Ray of Light (23 page)

He rushed on with his explanation. “The police deemed it an accident, but we all knew better. She and I were fighting, arguing. I was yelling at her while I was driving the buggy in the rain.”

“But—”

“After it was all over, I couldn't take the guilt,” he whispered. “I knew I needed to get away, to start over again. . . . ”

His voice drifted off, but now Lovina realized she could fill in the gaps.

Now she understood why he'd courted her, even though she wasn't Amish. Now she understood why they'd moved to Ohio and never went back to Pennsylvania.

All this time, she'd imagined it was because of her painful memories, but it had been for his.

“I killed my wife and son, Lovina,” Aaron said, his voice flat. “Then I married you on top of a pile of lies and moved you far away so I could pretend it never happened.”

She felt like all the air had been forced out of her. “For forty years, you did a good job of it.”

“Possibly.” He shrugged. After a few seconds, he added, “Lovina, I don't know what else to say.”

“I think I do.” Abruptly, she made a decision. “We need to go back. Aaron, we need to go back to Pennsylvania and face our pasts.”

Even from her position across the room, she could see every muscle in his body tense. Then, with a sigh, the fight left him. “Lord help me, but I think you are right.”

Meeting his gaze, she saw everything she was feeling reflected in his eyes. He looked terrified, and pained. Weary.

But a new resolve was present, too.

“Please, Lord, help us both,” she murmured.

With her words still echoing in the air, she walked to the kitchen and filled up her kettle with water.

At long last, there was nothing more to be said.

Chapter Twenty-six

“I can't believe it's already time to leave,” Viola said on Monday afternoon as she stood outside the airport's entrance. “I'm not ready.”

Under his straw brim, she saw Ed's blue eyes twinkle. “That's quite a change of heart from when you first got here.”

Even under the hot sun, her cheeks were able to hold a fierce blush. “Are you going to remind me of my behavior for the rest of our lives?”

“I hope not . . . but maybe.” His tender gaze, mixed with the way he held her hand between his two lessened the sting of his words. “Everything's fine now, though. Ain't so?”

“Everything is more than fine,” she agreed. It was amazing the way the Lord had worked through her during the last few days. She'd gone from being nervous and insecure to feeling braver than she thought possible.

And the best thing of all . . . she'd come to look at the mission as her home, and the people there as potential friends. Not just her future husband's coworkers or people who were in need of help. She'd been transformed and made stronger . . . and none of it would have been possible without Edward in her life.

Now she couldn't imagine merely living her life in Berlin. Now she couldn't imagine getting as much satisfaction at her job at Daybreak. Here in Belize, by Edward's side, she felt needed and valued and worthwhile.

A car horn blared behind Edward, making them both jump.

He let go of her hand. “Don't forget to call me when you get back. I know phone calls here are expensive, but I'll worry otherwise.”

“I'll call.”

He gently touched the end of her nose. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“
Gut
. And I promise that I'll be back soon, and we'll get married.”

“That's another three months.” Right now it felt like a lifetime. A very long, very lonely lifetime.

“But then we'll always be together.” Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her close. “I miss you already. And I love you, Viola. Don't forget,” he whispered before stepping away.

“I won't forget.” She swiped away a tear.

“Please don't cry. Now, off you go.” He raised a hand. “Bye.”

Slowly, she raised her hand, too. “Goodbye, Edward. I love you, too.”

And with that, she turned and walked inside, right to the ticket counter.

“Going home, miss?” the lady said as she examined Viola's plane ticket and passport.

“Yes. I'm going home for now,” she replied.

And found herself already counting down the days until she was coming back to Belize. As Mrs. Edward Swartz.

 

“Do you think your wedding will be like this?” Elsie whispered to Viola ninety minutes into Aunt Lorene's wedding service on Wednesday morning.

They were sitting about four rows from the center on the women's side in the barn. The barn was packed with at least two hundred people, and overly warm, because the cold weather prevented too many doors from being opened. Because of that, the three-hour wedding ceremony felt longer than usual, especially for the Keim women, who'd had next to no sleep for the past twenty-four hours.

They'd been cooking and cooking and cooking. Even at that moment, a group of women were in the portable kitchen they'd rented, putting the finishing touches on all the dishes. Four women who worked with Lorene at the cheese shop were setting out paper napkins, placemats, and plastic silverware on the long tables under the white tent Roman and their uncle Sam had put up the day before.

