Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) (3 page)

Dan Rebellato

March 2001

Shopping and Fucking
was first performed at the Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, London, on 26 September 1996. The cast was as follows:

Directed by
Max Stafford-Clark

Designed by
Julian McGowan

Lighting by
Johanna Town

Sound by
Paul Arditti

A slash in the dialogue (/) indicates that the next actor should start their line, creating overlapping speech.

Flat – once rather stylish, now almost entirely stripped bare
.

Lulu
and
Robbie
are trying to get
Mark
to eat from a carton of takeaway food
.

Lulu
     Come on. Try some.

Pause
.

Come on. You must eat.

Pause
.

Look, please. It’s delicious. Isn’t that right?

Robbie
     That’s right.

Lulu
     We’ve all got to eat.

Here.

Come on, come on.

A bit for me.

Mark
vomits

Robbie
     Shit. Shit.

Lulu
     Why does that alw . . . ?

Darling – could you? Let’s clean this mess up.

Why does this happen?

Mark
     Please.

Lulu
     This will . . . come on . . . it’s alright.

Mark
     Look, please.

Lulu
     Thank you.

See? It’s going. Going . . . going . . . gone.

Robbie
     Alright? OK?

Lulu
     Yes, yes. He’s alright now.

Mark
     Look . . . you two go to bed.

Lulu
     Leave you like this?

Mark
     I want to be alone for a while.

Robbie
     Is someone coming round?

Lulu
     Do you owe money?

Mark
     No. No one’s coming round. Now – go to bed.

Lulu
     So what are you going to do?

Mark
     Just sit here. Sit and think. My head’s a mess. I’m fucked.

Robbie
     You’ll be alright.

Mark
     I’m so tired.

Look at me. I can’t control anything. My . . . guts. My mind.

Robbie
     We have good times don’t we?

Mark
     Of course we have. I’m not saying that.

Robbie
     Good times. The three of us. Parties. Falling into taxis, out of taxis. Bed.

Mark
     That was years ago. That was the past.

Lulu
     And you said: I love you both and I want to look after you for ever.

Mark
     Look I . . .

Lulu
     Tell us the shopping story.

Mark
     Please I want to . . .

Robbie
     Yeah, come on. You still remember the shopping story.

Pause
.

Mark
     Well alright.

I’m watching you shopping.

Lulu
     No. Start at the beginning.

Mark
     That’s where it starts.

Robbie
     No it doesn’t. It starts with: ‘summer’.

Mark
     Yes. OK.

It’s summer. I’m in a supermarket. It’s hot and I’m sweaty. Damp. And I’m watching this couple shopping. I’m watching you. And you’re both smiling. You see me and you know sort of straight away that I’m going to have you. You know you don’t have a choice. No control. Now this guy comes up to me. He’s a fat man. Fat and hair and lycra and he says:

See the pair by the yoghurt?

Well, says fat guy, they’re both mine. I own them. I own them but I don’t want them – because you know something? – they’re trash. Trash and I hate them. Wanna buy them?

How much?

Piece of trash like them. Let’s say . . . twenty. Yeah, yours for twenty.

So, I d the deal. I hand it over. And I fetch you. I don’t have to say anything because you know. You’ve seen the transaction.

And I take you both away and I take you to my house. And you see the house and when you see the house you know it. You understand? You know this place.

And I’ve been keeping a room for you and I take you into this room. And there’s food. And it’s warm. And we live out our days fat and content and happy.

Pause
.

Listen. I didn’t want to say this. But I have to.

I’m going.

Lulu
     Scag. Loves the scag.

Mark
     Not any more.

Robbie
     Loves the scag more than he loves us.

Mark
     Look. Look now. That isn’t fair. I hate the scag.

Lulu
     Still buying the scag though, aren’t you?

Mark
     No. I’m off the scag. Ten days without the scag. And I’m going away.

Robbie
     From us?

Mark
     Yes. Tonight.

Lulu
     Where are you going?

Mark
     I want to get myself sorted. I need help. Someone has to sort me out.

Robbie
     Don’t do that. You don’t need to do that. We’re helping you.

Lulu
     We’re sorting you out.

Mark
     It’s not enough. I need something more.

Robbie
     You’re going? And leaving us?

Mark
     I’m going to get help.

Robbie
     Haven’t we tried? We’ve tried. What do you think we’ve been doing? All this time. With the . . . clearing up when you, you . . .

Lulu
     Where?

Mark
     Just a place.

Lulu
     Tell us.

Mark
     A centre. For treatment.

Lulu
     Are you coming back?

Mark
     Of course I am.

Robbie
     When?

Mark
     Well that all depends on how well I respond. To the treatment. A few months.

Robbie
     Where is it? We’ll visit.

Mark
     No.

Robbie
     We’ll come and see you.

Mark
     I mustn’t see you.

Robbie
     I thought you loved me. You don’t love me.

Mark
     Don’t say that. That’s a silly thing to say.

