Ray of Light (21 page)

“Then why the tears?”

Even though she didn't think she had the words to try to explain herself, she knew she had to give it a try. “For so long I've been missing Wesley that I didn't think I could feel anything but dead inside. At first, I was sad. Then, I felt empty. Then, little by little, I began to look around at other men in my life. But not a one interested me. I started to think that I was destined to spend the rest of my life alone.”

“But now?”

“Now I feel hope.” She smiled. “For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have something to look forward to. It's, ah, overwhelming. That's why I was crying. I can hardly believe that I really am going to be able to say goodbye to my past.”

He took off his stocking cap and tossed it on the bench beside them and ran his hand through his hair. “So, even though you're crying, it's for a good reason.”

“I think so.”

He brushed a finger under her eye, catching her tears as delicately as if he were trying to catch a butterfly. “I wish you weren't crying.”

“I do, too. But all in all? These tears aren't a bad thing. I'm starting to realize that my future can be special because of you.”

“I like the sound of that . . . we need to string special and future and you all together more often.”

She chuckled, as she knew he'd hoped she would.

Yes, she still felt guilty about Wesley, but she was also starting to realize that he'd been right when she'd sat by his bedside and he made her talk about a future without him in it.

“If that's the reason for your tears, then you can cry all you want,” he said with a smile as he leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips against her cheek. “You make me happy. Both you and Regina make me happy. I can hardly wait for us all to be together one day.”

It was almost a proposal, Amanda realized. He wasn't going to push her, but his intent was clear. Wiping away the last of her tears with a swipe of her mitten, she said, “Roman, I can hardly wait for you to return to Pinecraft. I'll take you all around, and we'll start to make plans.”

“That sounds great. You know, Sam and Lorene have been talking to my uncle Aden. I think my family might even buy a cottage there. That way we'll have a house to go to when we visit.”

“Visit?”

“Yes,” he said with a smile. “I know we're jumping ahead of ourselves, but I didn't want you to ever think that I mean to take you away from everything in Florida.”

“Roman, I've never considered living anywhere else.”

“Not even here?”

“No. I need to stay in Florida.” That was where Regina's grandparents were. That was where Wesley was buried. Where all their memories were. Even though she might be ready to move forward, she certainly wasn't ready to forget about everything she'd had with him.

He pulled away from her. The two-inch gap that now lay between them chilled her skin. Just as his words froze her heart.

“Amanda, I can't move to Florida.” He ran a hand through his hair again. “I thought you understood that.”

“
Nee
.” With a sense of dismay, she felt their future slipping away as fast as Roman said the snow melted in spring. As fast as she knew the water receded from the shoreline during low tide.

“Amanda, my life is here.”

“In Florida, you told me you weren't happy here.”

“My family is going through a rough patch, for sure. That was what I needed to get away from.”

“But you said you loved Pinecraft.”

“That was true. Of course I love Pinecraft. What's not to like? It's warm and sunny. Everyone there is more relaxed. People are smiling. The beach is there.”

“Then what has changed? Why do you sound like you now could never make a home there?”

“Now that I've been home, and things have settled down, I realize that I had only needed a vacation. And though I do like Florida, I realized I loved Pinecraft because you were there. I realized I was unhappy because I didn't have you in my life. That's changed.”

He scooted closer again, obviously eager to press his point. “If you move here, we can still have each other. I know right now all this cold and snow feels strange, but in time you'll get used to it. And summer does come.” He smiled slightly. “It always does.”

He was missing the point. She wasn't worried about the weather. She was thinking about her life! She couldn't just up and leave it. She couldn't plan for a future where she had to give up practically everything she had.

After all, she'd already given up so much already. She'd already lost Wesley. Did she need to lose everything else, too? “Roman, I don't think you're seeing things from my side.”

Though he looked in her eyes, he wasn't seeing her. “We can figure this out, Amanda. Don't worry. You'll like it here, and I feel certain everyone's going to love you.”

“But—”

He spoke again, effectively stopping anything she had to say. “Amanda, I'm a farmer, and this is where the farm is. And I just accepted the preaching position in our church district. I'm a leader in our church community now. That's a serious commitment.”

“But wouldn't a marriage to me be a serious commitment, too? I mean, that is what we are discussing, right? Marriage.”

“Of course.”

But he hadn't actually asked, had he?

And he hadn't actually mentioned love, had he?

