Reason to Breathe (13 page)

I examined him with narrowed eyes, trying to
decide if he was serious. More importantly I needed to decide if I
could handle the offer – a small voice was screaming at me to say
no, but I didn’t listen.

“Alright,” I conceded. “But just as
friends.”

“I can do that,” he replied with a smirk,
“for now.”

“Evan!”

“Just kidding,” he said as he held up his
hands in defense. “I can be just friends with you - no
problem.”

The bell rang, declaring the end of the day,
and the halls started to fill with the voices and footsteps of
students anxious to leave.

“Good luck in your game today,” I said,
gathering my books together.

“Thanks,” he replied. “I’ll see you tomorrow
in English?”

“I’ll be there.”

He smiled as he walked away.

I remained in the seat, absorbing the results
of my attempt to put my life back in order. It didn’t go exactly as
I planned. I was supposed to cut him out completely, and a part of
me was furious that I hadn’t. I knew I was taking a big risk
involving someone else in my life. I tried to convince myself that
I could be friends with him, not allowing him to get too close,
while still remaining focused on school. But I wasn’t as confident
as I should have been.

I fell back into my routine for the remainder
of the day. My head hurt from running around during soccer
practice, but I got through it. Sara was gushing about Jason and
her date, so I was convinced that she was over the emotional trauma
from earlier that morning.

Actually, the rest of the week fell into a
familiar pattern as well. The only difference was that most of my
classes, along with my journeys to them, included Evan. He
respected my reserved disposition, keeping conversation within the
boundaries of school topics. I continued breathing and my heart
kept beating, although at times it still acted insane and sped up
at the sight of one of his mesmerizing smiles, or when he’d look
into my eyes a little too long. But even that I could push in the
pocket of acceptance. I had my safe place back, and that helped
when I had to cross the threshold of instability at home.

I avoided Carol as much as possible, although
her slicing tongue always found an insult to carve into me every
time she saw me. I had an away game on Tuesday and worked on the
newspaper layout on Wednesday, so I was able to stay away until
after dinner. On Wednesday night, I even felt brave enough to sneak
into the fridge at two o’clock in the morning to take a filet of
cold breaded chicken and a granola bar back to my room to quiet my
rebelling stomach. I was back to focusing on surviving the next
five hundred and sixty- seven days however I could.

9.
Not a Date

The grey
misting skies did little to quash my excitement for the night game
when I left for school Friday morning. It was also the day I was
spending the afternoon with Evan. The thought of being alone with
him shot a current of thrilling terror throughout my body. What a
strange contradiction of emotions, feeling exhilarated and
terrified at the same time.

I double checked the calendar on my way out
to make certain my game was written on it. If it wasn’t on the
calendar with plenty of notice, then I wasn’t allowed to do it.
That included going to the library, which I marked for every Sunday
afternoon. I was surprised I didn’t have a tracking device inserted
into the heel of my foot – but that would mean they’d have to spend
money on me, and that was laughable.

“Good morning,” I almost sung when I entered
the car.

“Good morning,” Sara replied, looking at my
curiously. She began to say something, then thought better of it,
and kept quiet. Instead, she turned up the radio and we drove off
to the drum beats, guitar riffs and angst of a singer bellowing
about being misunderstood. I let the music soak in with a grin on
my face.

“Are you still going to Evan’s after school?”
Sara asked, turning down the music.

“As far as I know,” I replied, trying to
sound casual, like it wasn’t the only thing I could think
about.

“Then I’ll see you at the game tonight.”

“I’ll see you in study, right?”

“I have a note from my parents allowing me to
get out early. I’m going to Jill’s house for the afternoon. You
could probably get out early too if you wanted. The study period
teachers don’t always expect you there since you work on the paper
or whatever.”

The thought of breaking the rules and leaving
school early without permission made my stomach turn. Or perhaps it
was the thought of spending an additional hour with Evan.

Sara eyed my distressed expression. “It was
just a suggestion; you don’t have to do it.”