“I imagine my wedding will be much like this,” Viola answered. “But hopefully it will be a little cooler in this barn. I'd be
verra
grateful to have fresh air to breathe.”

Elsie shifted yet again and pulled the collar of her dress out from her neck. “Fresh air would be a blessing,” she murmured.

“I'm
verra
glad that Edward and I are getting married in May.”

“It will be here before we know it.”

Viola glanced at her with worry. This wasn't the first time Elsie had made a comment like that. Viola feared Elsie was dreading their separation as much as she was. Of course, their circumstances were different. Viola would miss Elsie terribly, but she had a new life with Ed in Belize to look forward to.

And Elsie? All she could look forward to was a series of adjustments at home. She was going to have to pick up some of Viola's chores . . . and also learn to do without Viola's help.

As Viola thought about Elsie being home without her, a fresh new wave of guilt slammed into her.

It was likely Roman was going to move out soon, too. Either he and Amanda would have their own home in Berlin, or he would move to Florida. That is, if they ever decided to stop being so stubborn and learned to compromise.

But Elsie? Elsie was destined to live with their parents. Poor Elsie.

“Viola, you all right?” Elsie whispered.

Viola realized she'd been clenching her hands together. “I'm fine.”

One of the elderly ladies turned to them and frowned. “Shh.”

“Sorry,” Viola mouthed, then returned to the service again.

At the center of the barn, in between where the rows of men and women on benches faced each other, Viola watched Lorene sit primly in her lovely navy blue dress and black
kapp
.

Directly across from her, John Miller sat primly as well. His matching blue shirt drew all their eyes, though he probably had no idea. It looked as if he was hardly aware of what the ministers were saying.

No, it looked like he only had eyes and ears for Lorene.

Viola shifted as two girls scooted past their row, purses in hand. Two rows back, a young boy left his mother's arms and walked directly across to the other side of the barn, quickly locating his
daed
.

And still the minister talked.

“I wish Daed could've been here,” Elsie whispered after another ten minutes. “It don't seem right that he'd miss his sister's wedding.”

“Mamm said she expects him home any day.”

Elsie grunted, a terribly untypical response. “She told me that, too. It was kind of her to be so nice and vague.”

Viola treaded carefully. After all, usually she was the one who was impatient while Elsie was the one who kept things positive. “I'm sure he wishes he were here, twin.”

Elsie opened her mouth, then shook her head in a gesture filled with regret. “I'm sorry. I sound awful, don't I?”

“Is something wrong with you?”

“Other than I seem to be the only one out of the three of us who hasn't fallen in love?”

Viola pursed her lips. There was nothing that she could say to make things better. Poor Elsie was not likely to ever fall in love.

But Elsie took her silence as another offense. “You don't think I ever will have a husband, do you?”

“I didn't say that.”

“Viola, how do you think I feel, knowing that no one in the family believes that I have a future?”

“You're putting words into our mouths. We all think you have a future,” she said.

Another lady turned around and shushed them again.

Thankfully, further conversation was prevented by the minister raising his hands and calling them all to stand.

A thick silence settled over the congregation as the bishop gestured for Lorene and John to stand up. And then, after reading several verses from First Corinthians, Lorene and John began to recite the vows that everyone had heard a dozen times, and that many of the assembled girls had even practiced saying late at night, in the privacy of their rooms.

Viola felt a thrill go through her as she realized that her wedding might very well be the next one the community attended. Most likely she, too, would only have thoughts and eyes for her beloved.

Across the room, she met Roman's eyes and wondered what was going to happen with him and Amanda. She felt certain that he, too, had found his perfect match. All he and Amanda needed to do now was figure out a way to live together.

Obviously, she knew that wasn't always an easy task, but it could be done . . . if they wanted a life together.

Moments later, the vows were completed, and only the ending prayers needed to be said. It was the family's cue to leave and prepare for the arrival of the wedding guests and the bride and groom in the celebration tent.

Picking up her own purse, Viola led the way for her and Elsie to exit the barn. Behind her, Elsie stumbled but quickly righted herself. It took everything Viola had not to reach for her, to hold her hand.

But she couldn't refrain from looking her way.

“I am fine,” Elsie said irritably. “I am fine.”

Viola nodded. Even though they both knew Elsie wasn't fine. Not at all.

 

Late that night, after Lorene and John Miller had driven away, after the party had continued into the night, and most of the chairs and tables and trash had been put away, Roman came to a decision.

