Reason to Breathe (17 page)

“That was great,” Evan commended while we
walked to the fast pitch baseball cages. “You picked it up fast,
but I knew you would.” I didn’t say anything.

After a few more rounds each, Evan asked if I
wanted to get a burger from the small restaurant that extended from
the office.

“What do you want to learn to do next
weekend?” Evan questioned as he set a tray of food on the table.
“Golf?”

“I really have no interest in golf,” I
admitted. “And I’m not sure we should make plans for next weekend
yet.”

“If we are able to do something, what do you
want to do?” he pressed, but then his eyes lit up. “I know the
perfect thing we can do.” A devious smile spread across his face as
he thought about it.

“What?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m not going to tell you, but you’ll love
it.” I narrowed my eyes, taking in his smug expression.

“Oh, I have your iPod in the car. You have an
interesting selection of music. If I’d looked through the playlists
without knowing who it belonged to, I would have assumed it was a
guy’s. Well, accept for that one playlist.”

“That one’s good for when I can’t fall
asleep,” I defended quickly, my cheeks flashing with heat.

“It’s very –,” Evan hesitated, searching for
the right word.

“Soothing,” I interrupted.

“Sure,” he laughed. “It definitely sets a
mood, let’s put it that way.” The color continued to spread across
my face.

When we were in the car driving back to the
library, Evan asked one of the questions I had been bracing for.
“Why do you live with your aunt and uncle?” My heart skipped a
beat, but I knew that avoiding the question would only make him
more curious.

“George is my father’s brother,” I began. “My
father died in a car accident when I was seven, so George and his
wife, Carol, took me in.”

“What about your mother?” I knew that the
questions weren’t meant to be invasive, but they brought me
crashing back from our escape at the baseball cages to a reality
that was inescapable.

So, I inhaled deeply and answered each
question with a truthful brevity that flowed out of my lips like I
was reciting it from a newspaper. No connection, no emotion – truth
at its simplest.

“She became ill after my father died and
wasn’t fit to care for me anymore.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Evan replied
genuinely. I forced my lips into a pressed smile, letting his
sympathy roll off me. It didn’t feel warranted and made me
uneasy.

I had accepted long ago that the death of my
father and fall of my mother were part of my life - I was unable to
give in to the grieving. I refused to feel sorry for myself or
receive pity for my circumstances. Besides, I had to focus on the
present – which included surviving the wrath of Carol - so I
couldn’t afford to live in the past. My future was the only thing
that mattered now.

“So you have a game tomorrow?” I asked,
trying to sound unaffected but needing desperately to change the
subject. We continued to talk about the last two weeks of the
soccer season until we pulled up alongside the library.

“See you tomorrow,” I said casually, getting
out of the car.

“Bye,” he replied before I shut the door.

I rode home, arriving in plenty of time for
the grilled cheese and soup that was served for dinner. I was able
to hold on to the day with Evan for a little while longer, letting
it replay in my head when I sat down to dinner, keeping me
oblivious to the stares I received when I took a second helping of
soup. I think I was even grinning.

12.
Bad Influence

The next two weeks glided by with the same amount of carefree ease.
Evan became part of my routine, accepting all that came along with
it – and finding ways to add to it as well.

Remembering my ten o’clock curfew and taking
advantage of my after school activities, Evan easily convinced Sara
and I to come over to his house one night after completing the
layout of the newspaper with hours to spare before my deadline.
Jason met us there, and the four of us attempted to play pool. I
should say Sara and I attempted, Evan and Jason were pretty decent.
I laughed as Sara made fun of her miscalculated shots, and she
teased me for not being able to draw a straight line when I’d hit
the cue ball in an unintended direction. Still smiling, I walked in
the door before ten o’clock. I was oblivious to Carol and George’s
presence, consumed by the playback of the day in my head.

Not getting caught empowered me; making it
easier to concede each time Evan came up with something else for us
to do. I should’ve remembered I wasn’t the luckiest person in the
world, but the thrill of getting away with it was too
addicting.