“I’ll think about it,” I muttered. Another
surge of thrilling terror flashed through my body with a
shiver.

“I expect details,” Sara blurted over her
shoulder upon exiting homeroom. She was about to continue to class
when she took notice of the dazed look on my face and stopped. “Are
you nervous?”

“I’m pretty freaked,” I whispered, oblivious
to the buzz of bodies passing us.

“You have nothing to worry about. You made it
clear you just want to be friends. But if you’re really that afraid
to be alone with him, I could give you an excuse to bail.”

“No, I want to hang out with him. It’s just
something I’ve never done before, and I’m not sure what to expect.
It’s not like hanging out with you.”

“Why don’t you pretend that it is?” Sara gave
me an encouraging smile. “Details,” she repeated as she walked
toward the stairs.

Evan was seated in English when I slipped
into the desk next to him.

“Hi,” he said, his mouth twitching, trying
not to smile.

“Hey,” I returned, without looking over at
him.

“Do you want to skip study period and get out
of school early?” My heart stopped as a million excuses not to
leave ran through my head.

“Sure,” I heard my mouth say, glancing at him
quickly. Panic overtook my body, having never broken the rules
before. I fumbled with my notebook and pulled out the completed
assignment to pass in. I thought I noticed Evan smiling out of the
corner of my eye, but I stared intently at my notes.

“You’re quieter than usual today,” he
observed as we gathered our books to leave when the bell rang.

“Distracted by the back to back tests later,”
I lied, not truly concerned about the Trigonometry and Anatomy
tests awaiting us. I’d studied the test material and was pretty
confident that I knew it inside and out. Why couldn’t I be as
confident about everything else?

“I wouldn’t have expected you to be nervous.”
He knew me better than I wanted to admit.

“It was a lot to study. You’re not worried?”
I asked, trying to deflect the attention from me.

“Why should I be? I’ve studied; there’s
nothing else I can do.” Great, he was confident in school
and
everything else. “I’ll see you in Trig.” He walked down
the hall as I headed to the stairs. History, Chemistry and my two
tests distracted me enough to keep from completely obsessing about
the end of the day and being alone with Evan – until it was
unavoidable.

“How’d you do?” Evan asked as we walked out
of Anatomy.

“I think I knew what I was doing,” I
admitted. “And you?”

“I got through it,” he said with a shrug.

I noticed he was walking with me instead of
going in the opposite direction as he usually did.

“Where are you going?”

“To your locker,” he stated bluntly.

“Why?” I asked, not catching on.

“What? You don’t want to have lunch with me?”
His tone sounded almost offended, but then again, I knew him better
than that and dismissed the possibility.

“You never have lunch with me, I don’t get
it.”

“There’s a first for everything. Sara left to
go to Jill’s, so I thought you could use the company.”

“That’s right,” I remembered. “I’m actually
not that hungry. I was going to pick up something small and get
started in the Art room.”

“Would you prefer to be alone?”

“Doesn’t matter to me; do what you want.” I
shrugged, attempting to sound disinterested.

“That’s not possible,” he responded casually.
I narrowed my eyes, trying to read between the lines of his
comment. Before I could demand an explanation, he asked, “Will you
ignore me if I have lunch with you in the Art room?”

“I don’t have to.” How was I possibly going
to survive the afternoon with him? Maybe I should make up an excuse
and stay at school instead. My heart skipped at the thought of
bailing. I could be friends with him - I just had to keep reminding
myself that’s what I wanted.

I placed my books in my locker, and Evan
slipped his books on the top shelf as well. My mouth dropped in
disbelief.

“What?!” he defended. “We’re leaving together
after Art. I’ll take them out. I promise.” We walked in silence to
the cafeteria.

Before we entered, he said quietly, “You know
that the latest rumor is that you and I are dating, right?” I
stopped to stare at him with wide eyes, my arms crossed.

“It’s just a rumor!” he said with his hands
in the air and a half smile that made me fume.

