When they pulled apart, they stared at one another. 

Taking a deep breath, Harper whispered, “I’m going to thank Gabriella for days when we have her back.”  His hands lifted and he cupped Elijah’s cheeks.  “You
see
me again.” 

Stroking his palm along his neck, he confessed the words he’d held back for two decades.  “It…hurt me.  The way you were.  There were so
many
, Harper.  I had to pull back.” 

“I was selfish.  I didn’t know I was hurting you.”

He shook his head.  “There are two people in all my lifetime whose touch I’ve welcomed.  With you and Brie, I give and receive touch willingly.  To make my vows was no hardship to me.  It
isn’t
self-denial.  It’s an
honor
to preserve who I am for the only people I love.” 

Harper put his palm over Elijah’s heart.  “When I was eighteen, the first time I touched you, I
knew
there would never be another man.  I thought you knew that, that you knew you were unique to me.  I should have told you.” 

He swallowed hard.  “I thought from the start that women would fill a place that was empty inside me.  In the beginning, I made an effort to talk to them, to know them, but they were so shallow.” 

His smile was self-deprecating.  “You know my type.  It was about the money, the power, the position.  I started to hate them, to use them, to
punish
them for the emptiness I felt.” 

Elijah watched him breathe deeply.  “Then we met Gabriella.  She was different.  She made me
hope
and it made me furious.  I didn’t want to try again at
forty
.  I fought her but she’s fucking
relentless
in her nature.” 

“She twisted you up.”  He lifted his hand and brushed his fingers through Harper’s hair.  His lashes drifted closed at the simple contact.  “Tell me, Harper.” 

“The morning after she burned down…the building, I-I shared myself with her and I felt incredible, free for the first time.” 

His face contorted in pain.  “We left a few hours later.  I started thinking, wondering,
doubting
her.  The entire time we were gone, I obsessed over it.  I felt vulnerable.  I kept finding reasons not to go back to her.  It built and I resented that she had access to you that I didn’t.” 

“My fault, Harper.  I handled it wrong.  I see that now.  I wanted to establish a bond between the two of you.  To have you
include
her.  I thought we were strong, you and I.  Gabriella and I were strong.  I wanted to give you time to see how you could be with each other.  You have so much in common.” 

“I thought…you needed
her
to want
me
.” 

“No.  I wish I’d understood.” 

“When we got back, she…she did more for my birthday than any woman other than my mother.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I treated her the way I treated Danielle when she wanted to go on vacation together.  With my dead wife, I knew it was so she could shop.  Gabriella just wanted to be good to me.  By the time I realized, she was gone.  You were so angry.” 

“It reinforced what you already thought.”  Harper nodded.  “I’m sorry.  It was never about that.”  He sighed.  “For years, you’ve had so many women in and out of your bed, I figured you were fine.  You didn’t seem to miss me, to need me, unless we were in the sanctuary or you needed a third.” 

Harper’s face contorted in pain.  “
Elijah.
”  Hugging him hard, he whispered, “I always miss you.  I always need you.  I love you.  I know I haven’t shown it but I
always
love you.” 

Gripping him tight, he inhaled the scent of him.  “Thank you.”

Leaning back, Harper smiled and it was as heart-stopping as it was when he was eighteen.  “I’ll eventually have to get back to work.  I’ve taken more time off in the last months than I have in more than twenty years.”  He traced the lines of Elijah’s face.  “When do we leave for Croatia?” 

Elijah powered him to his back on the couch.  Harper was shocked, staring up at him.  “After I remind you how much I love you, Harper.” 

“Gabriella…” 

“Is going to need us solid, strong.  Natalia was right that we must be
three couples
as well as a threesome.  Brie tried to tell me the same thing months ago.  I wasn’t paying attention.” 

He gripped Harper to him.  “I almost lost the
only
two things on this fucking planet that really
matter
to me.”  He shook his head.  “I won’t repeat my mistakes.” 

“I can wait, Elijah.”

“You shouldn’t have to.  I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

Claiming his mouth, he rocked himself against Harper, holding him roughly, touching him more forcefully than he touched Brie.  One day, if they had the chance to be with her again, he hoped to show her the differences. 

He had no doubt it would fascinate her, stimulate her. 

Rising from the couch in a single movement, he lifted Harper to his feet, took his hand, and led him to his bedroom. 

Tearing at their clothes, Elijah felt like he could breathe again when they were naked together.  He shoved him to the bed, followed him down, and soaked up the sounds of pleasure Harper made. 

Kissing him, touching him, he reconnected to the man he’d always loved.  He needed to remind himself, to remind Harper, of how strong they’d once been together, how hard they’d loved for so many years. 

He had to heal the breaks they had between them before they could include Brie.  It would never work otherwise. 

The past could not repeat itself.

Elijah remembered the pleasure Brie felt at simple touch and how similar they were to each other.  They were male and female equals.  The only difference was that Brie exposed herself to the world while Harper hid behind expectations. 

Moving from his lips, he traced his mouth along his jaw.  “When you were seventeen, I was training you in Krav Maga.” 

Breathlessly, Harper murmured, “I remember…” 

“I was showing you a cross-body technique and you were bowed across my torso.  It was the first time I noticed you were hard.  I started paying attention.”  Kissing down his neck, he massaged his shoulders firmly.  “I’d never voluntarily allowed another person to touch me.  I wanted
you
to touch me.” 

Warm hands started to touch him back and it made Elijah smile.  “I didn’t care that you were male, I didn’t define it.  At the time, I didn’t have much emotional capability to do it, even if I’d tried.  All my life to that point, I’d been trained to fight, to kill, to protect.  I didn’t know what love was.” 

Sliding further down his body, he bit a taut nipple and Harper moaned, his hands raking through his hair and holding him close.  “The night before the attack when you were eighteen, I walked the house after midnight.  Your mother’s dog had pushed your door open.  I watched you stroking off.” 

A low groan and Harper lifted his hips, pressing himself against Elijah’s belly.  “I’d never been so hard in my life.  Then you came and whispered…” 

“
Elijah…
” 

“It made me more aggressive the next day.  While I’d always been worried about your safety, I felt as if fate would snatch you from me…I’d already lost so much.” 

He rested his cheek on Harper’s stomach, defined as it had always been from the brutal workouts Elijah insisted on for both of them.  He’d never risk his survival on a lack of fitness.

“Then you kept me in the room near yours while I recovered.  It was the most time I’d ever spent with you outside of training or school.  All our time together had been scheduled.”