One of the nights, Sara watched in rolling
laughter as Evan taught me to drive his car in the parking lot of
the high school. It was late enough so no one was there, and the
parking lot was on the side of the school, not easily seen from the
main road since it was lined with trees. I suppose if I had
witnessed the car jerking and stalling and heard me yelling in
exasperation, I would have been laughing too. Evan was patiently
determined, and after what felt like a whiplashing eternity, I
drove his car around the parking lot, shifting from first to
second. He tried to convince me to take it on the road to get used
to shifting, but I refused.

That Sunday, I met him at the library again.
I told my aunt and uncle I had a huge History project to work on so
that I could meet Evan earlier, and we’d have more time together.
He’d warned me to dress warmly when we left school on Friday. I was
glad I did when he pulled into the state park a few towns west of
Weslyn.

Evan guided me along a dirt trail, through
the leaf encrusted woods, with the cool crisp air sweeping across
our faces. The warm layers became unnecessary after my blood
started pumping, wielding some effort to climb the loose terrain as
we progressed further into the woods. I removed my gloves and
wrapped my outer layer around my waist, leaving on my fleece.

We didn’t talk much as we walked. The quiet
was comfortable, and I was relieved to be away from Weslyn and
enraptured by the serene setting with the chirping of the birds and
the light breeze rustling the leaves. I absorbed the colorful
wilderness while following Evan’s navy backpack, allowing a grin to
rest on my face.

Evan stopped at the base of a tall rock
structure, which was virtually flat along its vertical line,
accented by subtle curves and indentations. It appeared to be about
a hundred feet tall inset in the earth, so only the one side was
exposed.

“Ready?” he asked, looking up. I stopped and
took in his line of sight, eyeing the large structure.

“Am I ready for what?” I asked
tentatively.

“We’re going to rappel down the face of this
rock,” he answered, smiling back at me. “It’s really not that big,
don’t worry.”

“We’re going to do what?!”

“You’ll love it, I promise.” My reaction did
little to deter his huge smile. “I was here yesterday scoping it
out. There’s a path around to the left that brings us to the
top.”

He took in my frozen stature and added, “You
trust me, right?”

I looked at him and shook my head. “Not
anymore.”

He laughed. “Come on.” He hiked along the
path that traced the massive structure. To my dismay, my legs
followed.

When we climbed to the top, the distance
looking down appeared twice as far as it did when I viewed it from
the bottom. My stomach rolled, but instead of becoming overtaken by
panic, I was unexpectedly struck with a surge of adrenaline.

“Here’s to falling to my death,” I thought to
myself. I joined Evan in the center of the flattened area where he
was laying out the equipment.

“Ready yet?” he asked, grinning at me.

I took in a lung full of air and released it
slowly through my puckered lips. “Sure.”

Before I could change my mind, Evan had me
slip my legs through the holes of the harness and fastened it
securely. He proceeded to explain the rope system and where I
should place my hands and how to release it to let myself down. I
listened carefully, knowing if I didn’t pay attention, I would
never be listening to anything again – even with Evan’s promise
that he’d spot me the entire time and I had nothing to fear. Easy
for him to say.

Once the rope was anchored to a sturdy tree
and the figure eight was clipped to me, Evan returned to the base
where he held the dropped rope to assure that I didn’t fall – or to
get the best view when I plummeted to my death. I backed up to the
edge of the rock. The first step was the hardest, especially
leaning back into a position that defied gravity. The adrenaline
pushed me over the edge, and I was planted on the side of the rock,
staring straight up through the treetops toward the sky. I remained
still, trying to fight the urge to lean upright.

Evan hollered instructions from below to
correct my angle and the positioning of my feet. I tentatively fed
the rope with my right hand as my feet slowly crept down. After I
got used to the release and footing, my stuttered steps progressed
into small hops, until my feet found the safety of the ground. It
didn’t take as long as I imagined, but I still felt exhilarated to
be standing on my own – upright.