He wanted what Lorene had. He wanted what his parents and grandparents had. What Viola was looking forward to. He wanted marriage. He wanted vows. He wanted his family and friends around him, encouraging him, teasing him.

Being there.

He wanted it all. Most important, he wanted it all with Amanda and Regina. Only that lady and that little girl would make him feel happy, and would give him the life he'd been dreaming of. A fulfilled life, one with laughter and tears. With excitement and contentment.

He realized that he'd been letting everything else get in the way of his happiness. Yes, he had responsibilities to his family and their farm, but he instinctively knew that he would only grow to resent those responsibilities if he gave up his happiness for them. And that wasn't how he wanted to be. He wanted to joyfully give of himself, not do things begrudgingly.

And though he hated the thought of going to Bishop Coblentz and telling him that he couldn't be a preacher, Roman had to think that the Lord wouldn't be too disappointed in him. After all, He had been the one who had put Roman and Amanda next to each other in Pinecraft. Surely He hadn't intended for them to meet and fall in love . . . only to be apart because of a church job?

And so he was going to have to reach out to Amanda. To call her and make some changes.

Suddenly, he realized that he didn't want to simply call her on the phone. He needed to see her face when he told her that he wanted to move to Florida, if that was the only place she could live and be happy.

But as he thought of the countless hours he'd have to wait on the bus down to Florida, with its many stops along the way, he made a decision. Yes, if Viola could go gallivanting about on planes for love, he could, too.

After a lifetime of being restrained and dutiful, he was ready to throw all those traits out the window.

Being in love really did make a man different, he decided. It made him impulsive and excited.

Actually, it made him better.

Chapter Twenty-seven

Just when she thought it would never come, Marie got the phone call she'd been waiting for. “Peter, where are you?” she asked the moment she heard his voice.

“I'm at the bus station in Berlin.”

“Where have you been? I thought you were going to be here two days ago?”

“I tried to get there, dear, but my counselor's child got sick, so we couldn't meet on time, then I missed my first bus, then the second one broke down. It's been quite the adventure.”

“I guess it has.” She felt bad for him, but she wished she could turn back time, too. He'd missed Lorene's wedding, Amanda's visit, and now Roman was back in Florida.

“But I'm here now. Do you think you can come pick me up?”

Her smile was so wide, she could hardly speak. “Of course. I'll be there as soon as Chester and I can make it.”

“There's no reason to rush, Marie.” He paused. “Marie, you sound much worse. How sick are you now?”

She did feel dizzy and short of breath. But that was nothing compared to the happiness she was feeling. “It's nothing. I'm still just a little under the weather.”

“Why don't I call for a driver?”

“Don't be silly. It's only a cough. I'll be better when you're home, I'm sure of it.”

“All right, then. Well, I'll be here waiting, so take your time. I don't care how long it takes you and Chester to get here.”

His romantic words melted her heart, and renewed her spirit. Maybe things would be better between them. Maybe their troubles were over. They'd been through their difficult patch but things were better already. “I can't wait to see you.”

When she hung up, she turned to her mother-in-law, who was cutting up vegetables for the evening's planned supper of chicken and dumplings. “Peter's come back.”

Lovina paused in her cutting. “I figured as much. That is
gut
news.”

“I'm so glad he's home.”

“Me, too.” She smiled.

Marie's mind was spinning as she looked from her dirty apron to the dust rag that she was somehow still holding. “I feel light-headed, I'm so excited.”

Her mother-in-law laughed. “Reunions have a way of turning us all into young girls. My advice is to wait until you get your bearings, then hitch up the buggy and go find your husband.”

“Yes. Yes, that's what I'll do.” After switching her apron, she ran outside toward the barn, fastening her cloak and tying the strings on her bonnet as she did so. When her cough forced her to stop to catch her breath, she told herself that she'd sit down to rest later.

In no time, she'd hitched up Chester and guided him out toward the main road. As she drove the horse, her mind was filled with dreams and questions. She wondered what it would be like, to see her husband again after his month's absence.

Wondered if things really would be the same like she hoped . . . or if they would be different like Peter said they would.

And then there were all the other things to consider. Like how his relationship with his parents would be now. Better, hopefully?

And how would Roman treat him after his absence? Though her son had never confided in her about this, she feared that Roman resented his father for forcing him to accept so much responsibility around the house.

By the time she pulled the buggy up to the front of the German Village Market, she felt dizzy and feverish.

