Ray of Light (22 page)

Chapter Twenty-five

Marie gripped the phone a little harder as she finally heard her husband say the words she'd been praying for.

“ . . . so I should be home before you know it. As long as the weather stays clear and we don't get any snow.”

Doing her best to stifle the annoying cough that she couldn't seem to wish away, she said, “Peter, I'm so happy about this.”

“I am, too, Marie.” His voice sounded hoarse, a little choked. “It's been a difficult couple of weeks, but good ones, too. I'm a better, stronger person now. And I'm done trying to hide behind a bottle of alcohol.”

“I'm so proud of you. Going to the clinic was the right decision.”

“I think so. I'm only sorry that this right decision has made your life so difficult.”

Now that she knew he was coming back, her whole world felt brighter. Even all the things she'd been so worried about didn't seem that overwhelming. She had a feeling his return would even make her body feel better, too. Of late, she'd been so tired it hurt to move. “I'm okay,” she said lightly.

“Are you sure? You sound a little off.”

“Oh, I've still got this little cold I told you about. It's nothing to worry about.” Brightening her voice, she said, “Peter, we're all going to be just fine now.”

“All right, if you're sure.” He paused. “So, tell me what's been going on. How is Roman's young lady?”

Thinking of what had been happening with their son, Marie frowned. “She is a lovely woman, but they're having some trouble, I fear.”

“I'll look forward to meeting her.”

“I don't think that's going to happen,” Marie murmured as she glanced at Amanda's suitcase standing by the door. “She's leaving today.”

“What?”

Rubbing the lines that had formed between her brows, she said, “That is a story better told in person. I'll let you know everything when we see each other again.”

“All right. I suppose I should get off the phone anyway. Goodbye, Marie. I'll see you soon.”

After speaking to him for a few more precious seconds, she hung up the phone and stared hard at that suitcase.

So many people had been coming and going lately. She didn't know why they all had to travel so much to find their way, but she certainly hoped that everyone would elect to stay in one place very soon.

Otherwise, she was going to be the one who needed a vacation from the drama in their lives.

 

Roman was as stubborn as a mule. From the moment he'd come into the kitchen, he'd glared at her with his hands stiffly folded across his chest.

But instead of changing her mind, it only made her more eager to get out of his house.

“This isn't easy for me, Roman. I wish you wouldn't make it more difficult,” Amanda said as she prepared another peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the long bus trip home.

“I haven't tried to stop you. I'm merely offering my opinion. I think you're running away.”

“I guess it's good that I've discovered your true colors,” she retorted. “You're not nearly as easygoing as you were in Florida.”

“I was on vacation then. And that has nothing to do with you refusing to see my side of things.”

“That is not what is happening,” she said sharply. Wearily, she neatly sliced through the center of the sandwich and wrapped waxed paper around it.

“Well, something is. Amanda, I think there's more going on here than just my desire not to move. What is it? Is it that you've changed your mind about me?” He paused, then raised an eyebrow. “Or is it more likely that you changed your mind about yourself?”

She flinched, hating his words. Hating that he was right. She wanted to hold her irritation with him close to her heart. It was so much easier to blame someone else than to face her demons all over again.

At the very least, she owed him her honesty. “I don't know.”

“Why not?”

“You came into my life unexpectedly, Roman. I didn't plan to meet you on vacation. I didn't plan to start waiting for your phone calls. I didn't plan on Regina liking you so much.” Though all that was the truth, it wasn't the full truth. What she wasn't brave enough to say was that she didn't plan on liking him so much.

He gazed at her, his expression a combination of dismay and anger. That made her realize that he, too, knew she still wasn't telling him the whole truth. She still wasn't sharing everything in her heart.

Which was a problem.

“All right,” he finally said. “I'll go take your suitcase out to the front porch. The driver should be here soon.”

“A driver is picking us up?” She'd thought he'd take her to the German Village in his buggy.

“Yes. I think that's for the best.”

“Yes. Yes, I imagine it is.” Carefully, she screwed on the peanut butter cap and set the last sandwich on the top of her lunch sack. “I'll go get Regina and meet you on the front porch.”

When he walked away, she washed her hands, pressed a damp paper towel to her cheeks and forehead, hoping to cool her flushed face, then strode to the
dawdi haus
, where Regina had been from the moment Amanda had told her that they wouldn't be making cupcakes today. Instead, they would be going home.

Her knock was quickly answered by Lovina. “Is it time already?” she asked as she led Amanda to her tidy kitchen. There, Regina was sitting at the table with Aaron. A small puzzle with large pieces was spread out in front of them.

The older lady looked as distressed as Amanda felt. But it would do no one any good to see how she really was feeling. “It is. Uh, Roman was able to hire a driver to take Regina and me to the shopping center to wait for the bus.”

“But Momma, we're not done with the puzzle.”

Amanda was familiar with what Regina was doing. She was concentrating on things she could control instead of what she couldn't.

She'd done that often while Wesley was sick, arguing over what dress to wear, or what food she would eat.

To see that the painful habit had returned broke Amanda's heart but it didn't change the way things were. “I'm sorry about the puzzle, but we're on the bus's schedule, dear. We must go now.”

“But I don't want to.” This was a comment Regina had made often before. Usually it came out as a babyish whine. This time, though, was different. Regina looked genuinely distressed. She spoke in a soft whisper. Yet again, Amanda felt that rush of guilt.

But she had to be strong enough for the both of them. Already they were too involved with the Keims. Already she could imagine living in their midst, attending church in their district. Watching Roman preach, encouraging him, being by his side.

But if she did all these things, she'd be saying goodbye to her life in Pinecraft, and that would be wrong. She might be thinking about moving on without Wesley, but she had never intended to leave her life with him completely behind.