Lulu
     Hey. Hey, look. If you’re going, then go.

Robbie
     You don’t love me.

Lulu
     Look what you’ve done. Look what you’ve done to him.

What are you waiting for? A taxi? Maybe you want me to call a taxi? Or maybe you haven’t got the money? You going to ask me for the money? Or maybe just take the money? You’ve sold everything. You’ve stolen.

Mark
     Yes. It’s not working. That’s why I’m going.

Lulu
     Yes. I think you should. No. Because we’re going to be fine. We’re going to do very well. And I think maybe you shouldn’t come back. We won’t want you back.

Mark
     Let’s wait and see.

Lulu
     You don’t own us. We exist. We’re people. We can get by. Go.

Fuck right off. Go. GO.

Mark
     Goodbye.

Exit
Mark
.

Robbie
     Stop him. Tell him to stay. Tell him I love him.

Lulu
     He’s gone now. Come on. He’s gone. We’ll be alright. We don’t need him. We’ll get by.

Interview room
.

Brian
and
Lulu
sit facing each other.
Brian
is showing
Lulu
an illustrated plastic plate
.

Brian
     And there’s this moment. This really terrific moment. Quite possibly the best moment. Because really, you see, his father is dead. Yes? The Lion King was crushed – you feel the sorrow welling up in you – crushed by a wild herd of these big cows. One moment, lord of all he surveys. And then . . . a breeze, a wind, the stamping of a hundred feet and he’s gone. Only it wasn’t an accident. Somebody had a plan. You see?

Lulu
     Yes. I see.

Brian
     Any questions. Any uncertainties. You just ask.

Lulu
     Of course.

Brian
     Because I want you to follow.

Lulu
     Absolutely.

Brian
     So then we’re . . . there’s . . .

Lulu
     Crushed by a herd of wild cows.

Brian
     Crushed by a herd of wild cows. Yes.

Lulu
     Only it wasn’t an accident.

Brian
     Good. Excellent. Exactly. It wasn’t an accident. It may have looked like an accident but. No. It was arranged by the uncle. Because –

Lulu
     Because he wanted to be King all along.

Brian
     Thought you said you hadn’t seen it.

Lulu
     I haven’t.

Instinct. I have good instincts. That’s one of my qualities. I’m an instinctive person.

Brian
     Is that right?

Brian
writes down ‘instinctive’ on a pad
.

Brian
     Good. Instinctive. Could be useful.

Lulu
     Although of course I can also use my rational side. Where appropriate.

Brian
     So you’d say you appreciate order?

Lulu
     Order. Oh yes. Absolutely. Everything in its place.

Brian
writes down ‘appreciates order
’.

Brian
     Good. So now the father is dead. Murdered. It was the uncle. And the son has grown up. And you know – he looks like the dad. Just like him. And this sort of monkey thing comes to him. And this monkey says: ‘It’s time to speak to your dead dad.’ So he goes to the stream and he looks in and he sees –

Lulu
     / His own reflection.

Brian
     his own reflection. You’ve never seen this?

Lulu
     Never.

Brian
     But then . . . The water ripples, it hazes. Until he sees a ghost. A ghost or a memory looking up at him. His . . .

Pause
.

Excuse me. It takes you right here. Your throat tightens. Until . . . he sees . . . his . . . dad.

My little one. Gets to that bit and I look round and he’s got these big tears in his eyes. He feels it like I do.

Because now the dad speaks. And he says: ‘The time has come. It is time for you to take your place in the Cycle of Being (words to that effect). You are my son and the one true King.’

And he knows what it is he’s got to do. He knows who it is he has to kill.

And that’s the moment. That’s our favourite bit.

Lulu
     I can see that. Yes.

Brian
     Would you say you in any way resembled your father?

Lulu
     No. Not really. Not much.

Brian
     Your mother?

Lulu
     Maybe. Sometimes. Yes.

Brian
     You do know who your parents are?

Lulu
     Of course. We still . . . you know. Christmas. We spend Christmas together. On the whole.

Brian
writes down ‘celebrates Christmas
’.

Brian
     So many today are lost. Isn’t that so?

Lulu
     I think that’s right. Yes.

Brian
     And some come here. They look to me. You’re looking to me, aren’t you?

Well, aren’t you?

Lulu
     Yes. I’m looking to you.

Brian
(
proffers plate
)     Here. Hold it. Just hold it up beside you. See if you look right. Smile. Look interested. Because this is special. You wouldn’t want to part with this. Can you give me that look?

Lulu
attempts the look
.

Brian
     That’s good. Very good. Our viewers, they have to believe that what we hold up to them is special. For the right sum – life is easier, richer, more fulfilling. And you have to believe that too. Do you think you can do that?

Again
Lulu
attempts the look
.

Brian
     Good. That’s very good. We don’t get many in your league.

Lulu
     Really?

Brian
     No. That really is very . . . distinctive.