“What did you think?” Evan asked with a
grin.

“I liked it,” I surrendered, grinning
back.

“I knew you would.” I rolled my eyes as he
unclipped the rope from my harness.

We rappelled a couple more times, and I felt
more comfortable with each attempt. Evan chose to go face-first his
last time, which was difficult to watch. The speed with which he
ran down the rock caught my breath.

“Show off,” I mumbled as he landed with ease
on the bed of fallen leaves.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be looking for the next
rush too after you get used to it.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever want to do
that.”

“I think I found the perfect place for you to
try to drive my car. The road that almost never has cars on it,”
Evan declared on our way back down to the car. “We can go out after
you work on the paper on Tuesday.”

“You really think that I should be driving on
the road for the first time in the dark?”

“You’re right,” he agreed. “Let’s go out
while it’s still light after soccer practice. Then we’ll go back to
the school so you can work on the paper.”

“We’ll see,” I said, without committing.

“Do you think you’ll be able to go to the
homecoming game on Friday night?”

“No,” I said without even thinking twice.

“So no dance on Saturday night either,
huh?”

I let out a laugh in response.

“Are you going to the homecoming dance?” I
asked, not sure why I wanted to know.

“Don’t think so.”

“Why not?” I encouraged, but oddly filled
with a sense of relief. “You can’t tell me you couldn’t find anyone
to go with.”

“Emma, you and I are dating, remember?” he
taunted, his mouth pushing into a slow grin.

“Shut up,” I snapped back. “You can’t tell me
people still think that? Haven’t you told them we’re not?”

“I haven’t said anything either way.”

“That’s stupid.” I stopped to look at him.
“Why would you want everyone assuming something that isn’t
true?”

“Why should I care?”

“So you can ask someone you’re interested in
to go to the dance with you,” I replied, not expecting his lack of
concern.

“I just did.”

“You did not just ask me to the dance.” I
crossed my arms across my chest in defiance. He smirked and
shrugged. I turned and kept walking along the path.

“Whatever happened with Haley?” I questioned,
changing the focus. “She’s nominated for homecoming queen.”

“Seriously?” he scoffed. “Have you ever tried
having a conversation with her?”

“I don’t think she even knows my name.”

“I think she does now,” he teased. “You know,
now that we’re dating.”

“Evan! Knock it off,” I huffed. He
laughed.

“Honestly,” he admitted, “I haven’t been here
that long, and the thought of going to the dance doesn’t appeal to
me. I’m not that into anyone else.” My heart stammered at the last
word, but my mind dismissed it before I could think too much about
it.

“Is there a way you could stay over Sara’s
after your game on Saturday? That way you and I could hang out and
watch movies or something.”

“That’s probably unlikely. My aunt works for
the school system, in their administrations building. She’ll know
that it’s the homecoming dance and will doubt that Sara would give
up the dance to hang out with me.”

“Why doesn’t she like you?” A spasm shot
through my chest, realizing I’d revealed too much.

I must have been silent for too long because
Evan added, “Sorry. I don’t get it, but you don’t have to explain.”
We walked without speaking the remaining distance to the car. I
searched for a way to recover.

What was I supposed to say?
No Evan, she
doesn’t “not like me”, she despises me. She lets me know it every
opportunity she can because I invaded her life, and she wants me
out. But her marriage to my father’s brother keeps me in her house,
so it’s her mission to make every second of my life torturously
miserable.

I knew those words would never leave my lips,
so while Evan loaded the backpacks into the trunk, I leaned my back
against the car and blurted, “It wasn’t easy to be an instant
mother of a twelve year-old. I’m sure she’s just being way too
overprotective, not wanting me to get into trouble.”

Evan let my words sink in for a moment before
responding. “Does she even know you?” he challenged. “You’re not
the type of person to hang out with the wrong crowd. You’re the
perfect student, a talented athlete, and the most responsible
person I’ve ever met.” He almost sounded angry.