The shine of happiness faded as the realities of what they were discussing came to light. “I think it would be best if we went back.”

“I'd rather we stayed here and talked things out.”

“Please, it's time to go back.”

“Amanda, we don't have much time.”

“Of course we do,” she said impatiently. “You've waited your whole life for some woman to be just ‘right' for you.”

“And you are.” He reached for her hand. “You're perfect for me.”

She snatched her hand right back. “There's more to a relationship than that. I can't only be the woman who fits in with your plan. I need to be the woman in your life who you want to move heaven and earth to have.”

Even in the evening night, she could see his bemused expression. “Move heaven and earth? I would have thought you would have been long past spouting such fanciful phrases, Amanda.”

“And I would have thought you'd be more than ready to spout them,” she replied sharply, trying to cover up her embarrassment. “Please take me back. Now.”

He clicked the reins and motioned Chester forward. The bells on the side of the sleigh jangled as they glided forward. They sounded merry and bright.

Snow was still gently falling, but whereas before it had felt magical and special . . . now it only felt cold and wet.

Amanda scooted farther away from Roman. Needing space as her future evaporated and became what it had been all along . . . just spun dreams that dissolved with the night.

So quickly grasped . . . too easily gone.

Chapter Twenty-four

“You, brother, are a fool,” Elsie declared when she entered the barn just as the sun began to rise the following morning.

Glancing over his shoulder, seeing her bundled up in her thick black cape and bright pink mittens, he almost smiled. But nothing, not even Elsie's pink mittens, could lighten his mood. “
Gut
matin
, to you, sister,” he said sarcastically. “What brings you here on a Sunday morning?”

“Oh for heaven's sake, Roman. Is that really all you have to say? I heard Amanda crying last night.”

“I feel bad for her but I don't see how her tears are any concern of yours.”

“I know why she was crying.”

“And you know this because . . . ”

“Because I went and knocked on her door, of course.”

“Last night?”

“Yes, Roman. Last night,” she replied matching his sarcastic tone. “She told me about not wanting to leave Pinecraft and you not wanting to leave here.”

“I'm glad you're caught up to speed. Do you have anything else to report? Maybe you went and listened outside Mamm's door, too?”

She stopped him with a hand. “Don't be like that.”

“Elsie, I don't want to talk to you about my personal life right now. No, make that ever.”

“Well, I'm not going to let you settle back into your old ways. I'm not going to let you hold everything inside. Not this time.”

“There's nothing to talk about, sister. Amanda and I are at an impasse.”

“Not necessarily. People can change their minds. Maybe she'll come around. Or, maybe you will.”

He was so frustrated with the situation, with his life, he jerked his arm away from her touch. “Elsie, there is no coming around for me. I have responsibilities here.” Bitterly, he said, “Haven't you heard that Daed is gone and Viola is too?”

“Daed will be back soon. And the rest of the family can help you farm. Lorene's John said he'd help in a heartbeat. You only have to ask.”

“It's not just the farm that I'm concerned with. There's my new position with the church. I'm taking my responsibilities as preacher seriously, Elsie.”

“I'm sure people will understand if you say you have to move. People do move, Roman.”

He was annoyed that she seemed to have all the answers. Life couldn't be manipulated as easily as she seemed to think. Sometimes certain things were more important than a single person's selfish wants. He truly believed that.

He wasn't happy about it, but he believed it.

“Roman, you're making things too difficult. You need to put yourself first sometimes. I promise, there are many able men who will make a good preacher. And we will find a way to work the farm.”

Oh, her confidence grated on him. “It's not just the land or the church I'm worried about, Elsie.” He didn't want to say it. Didn't want her to know how much they worried. But how else would she understand? “To be honest, I'm thinking about you. I promised Viola I'd look after you if she left.”

She stepped backward. “Me? Wh-what do you mean, you promised Viola?”

“Since Viola is going to be living far away, it's up to me to stay here. We talked about it, and it's fair.”

“I don't need you to stay with me. Why on earth would you think that?”

Her expression was incredulous, and he knew she was completely baffled. So, even though he didn't want to hurt her feelings, he realized he had little choice. He had to be honest, there was no other way. “Because you're going to need help,” he said quietly. “One day, a lot of help.”

“Because of my eyesight, you mean?” She adjusted her eyeglasses over her eyes, maybe in another attempt to see better. But Roman knew those thick lenses could never fix her eyesight. Elsie was going blind . . . and she seemed to be the only person who was in denial about that.