“Marie!” Peter called out. But then his happy smile turned to worry. “Marie? Marie, you're sick.”

Vaguely, she was aware of him holding her, then calling out to a pair of men walking by.

“Marie, we're calling a driver. I'm taking you to the hospital.”

“There's no need. And Chester—”

“They're going to help me with Chester. I'm back now. Trust me, Marie. I'll take care of you now.”

As his words sank in, she let herself lose control. Gave in to the fever and the cough. Gave in to the headache and the ache in her chest.

And was hardly aware when her husband and another woman helped her into a van.

 

The beach had never looked so empty. Or so depressing. Devoid of people, only the rhythmic churning of waves broke the silence of the evening.

Over and over again they crashed to the shore, spitting water and debris onto the packed sand, reminding Amanda that much of her life had been spent like that. She'd been stuck in a rut, doing the same things, even when it only dredged up more hurt and painful memories.

Beside her, Regina walked stalwartly like a small soldier, silently staying by her side, though whether it was by choice or habit, Amanda didn't know.

Ever since they'd left Roman's grandparents' house, Regina had been depressed. She'd laughed rarely, smiled even less.

Feeling desperate, Amanda went to the shelter and signed the papers to make Goldie theirs. Now, only the silly dog's antics made Regina smile.

And only Regina's smiles were able to lift Amanda's broken heart.

It had been a difficult two days, trying to be strong, attempting to resign herself to being without Roman. Doing her best to pretend that she'd made the right decision, and that sometimes, it was a mother's lot to give up her wants. To put her daughter's needs first.

But this time, a small, needly voice whispered,
Wasn't it your wants that took precedence?

“Momma, watch this!” Regina exclaimed as she threw a stick and Goldie ran to the edge of the water to retrieve it. “Look at her go.”

“She does love those sticks, that is true,” Amanda said, glad to concentrate on anything else besides her drab thoughts.

When the current lapped against her paws, the dog scampered away, then trotted out into the water a little farther. Then, tongue hanging out of her mouth, she began dog-paddling in the shallow current. Standing back on the beach, Amanda crossed her arms over her chest and chuckled. “She is getting mighty wet.”

“Goldie loves swimming!”

“She does.”

Goldie leapt out of the water, gave a good shake, then trotted back to Regina, the stick in her mouth. Tail wagging, she stopped right in front of her and dropped the stick on the ground. Regina dutifully picked it up and tossed it again.

With a happy bark, Goldie ran off to retrieve it . . . and then went for another swim.

“I'm glad we got Goldie.”

“I am, too,” Amanda said. Now this, at least, was something she could be completely truthful about. This dog was sure to be a perfect pet. Already housebroken and, at four years old, already out of the precocious puppy stage, Goldie wanted to play with Regina, but so far seemed just as content to spend much of her days on her soft dog bed while Amanda went to work and Regina went to her grandparents' house.

Last night, Goldie had seemed to know exactly what each of them needed the most. She sat between them on the couch and snuggled, seeming to enjoy their petting as much as they enjoyed the dog's unspoken love and comfort.

“Goldie needed a home, Momma.”

“Yes, she did.”

“Being at the dog shelter was no fun,” Regina added seriously. “Remember how noisy it was there? Poor Goldie!”

Amanda struggled to hold off her smile. They'd had this conversation several times already. Her daughter was intrigued by the idea of animals needing homes.

“It was no fun for Goldie, for sure. Now she's happy, though, wouldn't you say?” she asked as they watched the half golden retriever, half who-knew-what dog come trotting back to them with that same stick secured in her mouth. “Now she lives in a nice, cozy home. And has a fluffy dog bed, too.” Tickling Regina's back, she added, “Plus, now that she's in an Amish home, it's mighty quiet.”

But instead of nodding in agreement, Regina shook her head. “
Nee
, Mamm. That's not it.”

“No?”

“Mamm, Goldie is happy because she's around people who love her,” Regina said. “That's why.”

“Ah, yes. I suppose that is what matters the most,” Amanda murmured, then felt a lump form in her throat as the meaning shone through.

It was being loved that mattered, Amanda realized. That had been what everyone, from Roman to Regina to Wesley had been trying to tell her all along.

A person couldn't live a life on memories. Not a good life, anyway.

No, the past was in the past, and the future was in God's hands. All she had was the present. What she did now was what counted . . . not what she'd done years ago . . . or what she hoped to do one day.

And what really mattered, when all was said and done, was love.