“It is time, Regina,” she said with iron in her voice. “Maybe we'll meet some nice people on the bus,” she added brightly. Just as if they were on the way to the county fair.

But no one was fooled for a minute. Both Mr. and Mrs. Keim looked glum, and Regina was on the verge of tears.

She had to get out of there. Had to move on. Stepping forward, she reached for her daughter's hand. “Let's go, now.”

Regina jerked back her hand. “
Nee
.”

“You have no choice.” Through clenched teeth, she turned to Lovina and Aaron. “Thank you for being so nice to Regina.”

“It was no trouble. We enjoyed being with her,” Aaron said.

“She's a
wonderful-gut
girl, Amanda,” Lovina added. “
Wonderful-gut
.”

“
Danke
.” Amanda didn't know what to do with her hands. She ached to hug Lovina and Aaron goodbye, but it didn't seem right. “Well, goodbye.”

The couple exchanged looks. Then Lovina nodded. “Goodbye, Amanda. Safe travels.”

Just as she started to turn away, Regina rushed over to Aaron and hugged him tight.

While Amanda simply stood and watched, Lovina went to her husband's side and hugged Regina, too. Then, when Regina started crying, the woman bent down and whispered to her, carefully calming her.

As seconds passed, Amanda felt like the worst mother ever. Especially when Regina turned from the security of the couple's embrace and calmly announced she was ready.

“Let's go then,” Amanda answered. Surprised she could even speak around the lump in her throat.

The next five minutes were excruciating. They said goodbye to Marie and Elsie. To Lorene, who was over making cupcakes for the upcoming wedding.

The wedding that Amanda had promised Regina that they'd get to attend. Through it all, Roman remained to one side while Regina stayed silent.

Only the beep from the van's horn offered any relief.

“We must go,” she said, after double- and triple-checking that she had her purse and their lunches and Regina's stuffed dog. After getting Regina settled in the van, Amanda looked at Roman. “Thank you for inviting us to Berlin. I'll never forget it.”

“You're welcome. Goodbye, Amanda.”

She halfheartedly waited for him to ask her to call him when they got home. Waited for him to say that he understood, that he would change his mind about where he wanted to live.

But he did none of that. Instead, he stood stoically while she turned away and got into the van. While she fastened her seatbelt, he closed the van's door. Then he turned away as they drove off.

Beside her, Regina was hugging her stuffed dog tightly, looking for comfort there instead of from her mother.

And that was when Amanda realized that she'd been terribly wrong. It certainly was possible to feel that all-encompassing pain again.

But unlike Wesley's cancer, she'd been the one in charge of this loss.

Yes, it turned out that she was perfectly capable of causing pain and heartache and loss, all by herself.

 

Walking back to their house, Lovina blinked back the tears that she hadn't been able to will away but luckily had held back until no one else saw them. “I'm going to miss that little girl,” she said.

“Me, too,” Aaron said. “I don't think I'm going to be able to finish that puzzle without her. Half the fun was cheering with her whenever she got a piece in the right spot.”

“We'll put it away so you won't have to be reminded of it.” Uncertainly, she glanced at Aaron's stoic profile. “Do you think, perhaps, we'll need it for another day? For when she comes back?”

“Hope so.” He stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. “It's a real shame Amanda and Regina had to leave. That grandson of ours shouldn't have let that happen. He won't do better than that pair.”

“Sometimes our grandchildren can be so stubborn and silly.”

“That is a fact.” Slowly, the sides of his mouth turned up. “I wish I could say I've never been that way, but I can't.”

“Truly?”

“Oh,
jah
. Lovina, I've certainly done my fair share of stubborn things. For sure, I have.”

Rarely had Aaron ever admitted a mistake. Never could she remember him pointing out his own faults. “Like what?”

“Like . . . making you keep your past a secret. I know now that was a foolish idea.”

“Not so much. I kept it secret for twenty years,” she reminded him.

“But at what cost?”

Just a few weeks ago, when the secret had first come out, she'd been sure that their relationships with their children and grandchildren were lost. But as each day passed, things had seemed to ease. Time really did heal all wounds. “Maybe that secret didn't cost as much as we feared,” she said. “We still have our family.”

“Things are strained.”

She stopped at their front door. “That's because everyone is now focused on your first family.”

“My first family?” he echoed sarcastically.

She ignored his tone, choosing instead to focus on what was important. “You need to talk about Laura Beth and Ben, Aaron.”

“I can't.” He opened the door and stepped inside.

She followed on his heels all the way to their sitting room. “Why are their deaths so difficult for you to talk about? It's not like you caused the accident.”

Gripping the back of his chair, he looked at her directly. “Some thought I did.”

“Who did?”

“Laura Beth's brother.” After a pause, he added, “Every year on the anniversary of Laura Beth's death, he sends me a letter. Inside are always the same two things—a photocopy of the news article, and a letter from him. In it, he says he still hasn't forgotten his sister's death or forgiven me for my part in it.”

Lovina was stunned. “I never knew about the letters.”

“That's because I didn't want you to know about them.”

“But you don't take the notes seriously, do you? I mean, for someone to continually send you the same thing, year after year? That's ridiculous!”

Aaron shrugged.

Feeling assured that her husband clearly needed some sense talked into him, Lovina continued, her tone stronger. “Laura Beth died forty years ago. Her
bruder
must be mentally imbalanced or something.” She walked toward him, ready to grasp his hand. To show him that even though she didn't understand all the secrets, she believed in him.

Believed the best of him.

But instead of curving his palm around hers, he stiffened. “Lovina, there's something else I never told you.”

“And what is that?”

“I was driving that buggy. Her death really was my fault.”

Once again, Lovina felt her world tilt. “I don't understand. You said she was driving.”

“I never wanted to tell you the truth.”

She was beyond dismayed. “Aaron?”