“Do you really want me to come over today?” I
snapped.

“Of course,” he answered eagerly.

“Then don’t share things like that with me.
Remember, I don’t want to know what people are saying about
me?”

“I didn’t realize our friendship had rules,”
he replied, grinning.

“I’ll be sure to point them out when you
don’t follow them. Try to keep up.” I was hoping to sound severe,
but he continued grinning at my reprimand. I huffed and walked into
the cafeteria at an exaggerated pace.

“Are you this strict with all of your other
friends?” he inquired with a chuckle while keeping up with me.

“Sara is my only other friend and she plays
by the rules. She doesn’t need lessons.” I glared at him so he’d
take me seriously. I knew he didn’t since he still seemed more
entertained than offended.

“All you’re getting is a granola bar and an
apple?” He nodded toward the food in my hands as we made our way
through the lunch line.

“I told you I wasn’t very hungry. Besides,
aren’t we eating in a few hours?”

“Yeah but you’re an athlete, and you have a
game tonight - you need more sustenance than that.” He almost
sounded concerned.

“Fine,” I caved and grabbed a banana. Evan
eyed me disapprovingly, shaking his head.

“So much better,” he commented with
sarcasm.

I walked away, leaving him to catch up after
he bought his lunch.

When we entered the Art room, he settled on
the stool next to me to eat while I gathered my project that
currently consisted of shades of green sweeping along the bottom of
the predominantly blank canvas. I removed the picture of the early
October foliage taped to the back and set it on the table next to
me.

“Are you having a hard time liking me?”

I figured he was messing with me until I
turned on my stool to find that he was seriously concerned about
the answer.

“I’m not having a hard time liking you,” I
assured him. “I don’t understand you. You say things that don’t
make sense or could mean more than they do. I’m trying not to let
you get to me - that’s all.” I turned back to my painting and began
squirting different shades of green on the palette.

“But I get to you?” he confirmed, his
signature grin creeping on his face. I rolled my eyes.

“Not if I can help it. But watching you enjoy
my discomfort is always a great way to win me over,” I retorted,
flashing my eyes at him.

“Sorry,” he said with an insincere smile.

“I’m sure you are,” I huffed. I proceeded
with mixing colors and applying them to the canvas in blotches and
heavy strokes. I concentrated on painting while he sat behind me,
silently watching. I was flustered by his presence and couldn’t
summon anything to say to lighten the awkwardness, so I kept my
back to him.

“I think I’ll go outside and work on my
assignment,” he finally announced. “I’ll meet you at your locker
after class.”

“Okay,” I answered without looking. After he
left the room, I put down my brush and took a deep breath. He
was
getting to me, and my defensive retorts bothered me,
despite how much they appeared to amuse him. I made the conscious
decision to be friends with him – that I could handle it. So far, I
was failing miserably – trying so hard to keep him at a distance
that I was practically cruel. If I kept this up, he’d probably
decide not to have anything to do with me at all – and I wouldn’t
blame him.

Evan was waiting for me at my locker after
class as he promised.

“Hi,” I said with a gentle smile, hoping he
wasn’t regretting inviting me over.

“Hi,” he smiled back.

“Come back for more punishment?” I asked
quietly, leaning against the locker to face him. I kept glancing at
the ground, having a hard time looking him in the eye.

“I can handle it.” He tilted his head down,
forcing me to look at him. I reluctantly connected with his
riveting blue eyes. “Besides, I’m getting used to your reactions,
so they don’t really bother me. You can actually be pretty funny.”
His lips relaxed into a vibrant smile.

“Great, here I am feeling horrible for how
I’ve talked to you, and you think it’s hilarious. I guess you bring
out the best in me, don’t you?” I smirked.

“That’s why I’m here.”

He reached over my head to grab his books out
of my locker. His shirt brushed against my back, causing me to
inhale quickly, unable to move. My heart began its ritualistic
dance in my chest, sending a surge of blood to my cheeks. I slowly
let out the captured breath when he backed away.