“Of course, because of your eyesight, Els. Even though it's hard, you've got to realize that you have special needs. You're going blind, and you're going to need help. It's inevitable.” Lowering his voice, he said, “And I don't mind, Elsie.”

“But I'm not blind. I can see.”

“Not well. And it's going to get worse. And Mamm and Daed won't be able to take care of you forever.” He looked down at his boots, hating the way she was staring at him, full of hurt.

But just like their father had to own up to his problems, and their grandparents had to admit their pasts, Elsie needed to finally face her future.

“I know you hate to talk about this, but it will be easier if we both face the facts.”

“Which is that you're planning to give up everything in order to take care of me, your poor, blind sister.”

“I don't mind,” he repeated. “I really don't.”

She flinched. “Roman, do you really think I'm going to be sitting around the house, expecting to be waited on hand and foot?”

“You are twisting my words, Elsie.” He shook his head in frustration. This conversation was hard for him, she had to see that. “You know what, never mind. We'll talk about this another day. When there isn't so much going on.”

“Oh, really? You're going to make that decision, too?”

“Elsie—”

“Roman, you might be shocked to hear this, but listen to me well. I
am
going to be married one day. I'm sure of it! I'll be taking care of my own
kinner
and husband and
haus
. I won't be needing you to be hovering around me. I can promise you that.”

“I hope that's what happens. I really do.” But of course, what he wasn't saying was what they both heard, clear as day: That he didn't really believe it would ever happen.

“Until that day comes, I advise you to make some plans of your own. Hasn't everything that's happened in our family given you a wake-up call? Bad things happen. But the Lord never promised us an easy life, only that he would be there for us. Let Him shoulder some of your burdens, Roman. And take a chance with your heart while you're at it.”

Too tired to argue with her anymore, he didn't reply, only stood stoically until she turned with a grunt of contempt.

Wearily, he followed her back to the house, hoping to make things better between them. But by the time he'd removed his muddy boots and hung his coat on a peg, she was nowhere to be found.

Needing something to warm his insides, he poured a cup of coffee and sat down.

He was still staring at his filled coffee cup when Regina came in.

“Hi, Roman!” she said, pattering over to him still in her nightgown.

“And hello to you. How are you this morning?”

“I'm
gut
.” She smiled. “We're gonna make some cupcakes today, 'cause there's gonna be a wedding soon and Elsie says we need tons of 'em.”

He'd been so focused on Amanda's visit, and his new duty at the church, he'd completely forgotten. “That is true,” he said gently. “Aunt Lorene's wedding day is coming up on Wednesday. That's sure to be a special day. Have you been to a wedding before?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Then you know it's going to be busy around here for the next few days. I bet all the women are going to be cooking.”

She nodded. “Mamm said a wedding takes a lot of hands. Marie said lots of ladies were coming over to set things up.”

“I think tonight when everyone's cooking, we'll have to go out for pie and then go for a walk in the snow.”

Her eyes lit up. “We can do that?”

“We can if you want to.”

She clapped her hands. “Can I go see Sam now?”

“Sam only likes to have visitors who are dressed in warm clothes. I'll take you to the barn when you're bundled up.”

With a little cheer, she scampered off.

He smiled at the sight . . . and wished all his problems could be solved by a visit to a cold barn and an irritable pig.

Moments later, he was brushing down Chester, when the barn door opened. He turned, prepared to greet Regina.

But was faced with Amanda instead.

“Did you come out here to see Sam, too?”

“
Nee
. I came to tell you that I got a reservation on the Pioneer Trails bus today. Regina and I are going to leave.”

“Today?”

“I think it's best.”

He was so stunned, so hurt, he blurted the first thing that came to his mind. “But what about the cupcake making? Regina just told me that you two planned to help all the ladies bake today. She's excited about it.”

“I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I can't bear to think about another wedding right now.”

“Because it will only remind you of Wesley?”

She blinked, as if he'd surprised her, then nodded. “Yes. Because of that.”

Well, that was that, then. No matter what he did, he was never going to measure up to Wesley Yoder. He turned away to hide his hurt. “I guess you better pack then.”

He felt her presence, then breathed a sigh of relief when she turned and walked back out of the barn.

She was only a few steps away, but it felt as if she'd already walked out of his life.