And she'd had that. She'd been loved. Deeply. She'd been blessed to be loved not once but twice. Both by good, upstanding men.

But what had she done?

She'd clung to her grief and ignored the precious gift she'd been given. She'd pushed Roman away, pushed the future she could have with him away. For some reason, she'd decided that it would be easier to live in the past. Had it been fear that had driven her? Perhaps.

But even knowing it was fear that had driven her, it didn't make her consequences any easier to bear. She'd hugged her misplaced sense of loyalty to Wesley like a badge of honor. But now she realized that she hadn't done it for him.

When he'd known his time was coming, he'd told her time and again not to mourn for him. He'd told her over and over that life was for living, not simply for wishing.

And definitely not for grieving.

She'd promised him she wouldn't do that. But she hadn't even tried to keep that promise.

She'd fallen into an uneasy habit of living alone, and never imagining that her life could be better or different.

And worse, she'd made her dear daughter live that way, too.

It was time, Amanda decided. It was finally time to live, to grasp happiness, even if it was as shimmery as a hazy ray of light.

Even if it meant moving and changing and giving up some of her security.

Just like that silly dog, who had a past no one knew about but had happily found love again, she could, too.

It was time, time to go home and make that call. Call Roman and tell him she'd been wrong. That she'd been afraid to want more, to ask for happiness, but she wasn't any longer.

“Momma, look!” Regina called out, pointing just behind her.

“I will. In one second. But first I want to talk to you about something.”

“But—”

Amanda knelt down. “Regina, just for a second, listen.”

“But, Mamm—”

“Please, Regina.”

Blue eyes widened. “Yes?”

“Regina, what would you say if I thought we should move to Berlin, Ohio, after all? To live with Roman and his family? What would you say if I told you that I know I was wrong? That I now know I was wrong to leave?”

Regina's eyes widened, but then they crinkled at the edges as she beamed at her. “I'd like that.”

“Sure?”

“I'm sure.” Her smile widened. Almost as if she had a secret.

Amanda hugged her tight. “
Gut
. Then that's what we'll do. We'll gather up Goldie and walk to the condo and—”

“Mommy!”

“What?”

“This time, you need to listen.”

“All right. What is it that you need to tell me?” Panic coursed through her. Maybe Regina was changing her mind? Maybe she was upset? Maybe . . .

Regina pointed behind Amanda again. “Mommy, just look over there, will ya?”

“All right.” Amanda turned around and gaped.

There was Roman, standing tall and handsome, his gaze warm and loving. Just as if she'd conjured him from a daydream. “Roman, look at you,” she whispered.

After giving Regina a little wink, Roman walked forward. He was carrying a pair of brown work boots, thick socks tucked into the tops of them. “You look surprised,” he said after hugging Regina.

“I am.”

“Are you upset?” His gaze studied her face, obviously looking for clues about what she was thinking.

“I was just telling Regina that we needed to call you.”

He got to his feet. “Were you, now?”

“Yes. I . . . I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, Roman. You were right about everything. We can be happy everywhere. Anywhere.”

“Listen, I wasn't right about everything. I was too impatient. But,” he added boyishly, “I am younger than you, remember. We young men sometimes need a little bit of guidance.”

“I'm only two years older.”

He laughed. “Two years still counts.”

Regina beamed up at him. “Momma said we're going to call you about Berlin.”

“Really? Are you going to come for another visit?”

“No. We're going to live there,” Amanda said softly.

He stared in shock, then closed his mouth. “Amanda, I appreciate that, but, ah, you don't have to. I mean, I know you want to be here, where your life with Wesley was. It was wrong of me to expect you to leave everything. If this is where you need to be, then I can be here, too.”

Amanda felt so loved. Roman said so much with those words. “I loved Wesley, but he's gone. I'll always love his memory. And I'll always be grateful that he gave me Regina. And I'll treasure the memories of our brief time together. But you're my future, Roman. I know you are.”

“If you want to stay here . . . I decided that you were more important to me than even my church obligations.”

“That much?”

“Amanda, I don't want to lose you.”

“You haven't lost me. I'm ready. I'm ready to start over. Both Regina and I are. Right, Gina?”

“Yes. But Goldie needs to come to Ohio, too.”

Roman grinned at the dog, who was currently digging in the sand. “Do you think Goldie will mind the cold weather?”

“I think she's a pretty resilient dog,” Amanda said as she rubbed the dog's shaggy head. “I think she'll be happy as long as we're there.”